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  #1  
Old 01-11-2005, 01:05 PM
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Red face Confused on Loving an addict

As sit here trying to think of the words that I want to put down in order for this to make sense.. My heart is racing.. When I met Louis I found out that he had been in before for drunk driving but I never knew what really it all meant for me. Falling in love with him is a wonderful feeling. But then the addict started to show. I have dealt with addicts before in my life and this has made me learn to walk away after time. But this time I don’t want to walk from him and the love we share…

I have talked to him about using and he is honest with me about it while he is locked up he never lied when he was out here. But I know deep in my heart if he don’t want to be clean we will not last… it breaks my heart he knows all of this it took a lot out of me to tell him and he says that he knows that he put himself back in there and that he wants to be sober!! Here is the problem I think that he is still using but he is not telling me but my wall is going up and feel the need to run but part of me stops in my tracks.. he says the things that I want to hear but does he mean them or is he just saying them to make me feel better!! I know no one can answer these really. But it helps to get it out. I all so have come to know that I’m Co-dependent and that does not help…

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advise or if I just need to get this out but Please if you feel the need to post please do!!! I’m all confused!!!!!!
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Old 01-11-2005, 01:21 PM
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Hi......
Girl I'm feelin' ya on this one... Who really knows if they will actually do what they say as of now.....All we can do is pray about it......Have faith in him and be his number one support.....Hopefully it all works out for the best.... If you need to talk pm me.....
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Old 01-12-2005, 08:11 PM
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louis'sgirl... I can feel you on this. My man is an alcoholic who is in on drunk driving charges & driving without a license. We all don't know if they'll change when they get out. Only they can make the decision to change. You have to take his word for what it is... his word. Only time & action on his part will show you that he's serious about changing. Does he take classes in jail (AA, substance abuse)? Does he talk to you about his classes? What makes you think he's using in jail? I know my man isn't, but I also know the signs when he is... I caoul always tell when he was out drinking... even over the phone & even if he had only one. They have signs that they show.

You might want to check out Al-Anon in your area. They can teach you how to break your co-dependent cycle too. It might be benificial to you. I can also recommend some books, if you'd like to read up on co-dependency. They are really helpful & I've learned a lot about myself & why I do things to support his bad behavior. Let me know.

If you need to talk, please pm me. I totally understand your pain & frustration.
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Old 01-12-2005, 08:31 PM
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Bobbysgirl I know that he was using inside he told me that he would never lie to me about it. but then things went kind of bad and I told him that I would not live that life ever again. Now he says that he is trying to be sober and I want to beleave him but part of me is like, are you changing because you think that you are losing me or are you doing this for yourself.. Cause I know that he has to want it for himself not to keep me!!!
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Old 01-13-2005, 12:39 AM
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We have discussed this many many times and you know where I stand on this... I just needed for you to know that I am here for you......till we talk about it till we are blue in the face, or till I get into that head of yours and make you see the light! Somehow, I think we will be blue in the face first!!! LOL! You know I love you!
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Old 01-17-2005, 09:47 AM
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Princess You know me so well!! We will be blue in the face. LOL!! But after our visit and the openess that we talk with was amazing and I really do love that man his faults and all. So I will slow down and take it has it comes!!! You know that I will still stress to you but hey it will be all good. Sense we have the same cell company NOW!!!! Love Ya
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Old 01-17-2005, 05:41 PM
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" I have dealt with addicts before in my life and this has made me learn to walk away after time. But this time I don’t want to walk from him and the love we share…" [Louisgirl]

Louisgirl, I'm sorry to say this to you but I don't understand you, but I guess people are different and that's what it's about. My husband is an addict. He doesn't use in prison -- only in the streets, and I'm on my 4th bid with him now. He is the only addict I have ever dealt with and there is no way on God's green earth would I ever get involved with another addict, unless, I was looking for punishment. He relapses with each release so we're on our 4th bid since meeting 8 years ago. I've been told "do not give up on him". He's a great guy, very charasmatic, very handsome and built but got damn that addiction thing is . . . damn, there's no words for it . . . . all I wanna know is "do you feel alright, and, are ya shure!!

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Old 01-17-2005, 05:52 PM
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bigdaddybaby. It is ok if you don't understand me cause there are days when I don't understand myself. But if your asking if I Love him yes I do i had questions and he was trying to reassure me but I was not listening to it. But after a couple of visits I can see it in his face he is telling me the truth. as for using inside alot of them do and no one on the outside is any wiser to it. If you would have asked me if I was sure a couple of weeks ago I would have to tell no i'm not but today i can say yes i'm sure that i will stand with him during this battle with his addiction. But I know that he has to do this for himself. We had a break though at a visit and from letters!!! I hope that your husband stays sober and realizes that he has a wonderful life ahead of him being sober!!! as for being involved with other addicts the only other one is my kids father and family that are addicts so Please don't think that I look for addicts!!!All so I have said befor in here I AM CODEPENDENT
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Old 01-17-2005, 06:10 PM
BigDaddysBaby BigDaddysBaby is offline
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Help me with that co-dependent word because I don't get it. I mean I've heard of it but I don't get the meaning of the word.

Also, if you've decided to stay by your man then what I suggest you do is do your research into the addiction (of your man's choice of drug) and also put it in God's hands because that is what I have done. It's a very ruff road ahead because depending on their choice of drug, there could be other addictions that need to be beat, like for example, my husband is also addicted to the streets so that's another addiction he's got to beat.

The reason why I'm still with him on the 4th bid is because each time he went back he told me he was thru, he was done with the streets, the women, the drugs and that it was just gonna be about me and him when he get out. Unfortunately, we're on the 4th state bid trying to get it right. He quits cigarette smoking when he's in prison and you know that's hard to do for if anything one would pick up a cigarette habit in there, not quit. He quits the cigarette smoking because on the inside he does try to prepare for his release and he feels if he's in the habit of not smoking cigarettes that that will help him to not smoke anything at all. I have made a difference in his life though. Before he met me, he'd do a bid of a few years then get out and relaps the same day, no later than the next day. After he met me, we married and he got out he then went months before relapsing, which was a first for him, but, he did wind up relapsing and the reason was plain and simple -- he wanted to. He felt that "one more time and that will be it" syndrome, and what that one more time did was get him strung out again and then back to prison on a parole vio with a spankin new charge to go with it. He'll be home in 2008 and he's saying the same things as he has on prior bids but I can't count on his word no more though I know he's sincere. I have put it in God's hands and am counting on God to fix him because if God don't fix my husband the Louisgirl, I dont' know how it's gonna happen. It's been very, very difficult because the ONLY reason he's even gone back to prison since we met was because of the relapses. I never had to change my locks before but after he relapsed, taking off with some good from the house, I had to change my locks. It's been a nightmare. Being the wife of an addict is something I wishes on no one because you can't really enjoy your man because depending on his choice of drug, if he's not strung out in the streets and livin in the streets, then he's caged up in prison and livin in prison.

Being you've decided to go forward with your relationship, you are in for some times so I suggest you put the whole thing in God's hands because he'll tell you in there that he wants to quit, and he truly and really does because no one wants to be an addict. Unfortunately, when he get out and his feet hit free ground and he get back into society, let me just put it this way -- don't throw out none of your bus or van or driving instructions because if God doesn't come thru for you and if your man gets weak once he's out of confinement you may need those numbers and directions.

Any addict who gets his/her act together, I give em full 200% props because girl oh girl oh girl it is a struggle to not only get it together, but to KEEP it together.
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Old 01-17-2005, 06:28 PM
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Codependency I like to try to fix everything and everyone, always think that things are my fault not the other persons. I'm like the care taker!!! There is alot more to this but i'm just learning about it myself. For the first time in along time i know that him being in prison in not my fault and i dont have to take responablity for him ir his actions.

I totally know what you are saying this is third time in but only my first time being with him. So this is part is new to me (not anymore been down 16 months) His drug of choice is drinking, He is more of a binge drinker!! But he still has a problem and he is admitting that this time. not just going though the steps but he is learning. This time when he was out he made it 13 months and went back! I really understand where you are comming from we have been togethere for over 2 years. I have told him that I will not live this life anymore. When he gets to come home (2007 parole hearing) I have to be the strong one all so. Stand my ground. Hopefully these men of ours will learn. I all so have never had to change my locks or fear him in any way! I hope everyone finds there way home.
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Old 01-21-2005, 08:46 AM
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I'm the problem or, at least, was the problem. I am an alcoholic and while I didn't spend much time behind bars (a few days) in the many years that I drank, I certainly tried to drink all the bottles dry.

The alcohol became my higher power, my God, if you will. Nothing was more important to me than the booze. Getting a drink (mostly lots of drinks) was always my #1 priority even if I was doing other things. I had a job, house, cars...the stuff...but I was a total slave to my alcoholism.

I would make promises to others and myself. I would do the best I could to not wreck relationships (or cars). But, the truth was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get loose from the clutches of my alcoholism. So, I lied to cover my drinking, my actions, how I bad that I felt...because if I told the truth, my ability to get that drink that I so desparately "needed" would be endangered.

I got sober quite a while ago but the junk I put myself and everyone else through is burned into my memory. For the "other" side, I understand that if I have a drink in my hand, all bets are off. All sweet promises turn into lies. All my good intentions are out the window and I'm living only to drink.

Some folks stuck with me during all those dark years. I'm not ungrateful to them, but none of them ever "fixed" me. I had to get to a really dark place (emotionally, spiritually) before I was ready/willing to ask for help and actually do something different. It wasn't that those people around me were doing anything wrong but the last-ditch decision to try to get sober and stay sober came from inside of me. I finally understood that I couldn't live like I was living, feel like I was feeling, do what I was doing and walk another day on this earth. That decision, I think, came from me and from some higher power that took some pity on me. No other human being ever reached me.

Today, I stay away from the alcohol abusers in terms of any romantic involvement. I think it is great that lots of people can drink socially. I can't and I don't want to be involved with anyone who is pushing that edge. That isn't their problem...it is mine. I don't want to return to that alcoholic hades that I was in nor do I want to watch anyone else in the throes of it.

I try to help folks who want to get sober...but I know, at least according to my own experience, it is about THEM, not me, making a decision and asking for help.

Love you all!
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Old 01-21-2005, 08:53 AM
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I deal with an addict everyday, my sister. It is so hard for me! It has been about 4 years now and finally I have given up on her. All I can do is pray, I can not help someone that doesn't want help. Everyday I see her she tells me how she is not using but I can tell. There is a long story behind it and I am very co-dependent too. If you ever want to PM me, feel free.
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Old 01-21-2005, 09:32 AM
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Co-dependancy is the hardest role to play. You try and try to change them, but it always stays the same. In the end you end up suffering for all your work.
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Old 01-21-2005, 02:03 PM
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I was with my guy when he was locked up, and he made all the promises when he was in that he wasn't going to go back to that life, he is a meth addict, but soon after he got out we broke up - he started getting high again but I continued to be his friend and we kept in touch with each other. Last week he called me up crying begging me to come get him, he wanted to get clean and needed a place to go and didn't want to go to detox but it seemed just like he was back in an institution. I thought, finally he is going to get clean and straighten up... blah, blah, blah... so I picked him up, brought him back to my house, took care of him, dealt with his paranoia, (he had been up for six days), fed him, he finally fell asleep and slept the night then he got up the next morning and went to church.... Well.. later that day this voice in my head said, check your jewelry box.. yep, the mf'er stole from me.. And the bad part is he stole something very special to my daughter, my wedding ring that her dad had given me adn he stole another ring that my dad have given my mom when i was born... I was just sick.. to make the long story short.. I got the one ring back, but my wedding ring is gone.. and he and his girlfriend have threatened me if I go to the cops.. I will NEVER again trust anyone who has an addiction issue like that to be around my home or me or my kids... I am torn between going to the cops or not.. I know if I do I am going to have to have them serve a restraining order on both he and his girlfriend or they will seek revenge on me for calling the cops on him.. BUT at the same time I don't want him to continue to get away with this stuff......

This story is just an example to be careful.. I"m not trying to scare anyone but I totally trusted him to never steal from me or my kids and He swore he never would.. Now, my daughter is the one losing out and I don't even know how I am going to tell her this......

I tend to be co-dependant and want to take care of other people's needs before my own.. well... not anymore...
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Old 01-23-2005, 11:32 AM
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Lisa,
I can relate to you and although myself I have been clean and sober, When David went back out, I could not believe the person he became. Within 2 months of being off parole for the first time in YEARS, he had picked a new case got 2 years, did 16 months, got out last march a week before his only sons 1st birthday and has been back 4 different times since then, in 10 months. I found all i could on meth addiction and realize that it's no different then any other addiction. He won't quit until he's ready and knowing it's the progression of his disease that's causing him to steal etc. and hopefully this will make him hit his bottom faster. Just remember "You did nothing to cause this, You can do nothing to fix this". Work on yourself and make YOU happy.

You will be ok!!
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Old 01-29-2005, 06:01 PM
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I have been to Alanon and found "some" support. I am to the point. This is the last time I am going to deal with a drunken spree... Last time I saw him, I told him if I wasn't happy, or even thought I wasn't happy, he was going to hit the road. Sounds harsh I know, it even sounds like a threat, but that's where I am at. I am not going to do this even one more day. When he gets out he had better stick to the AA and figure out what he is doing. My family has suffered enough. All of us have weaknesses, mine is him. But he either kicks his habit or I am kickin' mine.
Just had to chime in with my two cents.
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Old 01-29-2005, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by louis'sgirl
Bobbysgirl I know that he was using inside he told me that he would never lie to me about it. but then things went kind of bad and I told him that I would not live that life ever again. Now he says that he is trying to be sober and I want to beleave him but part of me is like, are you changing because you think that you are losing me or are you doing this for yourself.. Cause I know that he has to want it for himself not to keep me!!!
this one is hard , you are right he has to do it for hiself not you . sometimes they mean what they are saying at the time , but you cant push him ,because if he isnot ready to stop ,then he will just lie to keep you from knowing so be there for him , dont make demands , sometimes the addiction is stronger than love so take it one day at a time show him you are stronger than the drugs and you want let him down when the drugs will . i hope that came out right (words from a former user )
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Old 01-30-2005, 11:38 AM
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I have dealt with my ex saying all kinds of things even going to rehab for his addiction I kept on standing by him until I had enough. He was using in the county jail and telling me all of how he changed and was tried of that life made me believe he was clean and not going back that he had learned his lesson, but when he got of the county he admitted he was using the whole time while he was in there. But once again he said the things I wanted to hear and well he went back to using he then admited it again and got help thought we were done with it all when he finally got his sentence and went to prison I stood by him and tried to help him overcome all his past and then he went to Work Release and then was kicked out of it and sent back to prison he failed a drug test. THat was it for me no more I was done with him. And I am! My ex had been on drugs on and off since he was 14 and no jail or anyone could make him change I am not even sure if losing me made him change cause losing his 3 kids ddin't make him change yet. But I knew I had to do leave for not only me but him too, I was hurting and just letting him lie to me, he didn't need me he needed to put his focus on getting past it all and foucsing on God, I would not be of help anymore he drained me, and I couldn't stand for it anymore. All I do is pray for him and only God can heal him of his addictions.
Just wanted to let you know that there is a lot of us that have dealt with or dealing with this question time and time again. My 2 cents is that you just need to take his word and until he proves he is using then stand by him if you love him. And stand by what you say to him, because if you go back on your word it seems to me like they keep on hurting you and doing you wrong.
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all this I know it is hard and so do so many others here. You are in my prayers along with all the other addicts and family and friends of addicts. May God be with you and yours
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Old 01-30-2005, 04:32 PM
BigDaddysBaby BigDaddysBaby is offline
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Red face My Baby is NOT and addict -- I am no longer claiming that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by pam112856
this one is hard , you are right he has to do it for hiself not you . sometimes they mean what they are saying at the time , but you cant push him ,because if he isnot ready to stop ,then he will just lie to keep you from knowing so be there for him , dont make demands , sometimes the addiction is stronger than love so take it one day at a time show him you are stronger than the drugs and you want let him down when the drugs will . i hope that came out right (words from a former user )
I don't know if it came out right either Pam but it sure sounds good to me and what sounds even better is that former in front of user. God Bless you.

This really is a hard thing. It's like the addict has to decide when will he be ready to quit and his loved one has to decide when she will be ready to quit on him. Pam while you were an active user I wonder if you and your loved ones ever thought you'd get it together. That's how I felt about my husband -- that he wouldn't ever get it together. He doesn't use in there and he is ready to quit but I won't know that for sure until he gets out. Should he not be ready, then I will be ready to say so long to him and dissolve our marriage, 7/8ths of which has been spent with him in prison. My back-up plan in case I don't back-out -- asking JeffsPrinces to open up a can of whoopa$$ in my head. If that don't do it then I'LL NEED TREATMENT because she's a little firecracker and I will need some explosion in my head to knock my senses right.

[We have discussed this many many times and you know where I stand on this... I get into that head of yours and make you see the light! Jeffsprincess]

Creflo Dollar said if illness comes at you don't claim it, there's power in your speech so speak it. So at this point I am no longer claiming the addiction and I am using the power of my tongue. My husband can't help himself so we have to cheat and ask God to just whipe it off him instead of relying on him to put in the work he needs to to quit. My husband smoked that garbage unbeknownst to him that 20 years from then that he would of messed up his life, messed up other peoples life and would still be in and out of prison for it. The next bid can get him 15-20 to life -- all that for smoking that garbage!! What I need to do is let Jeffsprinces open up a can of whoopa$$ in his head!! But that won't work. My husband is a basket case and the way I see it, if God don't fix it then it's a wrap -- he'll be finished, and so will I. I don't want that because he's too darn funny -- the man keeps me in stitches -- it's very hard to let a funny man go. So because I want my husband and my marriage I am claiming it -- I am taking it back and let the power in my speech and the faith in my soul in God fix my Baby because when he's smoking that garbage he is such a pitiful and helpless man. His only real treatment, his only real time clean has been from the time the cops slapped the cuffs on him til the time the police opened the gates to let him out with a waive and a "seeya next year."

It's my only option and anyone else who wants to try it, please do.

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Old 01-31-2005, 05:09 AM
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Everone has given me such good advice. We have been dealing with the issuses and talking things out. He has shown me the Louis that I remember!! He is comming out of his funk and really seeing things different admitting his wrongs and he is talking to me about things finally!!!! I don't see us apart and i'm going to beleave in him like i did befor shove the doubts to the back and deal with things one at a time!!!! I love my baby!!! I'm working on my depedency problems starting small but at least it is working!!!!

18Months I'm where you are at. I will not live unhappy life anymore and we have talked about it.. Goodluck!!!

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Old 01-31-2005, 03:52 PM
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Close your ears and open your eyes. That is MY advice to you.

I am an addict and I was married to an addict. Most of the relationships I have been in have been with other addicts. I was a different kind of addict than my husband. You can be in a relationship with an addict as long as you know the routine and as long as you don't lose your "self!" The problem comes in trying to change the addict and trying to separate the person from the disease!
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Old 01-31-2005, 07:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by impoohbearsgirl
Close your ears and open your eyes. That is MY advice to you.

I am an addict and I was married to an addict. Most of the relationships I have been in have been with other addicts. I was a different kind of addict than my husband. You can be in a relationship with an addict as long as you know the routine and as long as you don't lose your "self!" The problem comes in trying to change the addict and trying to separate the person from the disease!

Thank-youThat is the best thing that I have heard.. and it is something that I forget from time to time not to lose myself!!! cause when I do it is the worst feeling that i have ever felt in my life. I did lose myself for a while and that is where alot of things went way out of control.
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  #23  
Old 06-04-2005, 11:56 PM
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notlyte68 notlyte68 is offline
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Today I visited my love for the first time since his arrest in April. He is in county jail, but because of his past offenses is facing prison. I blame his incarceration history on his drug use. I have come to know two different people in him. One who is loving, made me feel special, and he is christian. Then one who liked to seek drugs. During his last stay, we had a great relationship and his stay was shortened to allow him time in rehab. During 12 months rehab and 3 months at home, things were good too. But after some life disappointments, he started using again. This time drugs took over even more than before, now he began to do anything to get the drugs. He started to steal from everyone, including me. He would be gone for days and then return with promises to get clean again. By the eighth month of going back and forth in the street, he was living in his car. Then after burning all of his bridges and because he had no job, he started to use women to supply his monetary needs. He would promise them anything and everything and then one day he would disappear with their credit cards or pawnable items. He came home in February and I let him back in. He went to detox and when he returned home the news of a new warrant haunted him. So you know this meant he had to decide to turn himself in or go back out in the street because they would come to the house to find him. He decided to turn himself in. He asked me to take him to the county detention center and I did. You won't believe what happened! They told him that it was crowded and to come back at a specific time. So you know that gave him the chance to get scared and start wanting drugs, so he left (sneaked away with my jewelry). I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks until he was picked up by the police. Now it is endless letters explaining how sorry he is and how he just was not able to get his life together. How much he loves me and the kids and how he doesn't want me to give up on him. I only wrote him once to tell him that he should find someone else to depend on this time, but he continued to write and though I wrote back secretly each time, I put the letters in my drawer and did not mail them. I received a call from his cell mates girlfriend, telling me that he was sad and had gotten into some altercations with other inmates. She talked with me about how this is the time when our men needs us the most and I ended up scheduling a visit. It was a touching visit, but I am unsure of whether or not I should travel that road again. How do you go through this four times?
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Old 06-05-2005, 10:26 PM
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AmyLynn AmyLynn is offline
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Notlyte88 I did not go through this 4 times. Only once and I left him a while ago. He was not changing and there is no way that I'm going though that stuff again. No one can change unless it is for themself not YOu or kids.. I hate to say it. Yes they need us most now. But what about when we needed them. They were not there for us at all. I figured out the hard way that this is not Love that I was feeling for him but I felt sorry for him and that made me hold on to him. Thinking that I could fix him or something like that. But no that is not what a relationship should be. It should be even between the two. With us there was no way that our relationship was even. He was not even good to me when we were together inside or out. It was all about him. But what about us. Where do we fit in. When that is not the life that we want to live. In no way am I saying not to stay with him. It is all up to you. But please dont stay with him out of guilt or feeling sorry for him. You have to do what is best for you!!!! You have to put yourself first no matter what.. If you need to talk anytime Pm me anytime!!!
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Old 06-06-2005, 08:54 AM
witchlinblue witchlinblue is offline
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Louis'sgirl is right, dont stay out of guilt or feeling sorry for him. Everything that has happened has been because of decisions he has made. I do understand how you feel though, I am currently waiting my fourth time and it took quite a while for me to decide that I would do it again. There are some differences now though, this time he wont be coming home in a year or two, he will be in for a long time. Also it is all by my rules now and any change from my rules and he knows Im very gone. I still havent forgiven him and he knows it and he has to work for that forgiveness.
One thing for sure is that you should not let him pressure you to make any decision, give yourself all the time you need but he will be an addict for the rest of his life and whether he is an active addict or one in remission will have to be his choice and there is nothing you can do that will change that.
Addicts are all about themselves and if you intend to try to make it work, he will have to learn to put you above all that and you should accept nothing less.

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