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Old 02-12-2011, 10:16 AM
Christiangirl Christiangirl is offline
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Default Going crazy- The using, the lies, the cheating are too much

Sorry in advance for the long post --- but here goes. I appreciate ANY words of support, encouragement or just some HELP in dealing with these feelings. I will call my husband "B". We met in Nov 2005. Up and down until I got pg in July 2006. He went to treatment for the first time for 6 weeks - got out and we got married. He relapsed when I was 9 mths pg. After our daughter was born in Feb 2007 --- he went downhill fast. And, I soon kicked him out. This led to a rollercoaster ride for the past 4 years. Him in and out of jail, in rehab another time for 6 months only to relapse 2 weeks after getting out. I hope this makes sense......


I need help. I have nobody else to talk to. B's drug life was a complete secret from me. I never met anyone he did drugs with our hung out with while doing drugs. And, I have so many things on my mind that are driving me crazy. The only insight I had to his "drug life" was the girl's phone numbers I could sneak and get off his cell phone. Yes, he cheated on me - alot from what I've been told. I was beyond furious when I found out. Most days I waffle between furious and then hurt and wanting to cry.

I filed for divorce in April 2010 - while he was in jail. I know that he cheated on me back in 2007 when I first kicked him out. He finally admitted that to me while locked up this time. When he got out last October (he did a year for theft charges, possession, DUI) I went to his parent's house and there was a girl there. Come to find out it was one of the numbers I found on his phone and we got into a huge fight over - like 2 years ago. He firmly denies ever having sex with her and said she was there that day to get drugs with him. He told me they were "good friends" and she wrote him last year when he was in jail. Anyway, he then started living with another girl. It hurts.

I have tracked girls down, harassed them, begged them to tell me what went on. I'm going crazy. He is in jail - again. And, we are talking. I have dismissed the divorce. I guess we are going to "try" again". Seems everytime he gets himself in a real bind he comes back to me.

Although when he got out last year he made no attempt to contact me. He told me it was because I had filed for divorce. And, truth be told, I did not write him nor accept any of his calls. I disconnected my home phone and would not put the money on my cell to take his calls. I was sick of all of it. The cheating, the lies, the drug use. So I can't blame him for believing it was "over". Plus he said he knew the day he got out he was going to do drugs again. And, he knows me well enough to know I won't put up with that. But, WHY does it always have to be with a girl?

The whole cheating thing is eating me up inside. I cannot stop thinking about it. You see - he never wanted sex with me. When we were together he was either out on a drug binge, coming down from a drug binge or "too tired". He has told me his sex drive is gone because of drugs. So WHY did he go to other girls? If he had no sex drive --- why go to other girls?

I have gone online searching for stories from other women who are married to meth addicts. I am despertae to talk to someone about this. Every single story I read is EXACTLY like my life. I mean - I could have written some of the stories. They all say how their husbands never wanted sex with them. And, how they cheated on them. And, if they ever did have sex with their wives it was aggressive and empty and with no feelings.

I guess what I want to hear is --- B didn't "care" about any of those other girls. He won't admit to having sex with some of them. But, he did admit to it with two. I actually spoke to the one he ended up staying with for about 2 weeks last year. She told me he had cheated on me with more than just her. She wouldn't tell me who (probably because she knows I would stalk them and try to question them - which I would have).

This girl told me B told her he loved her, etc. She said she knew he didn't -- but thta hurt me so bad. Just the thought of him with anybody else kills me. I just want to believe he loves ME and that all those other girls were just the drugs. He told me him and this girl did heroin together. And, that he used her because she had a car, money and she lived with her brother - so he had a place to live. He ended up stealing from her and her brother - so they kicked him out. It still hurts so bad. On Christmas morning - I got to see her drop him off at his parent's house and hug/kiss her goodby. I have lost 30 pounds since that day. That image is burned in my brain. I can't get over it.

I have never done meth. I don't undertsand it. I cannot understand how it could make him do all these things to his wife. And, we have a daughter. She was just a baby when alot of this happened the first time. He basically left me and our baby to fend for ourselves while he was out doing drugs and screwing other girls. I will never forget one evening he showed up - with a girl in his car - to "check" on me and our baby. She was just taking her first steps. So, I showed him how she was learning to walk. He didn't even come in the house. I walked out to the driveway with our baby girl and he got in the car with the girl he was with and drove off.

Anyway, if ANY of you could help me understand I would be grateful. It is eating me up inside. He is in jail - again - and we are talking. I try not to bring up his cheating because it only causes an argument and I know he doesn't need the stress while he's locked up. And, it hurts me because he always ends up getting mad and saying hurtful things. But, I have nobody else to talk to. My friends tell me to leave him, my mother HATES him. His mother won't even talk to me about him anymore - she is over it. I'm in counseling but that is $75/session and I can't go this weekend. I feel so alone and desperate and lonely.

He could be looking at 2 years or more. Because he violated felony probation. I told him after I dismissed the divorce that I just couldn't divorce him. And, that if he got out and screwed up again - we would just go our seperate ways and I would find somebody else. I never want to remarry -- so I guess I'll just have a boyfriend and be married to him. I don't know. I'm so confused.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I just feel so alone and like I have nobody to get this out to. I love him still - after all this - but I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster ride and it has stopped and I have one foot off and one foot still in it. And, I don't know where to go.

Susan
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Old 02-12-2011, 12:13 PM
longislandny997 longislandny997 is offline
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As a recoverying addict, now working in the field, my suggestion for you is to go to al anon, weather it is drugs or alcohol it is the same shit diffrent day. You have know clue about the addiction, and I dont mean that in a bad way. There is no known cure, but there is a way for us to live our lives without having to uses. Al anon saved my moms life. If she didnt go I think thaqt she would be dead, for real. What I put her and my whole family thru, some times I cant belive my self. My husband is back in prison for drinking and smoking pot and doing 5 yrs. After I waited 11/2 and he stayed out less then a month. Unfortunatly in the prison system especially New york there is no help or preperation for inmates to even get ready for the real world when released not alone how to stay away from drugs. It is an awfull thing. When I was in jail when I got out the first thing i wanted was my herion, thats what I got and it landed me right back. I have been clean for a minute now, but it is and will be a hard road. I wish you the best, unless you learn about it you will not be able to understand, your marriage, marriage is hard enough add drugs, almost impossible. only speaking from experiance here. I wish you the best and you can always contact me if you need any help...Thank god for this sight, it is a great place to vent...
Good luck
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:36 PM
Christiangirl Christiangirl is offline
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Thank you. Actually - I am an alcoholic. Got almost 45 days sober. And, I went to a lot of meetings with my husband. My brother died a year in a half from an overdose. I've got a little bit of experience with addiction. Still - it is a complete mystery to me why some get better and some don't.

I just pray. I pray I don't waste my life on him. But, for now atleast, I can't leave him. I went to visit him today. And, we cried. At one time - we had it all. We were so in love. And, drugs took it all away. My drinking made it worse. Because I drank with him - so I could be with him. He'd start out drinking but it always led him to meth. Then heroin. Then it was over. This went on for 2 years. Until he went to jail Jan 2009. He was in and out then went in Oct 2009 for a year. We had not really talked or spent any time together in pretty much 2 years. But, our love is back. I guess it never left. I will probably always love him. I told him I pray I don't love him until his death. I pray we have a life together someday.

Thank you for your reply. And, congratulations on your sobriety. Plesae keep it up.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:53 PM
longislandny997 longislandny997 is offline
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Thank you. Actually - I am an alcoholic. Got almost 45 days sober. And, I went to a lot of meetings with my husband. My brother died a year in a half from an overdose. I've got a little bit of experience with addiction. Still - it is a complete mystery to me why some get better and some don't.

I just pray. I pray I don't waste my life on him. But, for now atleast, I can't leave him. I went to visit him today. And, we cried. At one time - we had it all. We were so in love. And, drugs took it all away. My drinking made it worse. Because I drank with him - so I could be with him. He'd start out drinking but it always led him to meth. Then heroin. Then it was over. This went on for 2 years. Until he went to jail Jan 2009. He was in and out then went in Oct 2009 for a year. We had not really talked or spent any time together in pretty much 2 years. But, our love is back. I guess it never left. I will probably always love him. I told him I pray I don't love him until his death. I pray we have a life together someday.

Thank you for your reply. And, congratulations on your sobriety. Plesae keep it up.
I wish you the best, 45 days is something to be proud of. If I can ever help or ya just need to vent feel free to send me A private message if you like. Keep ya both in my prayers..
Gail
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:19 PM
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I am a long time 12 stepper so I understand the issue's of being sober for as long as you have been. Congratulations and please continue down this road.
I don't really know what to say that would be positive about supporting a relationship with your husband. My husband was also a cheater and he never quit throughout our whole marriage. It destroyed me inside so I would have to say if I was still with him today I would probably be practicing in the world of alcoholism. Do you know what he told me on the day we divorced, the day we went before the judge? He told me I "allowed" him to cheat because I put up with it--I always forgave and I always took him back. But that was my husband not yours.
Do you find it odd that you are always on the top of his list when he falls? When he hits bottom? Sure there is the bond of marriage and a child but where are those feelings when he is practicing in his drugs and women of choice when he is on the outside?
I want to apologize if I have offended you. I have been single for a long time now and have no compassion for a man that does drugs or cheats on not only his wife but his family. I can only wish you luck and pray that you take a LOT more time to look over this marriage before jumping ass first out of the pan and back into the fire. You are on the right track now, making sober thoughts so give it some time. This is what I would tell my daughter if I had one.
bb
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:20 PM
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I am so sorry for your pain. Addiction is tough to beat, and I say that first hand. I am a recovering alcoholic, so I do understand. However, addiction is no excuse for the way he has treated you! Please contact Al anon, they'll be more than happy to talk to you and you'll make some great friends along the way. My prayers are with you!
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by bumblebee37 View Post
I am a long time 12 stepper so I understand the issue's of being sober for as long as you have been. Congratulations and please continue down this road.
I don't really know what to say that would be positive about supporting a relationship with your husband. My husband was also a cheater and he never quit throughout our whole marriage. It destroyed me inside so I would have to say if I was still with him today I would probably be practicing in the world of alcoholism. Do you know what he told me on the day we divorced, the day we went before the judge? He told me I "allowed" him to cheat because I put up with it--I always forgave and I always took him back. But that was my husband not yours.
Do you find it odd that you are always on the top of his list when he falls? When he hits bottom? Sure there is the bond of marriage and a child but where are those feelings when he is practicing in his drugs and women of choice when he is on the outside?
I want to apologize if I have offended you. I have been single for a long time now and have no compassion for a man that does drugs or cheats on not only his wife but his family. I can only wish you luck and pray that you take a LOT more time to look over this marriage before jumping ass first out of the pan and back into the fire. You are on the right track now, making sober thoughts so give it some time. This is what I would tell my daughter if I had one.
bb
Amen, thanks for that, i think what you said hit it the nail on the head for alot of people on here....
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Old 02-13-2011, 04:21 PM
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Definitely do meetings, Naranon, Alanon. Read alot! My son has put us through so much with his addiction. Reading about Recovery saves me everyday. My son has a girlfriend that has stuck with him through his 3 years of hard addiction, in and out of recovery. She comes from a family of addicts, she is not one herself but she is horribly co-dependent, she deserves better. I love my son, but until he gets deep into recovery he will not be a good mate. Think about yourself and save yourself, he may not be ready to change his life. I wish you luck, God Bless.
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Old 02-13-2011, 08:29 PM
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Susan-
There is no marriage without trust. Complete the DIVORCE. Be done with it. Know that you are not responsible for his cheating and drug use. "Addiction" is used way too many times to explain away inexcusable behavior.

You're lucky your daughter is very young. Daughters, particularly teenagers, need STABLE FATHERS. The fact that your husband is in and out of prison and in and out of different women's arms is grotesque and NOT CONDUSIVE to a stable life with either you or your daughter. Your FIRST INSTINCT to get a divorce is SPOT ON.

Don't travel down the gutter dirt to see if he may or may not have been with this woman, or done done drugs with that woman. HIS PRIORITIES ARE NOT with you or your daughter. You don't owe him conversation because you share a daughter, he owes your daughter the world because he is her father.

Divorce him. Give yourself a real future. Latch on to your friends and your mom. You only feel alone because the ones making sense are the ones telling you to stay away from your husband. They're not being cruel -- they are looking after your best interests.

If he ever does get clean and "lives and breathes" your daughter, you'll know he's well. And she will, too. A daughter needs to know she is admired, protected, adored, and her mother respected. They can smell b*lls**t a mile away, and will take it personally 110% of the time.

Blessings to you!!
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:18 PM
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Well said bumblebee and JJheart!
It is extremely painful what we are exposed to when loving an addict. The collaterol damage is far reaching and long lasting.
My 22 year old son is a hardcore addict. In fact if he comes home tonight my husband and I will be going to Ridgeview in the morning. He has been in and out of plenty of rehabs, done the suboxone etc and continues to relapse and each time he seems to get worse and worse in his drugs of choice. My husband and I are at our wits end and we know that we should sever the relationship. We continue to make excuses, he has a felony which he earned in rehab. That's another story....which ticks me off since he was in rehab/therapeutic community in a different State.
I am sad to say all the advice you have been given here is so right on target. YOU do not have to sign up for this life, you have a daughter to protect.
You deserve better and she does too.
The pain and damage your husband has caused you and your marriage is going to take a miracle to heal. Like others have said marriage is hard enough without dealing with addiction.
Please listen to your family and the friends that care and mostly pray about your situation.
I say follow thru with the divorce. Let your husband clean up his life...who says you can not rekindle the relationship if it is meant to be.
There are plenty of people who have divorced and remarried. I have a friend who divorced her husband...they stayed divorced for 5 or 6 years. So now when people ask how long she has been married she says 30 years and 5 off for bad behavior.
Maybe he needs to loose you to have his eyes opened.
Best wishes!
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Old 02-13-2011, 10:12 PM
longislandny997 longislandny997 is offline
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susan-
there is no marriage without trust. Complete the divorce. Be done with it. Know that you are not responsible for his cheating and drug use. "addiction" is used way too many times to explain away inexcusable behavior.

You're lucky your daughter is very young. Daughters, particularly teenagers, need stable fathers. The fact that your husband is in and out of prison and in and out of different women's arms is grotesque and not condusive to a stable life with either you or your daughter. Your first instinct to get a divorce is spot on.

Don't travel down the gutter dirt to see if he may or may not have been with this woman, or done done drugs with that woman. His priorities are not with you or your daughter. you don't owe him conversation because you share a daughter, he owes your daughter the world because he is her father.

divorce him. Give yourself a real future. Latch on to your friends and your mom. You only feel alone because the ones making sense are the ones telling you to stay away from your husband. They're not being cruel -- they are looking after your best interests.

If he ever does get clean and "lives and breathes" your daughter, you'll know he's well. And she will, too. A daughter needs to know she is admired, protected, adored, and her mother respected. They can smell b*lls**t a mile away, and will take it personally 110% of the time.

Blessings to you!!
well said>>>
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Old 02-13-2011, 10:20 PM
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Susan-
There is no marriage without trust. Complete the DIVORCE. Be done with it. Know that you are not responsible for his cheating and drug use. "Addiction" is used way too many times to explain away inexcusable behavior.

You're lucky your daughter is very young. Daughters, particularly teenagers, need STABLE FATHERS. The fact that your husband is in and out of prison and in and out of different women's arms is grotesque and NOT CONDUSIVE to a stable life with either you or your daughter. Your FIRST INSTINCT to get a divorce is SPOT ON.

Don't travel down the gutter dirt to see if he may or may not have been with this woman, or done done drugs with that woman. HIS PRIORITIES ARE NOT with you or your daughter. You don't owe him conversation because you share a daughter, he owes your daughter the world because he is her father.

Divorce him. Give yourself a real future. Latch on to your friends and your mom. You only feel alone because the ones making sense are the ones telling you to stay away from your husband. They're not being cruel -- they are looking after your best interests.

If he ever does get clean and "lives and breathes" your daughter, you'll know he's well. And she will, too. A daughter needs to know she is admired, protected, adored, and her mother respected. They can smell b*lls**t a mile away, and will take it personally 110% of the time.

Blessings to you!!
Very excellent post.And she is right.While i wholeheartedly believe in the seriousness of wedding vows,the fact of the matter is,i was married to an addict and serial cheat and they rarely take responsibility,or change unless they hit rock bottom and even then many still don't change.you certainly cannot "love"him out of his addiction or his cheating ways.He shattered your wedding vows by cheating and women are not his only mistresses.The drugs are too and when drugs are in the picture you will ALWAYS come in second place.Take it from someone whose been there and worn the tshirt,being married to an addict/cheat is hell on earth but it's a hell that YOU can choose to put an end to.If not for your sake,do it for your daughters.you are both precious and neither of you deserves this kind of treatment and abuse.
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Christiangirl View Post
Thank you. Actually - I am an alcoholic. Got almost 45 days sober. And, I went to a lot of meetings with my husband. My brother died a year in a half from an overdose. I've got a little bit of experience with addiction. Still - it is a complete mystery to me why some get better and some don't.

I just pray. I pray I don't waste my life on him. But, for now atleast, I can't leave him. I went to visit him today. And, we cried. At one time - we had it all. We were so in love. And, drugs took it all away. My drinking made it worse. Because I drank with him - so I could be with him. He'd start out drinking but it always led him to meth. Then heroin. Then it was over. This went on for 2 years. Until he went to jail Jan 2009. He was in and out then went in Oct 2009 for a year. We had not really talked or spent any time together in pretty much 2 years. But, our love is back. I guess it never left. I will probably always love him. I told him I pray I don't love him until his death. I pray we have a life together someday.

Thank you for your reply. And, congratulations on your sobriety. Plesae keep it up.
Christian Girl,

You are suffering immensely. I wish I could hug you and make your pain go away. But I am powerless in my wish for only you can make the pain stop. After reading your first message I learned that you know what he does -- the drinking and drugging, his admission that he won't stop drinking and drugging once out of jail/prison, his serial cheating, his total neglect of you. And you finish this message I am replying to with "I pray we have a life together someday." I wish you could hear my voice, for it is kind, gentle, soft and full of caring when I say all of the following: You are very confused and determined NOT to see the truth which is, he does not want to get better, he does not care about you or anybody. You do not say if the pregnancy reached term, but he did not care about your child either. You cannot help him for he does not want help. And that answers your question why some people remain sober while others do not: some work hard at it and search for everything that can help them. He wants to remain a drug addict despite all of the harsh consequences that fall on him time and time again.

I would suggest that you are addicted to him as you are to alcohol. You are punishing yourself and your weapons are this man and drinks. I would guess (and I could be wrong) that you have always suffered and you do not know what happiness is, so you drink to forget and you use him to maintain what you are used to -- sadness, pain and hurt in your heart. Change is hard for all of us and we tend to recreate and maintain what we are used to.

This man you write about is on a path of self-destruction that only he can stop it -- only if he wants -- and he will continue on this path as long as people like you and other people he uses enable him. If you want to be part of his destruction, please be sure to continue with him, seeing him, thinking about him, "helping" him... You can choose to "let go and let
God."

I could be completely wrong, but only you would know for the truth is within you and if you let it out and make a resolve to get serious help, it will set you free.

Last edited by CC'sMom; 02-14-2011 at 12:14 PM..
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:16 PM
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Christian Girl,

You are suffering immensely. I wish I could hug you and make your pain go away. But I am powerless in my wish for only you can make the pain stop. After reading your first message I learned that you know what he does -- the drinking and drugging, his admission that he won't stop drinking and drugging once out of jail/prison, his serial cheating, his total neglect of you. And you finish this message I am replying to with "I pray we have a life together someday." I wish you could hear my voice, for it is kind, gentle, soft and full of caring when I say all of the following: You are very confused and determined NOT Vto see the truth which is, he does not want to get better, he does not care about you or anybody. You do not say if the pregnancy reached term, but he did not care about your child either. You cannot help him for he does not want help. And that answers your question why some people remain sober while others do not: some work hard at it and search for everything that can help them. He wants to remain a drug addict despite all of the harsh consequences that fall on him time and time again.

I would suggest that you are addicted to him as you are to alcohol. You are punishing yourself and your weapons are this man and drinks. I would guess (and I could be wrong) that you have always suffered and you do not know what happiness is, so you drink to forget and you use him to maintain what you are used to -- sadness, pain and hurt in your heart. Change is hard for all of us and we tend to recreate and maintain what we are used to.

This man you write about is on a path of self-destruction that only he can stop it -- only if he wants -- and he will continue on this path as long as people like you and other people he uses enable him. If you want to be part of his destruction, please be sure to continue with him, seeing him, thinking about him, "helping" him... You can choose to "let go and let
God."

I could be completely wrong, but only you would know for the truth is within you and if you let it out and make a resolve to get serious help, it will set you free.
That was beautifully written, and brutally honest. I hope others will see this as well as christian girl and learn. Yea, it sure is easy while your doing your bid to stop doing drugs and talk the talk, unfornatuly to see them walk the walk when they get out USUALLY dosent happen. Speaking from pure experiance unfortunatly....God bless..
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Old 02-15-2011, 12:00 PM
JJheart JJheart is offline
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Originally Posted by Lordbew/us View Post
Well said bumblebee and JJheart!
It is extremely painful what we are exposed to when loving an addict. The collaterol damage is far reaching and long lasting.
My 22 year old son is a hardcore addict. In fact if he comes home tonight my husband and I will be going to Ridgeview in the morning. He has been in and out of plenty of rehabs, done the suboxone etc and continues to relapse and each time he seems to get worse and worse in his drugs of choice. My husband and I are at our wits end and we know that we should sever the relationship. We continue to make excuses, he has a felony which he earned in rehab. That's another story....which ticks me off since he was in rehab/therapeutic community in a different State.
I am sad to say all the advice you have been given here is so right on target. YOU do not have to sign up for this life, you have a daughter to protect.
You deserve better and she does too.
The pain and damage your husband has caused you and your marriage is going to take a miracle to heal. Like others have said marriage is hard enough without dealing with addiction.
Please listen to your family and the friends that care and mostly pray about your situation.
I say follow thru with the divorce. Let your husband clean up his life...who says you can not rekindle the relationship if it is meant to be.
There are plenty of people who have divorced and remarried. I have a friend who divorced her husband...they stayed divorced for 5 or 6 years. So now when people ask how long she has been married she says 30 years and 5 off for bad behavior.
Maybe he needs to loose you to have his eyes opened.
Best wishes!

Lordbew/us, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Did you make it to Ridgeview?

22 is so young. And boys tend to be mentally younger anyway. I laugh everytime I think of the legal "adult" age as 18....I was an idiot at 18, tunnel-visioned, immature, self-centered and still idiotic at 22 as well.

I guess when I look back on my teen and 20s years, for me it all comes back to the peer group. Opportunity to "try" things and "do" things really travels in all circles, but they're phases for some and ways of life for others. I don't know how your son found himself in the circumstances he's in, but I will pray for him. You guys (his parents) are the constants. Please hang in there.

ChristianGirl, you are in my prayers as well. I do hope you update us again.
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