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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 11-11-2012, 07:59 AM
4ever love 4ever love is offline
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Unhappy My turn and in need of suggestions

I picked my man up from camp last Wednesday. On the way home, I could tell the closer we got to our county the more tense he became. He got emotional about his mom, excited yet distant.

We took care of parole and she came to pick him up. He was so excited to see her and kept saying she'd take the day off of work for him. He called me in the am. telling me he drank and was having the shakes. We both discussed him going for a run, as he's used to hiking and running for miles (from fire camp).

I haven't heard from him since, so I called his mom's house leaving a message for him to make contact with me. She returned my call, wondering "why" my voice sounded worried. I asked her if they had a nice day on Friday, and she said she went to work. (yikes) I told her he needed to stay in contact with me, for the parole conditions. She didn't believe me and was going to call his parole officer.

She said he's doing great and hanging with his niece who's 21 yrs old!! He's grown, fresh outta prison and what do 21 yr olds like to do? Party.

She said the oldest child's mom cancelled the visit at last minute and now it's scheduled for today. His mom is pushing the kid (14 yrs old) thing on him and has no clue that one of his parole conditions is no contact with the kid's mom's husband. It's in black and white...

In the frustration of the conversation, that, in my eyes, didn't need to take place, I feel like I'm 19 again, yet my children are grown and well adjusted. I feel the message I left should have been forwarded to my man to return the call.

I luckily was on my way out to my own family function and was able to end the conversation with, "please ask him to make contact with me".

He's out, has a job waiting, but needs to be sober. I don't want him coming back to our home a mess.

What should be my next step?

Last edited by 4ever love; 11-11-2012 at 08:15 AM..
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Old 11-11-2012, 08:29 AM
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I hated to read this since it reminds me so much of my past hopes.
My loved one did great at fire camp.He loved the physical activity.
He loved doing something good and that he was great at.
He came home with such expectations but an addiction led him to make some very bad choices.
I know your loved one is under huge stress right now and probably looking for a way to deal with it.
Exercise is a very good idea!
Getting out of the house to go to meetings is a great idea.
He needs the support of structure and maybe even taking him to a doctor who understands how an adddict can be helped with medications so he doesn't feel he has to self-medicate to deal with the stress is a good idea.
You can tell him you love him.
Offer to take him to mettings.
Offer to take him to a doctor.
He is in a bad position if his mother is putting him under more stress but you taking her on directly is probably not going to help matters.
My guess is that she chooses to protect herself by just seeing only the rosy picture she wants it to be.
I pray your relationship stands this trial by fire.
I know that it is one hell of a hard thing and my prayers are with you both!
Just remember,addiction has nothing to do with how much he loves you.
If he fails,the guily will eat at him.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:27 AM
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Thank you Sheryl.

We are waiting for him to get back home here with his support group, which includes the Battalion Chief and we are ready to keep him busy. Just waiting as it's a given he had to go see his family with all those hopes of grandeur.

The gym here gave me a 30day membership for him and a personal training session! Even they know how important it is for him to keep up the great physical condition he left camp in

He and I chose what community church we would attend and in his paperwork he brought home, is a christian book. He said he was reading the bible the night before release. He knows what he's up against, and I just need to back him with support.

These PTO walls helped me get into preparation mode for months. It ain't easy out here, even for those of us without addiction.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by 4ever love View Post
I picked my man up from camp last Wednesday. On the way home, I could tell the closer we got to our county the more tense he became. He got emotional about his mom, excited yet distant.

We took care of parole and she came to pick him up. He was so excited to see her and kept saying she'd take the day off of work for him. He called me in the am. telling me he drank and was having the shakes. We both discussed him going for a run, as he's used to hiking and running for miles (from fire camp).

I haven't heard from him since, so I called his mom's house leaving a message for him to make contact with me. She returned my call, wondering "why" my voice sounded worried. I asked her if they had a nice day on Friday, and she said she went to work. (yikes) I told her he needed to stay in contact with me, for the parole conditions. She didn't believe me and was going to call his parole officer.

She said he's doing great and hanging with his niece who's 21 yrs old!! He's grown, fresh outta prison and what do 21 yr olds like to do? Party.

She said the oldest child's mom cancelled the visit at last minute and now it's scheduled for today. His mom is pushing the kid (14 yrs old) thing on him and has no clue that one of his parole conditions is no contact with the kid's mom's husband. It's in black and white...

In the frustration of the conversation, that, in my eyes, didn't need to take place, I feel like I'm 19 again, yet my children are grown and well adjusted. I feel the message I left should have been forwarded to my man to return the call.

I luckily was on my way out to my own family function and was able to end the conversation with, "please ask him to make contact with me".

He's out, has a job waiting, but needs to be sober. I don't want him coming back to our home a mess.

What should be my next step?
Your next step needs to be telling him that until he is sober, he is NOT allowed in your home, period.

You cannot make him get sober, but you can set boundaries and stick by them. You can also get yourself to an Alanon Meeting, if you have not already done so.

This is ultimately his journey and he needs suffer the consequences of his actions. Did he go to fire camp for alcohol addiction? It appears it did not help him to get sober, so now, you need to set the record straight of what you expect from the relationship. Whatever you do, do not continue to enable him to drink...that will NOT do him or you any good.

I hope it all works out and he pulls his head out of his ass, soon!

Peace~
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:33 AM
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No.it isn't easy and I wouldn't be shocked at a slip along the way and that doesn't mean that you won't have a great future together.
Sounds like you have it as under control as anyone can and now the rest is up to him and God.
I belive you will have good news to report once he gets away from family and back on track with positive things to keep him busy.
I have followed your progress and I'm believing that you will prevail :-)
God bless you, keep you and make his face to shine upon you and give you peace.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:51 AM
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Your next step needs to be telling him that until he is sober, he is NOT allowed in your home, period.

You cannot make him get sober, but you can set boundaries and stick by them. You can also get yourself to an Alanon Meeting, if you have not already done so.

This is ultimately his journey and he needs suffer the consequences of his actions. Did he go to fire camp for alcohol addiction? It appears it did not help him to get sober, so now, you need to set the record straight of what you expect from the relationship. Whatever you do, do not continue to enable him to drink...that will NOT do him or you any good.

I hope it all works out and he pulls his head out of his ass, soon!

Peace~
He knows that and that's why he stayed down at his mom's. She's the enabler. Boundaries are already set before he left camp.

No he did not go to prison for alcohol addiction. He said his mom has been drinking since GrandDad died, so sure there's some in her house. There is none in my house, by choice.

He also knows that he has the intial interview very soon.

I am well known for putting people in check and calling it out, in truth. I also accept and expect to be put in check if I need it.

I too hope he pulls his head outta his ass.

Last edited by 4ever love; 11-11-2012 at 09:53 AM..
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:04 AM
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No.it isn't easy and I wouldn't be shocked at a slip along the way and that doesn't mean that you won't have a great future together.
Sounds like you have it as under control as anyone can and now the rest is up to him and God.
I belive you will have good news to report once he gets away from family and back on track with positive things to keep him busy.
I have followed your progress and I'm believing that you will prevail :-)
God bless you, keep you and make his face to shine upon you and give you peace.
I agree and I learned alot from you here on PTO. My man has also taught me a different way of thinking, that takes me out of my only within the box thinking, and into alittle gray.

My recent rainbow, was my family function where I'm able to look at my family together and say to myself, "I really did do a great job. I single handedly raised my children". For that I'm humbly blessed today and won't let his challenges interfere with my emotional well being.

I feel better now
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:32 AM
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I agree and I learned alot from you here on PTO. My man has also taught me a different way of thinking, that takes me out of my only within the box thinking, and into alittle gray.

My recent rainbow, was my family function where I'm able to look at my family together and say to myself, "I really did do a great job. I single handedly raised my children". For that I'm humbly blessed today and won't let his challenges interfere with my emotional well being.

I feel better now
Aweee.thanks.
I'm gald you are back to your positive,focused self.You go girl
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:00 AM
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So he calls. He's the operator calling collect from the fire camp and will I accept? Right on time, I might add. LOL. I tell him, No, I can't accept cause I've already blocked the calls. He hangs up.

Calls right back and tries it again. I remind him that I don't say "yes" or "no" but I must push "5" if I accept. So I start pushing the "5" over and over. He's like what are you doing, and I say "I'm trying to accept the darn call!". He says he has limited time (hence 15mins) and asks what am I doing? Of course I'm not being accepting nor laughing with him, so he says something stupid and I say "I'll crack a bat on your head" (figure of speech). He hangs up.

Waits a few and calls back. Tries it again and I must answer "yes" or "no". I remind him he must test sober. Of course I know where this is leading and I tell him I'm going to Cabo. He says cool, but then realizes, "oh shit", and says when? I say, "very soon". He hangs up.

He knows he can't find me, contact me, and I have business in Cabo. I can leave on a minutes notice. I ruined his party, without yelling, screaming or blasting him out on his shit. He now has to scramble, get it together, and figure things out. Didn't call back as I'm sure his head is spinning right now, "shes leaving".

Everytime I had to go while he was in, he held his breath and worried, that a) I would be with someone and/or b) I would give up on us and not come back.

By the way, in all of this, but not within his hearing, did I laugh my ass off out loud. OMG, how we all hate hearing that operator!!!

It's God turn to work on him. I was tired and fell asleep so now I'm up extremely early and thought I share some humor in his mess.

Blessings!

Last edited by 4ever love; 11-12-2012 at 06:02 AM..
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:17 AM
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Poor guy.If he can get it together after that,you should be just fine.
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:29 AM
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I've been thinking, what's really going on. Got it! His favorite GrandDad and him had a bet that if my man did well, GrandDad would stay alive till he was out. Well that fell apart when the credits were taken, and GrandDad died in Oct.

My man has not been able to openly go through the 5 stages of grief, on top of hitting that gate. The emotional ride home, talking about mom's loss (it was her dad). Going to visit with high expectations, and finally facing the fact that none of us will hang with him if he's going to go backwards.

Mom took my advice and went for an unannounced visit; I'm assuming, cause my man said I threw him under the bus. Reality is, you can't take an addict straight from the gate to a young party house and not expect negative results.

I believe he's in the bargaining stage along with the depression stage. So once he's through this, he'll at some point get to the acceptance stage for GrandDad and for himself.

In the meantime, I'll be available, as always, but not enabling.

He had a tough female Captain and a woman teaching their self-help classes at the camp. Along with the great male role models fighting fires along side each other, no matter what uniform they were wearing. He's got good grounding, he just needs to find the ground once again.

I have hope and faith and I've asked God, GrandDad and my Dad to intervene and keep him safe.

Today I get to play mechanic with my friend (a mechanic) just like I used to when I was young with my Dad. So I'm off to buy the radiator and start wrenching
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:48 AM
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FYI: If I would have said "yes" at any of those given points, that would mean I accept what he's doing and am "ok" with it.

I'm not and I'm going to be led into the trap.

I'm not trying to be mean to him, but I can't accept or engage in his behavior.
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Old 11-12-2012, 04:56 PM
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Forever I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I wish I had all the answers. All I want you to know is that I am hear for you to vent to if needed. Big hugs girlfriend, you have guided me through my rouch patch and damn if I could for you I would!

What I can say, is that you are smart, strong, and hear headed. You are doing everything right. Sometimes you gotta sit back and let the pages turn. Love ya.
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Old 11-13-2012, 07:47 PM
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He came home sober and ask me to go to parole with him. We went and he went in. Then he comes out and asks me to come in and meet the PO. We all sit down, and the officer tells my man "wow, good job". We go over the basics and then they go over the plan alone.

My man comes out and is unhappy. Seems mom called the parole officer (she told me she was) and he said he doesn't want drama. My man is almost 40yrs old. We head back home and my man is happy and wants to start on home projects and we do. Nice day out and then he says I need to contact my mom. He goes in to call, comes out and says she blocked the number. So he calls her office over and over. Finally gets her and she starts crying hysterical and saying that all of this is worse on her than when her mom died. He's upset now and wants to be taken to a friend's house where he can make calls, etc. etc. I know what he's going to do

I start to cry on the way down and said, not sure if I can do this. It's heartbreaking to see the pain he's going through and I don't want it worse for him. He says he'll clear things up and call me in a day or two.
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Old 11-13-2012, 08:08 PM
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He should not be around his addict enablers - mom and niece, until he has the tools from being in therapy for a while. I don't know why he thought he could find sanctuary at his mother's. I feel if he was being serious about staying sober he would have gone to a proper sanctuary that could treat his alcoholism.

Good luck.. I know it's so painful going through this especially with a loved one who has addiction and just started probation.. and is grieving. So many triggers around him. I hope he is going into therapy and getting help for his issues.

His mom sounds like a handful.. not the good kind.
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Old 11-13-2012, 08:58 PM
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He should not be around his addict enablers - mom and niece, until he has the tools from being in therapy for a while. I don't know why he thought he could find sanctuary at his mother's. I feel if he was being serious about staying sober he would have gone to a proper sanctuary that could treat his alcoholism.

Good luck.. I know it's so painful going through this especially with a loved one who has addiction and just started probation.. and is grieving. So many triggers around him. I hope he is going into therapy and getting help for his issues.

His mom sounds like a handful.. not the good kind.
I agree 100%, yet it's a decision he must make. It's not mine to make. He did so well in camp and there's a job in my town for him, but he doesn't have the resources down where the others live, to accomodate and get to the job. So many triggers. I would love to see him in therapy and I would love to go with, when the time comes for that. I have a totally open mind and just want to live a normal life, without the chaos.

It was so hard to just let him go....
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