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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

View Poll Results: Are you codependent?
YES 185 57.28%
NO 54 16.72%
YES IN THE PAST, BUT NOT NOW 84 26.01%
Voters: 323. You may not vote on this poll

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  #76  
Old 04-23-2008, 08:11 PM
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I have several people in my life with whom I am interdependant, but not "co-dependant" in any negative sense- Yes, I try to anticipate the needs of these people, yes, I am a caretaker but, to my mind, this is only problematic if one person's needs become subjucated to the needs of others... my husband has often said I'm not controlling enough- I speak my piece when the issue is of importance to me, but that's that and it drives him crazy sometimes that I don't try more often to influence his personal choices... and no, I don't use that as a game of "You should've known better." I leave the recriminations to his mom (She's terrific, but the woman has a gift for leading people to say "you told me so")
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  #77  
Old 04-28-2008, 07:37 PM
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I was diagnosed with bipolar and codependency in 2006. I take medication for bipolar. I got lost going to a CA meeting and never went back. However, today I really noticed my codependence. I heard that an ex was in prison. I took drastic measures to see how he was. All day long I thought about how when he got out I just wanted to take him away and take care of him forever. I didn't seem to even care about leaving my husband and kids. It is only when I saw this posting that I realized that it didn't even make sense. It's so crazy.... I always look for a project. It does break my heart that he is an addict, and I wish I could help him. Does anyone know of a meeting for copendency around Apex?
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  #78  
Old 04-28-2008, 07:46 PM
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I'm new so I'm not sure how this works. I thought I posted something but I guess not. When I was in the hospital I learned about codependence annonymous. Does anyone know of one around apex?
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  #79  
Old 05-07-2008, 08:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeBeau View Post
I have several people in my life with whom I am interdependant, but not "co-dependant" in any negative sense- Yes, I try to anticipate the needs of these people, yes, I am a caretaker but, to my mind, this is only problematic if one person's needs become subjucated to the needs of others... my husband has often said I'm not controlling enough- I speak my piece when the issue is of importance to me, but that's that and it drives him crazy sometimes that I don't try more often to influence his personal choices... and no, I don't use that as a game of "You should've known better." I leave the recriminations to his mom (She's terrific, but the woman has a gift for leading people to say "you told me so")
LeBeau, it's great to come across someone else on this forum who sees the difference between a caregiver and co-dependency. I spent a long time being a caregiver to my first husband, who was terminally ill. And with my second husband in prison, it is easy for me to step back into that role. There are many parallels. There is physical illness, in the form of a personality disorder, as well as addiction. But there's another kind of disability we have to deal with that the average caregiver doesn't-civic disability and lack of social acceptance. Because of this, it makes the issue of advocacy much more difficult, and also much more important.

That said, I have found in my own life, the lines between being a caregiver and a co dependent can be easily blurred and confused. When the caregiver does not take care of herself (himself) she becomes emotionally vulnerable, and it is easier to slip into a co-dependent frame of mind. Many of the symptoms listed by the OP can at times be exhibited by the caregiver, but it doesn't mean that person will automatically slip into a co dependent lifestyle. It usually just a sign that the caregiver needs to take a break for some downtime.

I'm probably speaking from my own bias, but I'd personally like to see more people on here taking a caregiver and advocate approach to their relationship with an inmate loved one, than the usual lovers/relationship, because the SO of an inmate has different challenges to face than the average couple, and it just might help couples survive, and SO's avoid the risks of co dependency.
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  #80  
Old 05-07-2008, 09:27 AM
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So I go threw a lot of therapy every week trying to find myself and my independence. Sometimes it's just easier to rely on another person to tell you what to do.
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  #81  
Old 05-08-2008, 10:56 AM
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Yeah! I'm co-dependent. Picked it up from my mother. After 20 years of marriage, my mother is FINALLY divorcing my alcoholic step-father. She's attending a new church, gained back lost weight from years of depression and stress and is making new friends. My mom has always bounced me around church-to-church growing up so honestly, I shy away from the whole church thing. Too may hypricates.

My BF's Grandparents blame me and his past ex's for the fact that he never grew to be an independent man when in actuality, THEY are the BIGGEST co-dependents I've ever met, the rudest most manipulative, controlling folks on the planet and they call themselves "Christians" (actually Luthuran). In fact, they are coming across the country from Illinois to Colorado to pick up Chico May 19th because he can't handle his probation independently with me here. That's the day I leave on a 2-day river trip so I can learn to heal and move on.

The last thing I'll ever take on in my life is another project that I can fall in love with. I'm sick of the alcoholics and addicts who blame others for their addictions who won't get to the root of their issues.
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  #82  
Old 05-26-2008, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by ChicosgrrlinCO View Post
Yeah! I'm co-dependent. Picked it up from my mother. After 20 years of marriage, my mother is FINALLY divorcing my alcoholic step-father. She's attending a new church, gained back lost weight from years of depression and stress and is making new friends. My mom has always bounced me around church-to-church growing up so honestly, I shy away from the whole church thing. Too may hypricates.

My BF's Grandparents blame me and his past ex's for the fact that he never grew to be an independent man when in actuality, THEY are the BIGGEST co-dependents I've ever met, the rudest most manipulative, controlling folks on the planet and they call themselves "Christians" (actually Luthuran). In fact, they are coming across the country from Illinois to Colorado to pick up Chico May 19th because he can't handle his probation independently with me here. That's the day I leave on a 2-day river trip so I can learn to heal and move on.

The last thing I'll ever take on in my life is another project that I can fall in love with. I'm sick of the alcoholics and addicts who blame others for their addictions who won't get to the root of their issues.

Wow you sound like me.......I have been a member for awhile now, but just recently came back. I am definitely co-dependent
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  #83  
Old 05-27-2008, 10:06 AM
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there is HUGE difference between a christian and a churchgoer....

You can go to church all your life and still not be a christian
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  #84  
Old 06-21-2008, 09:34 AM
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I was told through counseling in 1989 that I was bipolar and codependent. Thought I was better but I guess I've relasped.
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  #85  
Old 02-20-2009, 11:01 PM
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I was begining to, in a very bad way and honestly I would probably still be one and find myself in a very bad place. Now that I am pregnant and I have someone else's life to think about I have stopped. I want my baby to be healthy and happy
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  #86  
Old 04-07-2009, 09:07 PM
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I think I am codependent also. For the past 6 years i have tried to fix my fiance's alcohol and drug problems. I have lost and quit jobs over his issues.I never had any friends because there husbands might drink and cause my fiance to drink too. I couldn't trust him because he constantly stole from me so I just hid all the money all the time. It was awful. We were on the verge of breaking up when he was arrested. Now that he's been incarcerated for the past 18 months I have went back to school , made new friends, became involved in church, became involved in sports with my kids ,My stress level is finally down to normal. I am finally happy for once and not constantly in a state of panic about whats going to happen next.
I love my fiance and have been totally faithfull to him and will continue to be but I am really feeling anxiety about how things will be when he gets home again. He says things will be different but when I try to talk to him about how I want and expect of him he wants no part of listening to me. He just says I'm wrong for not just believing him. My problem is I have no reason to believe him. I know he's been clean for 18 months but thats because he is locked up not by choice. I am really scared about things going back to the way they were. I have finally found my independence and somewhat of a normal life with my kids and happiness I dont want to give that up for the crazy life we used to have together. I am just afraid that I have changed and he hasn't. I need to address these issues with him and I think he should respect me enough to listen and hear me and admit to how bad things were in the past and how I feel about it now. Not being heard is making me resentful towards him and I'm afraid I will end up sabotaging our relationship. Any advice you all can give me is appreciated.
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  #87  
Old 06-28-2009, 10:58 AM
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i am admitting i am co dependent and have been in three co dependent relationships where both of us were co dependent
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  #88  
Old 07-02-2009, 06:38 PM
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Default I guess I'm not sure..

Whenever you read criteria like this it's important to know that just because you have some of these issues/traits does not mean you have that mental illness and/or issue.. To me ..of course I have some of those traits..there's a lot of them, how could anyone not have at least a couple? People aren't perfect.... I don't find myself to be codependent, or in denial either.. I know that my boyfriend is where he is because he put himself there. Yes I want to be there for him, but by no means do I feel obligated to baby him or like it is my fault. He's a grown man who knows only he can help himself. Codependency can be a very hard obstacle for an addict. They learn to use you as a crutch, so when things fall apart.. So do they.
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  #89  
Old 09-26-2009, 01:06 PM
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Very nice for you to take the time to put the information hear. Just wanted to say thanks. I could relate to them as I am in a "helping" profession......nursing.....I used to be codependent in relationships but with some therapy and self help I was able to get beyond most of it.....I do say that I must be careful not to regress and I think of this at times....but I am a much happier person now...
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  #90  
Old 09-26-2009, 03:58 PM
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This is a topic that has always confused me. As a nurse, I am an enabler. I think that trait is essential for being a good nurse, and I feel like God took that trait and put it to good use. I do not enable people outside of work unless they happen to be ill and ask for my help.
People ask for my advise and do as they please! That is human nature and I simply wonder why they even ask!
During my volatile divorce, I was in counseling for domestic violence and was told that I was co-dependent. If I challenged ANY of the criteria, I was told that I was in denial so although I do not have the characteristics of a co-dependent person, I have been labeled as such!
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  #91  
Old 03-19-2010, 06:02 AM
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I am!
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  #92  
Old 03-23-2010, 04:34 PM
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I show a few signs. Mostly in low self worth but a few in obsessive.

I am getting better & learning more in both areas.

I agree. Everyone is going to have some of those...nobody is perfect. If you have more in one or the other that may be a problem.

But if you DO have this illness, you can still have a healthy relationship. You just have to learn how to control your emotions & build yourself up.

Nobody is perfect...we all have problems....we just have to accept them & deal with them for relationships to work.
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  #93  
Old 03-31-2010, 10:21 AM
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I am codependent! I have known for a long time but it wasnt until january when I myself was arrested for selling drugs with my husband that it became undeniable. First let me tell you that I worked for the county and had a great job with good benefits. When we were arrested it was all pinned on me in the media. It was never my idea and I never wanted to do it but at the time it felt like the only thing to do. See my husband was addicted to the drugs and i was so addicted to him that rather than leave and get away from him I stayed and tried to change him. It wasnt always bad and I thought that with enough love and taking care I could fix us...anyway he is going to prison for a while and i now have 3 felonies on my record and cant find a job. Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary and I cant even spend it with him.
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:21 PM
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Thank you very much for spelling out what Codependency involves. My ex b/f would say you cant leave me because you Codependent. Guess he was wrong lol
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Old 07-17-2010, 04:46 AM
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OKa...I know I have some of these traits as do many of us I have noticed patterns in my life but for the most part all though I am a care giver by nature...people who are needy takers drain me. I have no respect or tolerance for them and have repeatedly pushed them out of my life. No gray area ( including my addictive mother).

But somehow with my Husband, whom I have been with going on ten years now, I could never break away. His addiction flared going on three years ago now. I know I dont feel the same for him anymore...I feel this is my Psyhci Trying to survive something terrible unhealthy for me. Fire Run instinct . But something keeps me here.

With him its like I somehow turned in to a co-dependent nightmare I can't break away from, but only with this one person. Its ridiculous. Is this possible. I am a very strong Independent personality except when I am with him....how can that be.

And is there a way without simply going thru the motions...that I can break the cycle of reactions internally from me.

My problem our problem in our relationship...is not as much his issues I see them as his own.( I cant fix it for him he has to do it for himself...I have always known and believed that) But my reaction to his illness and constant issues. I am not a drama queen I avoid it all cost but he lives it one drama to the next...the sky is always falling.

And with his time away(2 years) is his time to become mentally healthy as is it mine. So we actually have a chance as do our children with us together. But how do I do this...

For the record I am 42 and a smart , attractive and independent woman. I give a crap what the rest of the world thinks...for the most part. But what he thinks can destroy me in seconds. How is that possible?

So any tips or hints for my path?

Thanks Tamie
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  #96  
Old 08-30-2010, 02:06 PM
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My answer is yes, even after several years of counseling years ago. It's still as big a fight for me as I imagine staying clean is for addicts. It actually is an addiction.

I appreciate the threads about codependency here on Prison Talk. Just reading through is a much needed reminder that at my core, I'll always be codependent but I don't have to live it.

I came here because of getting back in touch with an old friend who was released from prison several months ago for meth related charges. He is clean for now but has done no constructive work as far as I can tell through talking with him. He is clean because he is scared straight and rightly so; his next screw up with get him appx 15 years. I'm concerned that fear alone isn't enough to keep him clean and that he's turning away the chance for true happiness in life by being so emotionally closed. Talking with him breaks my heart and brings out all the "helping, nurturing" (sounds good but it's really feeding my needs) codependency stuff. On the healthy side, I'm grieving for where he is and the hurtful stuff that got him there and also the hurtful stuff that made me who I am. And even while grieving, I'm so thankful for counseling, the wisdom in this forum, the ability to make healthy choices, and my "Abba, Father" God who wants me to bring hurts to Him.

Last edited by Allye; 08-30-2010 at 02:11 PM..
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  #97  
Old 04-26-2011, 05:24 AM
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I would have to say that this list is very broad and that it would be easy to find things about yourself in this list in some situations. I would say that it is always a good idea to talk to someone if you feel that things are unmanageable. At the same time as a professional, I can recall everyone in my classes diagnosing themselves with something during our educational experience. The rule of thumb in diagnosing is that you have most of the qualities, all of the time. I say that to encourage people who are reading this not to panic and if you see yourself on this list and you are concerned, then check it out. There are fine lines to be drawn as well, being committed in your relationships asks you to stand by through the challenging stuff too, again making for a fine line of determining when it is too much.

I have had times where I was more codependent than others and I have also had times where I was not.

I thank you 1dayatatime for sharing as this is an excellent guidepost to help all of us to be mindful. Being aware is the first step in keeping ourselves healthy. And healthy is a day by day process, some days will be better than others.
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Old 08-15-2011, 03:16 AM
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Yes, I am. I'm reading "Women that Love Too Much" right now. It's a terrfic book about this issue.
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Old 08-26-2013, 09:58 AM
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This post is phenomenal and makes total sense.

Thank you for posting this priceless information!
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Old 02-27-2015, 08:16 AM
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Yes I am, very much so.....
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