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  #51  
Old 09-11-2019, 08:04 AM
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Evening visits sound nice. What facility is she in?
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Old 09-11-2019, 08:26 AM
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Evening visits sound nice. What facility is she in?
Decatur Correctional Center
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:37 AM
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Glad it went well! Keep it light and build a relationship, don't worry about the small stuff. Maybe just good conversation and a good friendship then it all comes together.
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:44 AM
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Yes! It's a good thing when you get a compliment on them buns lol.

Good your visit went smooth!! All I can add is take it slow, and continue to get to know one another. Everything else will fall into place if it's meant to be or not.
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Old 09-11-2019, 02:58 PM
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I was a meth addict from 15-19 years old. I can guarantee this young lady at 21 is in no way able to know what she wants. This is a woman who just got sober, it’s a huge Dos service to her to try and make her commit at this point. $50 every two weeks is no where near a lot of money l, nor would it afford her an extravagant life style. Even less extravagant if she is using that for phone calls too. I wrote my mwi for 10 months before he got out we never met in person. For six months I sent him $200 a month We never committed to each other until he got out. I sent a human being that was down money because I could and I grew to care about him as a person. I didn’t send it as a deposit on a promise I expected him to deliver when he got out. It bothers me that you “almost” stopped sending her money because she wasn’t behaving the way you liked. This is a 21 year old (prob a lot less in age mentally and emotionally due to her drug use). A 21 year old that got sober in prison (which she has never been to before). You are a 31 year old MAN with som sobriety. Give her a break and back off you do sound creepy and believe me I don’t normally agree with most people on here. You need to call your sponsor on this subject and get some advice.
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  #56  
Old 09-11-2019, 04:52 PM
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Alright guys and gals! It's 4:30 am here. Just woke up after the night from our first visit. I'm still floating haha! The visit was better than I could have imagined. I even got a couple of kisses at the end! She had eaten skittles as well so her lips tasted fruity! Haha it was amazing.

When I got there the visitor parking lot was basically empty. I went in and started the sign in process. Had 2 forms of ID and had to fill out a paper saying that I was not a convicted felon, haven't been to prison and don't work at a prison. I put some money on a vending machine card that I can reuse and I still have money on it currently. There was a machine that you used to load money on the card.

When I had to sign a sign in sheet it asked for my license plate #. I didn't have it memorized so had to go back out and look at it and come back in. I arrived at 4pm like I wanted but didn't get to actually go in to see her until about 4:30. Not bad. Staff was very friendly! No rudeness at all. All throughout the visit.

I was amazed at how clean and modern the facility was. I had looked up pictures of visiting rooms on google and expected it to be run down and dirty. Not what I expected! Pleasantly surprised. No one was in the visiting room when I arrived. She wanted me to sit next to the vending machines so I did. They had tables to sit at. They had a lot of vending machines there. Coffee, Ice Cream, Soda, Snacks, Sandwiches, Salads etc. Just about everything you could imagine. I was surprised at that too. They may have had 8 vending machines or so all together. Along with microwave with condiments.

She came in and she wanted a hug and she sat down. Throughout the night she ate skittles, raisinets, and a big texas cinnamon bun. Also had a mountain dew and a cherry pepsi. I had about $22 for her to use on the card and still have around 15 left.

It used a little over a half a tank of gas to visit her as well.

We talked a lot. Other people sat next to us. The guard wasn't very far. I thought wow no privacy but I got more comfortable pretty quickly. I asked if she wanted to play any games. They had a lot of stuff to choose from. They have movies you can watch etc. I wanted checkers but couldn't find it. Thought about playing guess who lol but grabbed a deck of cards instead. Need to brush up on learning some games for next time. I couldn't remember how to play much so I showed her 21, 5/7 card draw and War. lol She didn't know any card games except spades which she learned inside. Next time we might play rummy or go fish.

I stayed there for 3 1/2 hours. I stayed until closing. There ended up being people on the other side of us as well. So we were sandwiched between other visitors. Wasn't too annoying though. Everyone wanted next to the vending machines. lol.

I did get a shakedown before I went in as well. Had to put my 2 forms of ID and car key into a locker before I entered. I could only go into the visiting room with locker key and vending machine card. They had me take off my shoes before the shakedown and they were inspected. I wore checkered vans slip ons and made it much easier. I had no jewelry, no belt or anything like that.

At the end of the night it was me and her and another inmate. The guard took the other inmate out first. I was at one end of the room waiting to be let out and the girl I saw as at the other end. We kind of looked back at each other and she said she wants a kiss. So we walked and met in the middle of the room. We kissed and she said she wanted to kiss again so we did a second time. Then we went back.

I stood at the door waiting to be let out. The guard was buzzing it. I wasn't sure that I was supposed to exit on my own so I took longer to leave than I should have. lol

This visit made me want to ease up on her a bit. I'm sure that I'm still going to be mentioning sobriety to her a lot and trying to push her in certain directions but maybe I can be more patient. She's going to be in there a while. After more and more visits, maybe she will trust me more. I'm not going to stop being me.

I'll go back in a couple of weeks for sure! Maybe sooner if I come up with the money, just depends never know. For sure I plan to visit her once every payday, which means twice a month.

Oh she also said had a nice ass. Is that a good thing? Lmao

I don't want to start more controversy really but I was thinking and... to those of you who think I am trying to control her or force her to do things for her sobriety...

Does that mean you disagree with interventions? Where people try to convince someone to go to rehab?
Idk it’s goood to hear the visit went well I suppose . I’d give it more time because she could be just playing the game really good to keep her funds coming now & when she’s released. Her behavior in person the way you described doesn’t match with the way she seemed lukewarm in the letters but it could go either way just keep your eyes open really listen to what she’s saying in the not exciting moments and everyday letters/calls .
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  #57  
Old 09-11-2019, 05:02 PM
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I was a meth addict from 15-19 years old. I can guarantee this young lady at 21 is in no way able to know what she wants. This is a woman who just got sober, it’s a huge Dos service to her to try and make her commit at this point. $50 every two weeks is no where near a lot of money l, nor would it afford her an extravagant life style. Even less extravagant if she is using that for phone calls too. I wrote my mwi for 10 months before he got out we never met in person. For six months I sent him $200 a month We never committed to each other until he got out. I sent a human being that was down money because I could and I grew to care about him as a person. I didn’t send it as a deposit on a promise I expected him to deliver when he got out. It bothers me that you “almost” stopped sending her money because she wasn’t behaving the way you liked. This is a 21 year old (prob a lot less in age mentally and emotionally due to her drug use). A 21 year old that got sober in prison (which she has never been to before). You are a 31 year old MAN with som sobriety. Give her a break and back off you do sound creepy and believe me I don’t normally agree with most people on here. You need to call your sponsor on this subject and get some advice.
Agreed it sounds too “pay for affection “ to me but could be just my objective view of it all and the other stories I’ve seen on here. He also needs to remember she’s currently in a controlled situation and prior to her getting arrested she never “had time or interest” talking to him. It just seems sad that someone who likely only has few options as we all know most people drop off when a person is incarcerated now is his bff or acting like it now they say “lying to kick it “ but on the flip side maybe she is slowly getting to know him and see where it goes. but gut instinct and having been her age once a 21 year old in normal
Circumstances isn’t going to be tied down by an older guy unless she’s benefiting from the guy financially so I can imagine an addicts view . He really needs to be careful here. She likely would say the same things to someone else that comes along to help her out while she’s down.
  #58  
Old 09-11-2019, 06:32 PM
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$50 every two weeks is no where near a lot of money l, nor would it afford her an extravagant life style.
What was the point of this? lol I sent her $250 one month. I've probably spent around over $700 on her in a little over a couple of months. Between money on commissary, books for her to read, all the stamps and stuff to send her letters which I write every day, postcards, greeting cards, and now gas to see her and money on vending machine card. Her grandma sends her money and I know at least one friend has sent her money once. I think she is doing very well. I know that she could be doing better but I do what I can without hurting myself.

Quote:
I didn’t send it as a deposit on a promise I expected him to deliver when he got out. It bothers me that you “almost” stopped sending her money because she wasn’t behaving the way you liked.
She didn't want to commit to me but wants me to commit to her. I said it a million times in this thread. I can't be treated unfairly. I only have so much money to spare and if she isn't interested then I may have to use my money towards finding someone that is. You can stop bashing me now.

I've done nothing but help this girl probably more than anyone in her life.

Somehow a lot of women on here want to make it seem like it's the greatest crime in humanity.

Thank God for people like me.

She's had nothing but a shit mom, a shit dad and people that use her or people that she uses. I want to help her and stand my ground. God forbid I would like a relationship with her.

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  #59  
Old 09-11-2019, 06:34 PM
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What was the point of this? lol I sent her $250 one month. I've probably spent around over $700 on her in a little over a couple of months. Between money on commissary, books for her to read, all the stamps and stuff to send her letters which I write every day, postcards, greeting cards, and now gas to see her and money on vending machine card. Her grandma sends her money and I know at least one friend has sent her money once. I think she is doing very well. I know that she could be doing better but I do what I can without hurting myself.
I think Kimmi was saying to the folks who feel the money aspect of this is problematic that $50 every two weeks isn't that great of an amount, so she may not be only interested in your money.
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Old 09-11-2019, 06:42 PM
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What I think you're getting back from readers is the feeling that you're kinda jumping in head first and we've just seen it too many times to not try to warn you.

For my $0.02? She's way too young for all of this. She's too young to be in prison (out of our control), she's too young to make any kind of commitment and she's too young be learning WHILE in prison, WHILE battling addiction, that men sometimes throw the world at you and you can choose to play that game or not.

Like it or not, she is not mature. 21 is a drop in life's bucket regardless of how hard it's been. Think back to yourself at 21. What did you have to offer a 30-something partner? And she does need to be able to contribute or she's just a dependent. That's the last thing she needs because you'll only be contributing to further stunting of her maturity. She needs to grow and change and she really doesn't need another form of confinement for the best shot at that.

If you care about her in a forever sort of way, let her get out, stay clean, celebrate her traveling or moving if that's what she needs to do. She'll appreciate your support and you'll know for sure that she's making a choice to involve you in the face of a whole world of options. Wouldn't that feel better?
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Old 09-11-2019, 06:43 PM
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I think Kimmi was saying to the folks who feel the money aspect of this is problematic that $50 every two weeks isn't that great of an amount, so she may not be only interested in your money.
Well it is and it isn't. It's simply what I can afford on a regular basis but I have gone above and beyond that. That's just the minimum. A lot of women probably don't get any money. It surely makes her life more easier in there. She tells me she fills her box with food.

I don't think the money is a big issue. I'm sure it makes her happy.

Quote:
What I think you're getting back from readers is the feeling that you're kinda jumping in head first and we've just seen it too many times to not try to warn you.

For my $0.02? She's way too young for all of this. She's too young to be in prison (out of our control), she's too young to make any kind of commitment and she's too young be learning WHILE in prison, WHILE battling addiction, that men sometimes throw the world at you and you can choose to play that game or not.

Like it or not, she is not mature. 21 is a drop in life's bucket regardless of how hard it's been. Think back to yourself at 21. What did you have to offer a 30-something partner? And she does need to be able to contribute or she's just a dependent. That's the last thing she needs because you'll only be contributing to further stunting of her maturity. She needs to grow and change and she really doesn't need another form of confinement for the best shot at that.

If you care about her in a forever sort of way, let her get out, stay clean, celebrate her traveling or moving if that's what she needs to do. She'll appreciate your support and you'll know for sure that she's making a choice to involve you in the face of a whole world of options. Wouldn't that feel better?
Well opinions are like assholes. The only opinion I care about is hers. Her brother just came over with a friend and played video games with me for a couple hours by the way. It was hella fun. All this "she's too young" stuff. Yeah right. I know tons of girls around here MARRIED with kids 18 and 19 years old. When I was 21 I was engaged. What does she have to offer me? Lots of things. Companionship, possibly kids, many different things. Shes making decisions regardless and if someone doesn't step in and try to help or steer her, she will more than likely be making bad ones. LOL funny that 21 is too young really. When is not too young? 40? that's called too late.

And everyone says I should wait with her. wait until shes out of prison, wait a year after prison, wait wait wait. wait until it's too late and let someone else jump on it. Don't think so. It's called you want it you go for it.

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kinda jumping in head first
Is there any other way to go about love?

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Old 09-11-2019, 06:55 PM
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I'll spell it out.


I put five figures into Dee. And no, not low five figures.


That includes bail, attorneys, money on the books, packages, and yes, on two occasions that I am aware of (and probably more than that that I'm not) my money went to cover drug debts to keep her from getting her ass whooped in there.


Would she have done better without the money? Probably not.


What did she learn from all that money?


That's easy. She learned that if she ever got into any kind of trouble, Eric would whip out the credit card and make it go away.


I'm not saying she would have figured it out if I didn't. Hell, she might be dead. I'm not really around right now save for if she calls or texts I give her some sympathy (and that's about it.) My wallet stays closed. My car stays parked. And her life.....gets progressively worse.


And that's okay. Because it's not my problem. Because I could throw another $25,000 or so (I lost track of the math but I'm sure I put that much into her if you combine every penny over 5 years. It might have been more.....) at the problem and it would do nothing for me and it wouldn't fix her.


I will always love Dee. If I knew for a fact that she was going to die of starvation if I didn't come buy her a hamburger, I might open my wallet a crack and get out of the driveway, buy that burger and ask her, face to face, "honey, are you tired yet?" And if the answer is "no" then I'd drop her back off wherever I picked her up from, give her the number for a homeless shelter, a couple of rehabs and a free clinic in the area in case she needs to see a doctor to get some medicine, and wish her luck. (There's more to it than what I say publicly.)


I know you're well-intentioned, man. I know you feel something for this girl and maybe she's feeling something for you. But when I speak from experience...I REALLY speak from experience. That's why I encourage you to use a world of caution and keep your head on your shoulders even if your heart's fluttering away.


All my love and all my money didn't save Dee. It might have kept her alive. And MAYBE ultimately keeping her alive will give her an opportunity to save herself that she wouldn't have had. At this point in my life, fewer things would bring me greater joy than to know Dee figured it out, that she found a way to overcome everything, that she got clean, that she got her head straight, that she got out of the game and rebuilt her life the RIGHT way. But it didn't bring "Happily Ever After." And in the long run, it would have killed me even if she lived.


That's why I also linked to NarAnon. Love her. Yes. Love her. And if it's good and she's doing well, then yeah, give her that support. Things have a way of working out the way they're meant to and maybe they break right for you and maybe they don't. But always, ALWAYS make sure you are taking care of you.


-Eric
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Old 09-11-2019, 06:59 PM
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Well it is and it isn't. It's simply what I can afford on a regular basis but I have gone above and beyond that. That's just the minimum. A lot of women probably don't get any money. It surely makes her life more easier in there. She tells me she fills her box with food.

I don't think the money is a big issue. I'm sure it makes her happy.

Well opinions are like assholes. The only opinion I care about is hers. Her brother just came over with a friend and played video games with me for a couple hours by the way. It was hella fun. All this "she's too young" stuff. Yeah right. I know tons of girls around here MARRIED with kids 18 and 19 years old. When I was 21 I was engaged. What does she have to offer me? Lots of things. Companionship, possibly kids, many different things. Shes making decisions regardless and if someone doesn't step in and try to help or steer her, she will more than likely be making bad ones. LOL funny that 21 is too young really. When is not too young? 40? that's called too late.

And everyone says I should wait with her. wait until shes out of prison, wait a year after prison, wait wait wait. wait until it's too late and let someone else jump on it. Don't think so. It's called you want it you go for it.

Ok. When you were 21 you were engaged. Did you get married? If so, how did it go?

Lots of people drink and drive or get really ugly tattoos. Doesn't mean that it's the best choice in the long run. So if that's your logic against the fact that bio-chemically she is not mature, it's a little weak.

If everyone is saying you should wait, maybe there's a reason. Here, at least, we have no dog in the fight. So wait, don't wait, no skin off our nose. We'll be here regardless.

Two things: if you're looking for companionship, get a dog. And please do not put your biological clock on her. You may be feeling like it's getting too late, but does she? 32 vs 21. Sounds hella fun.

-signed, a childless, happily married to a man I waited for, 41-year old woman. (we're not unicorns)
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:10 PM
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I just want to point out, too, kind of unrelated to the topic but I think relevant to what we're talking about....some parts of the country here in the U.S. (and of course different parts of the world too) have different standards and expectations and ways of life as far as love and marriage go.


What may seem odd to me living in Los Angeles (people committing young and staying together...here, it does happen, but it happens a lot less.....) may be perfectly normal somewhere else.


So, in the interest of facilitating a positive direction in this conversation...I'd just caution everyone to remember that how things work in one place as far as love, money, gender roles, etc.....may not be the case in another place.


Carry on!


-Your friendly moderator (LOL!)


P.S. My BA degree is in Sociology (UC Irvine, 2007) so I get technical about these kinds of things sometimes. #CollegeBoy
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:43 PM
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What was the point of this? lol I sent her $250 one month. I've probably spent around over $700 on her in a little over a couple of months. Between money on commissary, books for her to read, all the stamps and stuff to send her letters which I write every day, postcards, greeting cards, and now gas to see her and money on vending machine card. Her grandma sends her money and I know at least one friend has sent her money once. I think she is doing very well. I know that she could be doing better but I do what I can without hurting myself.



She didn't want to commit to me but wants me to commit to her. I said it a million times in this thread. I can't be treated unfairly. I only have so much money to spare and if she isn't interested then I may have to use my money towards finding someone that is. You can stop bashing me now.

I've done nothing but help this girl probably more than anyone in her life.

Somehow a lot of women on here want to make it seem like it's the greatest crime in humanity.

Thank God for people like me.

She's had nothing but a shit mom, a shit dad and people that use her or people that she uses. I want to help her and stand my ground. God forbid I would like a relationship with her.
The worrisome part about her commitment thing is it isn’t always that they are into you it’s that they want you for what they’re getting and have their cake too by not committing to you. I had an older cousin that had a female relative that hated any woman he brought around and didn’t want other relatives coming around him because it was competition for her. She didn’t want anyone impeding on her getting his house / pension ect . He had a woman he called a gf but it was only platonic on her end yet he was paying a chunk of her bills each month but during the holidays ect she was MIA because she wasn’t Into him that way . So to him he thought it was she was into him but really it was so no one else was getting his attention and later $ she was getting . She would tell him what he wanted to hear to keep him strung along or her $ coming each month . Just saying be careful because when some people get a vibe someone sweet on them they will stay on for the ride . Meaning whatever I gotta say to get by till I get out and can choose who I want to associate with. A guy on here recently told a similar story except he was about 20 years her senior and it turned out while she was taking his $ she was “prison married to another woman who she was seeing after her release while telling him to keep his distance not pick her up at jail,not visit her ect while she get herself together . It was a really sad post because she never even wanted him to call or bother her but had time for the woman she kept denying was her wife from jail. She kept giving him crumbs till he said he offered to come see her where she was staying and she straight told him she didn’t know what city she was exactly in. I couldn’t believe it but I guess he finally accepted what it was. Sorry for typos it’s hard to write things out at times .

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Old 09-11-2019, 08:56 PM
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You can't predict the present or the future. Anything from here on out can change for the good or for the bad. You can't think you know what she can offer you. When she has a lot she needs to offer to herself right now, before she can offer to you or anyone else (present/future).

I say this with 'care'...

When I was 21 I thought I had it ALL!! I tried to predict the present and the future with my ex. I wanted to have a big family home with him, get married, have a family, raise our children in a household with both mother and father (because I grew up having only one parent which was my mother), I wanted to travel as a family, and take our own little trips together. My head was so gassed up (yes I said gassed up) that my brain could've farted, and explode. I thought I could offer him so much (which I knew I could), and I had believed he could do the same. I was wrong and I had found just how wrong I was the entire time I was with him. He couldn't offer me nothing and I know people that was my age '21' had EVERYTHING I WANTED! I wanted what all of them had. I wanted to compare myself to their success and I couldn't do any of that, I was failing left and right. This boy which I wouldn't consider him a man had put me through so many hell's I wasn't going up, I was going down. I went to hell and back/kept going to hell and back. I was going into circles with him (I thought I could change him, support him to want to change, I thought he would change...I thought he was ready to change. I thought a lot of things...). I finally got tired and broke away from him, the relationship, and myself. I was in my mid 20's when I was able to get out of that hell I was in for so long. The lesson I had learned from the entire experience that I can't predict the present or the future. I had to learn what I could offer to myself first and foremost. Before I could offer anything to the next, and that took me years to get there and I'm in my mid 30's now. I'm in a relationship that makes me happy. Even though I still want the same things I've always wanted! And I would like to have all of that with my guy. But at the same time I take everything 1 movement at a time. I want to accomplish each thing 1 movement at a time. I don't want it all at once. I want to get there while I'm in the present, and continue to work on getting there into the future.

What I'm basically saying is this young woman has been through a lot for someone that's only 21. She hasn't really had the opportunity she deserves to grow and figure out life/herself. You gotta allow her to do that, even if it's with you being apart of it as something more or less. But you have to let her grow into her own woman. She has a lot of growing to do and a lot of things she needs to fix about herself before, she can offer anything to a man. You can't say she can offer you the things your asking as of right now. You really don't know that at all. She might can offer that down the line either with you or with someone else. But who's to really say as of right now or even bypass into the future. You'll never know that! It's okay to support her and give her the right tools of encouragement. Nothing is wrong with that at all. But you have to allow her to support herself and encourage herself to do better/want better. You can push all you want, but if she isn't pushing herself to get where she needs to be at. Your pushing is pretty much meaningless. Take things a day/step at a time with all of this. Take it as it goes! Because you don't know what your present holds or your future holds in regards with this young woman. She's only 21 let her live and grow into whatever real goals she has for herself. And I mean for herself first and foremost! Whatever goals she has for herself far as relationship wise that can happen when she's fully ready. She wants to figure it out and let her do that, she's only 21. Not every 21 year old going to be at the same levels as other 21 year old's you know. Everyone levels are different when it comes to life, situations, relationships/etc...etc. None of us are truly on the same level or page/pace (that's something that can be worked up to, but still it's things we'll still have to work on getting to the same level, the same page, and being on the same pace. It's a work in progress). She's vain right now...at some point in our lives we all we're vain at one point. She's vain right now this young woman has to want to get clean, she has to be sick and tired of the habit she created for herself. She has to go through the steps to get the help she needs, and only she can do this when she's ready. You can't make her ready for it, she has to be tired of living this life, she has to be tired of going in circles. She has to realize her mistakes, her faults, her issues that led her to her bad habits. When she's truly ready she'll push herself to get better, and you can be there to support her, to uplift her in baby steps. She wants you to commit to her only. But this young woman isn't ready to commit to you just yet! She has to commit to herself and things in her life first before she can commit to anything/anyone else. So take it easy. Don't put all your eggs into one basket just yet! Take it easy, go slow, and see how it goes with each day, week, month and even years. Right now you are in the unknown of things, let things fall into place on it's own. Even if it's meant to be or not! Allow it to fall into place on it's own.
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Old 09-12-2019, 03:05 AM
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Were any of you visiting a therapist at 21? Have any of you at all, at any point in your life regularly seen a therapist?

Also for the lady asking what happened with my engagement. I didn't get married. Mainly because of drugs and alcohol and how it effected our relationship. Something I want to help her stay off of and I have been off of for a long time. Also I didn't have much stability and relied too much on my exfiance's help. Now I am my own man and ready to take care of someone else.

Lots of people who waited until later in their lives to get married still got divorces. It means nothing. I think statistics show that actually the longer you wait to get married the less likely it is to succeed.

Someone said I don't know yet what she can offer me. I don't know she can offer me companionship? She is now already. And someone told me to get a dog. Really? lol I think people just don't want me to even try to be with her but that's too bad. I don't have a lot of high standards besides her not having a kid and not drinking or doing drugs. (Which in today's world is high standards). A lot of men aren't really picky and just want an attractive woman to be by their side. I don't even care if she works or not along with a lot of other things.

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Old 09-12-2019, 04:41 AM
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This visit made me want to ease up on her a bit. I'm sure that I'm still going to be mentioning sobriety to her a lot and trying to push her in certain directions but maybe I can be more patient. She's going to be in there a while. After more and more visits, maybe she will trust me more. I'm not going to stop being me.

I don't want to start more controversy really but I was thinking and... to those of you who think I am trying to control her or force her to do things for her sobriety...

Does that mean you disagree with interventions? Where people try to convince someone to go to rehab?
People, yourself included, do NOT respond well to being forced to do stuff they do not want to do. But you know this already. Why do you feel it is your "right" to "push her in certain directions?" That will accomplish building a nice pile of resentment for the both of you. If she is going to make changes to HER life, it will be her choice. Give her encouragement and emotional support, when she needs it, and offer your friendship through this time she is doing. Ultimately it is her choice of how she lives her life. If you persist in pushing your agenda upon her, you will most certainly snuff out any chance of having a future with her.

Just relax and let this develop on its own. If it is going to happen, it will. By trying to manipulate it or coerce it, it is doomed to fail.
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Old 09-12-2019, 04:57 AM
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Were any of you visiting a therapist at 21? Have any of you at all, at any point in your life regularly seen a therapist?

Also for the lady asking what happened with my engagement. I didn't get married. Mainly because of drugs and alcohol and how it effected our relationship. Something I want to help her stay off of and I have been off of for a long time. Also I didn't have much stability and relied too much on my exfiance's help. Now I am my own man and ready to take care of someone else.

Lots of people who waited until later in their lives to get married still got divorces. It means nothing. I think statistics show that actually the longer you wait to get married the less likely it is to succeed.

Someone said I don't know yet what she can offer me. I don't know she can offer me companionship? She is now already. And someone told me to get a dog. Really? lol I think people just don't want me to even try to be with her but that's too bad. I don't have a lot of high standards besides her not having a kid and not drinking or doing drugs. (Which in today's world is high standards). A lot of men aren't really picky and just want an attractive woman to be by their side. I don't even care if she works or not along with a lot of other things.
Seriously now, stop being your own "therapist" and most of all stop being a therapist to others. In the end you have not the "tools" to help anyone out, just be supportive of THEIR choices. Or do you have the proper education as in schooling to be a licensed therapist????
Read carefully what Eric (missingdee) writes, he's been through it big time and you can read it all here on this forum.
Plus... stop being the "know-it-all"... not because you've been through "it" makes it okay to push her or "coerce" her or whatever you want to call it.
You are not her master and with your attitude you might bring her closer to drugs again by pushing her to much into something she does not know yet if she wants it.
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  #70  
Old 09-12-2019, 05:55 AM
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This thread is becoming pointless. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm not changing anything. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Too many women are replying to this. I was really looking for opinions from men and for them to share their experiences. I thought this was wives/girlfriends meant that more men would be here. All you're making me do is question my motives, question her motives so that I can't trust myself and I can't trust her. I should support her, I shouldn't support her. It's just messing with my head more than anything. I'll stick to people who know her and know the situation, they seem to be supportive of me.
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Old 09-12-2019, 06:06 AM
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What do you think we have been doing here - especially Eric? We just pointed out the obvious and this is also support. You just don't like what you read.
Hey... I have nothing against you, I don't know you, so I can only go by what you write and it should mess with your head because 99% of the answers to your input - from everyone - are questioning your "method" not your heart.
We know there's no ill will on your side but most of us feel you are not on the right track with your expectations, etc...
Seriously, everyone wants everyone to be happy but also healthy. I wish that for you, too!
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Old 09-12-2019, 06:15 AM
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What do you think we have been doing here - especially Eric? We just pointed out the obvious and this is also support. You just don't like what you read.
Hey... I have nothing against you, I don't know you, so I can only go by what you write and it should mess with your head because 99% of the answers to your input - from everyone - are questioning your "method" not your heart.
We know there's no ill will on your side but most of us feel you are not on the right track with your expectations, etc...
Seriously, everyone wants everyone to be happy but also healthy. I wish that for you, too!
You never answered my question on whether or not you agree with interventions. Forcing someone to go to rehab or face jail or face being homeless, etc.
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Old 09-12-2019, 06:40 AM
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You never answered my question on whether or not you agree with interventions. Forcing someone to go to rehab or face jail or face being homeless, etc.
I'm sorry, of course I will answer that. I'm all for it if the situation calls for it, rock bottom has to be reached though and I see interventions as almost a last resort. You cannot force anyone but if the addiction affects everyone around you then you should think about it or maybe use the tactic of an intervention.
My personal opinion though and I have zero experience with drugs/addiction/etc.. So see this as a pure personal opinion to this topic.
She's still in prison, she needs to do something on her own to stay clean and start a sober life and lifestyle now and after prison. But only she can make that decision.
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Old 09-12-2019, 06:50 AM
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Thank God for people like me.
Nope, no savior complex or white-knight syndrome here. None at all.
Good lord.
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Old 09-12-2019, 07:04 AM
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She's still in prison, she needs to do something on her own to stay clean and start a sober life and lifestyle now and after prison. But only she can make that decision.
Right she will make her own decisions. That doesn't mean that I can't suggest things for her to do or offer my assistance. Most people probably don't consider therapy as an option and she doesn't have resources to pay for it unless she has insurance cover it or something, also might not have transportation because the town we live in is small and there is no therapy here. I'm giving her ideas and options. She will choose. I don't think moving away to a recovery home is the best idea but if that's what she wants and think is best then I'm all for it. I will still push staying close to her family and going to therapy above that though. In my opinion it's the better option. She doesn't know what is best for her totally because her judgment wont be great. She needs guidance. She was talking about going to bars early on. You think it's wrong of me to suggest to a meth addict to avoid bars? I should just support her in her decision to drink? Get your head on right! I'm suggesting THERAPY. How could that be a bad thing?! Crazy.

Quote:
Nope, no savior complex or white-knight syndrome here. None at all.
Good lord.
I Threw that out there for bait for someone like you to pick up on. I'm as humble as they come. But besides that, there are plenty of threads here with praising men for supporting their significant others except when it comes to me I guess. But I am helping her. I know that.
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