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  #1  
Old 12-05-2017, 10:30 AM
dunksislife dunksislife is offline
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Default Is hitting an intimate partner ever OK?

I was in a DV situation in the not-too-distant past. My "LO" (and I struggle to call him a LO) at the time told me he felt there were times when it was OK to hit or otherwise abuse a partner. The examples he gave were when the person cheated, talked to an ex (no sex involved) or when some other perceived egregious injustice had been perpetrated upon the abuser (which could be something as simple as breathing too loud or some other ridiculous thing). In my case, it was when I was in contact with an ex-boyfriend trying to get some perspective and remembrance of the person I was before my abuser totally railroaded my life. When he found out, he began hitting me in the face while I was driving. Two days later, he attacked me with a knife and held me at knife-point while I just waited for him to stab me. He broke my nose, left me with a bruise from my shoulder to my elbow and with mental scars that last to this day.

I am getting ready to go back into trauma therapy because I have found I am in no way, shape or form over what happened so long ago. I am almost apathetic to people and life situations. It's a shutdown coping mechanism. I still struggle with what my abuser said to me about me deserving the abuse because I "cheated" on him, not to mention all the other things he said about me being fat but pretty, useless, stupid, etc. You know, all the things they normally say.

It's to the point where it's affecting my ability to even love my current LO the way I should and the way we both deserve now. I'm trying to mitigate the damage and stop myself from killing this relationship before it even really gets a chance beyond prison walls.

Sometimes I just wonder, did I ever really deserve the abuse? I know what the obvious answer is, but I just wonder if he was right? Are there ever situations where being beaten and mentally abused are acceptable?
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Old 12-05-2017, 10:34 AM
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"Are there ever situations where being beaten and mentally abused are acceptable?"

No, never.
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Old 12-05-2017, 10:40 AM
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No it is never okay to hit a loved one and NO NO NO you did not deserve the abuse. I was also in an abusive relationship both physical and mental. I got to the point where I did believe it was my own fault as he planted it in my head. I ended up in hospital unconscious with many physical injuries which eventually healed but the mental scars take a long time. It took me a very long time before I trusted another man and it took a while for my husband to break down my walls. I opted not to have therapy instead talked for hours to very close friends and close family. Go and get therapy if it will help you and believe me when I tell you that not all men are like that. You will get there eventually honestly. If your man loves you he will understand and will stick with you through your difficult days. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat and please do whatever you need to do to help you through it but NEVER think you "deserved" it.
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Old 12-05-2017, 10:52 AM
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How is this even a question??? Wow
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Old 12-05-2017, 10:53 AM
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No it is never okay to hit a loved one and NO NO NO you did not deserve the abuse. I was also in an abusive relationship both physical and mental. I got to the point where I did believe it was my own fault as he planted it in my head. I ended up in hospital unconscious with many physical injuries which eventually healed but the mental scars take a long time. It took me a very long time before I trusted another man and it took a while for my husband to break down my walls. I opted not to have therapy instead talked for hours to very close friends and close family. Go and get therapy if it will help you and believe me when I tell you that not all men are like that. You will get there eventually honestly. If your man loves you he will understand and will stick with you through your difficult days. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat and please do whatever you need to do to help you through it but NEVER think you "deserved" it.
My current LO has been nothing but supportive, honestly. He has listened to me cry, be angry, hostile, etc. and taken it like a champ. But the issue is me. I can't get close to him. He's great, but I always feel so disconnected.

My ex is awaiting trial on one of the cases against him. He has a fugitive warrant and the state holding the warrant granted him a bail on it, so he will be released on Friday to the street when someone bails him out. He was locked back up because the new charges triggered a probation violation from an old case he still had paper on. I can't believe it's happening (him getting out), but it is. He actually has someone willing to bail him out from what I understand from my advocate. It is a sickening feeling. It is also what has triggered all these flashbacks and the PTSD symptoms I'm experiencing now.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:07 AM
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How is this even a question??? Wow
I apologize for posting it. I thought this was a board for support and exploring difficult topics as we go through the paces of recovery. Clearly I was wrong. Not everyone is in the same stage of recovery as others or experiences the same level of closure. When old wounds are re-opened for one reason or another, it can make you question everything, ergo why I posted the question.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:10 AM
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How is this even a question??? Wow
It's something many victims of domestic violence/abuse question at some point. Not whether being hit is OK, we all know it's not, but whether we did something to make that person angry/jealous/disappointed/lash out. That's part of the abuse cycle and the manipulative way an abuser works.

It's a question because when you've experienced abuse you have to be able to answer it in a way that heals. Getting feedback from from other victims who have recovered or, as you posted, people who have not been abused reflect the absurdity of the idea and give us a grounding point for what is considered healthy.

No, it's never OK to hit your partner. There are always other options to handle your emotions. A person who abuses has those options.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:12 AM
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I apologize for posting it. I thought this was a board for support and exploring difficult topics as we go through the paces of recovery. Clearly I was wrong. Not everyone is in the same stage of recovery as others or experiences the same level of closure. When old wounds are re-opened for one reason or another, it can make you question everything, ergo why I posted the question.
You were perfectly within your right to post. Some people don't have the experience to respond through a helpful and supportive lens.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by dunksislife View Post
I apologize for posting it. I thought this was a board for support and exploring difficult topics as we go through the paces of recovery. Clearly I was wrong. Not everyone is in the same stage of recovery as others or experiences the same level of closure. When old wounds are re-opened for one reason or another, it can make you question everything, ergo why I posted the question.
Of course you were right to post it. I think it is very difficult for someone who hasn't been through the trauma of an abusive relationship to understand
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:30 AM
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How is this even a question??? Wow


I think when you become a victim of abuse you develop some degree or variation of “Stockholm Syndrome” where you begin to sympathize with or become co-dependent in relation to your abuser. If you haven’t been abused, based on what I have experienced both with Dee and working with mental health clients and drug abusers in the past who have experienced both physical and emotional abuse, you are fortunate. It is common for an abused person to ask if they deserved it or wonder if what they experienced was acceptable or allowed in at least some circumstances (one of the best simplified examples of this phenomenon that I can think of is in Back To The Future 2 when Biff smacks Lorraine and she says she deserved it.)

Dee’s ex-, as far as I know, never laid a finger on her but she often blamed herself and her own actions for the manipulative elements of his personality. It took YEARS of her seeing that I didn’t put her down or threaten to use something of importance to her as leverage against her to get my way for it to fully sink in that that’s not what a relationship or marriage is supposed to look like, that a man isn’t supposed to act that way, especially not toward the mother of his children.

So for you or I, who haven’t been abused like that (or if we were decided to not put up with the BS and walk away at the first hint of trouble,) it seems like common sense. You really have to see it happen or experience it yourself to understand how people get there.

We are truly blessed, my friend, to not question whether or not this is normal and be able to definitively, fully say “no, it’s never acceptable.” OP is also blessed.....because she has the wherewithal to open up about what happened to her and ask for the thoughts of others. She is healing. And she is not nearly as likely to go back to her abuser or start with another abuser as someone who isn’t at least seeking that insight. I wish her good health and a happy life.

-E
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:45 AM
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Turn thenwuestion around - is there ever a time when your emotions are so out of control that you'd feel justified beating somebody? Especially somebody not as strong as you?

Look, I do a lot of martial arts. So, yeah, I hit people. I throw them around. I choke them. But it's all under control, in the dojo, and the person having the technique done to them is in control - the moment they tap, or want a break, or call it a night is the moment everything stops. Nobody name calls - they ask if you're all right. There are some very delightful couples in martial arts, and I've know a few for decades. The joke, in bad tastes because I am a lawyer, is, "in the dojo; everywhere else it's spousal abuse (you can interchange ag battery or child abuse for spousal abuse)" and it really is a bad joke. In the judo, you don't want to hurt your training partners. Without training partners, you don't improve. In the dojo, you don't do anything from raw emotion. If you are having a hard day and get emotional, you are expected to deal with it, or you will be invited off the dojo floor. Dealing with it does not mean beating on your training partners. In the dojo, good one anyway, you welcome new people to the training, you go to clinics, you meet other practitioners around the world (and punch them or choke them as tehe case may be) - the goal is inclusiveness, not isolation on a mountain top in Tibet or some other Bruce Lee mythology. In the dojo, you ask for help from everybody, and are expected to give what help you can to those who ask.

The comparison with DV is only one of hitting - do you hit your husband (in my case, ex husband but I did hit him before, during and after the relationship). The true question is, "do you mean to cause your partner harm?" If the answer is yes, it's abuse. "Do you mean to alleviate your own intense feelings by harming your partner?" This is abuse. "Do you ever intend to make your partner feel bad because you can?" This is abuse.

So, yeah, you can hit your partner without abusing your partner. You can abuse the hell out of your partner without ever touching them.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:58 AM
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I apologize for posting it. I thought this was a board for support and exploring difficult topics as we go through the paces of recovery. Clearly I was wrong. Not everyone is in the same stage of recovery as others or experiences the same level of closure. When old wounds are re-opened for one reason or another, it can make you question everything, ergo why I posted the question.


No need to apologize. I think the greater point of her question is one to note.......why SHOULD this be a question? Not because it’s not a valid question but because, ideally, nobody would go through things that would make this be a question that anyone would ask.

Your reasoning for posting is fully valid.
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Old 12-05-2017, 12:23 PM
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I think when you become a victim of abuse you develop some degree or variation of “Stockholm Syndrome” where you begin to sympathize with or become co-dependent in relation to your abuser. If you haven’t been abused, based on what I have experienced both with Dee and working with mental health clients and drug abusers in the past who have experienced both physical and emotional abuse, you are fortunate. It is common for an abused person to ask if they deserved it or wonder if what they experienced was acceptable or allowed in at least some circumstances (one of the best simplified examples of this phenomenon that I can think of is in Back To The Future 2 when Biff smacks Lorraine and she says she deserved it.)

Dee’s ex-, as far as I know, never laid a finger on her but she often blamed herself and her own actions for the manipulative elements of his personality. It took YEARS of her seeing that I didn’t put her down or threaten to use something of importance to her as leverage against her to get my way for it to fully sink in that that’s not what a relationship or marriage is supposed to look like, that a man isn’t supposed to act that way, especially not toward the mother of his children.

So for you or I, who haven’t been abused like that (or if we were decided to not put up with the BS and walk away at the first hint of trouble,) it seems like common sense. You really have to see it happen or experience it yourself to understand how people get there.

We are truly blessed, my friend, to not question whether or not this is normal and be able to definitively, fully say “no, it’s never acceptable.” OP is also blessed.....because she has the wherewithal to open up about what happened to her and ask for the thoughts of others. She is healing. And she is not nearly as likely to go back to her abuser or start with another abuser as someone who isn’t at least seeking that insight. I wish her good health and a happy life.

-E
I definitely developed a form of Stockholm Syndrome when it first happened. I defended him so hard and absolutely refused to help the DA's office prosecute him. Had I testified, he would have gotten 20+ years easily with his prior record. I was so traumatized that I shutdown and didn't want to relive or revisit the past. Due to certain circumstances with the case (no excited utterance, no victim to testify, etc.), his defense attorney filed a motion to dismiss and it was accepted by the judge. Because of me, charges including domestic A&B with a dangerous weapon, kidnapping and intimidation of a witness were dismissed. He served out a 6 month probation violation and that ends Friday.

Now I find myself faced with the past yet again. He is facing 7 felonies in another state resulting from another incident involving me. All are domestic A&B including animal abuse. He kicked my cat across the room and told me he would kill him by breaking his neck because I was a whore and was lying to him all the time. Ironically, that was the event that made me call the police. Seeing my animal cowering under the bed afraid to come out and then looking at my face in the mirror, I couldn't take it anymore and I needed help. Only to rebuff that help later on.

Did I lie to him? Yes I did. There's no excuse for lying, but I did it because I was scared of him and needed someone to talk to. I reached out to my ex because I trust him and he has always had my best interest at heart for the last 20 years.

I'm afraid of what is to come in the next few months. There are these times when I have these flashes of excitement over my LO coming home. More often than not, they are quickly muffled by feelings of sheer terror over having to face my abuser again. I think it's that very point that makes me not want to testify against him. I know he is a member of some hometown gang and that alone scares me. Some girl "ratted" on one of his brothers and she was beaten literally blind by another member. She never regained sight and is permanently disfigured. She was so scared she opted not to testify against the guy. He was convicted anyway.

I haven't gone to see my LO in months. Taking trips to see him used to be fun. Now I just feel nothing but dread and fear of leaving home. I had it under control for a while, but as Friday approaches, I am getting more and more freaked out and reclusive. And because of that, I know I need help.
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Old 12-05-2017, 12:39 PM
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I am a victim of mental and psycal abuse for many years I never once questioned if it was ok or not. If your of right mind you know it's not. I'm not saying your not. It's a common sence question. Do you think Its ok???
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Old 12-05-2017, 12:51 PM
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Nothing you've listed, and nothing you ever could list, would qualify as reasons for hitting. Period. But we get lost in trying to think the best, to soothe the unruly and just plain hiding our feelings to avoid saying something that will get us hit again. We just shut down, because it's too painful to actually deal with as one huge sin against us victims.

You may be entirely right about needing to fear. Fear is a warning that we often need to pay attention to. But once you've been beaten like a rented mule, fear becomes your default setting and you need help to get that setting back to normal (I might suggest EMDR - look it up.)

Be assured, I've done all of that, and so have many others on this board. You're among friends!

Do you feel like a No Contact order would help? If you do, you can go to a domestic violence center near you and ask for legal help to go in front of a judge and ask for one. At any rate, ask the center for all the help they have to offer. They probably have therapists, escape plans, training, and several other things to offer.

This is going to be a long haul back to feeling like yourself again, but it happens, slowly. You will get yourself back. To help, you could read through THIS THREAD that lebeau started years ago, that gave us all a chance to revel in the changes we could make for ourselves, things we could afford to feel again, and lost tastes, smells, sounds or sights that had come back.
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Old 12-05-2017, 10:10 PM
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Self doubt is a thing.

I can't offer therapeutic advice, but what happens if you stare hard at the thing in your mind telling lies about whose fault it was? Is it tall or short? What does its voice sound like? Does it maybe look a little stupid?

Here's something that helped one person after another after another in a thread here. Throw out the sheets and blankets. Sleep under new bedding that the abuser never touched.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:30 PM
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I definitely developed a form of Stockholm Syndrome when it first happened. I defended him so hard and absolutely refused to help the DA's office prosecute him. Had I testified, he would have gotten 20+ years easily with his prior record. I was so traumatized that I shutdown and didn't want to relive or revisit the past. Due to certain circumstances with the case (no excited utterance, no victim to testify, etc.), his defense attorney filed a motion to dismiss and it was accepted by the judge. Because of me, charges including domestic A&B with a dangerous weapon, kidnapping and intimidation of a witness were dismissed. He served out a 6 month probation violation and that ends Friday.

Now I find myself faced with the past yet again. He is facing 7 felonies in another state resulting from another incident involving me. All are domestic A&B including animal abuse. He kicked my cat across the room and told me he would kill him by breaking his neck because I was a whore and was lying to him all the time. Ironically, that was the event that made me call the police. Seeing my animal cowering under the bed afraid to come out and then looking at my face in the mirror, I couldn't take it anymore and I needed help. Only to rebuff that help later on.

Did I lie to him? Yes I did. There's no excuse for lying, but I did it because I was scared of him and needed someone to talk to. I reached out to my ex because I trust him and he has always had my best interest at heart for the last 20 years.

I'm afraid of what is to come in the next few months. There are these times when I have these flashes of excitement over my LO coming home. More often than not, they are quickly muffled by feelings of sheer terror over having to face my abuser again. I think it's that very point that makes me not want to testify against him. I know he is a member of some hometown gang and that alone scares me. Some girl "ratted" on one of his brothers and she was beaten literally blind by another member. She never regained sight and is permanently disfigured. She was so scared she opted not to testify against the guy. He was convicted anyway.

I haven't gone to see my LO in months. Taking trips to see him used to be fun. Now I just feel nothing but dread and fear of leaving home. I had it under control for a while, but as Friday approaches, I am getting more and more freaked out and reclusive. And because of that, I know I need help.
One, there are plenty of good reasons to lie to somebody. When they make you afraid for your life, damned straight it's a good time to lie your ass off and tell them exactly what they want to hear so that they don't kill you or hurt you so bad that your life is interrupted, and your mind is held hostage by fear.

In a normal relationship, you lie and tell your loved one that the meatloaf was really quite good even though you could barely choke it down. Why? Because you don't want to hurt them, and you really appreciate the effort. But that's a normal relationship, where both parties are actually concerned enough with the health and wellbeing of the other that they will choke down crappy meatloaf.

In a DV situation? It's even more important to lie. You lie to avoid getting hurt. You lie to give yourself the space to get out without an angry confrontation. You lie about the finances so that you can squirrel away enough money so that you can get out. In short, you lie to save your skin from the monster who wants to take that skin and nail it to a wall. Without you in it.

Don't beat yourself up for lying. It is quite tempting to beat yourself up when you are so used to having somebody around to beat you that you start missing it. Stop.

Now, as for meeting him when he comes home - make sure there's an active order of protection in place. Call the cops the minute you feel he's violating it. This includes intimidation by third parties, aka gang members.

Talk with a domestic violence counselor and legal counselor and make sure you mention the gang crap - there may be legal paper stuff that can be done so that they have to stay away, etoo. Plus, you need an action plan should you start to feel threatened by these people. You need a safe place to run to at the drop of a hat, and you need to feel good about using those options.

Get help. You say you know you need it, so get it. Call your local domestic violence shelter - they are much more than a secure place for you to run to. They will help with your legal and your practical and your psychological challenges. Trust me on this - waiting for him to get out is far more scary than going to see people who are actually there, ready to help you. Get the help you need. Get access to your resources and use them. You do not have to be alone in this.

Btw, reclusive is exactly where he wants you to be. Then, when he shows up, you feel alone and isolated with just him and this big problem. The psychological underpinnings of a battering relationship will make it much more difficult to reach out when he's there, in the free world, obstructing your life. Don't play into this hand. Instead, take the hands of the people who want to help. Connect with the domestic violence shelter and their staff of counselors, attorneys, and peers. It is much better than isolating and doing half of his work for him so he can beat you with impugnity whenever he gets a hankering to take his frustrations out on you.

Get help. It's available.
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  #18  
Old 12-06-2017, 03:33 AM
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I was in a DV situation in the not-too-distant past. My "LO" (and I struggle to call him a LO) at the time told me he felt there were times when it was OK to hit or otherwise abuse a partner. The examples he gave were when the person cheated, talked to an ex (no sex involved) or when some other perceived egregious injustice had been perpetrated upon the abuser (which could be something as simple as breathing too loud or some other ridiculous thing). In my case, it was when I was in contact with an ex-boyfriend trying to get some perspective and remembrance of the person I was before my abuser totally railroaded my life. When he found out, he began hitting me in the face while I was driving. Two days later, he attacked me with a knife and held me at knife-point while I just waited for him to stab me. He broke my nose, left me with a bruise from my shoulder to my elbow and with mental scars that last to this day.

I am getting ready to go back into trauma therapy because I have found I am in no way, shape or form over what happened so long ago. I am almost apathetic to people and life situations. It's a shutdown coping mechanism. I still struggle with what my abuser said to me about me deserving the abuse because I "cheated" on him, not to mention all the other things he said about me being fat but pretty, useless, stupid, etc. You know, all the things they normally say.

It's to the point where it's affecting my ability to even love my current LO the way I should and the way we both deserve now. I'm trying to mitigate the damage and stop myself from killing this relationship before it even really gets a chance beyond prison walls.

Sometimes I just wonder, did I ever really deserve the abuse? I know what the obvious answer is, but I just wonder if he was right? Are there ever situations where being beaten and mentally abused are acceptable?
Your thoughts are in alignment with a classic victim of DV and getting into trauma counseling is VERY important for you and for any future relationships. IMO you should NOT be starting a new relationship with the mindset you currently have. It is NEVER, I repeat NEVER okay to hit someone you claim to love and care about.

It's best if you DO kill this relationship because 9 times out of 10, you will end up abused again. Get into counseling and make starting a relationship your LAST priority. Until you love yourself, nobody else will either.
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  #19  
Old 12-06-2017, 06:02 AM
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One, there are plenty of good reasons to lie to somebody. When they make you afraid for your life, damned straight it's a good time to lie your ass off and tell them exactly what they want to hear so that they don't kill you or hurt you so bad that your life is interrupted, and your mind is held hostage by fear.

In a normal relationship, you lie and tell your loved one that the meatloaf was really quite good even though you could barely choke it down. Why? Because you don't want to hurt them, and you really appreciate the effort. But that's a normal relationship, where both parties are actually concerned enough with the health and wellbeing of the other that they will choke down crappy meatloaf.

In a DV situation? It's even more important to lie. You lie to avoid getting hurt. You lie to give yourself the space to get out without an angry confrontation. You lie about the finances so that you can squirrel away enough money so that you can get out. In short, you lie to save your skin from the monster who wants to take that skin and nail it to a wall. Without you in it.

Don't beat yourself up for lying. It is quite tempting to beat yourself up when you are so used to having somebody around to beat you that you start missing it. Stop.

Now, as for meeting him when he comes home - make sure there's an active order of protection in place. Call the cops the minute you feel he's violating it. This includes intimidation by third parties, aka gang members.

Talk with a domestic violence counselor and legal counselor and make sure you mention the gang crap - there may be legal paper stuff that can be done so that they have to stay away, etoo. Plus, you need an action plan should you start to feel threatened by these people. You need a safe place to run to at the drop of a hat, and you need to feel good about using those options.

Get help. You say you know you need it, so get it. Call your local domestic violence shelter - they are much more than a secure place for you to run to. They will help with your legal and your practical and your psychological challenges. Trust me on this - waiting for him to get out is far more scary than going to see people who are actually there, ready to help you. Get the help you need. Get access to your resources and use them. You do not have to be alone in this.

Btw, reclusive is exactly where he wants you to be. Then, when he shows up, you feel alone and isolated with just him and this big problem. The psychological underpinnings of a battering relationship will make it much more difficult to reach out when he's there, in the free world, obstructing your life. Don't play into this hand. Instead, take the hands of the people who want to help. Connect with the domestic violence shelter and their staff of counselors, attorneys, and peers. It is much better than isolating and doing half of his work for him so he can beat you with impugnity whenever he gets a hankering to take his frustrations out on you.

Get help. It's available.
On the legal side, what I am so frustrated about is why this other state is not coming to get him knowing full well he is being released Friday. There is no Governor's Warrant either. I will do what I have to do to protect myself, but if I were said other state, I would be standing at the court door waiting for him to be taken off the van. Essentially what is happening is that he is being HABE'd to the county (from the county where he wrapped up his probation violation time) where the fugitive warrant is out of (since he got caught in another state) and then, because that court is so stupid and set a very low bail, being released on bail. He did waive extradition, so I'm not sure how that factors into all of this. I'm just not legal-smart enough to understand how fugitive warrants, bail and extradition all work. My understanding is he has until Monday to turn himself in to the police department where the new charges will stem from. That county's DA's office hasn't formally charged him yet, so he's essentially just answering to the fugitive warrant and then I guess they will move forward with indictment/arraignment.

All that being said, I have an appointment lined up with a counselor. Fortunately, I have good private insurance so payment is not a problem. I am eager to get started and get this behind me, or at least start working through it. Some days feel good, other days feel like I'm at less than zero. What I can hope for in terms of his new case in this other state is that they won't need me when the time comes. They have physical evidence, my statement and hospital records. I don't want to face him and be dragged back into that nightmare.
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Old 12-06-2017, 06:11 AM
dunksislife dunksislife is offline
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Your thoughts are in alignment with a classic victim of DV and getting into trauma counseling is VERY important for you and for any future relationships. IMO you should NOT be starting a new relationship with the mindset you currently have. It is NEVER, I repeat NEVER okay to hit someone you claim to love and care about.

It's best if you DO kill this relationship because 9 times out of 10, you will end up abused again. Get into counseling and make starting a relationship your LAST priority. Until you love yourself, nobody else will either.

The person I'm with now is incarcerated (I knew him before incarceration and was with him prior too). I'm not even sure if you'd say we are "together" right now. I'm not much about putting labels on it. He isn't pushing me to either. All in all, he has just been a source of support for me to cry to, scream at, so on and so on. I love him, but given the fact I can't even love myself, I'm not about to get into something I can't navigate right now. So that being said, he is someone I love without any type of label. He is a loved one and yes it is a relationship, of some type.

I was in trauma counseling right after all of this happened and thought I had been making progress...thought being the operative word there. I was doing OK until I found out he was bailing out and then it was like the entire world came crashing down. The apprehension and fear I feel are affecting my ability to sleep, eat and even work. They're interfering with my ability to live. It has to stop.
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  #21  
Old 12-06-2017, 06:18 AM
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Nothing you've listed, and nothing you ever could list, would qualify as reasons for hitting. Period. But we get lost in trying to think the best, to soothe the unruly and just plain hiding our feelings to avoid saying something that will get us hit again. We just shut down, because it's too painful to actually deal with as one huge sin against us victims.

You may be entirely right about needing to fear. Fear is a warning that we often need to pay attention to. But once you've been beaten like a rented mule, fear becomes your default setting and you need help to get that setting back to normal (I might suggest EMDR - look it up.)

Be assured, I've done all of that, and so have many others on this board. You're among friends!

Do you feel like a No Contact order would help? If you do, you can go to a domestic violence center near you and ask for legal help to go in front of a judge and ask for one. At any rate, ask the center for all the help they have to offer. They probably have therapists, escape plans, training, and several other things to offer.

This is going to be a long haul back to feeling like yourself again, but it happens, slowly. You will get yourself back. To help, you could read through that lebeau started years ago, that gave us all a chance to revel in the changes we could make for ourselves, things we could afford to feel again, and lost tastes, smells, sounds or sights that had come back.
Thank you for the suggestion. There has been a NCO for domestic violence protection in place since last year. It is valid in every state. Unfortunately, it doesn't preclude his ability to bail out. He doesn't know where I live or even where to begin to look. We don't share mutual friends and I am not active (or even present) on social media. I didn't testify against him in the first case, so he really has no reason to think I'll testify against him in the second one. With the mountain of evidence in this second case, and the report of the incident within 24 hours, I don't think they much need me anyway to prosecute him. I know that he is planning to take this all the way to a jury trial, unless he's offered some great deal with no jail time or probation time. It is my fervent hope they give him time, but unfortunately with a guy like him, it will only fuel his hatred toward me putting him back in jail. After all, in the world according to Stupid, it's my fault I made HIM hit ME.
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Old 12-06-2017, 06:20 AM
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Even though I had to never put up with any of this (as far as any form of abuse) I feel for you. I really do.
As to your (original) question: it is never okay if there's hurt in any form or shape within a relationship. No matter if it's hitting, verbal or sexual abuse and whatever else is out there. No acceptable whatsoever.
I wish you all the best and that you'll find peace in your life and the abuser staying as far away from you as possible.
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Old 12-06-2017, 04:39 PM
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There's another reason yourself's advice about contacting a domestic violence shelter is great advice.

The reason is that they're going to tell you true things. Then when your thoughts are running loose your thoughts will find the memories of the true things. Right now your thoughts keep running into the abuser's lies.
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