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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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Old 06-09-2016, 06:56 PM
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Benjaminsbaby Benjaminsbaby is offline
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Originally Posted by Ryan1210 View Post
I get what you're saying. It's up to the addict to quit and no one or nothing will make her do it but her. It's just hard to accept that, though I know it too and live with it everyday.

I talked to her just a bit ago and I asked her what would be the first thing she wanted to do when she gets out and her answer... Heroin. She said it's all she thinks about, all she has dreamed about now for 3 weeks inside. I guess I should be disappointed she said nothing about me or us, but I'm not. I've seen her struggle so long now with addiction I expect it to come before me or us or even herself. But at least she is being honest with me and from the point we started out 7 months ago, that's a decent step.

We talked about her needing to want to stop and stay clean and she wants that too, but it doesn't stop her from wanting it and I understand that. My hope is with every day that passes where she isn't shooting up it will become easier to walk away from for her when she gets out in 8 months or so. Maybe it's just wishful thinking...

As for her and I and our relationship... I'm sure you read there is a 25 year gap in our ages from my "Intro" and to most that is just to much. I admit before Carlie, it was to much for me too. I never even thought of having a relationship with someone so young, ever. The thing is I can't explain it exactly, why I feel like I do for her that is. I'm not trying to be a hero it's just she makes me a better person. Before her I have drifted from one relationship to the next since I was divorced in '06. I raised my 2 daughters who BTW are 1 year older and 1 year younger than Carlie. Every relationship was always the same... she would try and change who I was, what I wanted or where I wanted to go in life and ultimately push me away with all of it.

Carlie... she loves who I am, she doesn't want to change me, she wants to be more like me. We love the same shows, same music even the same foods. We have more in common than any woman around my age I have ever dated. When she is sober, she just makes me feel so good and happy just to be next to her and I can tell she feels the same about me too. When she gets high... it's hard. She get's whinny, needy and says things that just make no sense.

It's like a perfect relationship hen she is sober without any effort, the effort only needs to be made when she is using. I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world inside and out, she is everything I've ever wanted to have next to me and she makes me a better person without trying to change me. How does one just walk away from that? How can I give up on her? I feel like my life would be more miserable without her in it as opposed to if she never quit heroin and I stayed with her if for nothing else but those days where I was enough for her without dope... You know?
May I suggest you go to a NA meeting by yourself while she is in, and keep going to understand the concept of what her drug of choice is doing to her and you? And possibly when she gets out this time and has a probation/parole officer get her into a drug addiction doctor, and I am not referring to Methadone, other meds that can basically erase the urge to use? I had my husband in a drug addiction program and he had a drug addiction doctor who prescribed medication to keep him from using. And he was in 12 weeks of hard core counseling. He did well with it, but he than choose to screw up again this time with Meth and not Heroin, he had been a Heroin addict for many years, and what I have read in the county I reside in, Heroin is now being cut with different types of other drugs that are causing overdose's if not death. You said she only thinks of Heroin, not you but wants to be like you, there is "hope" but that has to come from her. We all want our loved ones to change, but we can't change them they have to want to change to better themselves. Heroin is harder to kick then cigs. When she talks to you about wanting that high, ask her how she would feel about dying from a Od? Or what its doing to her body. The abscess's that form, and the scars it leaves in its path. Heroin addicts or any type of addict has to hit rock bottom or knocking on heaven's door before they realize they want to live rather then die. Don't feel bad about hard questions that she will have to own up too. She is young from what I read in your posts, and she has so much living to do, and Heroin is not one of them. Heroin doesn't care if it takes your life, it doesn't care of the damage to relationships it does either. Its like dancing with the devil. Ask her if she really wants to be with YOU, if she says NO you have your answer, and I am sorry for her if she chooses Heroin over a real relationship cause you sound like a nice guy who is trying, but you are on a hard road with the Devil and her addiction. Keep us posted. Blessings and best of luck to you.......
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Old 06-21-2016, 09:28 PM
katiejj katiejj is offline
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Originally Posted by Ryan1210 View Post
I truly thank you all for your concerns and advice. Up to this point it's just been me doing what I think is best without real knowledge of what exactly "best" is...

You're all right... I've enabled her, I see that now. I took her in when she was about to hit rock bottom, gave her a home and all the things she needed to survive which eventually culminated into a relationship. Now I sit here realizing maybe what I should have done is nothing to begin with and let her fall to rock bottom even if that meant never being in a relationship with her.

I guess at this point I'm a little selfish, I really honestly do love her so much and I see so much more than just an addict in her. But maybe whats best for her is to be without me? Maybe I need to put my own feelings aside for her and just let go?

So... I'm asking now for what you all know better than me. Would me walking away be what's best for her? I'm willing to do what is best for Carlie even if that means hurting her and myself in the process.

Before you answer there are a few things you should know about her.
First, she has no family that cares. Her father hasn't been a part of her life since she was about 10 or so and he has no interest in being a part of it now. Her mother... she is an alcoholic with no home of her own, works odd jobs until she is fired for her addiction and lives with any guy who will put her up for the night. So family isn't going to "step up".

Second, I'm all she has. She has no "real" friends, just dealers and other addicts who really don't care about her and only have interest in using her. Carlie is a very pretty girl and with her being an addict that's a bad thing... up until me, she got used allot by guys to get her next high. My biggest fear is she will go back down this road until prostitution for dope is all she knows. I mean just look at her, she's beautiful... (pic below)

No one else is going to help her or support her moving forward. I love her very much and she knows it but what's most important to me is getting her clean, even if I need to let her go.

Sometimes separation will really show you who you are and who she is. My boyfriend/inmate was my first love, my first everything. I knew I wanted to marry him at only 18. However, his addiction became the only thing he cared about and we didn't speak for about two years because you can't want their sobriety more than them. He had numerous stints in jail but that time was just used to plot ways to get high when he came home. After we stopped speaking, he landed himself 5 years in prison for B&E. We're together again now and his entire persona has changed. 9 months is not enough time to change behaviors that are so engrained into someone, especially when she doesn't want it. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go, and they will certainly come back if fate knows it to be true.
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Old 12-01-2016, 08:10 PM
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This is why Nar-anon and Al-anon exist.
The ONLY person we can save is ourself.
Addicts [drugs or alcohol] aren't done until they're DONE.
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Old 01-25-2017, 06:20 PM
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Default I hope you are having success, I'm losing hope

Originally Posted by Ryan1210 View Post
My girlfriend has been a heroin addict for the better part of 6 years (since she was 14, she is now 20). She has been to countless rehabs both court ordered and a few times by choice. She is currently serving 9 months in county lockup for probation violations.

In the 7 months since her and I have been a couple she has been to 3 rehabs and each story ends the same... she signs herself out after a week or 2 and goes right back to heroin. I honestly think or hope being in jail for 9 months might help her become sober afterwards... but I worry it wont.

We talk each night and she has been in 3 weeks now (the longest she has been sober in 3 years) and she keeps wanting to find "loop holes" to get out. Of course there are none. I fear to ask her the obvious... other than being in jail where I'm sure it's boring and lack of freedom I'm afraid she would answer she wants heroin rather than say she wants to be with me. It kills me that she is in there, I miss her so much. Im just afraid her biggest reason for wanting out isnt me, it's heroin.

I have tried so many things trying to get her clean and stay clean... rehabs, NA meetings, tried to get her involved in other hobbies/activities and it's exhausting and frustrating to me nothing ever works. She says she wants to quit, she just never does.

Am I wrong in thinking 9 months in jail will actually help her? I look at her and I see so much more than just an addict... I just wish I could get her to see what I see. Is there ever going to be any hope?
that my girl will really begin to fight her addiction. I have been with her for almost 2 years. She made me aware of her addiction the day we met. I should have run, but I saw a beautiful person inside and listened to her story, and she sounded so sincere in her desire to escape her addiction.

I thought we had her on Subs within 4 months time, she was able to hide her relapse for 8 months, but eventually broke down, and didn't make another effort until a warrant arrest landed her in a 45 day program.

She was getting high within 6 hours of her release and now she's incarcerated and I don't know if she is going to stay clean when she gets out or not. I don't know if she's my girl or if I'm just here because she has nobody else.

I don't want to walk away, but I don't want to wait around if she's not ready to try and build a life together free of that demon. I sure could use some help, or advice....
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Old 01-26-2017, 08:31 AM
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I feel for you GVX664
Hard to know what to do. I think you might think about attending a Nar A Non meeting. May help you to understand some of her issues with her addiction.
I think they all WANT to stop. But for whatever reason they find a reason to go back to it.

I think if I were you, I'd maybe not walk away so to say, but rather step aside.
Let her get herself together if she can. And let her be *out* and work her own program with staying sober. Maybe after some good long time of that, you guys may be ready to be a couple.

I wish you luck.
(seriously think about going to some of those meetings, Nar a Non)
I thought about why that frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.........
then it hit me.

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Old 01-26-2017, 07:56 PM
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GVX, nobody can give you that promise. Nobody, including her. She's proven that her addiction is stronger than her common sense already, so the words you hope to hear are useless. Addicts generally need 10 times or more of attempting to quit before it might take hold.

Your only answer would come after she's out and has been clean for a year or so.

Personally, having been through addicted loved ones many times in my life, I would not stay and just hope for the best. And I'd definitely go to the Nar-Anon!
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
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Old 01-27-2017, 07:57 AM
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From my heart, from having a loved one, sixteen years into a heroin addiction.....(now in recovery) I can tell you this. This disease is fatal if not treated. They need to treat it every day. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Mine? Well let me say her rock bottom had 4 basements. I attended alanon for years. We do not mean to but we all enable if we do not seek help. We, without meaning to can help love them right into their graves. We cannot talk, argue, reason, promise, or plan with the drugs. There is no such thing as "using a little" promises of tomorrow...never come. They MUST WALK THE WALK, not just talk the talk. I have witnessed lost custody of 2 beautiful children, A GAZILLION evictions, an overdose that left her blind, paralyzed strokes and on life support for six weeks. Although not well, she got her miracle, and went right back to using.....until a second overdose happened. An addict will not seek recovery on a good day....and a good day for them would be horrible for us. There has been prison sentences, car accidents, beatings...if you can think of it as the disease progressed and it does, so did the horrors! There had been rape. And my loved one (anonymity)? Surrounded by such a loving family. Addiction does not discriminate. It is foir the rich the poor, color matters not. Our surgeon general noiw classified it as a disease. Education is what we need. Please love the person, hate this disease. Sorry, this is so long. My heart is tied to anyone dealing with this. God Bless!

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Old 02-07-2017, 09:10 AM
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Ryan I feel like there's a lack of understanding and maybe getting educated on addiction and support for how you feel could assist you in making a decision. Alanon is a great place for families, loved ones, or friends that have someone they know addicted. They provide support.

Unfortunately what you learn is that some people's rock bottom is WAY worse than jail. I was a heroin addict for years. I was in and out of jail. I went to rehab multiple times. It wasn't until I was nearly 75 pounds and so sick and tired of living that lifestyle that I finally made the change. My 16 year old sister had become pregnant and I wanted to be a role model for her, someone I had never been. I wanted to help her and my family raise this beautiful baby that was about to come into the world. My nephew is now 12. He is my world. Someone has to want the change. It cannot be forced. There is research done about how even forcing someone can help promote change, but that's just not the case...somewhere along the line the person had to promote that change within. It has to come from her.

I provided this article on the difference between enabling and being supportive. There is a saying, "if an addict is mad at you you probably are not enabling their behavior"


It's quite unfortunate but at some point you will have to be the one to uphold the strict boundaries regardless of how much you love this person. You must also love and respect yourself and ask what you want for your future. If a person isn't willing to change or put the effort in to changing then the unfortunate circumstances will be two people falling down a hole instead of one.
“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.” ~William Blake
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