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Old 07-12-2019, 09:39 PM
PatTX PatTX is offline
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Default Son arrested: What to do w/his house, utilities, etc Deal w/other people?

My 44 year old stepson, who is months away from retirement after an almost 20 year military career, was arrested last night. We don't know specifics, but it was for solicitation of a minor and related charges.

His bail was initially quite low and we were able to post the required amount so he was released. Shortly after being released, he was re-arrested due to additional charges having been filed. This time, his bail is very high and we can't afford to pay it which, I assume, means he is going to have to stay in jail until his trial unless he can come up with the bail money?

His father and I are both completely stunned and horrified and disappointed and mortified and sick and cannot believe he did this to himself. It is a nightmare. He is going to lose his retirement pay and his life is basically going to be ruined because with as high of a bail and several charges, we are pretty sure he is going to go to prison for a while.

Which brings me to my questions. How did those of you with adult kids deal with the fallout and the particulars, like the adult child's house, household goods, utilities, etc. I assume we are going to have to obtain a power of attorney? How did you deal with other people like relatives, did you keep quiet or were you open about the arrest/prison? How did you deal with the anger toward them for their bad life decisions? Are you still able to maintain a relationship? Do you even want to, depending on what they've done?
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Old 07-13-2019, 03:10 AM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm sorry for what happened. The answers to your questions will evolve as he goes through the long process that all of you are facing, so try to be patient. The shock of the beginning is the hardest time.
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:59 AM
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Try not to think too far ahead. But for sure you all need to plan together. Speaking with an attny to figure out what his best *options* are.
Assuming the military will provide him an attny? The attny might be able to give you some ideas about whats best to do

(like with a power of attny etc)

We all go to worst case scenario but it may not come to that.
And YES to what fbopnomore said about patience.


As to family/friends.....I'd probably not say anything unless they ask.
That was EXTREMELY hard for me.
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Old 07-13-2019, 10:17 AM
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Hi and welcome. Our son was 28 when he was arrested. We paid for a private attorney as the charges were very serious.
1. POA - got that from attorney for both belongings and healthcare
2. His crime involved his vehicle which was impounded - I had stupidly co-signed so when the bank found out I had to pay the full amt within 48 hours. So paid it, it was then sold quickly at great loss -originally $15k truck, sold as is for $600 because it was totalled.
3. His clothes we kept though they no longer fit - he can go thru them when he gets out.

Since your stepson is active duty, he might have some more options for attorneys unless this is completely a civilian matter?

Yep, unfortunately his pension might be affected. Since he still has an ID card, I would contact him and ask him if he wants you to contact the base/post - otherwise he is liable to incur military charges for being AWOL.

Best wishes....
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Old 07-13-2019, 10:25 AM
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I do not know that the military is going to help him with legal. Nonetheless in addition to legal, there are military issues that I would advise looking into. With his permission - and likely need a POA.

It is possible, due to this, they could try to discharge him - dishonorable discharge. Try to head that off. That has long term negative ramifications when this is over. Losing pension, any future possible disability ratings, possibly any future VA medical help. Those could be bad losses.

Perhaps you can contact his CO or other people in the military or in his unit who are close to him. He is not convicted. Yet. If it is evident, after talking to attorney, he will be convicted, maybe can get him a clean discharge ahead of time. Or whatever ideas military friends might suggest. This may preserve valuable future benefits to him.

I'd recommend at least looking into that. Believe me, the military will find out real quick what is going on. Being proactive might help.
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Old 07-13-2019, 04:41 PM
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Thank you so much for all the kind replies, I really appreciate them!! His military supervisor, who happens to have a legal MOS (as does son), is the person who called us to advise us of this situation after he was arrested. Apparently son was too ashamed to call. This is a civilian matter so we were told the Army cannot provide a lawyer. I am pushing 60 and my husband is pushing 70 and we are hoping to retire within the next few years. The limited retirement savings we have are invested and we cannot spend them on a lawyer. And considering the amount of bail, it seems they have enough on him to prevent even the slickest lawyer from making a big difference. Bottom line, he screwed up big time and there is no way to avoid the consequences.

When we got to his house, everything had been searched and there was a list of items the police confiscated, including his laptops, ipad and other devices. Apparently they found enough evidence to be able to levy other charges against him, which is why his bail went from $2500 to $200,000.

Not sure if he can fight a dishonorable discharge given the circumstances, but we'll ask. His retirement he worked for for 20 years is more than likely gone. We also found out his pay will be suspended because he is unable to perform his duties. The house is going to be foreclosed on if he does not get paid, we cannot pay his expenses in addition to our own.

As it is, we have 4 cats of our own which is the absolute max we can afford to provide proper care for. But we had to drive to his house today to pick up his 4 cats and his lizard because they would have been turned over to animal control which is almost certain death for cats. One of them is diabetic so even more costly to care for. This is just an absolute nightmare all around.
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Old 07-13-2019, 04:50 PM
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I'm so sorry for your worry and increased work. My husband is retired military and I'm also a vet so know that a dishonorable discharge is difficult to overcome.

As to what to tell people, well that depends. Our son's crime made the papers and media. Since we have a very unusual last name it was quite embarrassing for both my husband and myself as well as our older son. I would not talk about it now if you can avoid it as you don't know how things will play out - if he goes to prison, again it really depends.

Our son has been incarcerated almost 6 years now and though it was front page news then, folks move on. Our immediate family knows of course but beyond that, we don't discuss it at work, church or in professional circles.

You will find some people ask questions just for curiosity's sake or nosiness. Those that are your "real" friends will stay supportive and many will just choose to ignore the situation.

Again, I'm sorry you are going thru this - its a road parents never want to travel down....but many do and survive.
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Old 07-13-2019, 06:48 PM
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Thank you Trauma. I am so sorry you had to deal with public embarrassment as well as private torment. I am glad things have improved for you in that regard. We are lucky in that our name is not that unusual and we are hours away from where this took place, so it will likely not be news in our area.

A dishonorable discharge is bad, but the worst thing is that he is going to lose his retirement pay and, from what I've read re. online solicitation convictions, he will have to be on a sex offender registry for the rest of his life. His life is basically over, he will be in his 50's when he is released if he is convicted and that is too old to start over again without resources. There is just no silver lining to this situation, not even a tiny one. He has completely ruined his life by doing whatever he did and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.
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Old 07-14-2019, 07:48 AM
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PatTX
I will say that my husband is also a convicted sex offender. He was in his late 40's and got out after 6 yrs.
He did manage to start over. I will say it is not easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination but it IS possible.
Yes the sex offender registry is the pits. But its actually the easiest thing in comparison to prison, and the supervision AFTER prison.
Im so sorry. Its def difficult.
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Old 07-14-2019, 07:52 AM
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also adding

You may want to check thru the laso forum
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=101
(be sure to scroll allllll the way down this page. It does not load properly so to see the whole thing so you have to scroll)
In particular try these two threads
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=518239
And this one
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=592193
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Old 07-14-2019, 10:51 AM
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Sidewalker, I am so sorry you are going through something similar, glad to read your husband was able to start over. That is quite an achievement based on what I've been reading happens to most once they are released from prison. Was he arrested for online solicitation of a minor as is the case with stepson?

Thanks so much for the links, I've started reading and so many things we didn't think about. We do need PoA re. his pets because I guess they are legally considered his possessions. There is no way we can save the house from foreclosure, so we'll likely sell his appliances and other household goods and put the money in the bank for when he gets out. Need PoA for that as well. This is just horrible and too much. I wonder how long it takes to get used to this and not want to just give up and run away.
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Old 07-14-2019, 01:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PatTX View Post
I wonder how long it takes to get used to this and not want to just give up and run away.
You are overwhelmed. Understand that "give up and run away" thinking. You don't see answers. Not saying there are any, but it is too early to know.

Each region is different but there are sometimes laws that provide some mitigation for veterans. Military are exposed to more stress than civilian population, higher levels of mental health disorders due to that. The percent of incarcerated veterans has declined for many years while they continue to discharge with problems. That is at least in part because of laws designed to take that into consideration.

You cannot afford a lawyer, he may not be able to afford one given the state of his assets that you describe and the fact his pay is now suspended. He may end up with court appointed PD. Many PD's are very, very good and may be willing to fight hard for him.

It is tough for you. No guarantees in this. Don't give up all hope.
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Old 07-14-2019, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PatTX View Post
Sidewalker, I am so sorry you are going through something similar, glad to read your husband was able to start over. That is quite an achievement based on what I've been reading happens to most once they are released from prison. Was he arrested for online solicitation of a minor as is the case with stepson?

Thanks so much for the links, I've started reading and so many things we didn't think about. We do need PoA re. his pets because I guess they are legally considered his possessions. There is no way we can save the house from foreclosure, so we'll likely sell his appliances and other household goods and put the money in the bank for when he gets out. Need PoA for that as well. This is just horrible and too much. I wonder how long it takes to get used to this and not want to just give up and run away.



My heart goes out to you. We were in a similar situation with our adult son. He was arrested & we live in another state. We did get a POA & used it to sell his house & do all other things for him like paying bills, etc. If you can, try to sell the house. It'll be better than a foreclosure. We got him to add us to his bank account so we could access that but the POA will work for that.

As for his pets, there are rescue groups that will help if you can't keep them. I am involved in animal rescue & there are some good ones in TX.
The 1st thing to do is make a list of everything that needs to be done & prioritize it.

Also, reach out to advocacy groups for help to get through this. Vicki Henry is the founder of Women Against Registry. https://ww1.womenagainstregistry.org/ Her adult son was in the military & got hit with a sex crime charge. She would be a good one for advice. Here is the contact info for them. 800-311-376 contact@womenagainstregistry.com
Another really good group is NARSOL. They have an affiliate in TX that could be good support too. Their site is http://texasvoices.org/ You can call them at 877-215-6688. Leave a message & they will call you.



Hang in there & ask for help from these groups. Prison Talk helped me through the really dark days & now my son & I are advocates for reform. The need is great but you can get through it.
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:53 AM
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It IS very difficult to deal with the sadness. Try to take it one day at a time, or even one hr.
And I know you wont believe it but it does get easier with time. The early stages are hard, especially when there are so many unknowns.
I'd say patience is the best thing you can learn to have AND a thick skin.


You may experience some of the........what did I do wrong? Why did he do this? How could he do this to us??etc.
Alot of times the answers is.....you did nothing wrong. You did your best.
And often there is no reason as to why, at least none that make any sense. Try not to go there.


My hubs offense was not online. Its complicated but it was for lewd/lacivious (sp) with a minor. No excuse for it. I dont and didnt condone this nor to I truly believe it went down like they claimed it did. Like I said, its complicated but its in the past now. Nothing I or he can do to change whats happened.
So we plug along.


See at least you have an advantage (?) in that this is your son. In my case it was my husband. I get the questions of......how could you stay with him, you must have known, etc.
You have the advantage in that your son will always be your son. You love him, and probably always will. You wont and dont love what he did to land himself in trouble, but you still love him.
We say often......love the sinner, hate the sin.


Hang in there mom. Go easy.
Read, read, and plan for what you might expect to happen. Take it slow.
And you are welcome to read as much as you can in the laso forums. Its a soft place to land.


You might also consider some counseling for yourself if you are having a difficult time dealing with all the added stress. Lean on your hubby. He's going thru the same process.
Feel free to private message me and I'll do my best to answer questions if you have something specific.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:06 PM
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Thank you so much, it is such a relief to be able to "talk" about this. So far, only my husband and I and a friend who is like family know about this, besides son's military chain of command. We know that since he hasn't posted on facebook for almost 4 days, people are going to start asking questions and, eventually, relatives will contact us to ask if he is okay.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gvalliant View Post
You are overwhelmed. Understand that "give up and run away" thinking. You don't see answers. Not saying there are any, but it is too early to know.

Each region is different but there are sometimes laws that provide some mitigation for veterans. Military are exposed to more stress than civilian population, higher levels of mental health disorders due to that. The percent of incarcerated veterans has declined for many years while they continue to discharge with problems. That is at least in part because of laws designed to take that into consideration.

You cannot afford a lawyer, he may not be able to afford one given the state of his assets that you describe and the fact his pay is now suspended. He may end up with court appointed PD. Many PD's are very, very good and may be willing to fight hard for him.

It is tough for you. No guarantees in this. Don't give up all hope.
Thank you so much. It seems TX has some of the toughest laws re. online solicitation of a minor. Also, and I can't believe I neglected to add this in the original post, son is gay and it seems male solicitation of a male minor is even more likely to face full consequences. I am glad to read many PD's are very good. Given the circumstances and the evidence they must have based on the bail amount, even if we could afford a high powered lawyer it would likely not do much good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GaReform View Post
My heart goes out to you. We were in a similar situation with our adult son. He was arrested & we live in another state. We did get a POA & used it to sell his house & do all other things for him like paying bills, etc. If you can, try to sell the house. It'll be better than a foreclosure. We got him to add us to his bank account so we could access that but the POA will work for that.

As for his pets, there are rescue groups that will help if you can't keep them. I am involved in animal rescue & there are some good ones in TX.
The 1st thing to do is make a list of everything that needs to be done & prioritize it.

Also, reach out to advocacy groups for help to get through this. Vicki Henry is the founder of Women Against Registry. Her adult son was in the military & got hit with a sex crime charge. She would be a good one for advice. Here is the contact info for them. 800-311-376
Another really good group is NARSOL. They have an affiliate in TX that could be good support too. Their site is You can call them at 877-215-6688. Leave a message & they will call you.

Hang in there & ask for help from these groups. Prison Talk helped me through the really dark days & now my son & I are advocates for reform. The need is great but you can get through it.
GAReform, I am sorry you are in a similar position, it is awful. We'll probably have to let his house foreclose, there isn't much in his bank accounts and the house would need a bit of fix-up to sell it. He bought via VA loan with just a 1% down-payment so it probably does not have much equity. But we need to wait until we have a PoA and can look at his entire financial situation before making a decision.

If you could recommend some good cat/animal rescues I'd be much obliged. The ones here in the San Antonio area are usually full and it seems adult cats are very difficult to place. All of our 4 are ones who showed up in bad condition and we ended up keeping them because it was impossible to find good homes. But it would be great if there was a way to find good homes for his kitties because it is chaos with 8 cats and we cannot dump them at animal control. We will probably have to keep the diabetic cat because I doubt anyone would want to adopt her. I did find a rescue for the lizard, but we are going to wait until we have PoA to place him as he is still son's property at this time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
It IS very difficult to deal with the sadness. Try to take it one day at a time, or even one hr.
And I know you wont believe it but it does get easier with time. The early stages are hard, especially when there are so many unknowns.
I'd say patience is the best thing you can learn to have AND a thick skin.

You may experience some of the........what did I do wrong? Why did he do this? How could he do this to us??etc.
Alot of times the answers is.....you did nothing wrong. You did your best.
And often there is no reason as to why, at least none that make any sense. Try not to go there.

My hubs offense was not online. Its complicated but it was for lewd/lacivious (sp) with a minor. No excuse for it. I dont and didnt condone this nor to I truly believe it went down like they claimed it did. Like I said, its complicated but its in the past now. Nothing I or he can do to change whats happened.
So we plug along.

See at least you have an advantage (?) in that this is your son. In my case it was my husband. I get the questions of......how could you stay with him, you must have known, etc.
You have the advantage in that your son will always be your son. You love him, and probably always will. You wont and dont love what he did to land himself in trouble, but you still love him.
We say often......love the sinner, hate the sin.

Hang in there mom. Go easy.
Read, read, and plan for what you might expect to happen. Take it slow.
And you are welcome to read as much as you can in the laso forums. Its a soft place to land.

You might also consider some counseling for yourself if you are having a difficult time dealing with all the added stress. Lean on your hubby. He's going thru the same process.
Feel free to private message me and I'll do my best to answer questions if you have something specific.
Sidewalker, I hope I did not come across as prying. I am sorry you had to go through that. No one else's business why anyone stays with a spouse after something like this, it would never occur to me to ask. There is always the "are we to blame", but when it comes right down to it, no one can blame anyone else for making bad personal decisions. Anyone over 18 is legally responsible for their own conduct and no one can make them do anything they don't want to do. So they are 100% responsible for their own behavior and trying to blame it on anyone else is ridiculous.

Update, he called a while ago but it was only a 2 minute call. Money has to be put into some sort of account to allow him to make calls. They provided a website but we haven't checked it yet. He cannot make bail and wants us to store his household goods and put the house on the market, but we verified that he has barely any equity and there is no money to fix it up. We checked online to get at least a ballpark figure and even an optimistic sales price profit would not cover the necessary fix-up costs nor the real estate commission and we sold as-is, the price would drop even more. We are too far away to do a sale by owner.

Did check into renting it, but that would barely cover the mortgage and property taxes and home owner's insurance and not leave much for upkeep. And, again because of the distance involved, we could only do this via a rental management co, and the fee would have to come out of the amount as well. So I really don't see any way to hold onto the house.

He is not thinking straight because the few hundred he does have in his account, he wants to spend on getting his car out of impound. His car is only worth maybe $1000 plus needs repairs and he will not be there to drive it for a long time, so he is just throwing good money after bad.

In the meantime, am scheduled for eye surgery next week and a second eye surgery next month. I called to check if I could reschedule, but if I do, I have to wait til next year to have it done and as my condition is affecting vision to where I am not even supposed to drive, we can't do that. I can't lift for a while after surgery, so we are going to have to drive to his house again next weekend to move out what we can move. This is just crazy.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:39 PM
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Thank you for the update, I know how difficult this must be for you. If he has little or no equity in his house, allowing foreclosure will be far easier for you, and the hit to his credit history probably won't matter anyway. The same thing for his car, unless he is somehow released, he will have much better uses for his money. Storing his important property is prudent since he may not return to normalcy until he is eventually released from prison.

The start is also the worst time for publicity and the attention of "friends" and family, so that will decrease over time. It is also a common way for finding out that some people are not, and never were friends. That's difficult, but you may eventually decide it was a good thing to find out.

Take care of your medical issues, and let the rest of this play out on its own. How long that takes, civilian and Military, is totally out of your hands anyway. It will be resolved at its own (probably slow) speed. Stay strong, and try not to let this overwhelm you.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:36 PM
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Thank you for the update, I know how difficult this must be for you. If he has little or no equity in his house, allowing foreclosure will be far easier for you, and the hit to his credit history probably won't matter anyway. The same thing for his car, unless he is somehow released, he will have much better uses for his money. Storing his important property is prudent since he may not return to normalcy until he is eventually released from prison.

The start is also the worst time for publicity and the attention of "friends" and family, so that will decrease over time. It is also a common way for finding out that some people are not, and never were friends. That's difficult, but you may eventually decide it was a good thing to find out.

Take care of your medical issues, and let the rest of this play out on its own. How long that takes, civilian and Military, is totally out of your hands anyway. It will be resolved at its own (probably slow) speed. Stay strong, and try not to let this overwhelm you.
Yes, foreclosure will be far easier. The car issue is out of our hands, he has provided his supervisor with a debit card and asked him to retrieve the car from the impound lot. So nothing we can do. It was impossible to reason during the phone call as the call was only 2 minutes long.

Since we are a long way away from his town, hopefully it won't make the papers here. And if it does, only a few people have met him when he visited us from time to time, they would likely not even recognize him. Husband's relatives are numerous but fairly far away, so they probably won't find out until we have to tell them. My relatives are in another country and less than a handful, so much easier to keep in the dark.
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Old 07-15-2019, 04:40 PM
gvalliant gvalliant is offline
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I look at your update and think "good job". A few posts back you lament nothing you can do about it. You are doing something about it, at least things you can control right now. That all makes a difference and I think how you are working these things is healthy for you.

5 Years ago I had a lot to deal with; lawyers, my son's debt, friends/family and yes the military. It just kept coming and I wondered how I would handle any of it, never mind all of it. I picked away at them at a pace I could. Answers I had no clue about, came in time.

Great posts already suggesting how to deal with friends and family. Many old friends still don't know. Over first few weeks I told people one by one. Our family in another country. His step sister who lives across the country. My boss in another state. One or two friends. That was that. Really tough calls. Some others found out in their own way; the internet is a bitch these days. Be prepared that may happen.

My boss was a great guy. I shared this a few years ago in a forum here and I think relevant now to your situation. He bought me a nice paperweight with an inscription carved in. I have it on my desk. It reads:

"Illegitimi Non Carborundum"

Mock-latin. Loosely translated means "Don't let the bastards grind you down". Adopted by WWII General "Vinegar" Joe Stillwell as his motto. When dealing with all that comes at times like this it helps me hang in and remember the strength it sometimes takes.
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Old 07-15-2019, 04:42 PM
GaReform GaReform is offline
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Have you tried contacting this rescue in San Antonio? SNIPSA (210) 237-9400 https://www.snipsa.org/ I would just tell them that your son is in the military & going to be away indefinitely. You can't care for the cats & need help. They may be able to help or suggest a group that can. Scroll down to the bottom of their site & see their mission. Our mission is fourfold: to Rescue, Rehabilitate, and Rehome adoptable animals from high kill shelters and the community,


Take care of yourself 1st. If you getlaid up then he has no one outside to help. Please reach out if you need support. There are groups that listen & don't judge. Most of my family has no idea that my son had this happen. My in laws do but they live in another state & aren't close to us. If people asked about him I would say he was doing ok. If they get really nosy just say you can't discuss it & if they think it's military related, so be it. I told some nosy people that my son was doing something for the state & I couldn't discuss it. It was partly true, he was serving the state. You will experience a sentence too of invisible bars so be strong.
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Old 07-15-2019, 05:37 PM
PatTX PatTX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gvalliant View Post
I look at your update and think "good job". A few posts back you lament nothing you can do about it. You are doing something about it, at least things you can control right now. That all makes a difference and I think how you are working these things is healthy for you.

5 Years ago I had a lot to deal with; lawyers, my son's debt, friends/family and yes the military. It just kept coming and I wondered how I would handle any of it, never mind all of it. I picked away at them at a pace I could. Answers I had no clue about, came in time.

Great posts already suggesting how to deal with friends and family. Many old friends still don't know. Over first few weeks I told people one by one. Our family in another country. His step sister who lives across the country. My boss in another state. One or two friends. That was that. Really tough calls. Some others found out in their own way; the internet is a bitch these days. Be prepared that may happen.

My boss was a great guy. I shared this a few years ago in a forum here and I think relevant now to your situation. He bought me a nice paperweight with an inscription carved in. I have it on my desk. It reads:

"Illegitimi Non Carborundum"

Mock-latin. Loosely translated means "Don't let the bastards grind you down". Adopted by WWII General "Vinegar" Joe Stillwell as his motto. When dealing with all that comes at times like this it helps me hang in and remember the strength it sometimes takes.
Thank you for that, I guess dealing with this bit by bit as you can is the only possible way to do it. I am sorry for what you had to go through. The slowness of the process and lack of concrete information re. dates and procedures makes it even more difficult.

I really hope his arrest does not make it down to this area and if it does, that we manage to not be associated because there are so many people with his name in TX. If it does happen, we'll have to tackle it then.

Husband is having a really hard time as well, he is a military retiree and he was so looking forward to son's retirement ceremony and proud of his 20 years. Plus the sense of security of knowing he would have retirement pay and other benefits and qualify for a good civil service job. And now all of that has gone up in smoke due to son's own misconduct and just outright stupidity. It's a hard pill to swallow.

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Originally Posted by GaReform View Post
Have you tried contacting this rescue in San Antonio? SNIPSA I would just tell them that your son is in the military & going to be away indefinitely. You can't care for the cats & need help. They may be able to help or suggest a group that can. Scroll down to the bottom of their site & see their mission. Our mission is fourfold: to Rescue, Rehabilitate, and Rehome adoptable animals from high kill shelters and the community,


Take care of yourself 1st. If you getlaid up then he has no one outside to help. Please reach out if you need support. There are groups that listen & don't judge. Most of my family has no idea that my son had this happen. My in laws do but they live in another state & aren't close to us. If people asked about him I would say he was doing ok. If they get really nosy just say you can't discuss it & if they think it's military related, so be it. I told some nosy people that my son was doing something for the state & I couldn't discuss it. It was partly true, he was serving the state. You will experience a sentence too of invisible bars so be strong.
Yes, I checked with SNIPSA and ADL and Pets Alive and the HS when we were trying to place our latest stray. They are so full, it is very sad. I will try again when things calm down a bit, if we get stuck with these guys we'll just have to deal. They were very traumatized when we got to the house Saturday, probably because the police were there and searched everything. They must have been so scared, poor kitties.

Ha, my husband told me a little while ago if someone we know who is aware of son getting ready to retire asks where he is working after retirement, we should just tell them he is working for the prison system. Sounds similar to what you told the nosy people.
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Old 07-15-2019, 05:52 PM
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Remember you don't "owe" anyone an explanation of your son's situation, unless you choose to give one. "I don't want to talk about it" or even "my lawyer has advised me not to discuss it" usually takes care of the matter.
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Old 07-15-2019, 09:59 PM
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PatTX, you have gone from being "lost" to taking a lot of positive steps and offering support to those who posted. Kudos to you.

SO charges are so difficult to deal with and society judges harshly. Whatever the crime and whatever the age, parents often get the fallout and are judged just as harshly. So, remember, you know you raised him properly. We all teach our children right from wrong and the adult choices of our children are their own, not a reflection of us - regardless of what others choose to think.

Most of all, don't let all this "doing" and "taking action" for his behalf result in you neglecting yourself. I was scheduled for surgery a week after my son was arrested on one arm and the other arm 2 weeks after the first. Our initial reaction is to set aside our own needs due to our worry over our children, but to do so is not in anyone's best interests. So take care of yourself first.
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Old 07-16-2019, 09:51 AM
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PatTX, you have gone from being "lost" to taking a lot of positive steps and offering support to those who posted. Kudos to you.

SO charges are so difficult to deal with and society judges harshly. Whatever the crime and whatever the age, parents often get the fallout and are judged just as harshly. So, remember, you know you raised him properly. We all teach our children right from wrong and the adult choices of our children are their own, not a reflection of us - regardless of what others choose to think.

Most of all, don't let all this "doing" and "taking action" for his behalf result in you neglecting yourself. I was scheduled for surgery a week after my son was arrested on one arm and the other arm 2 weeks after the first. Our initial reaction is to set aside our own needs due to our worry over our children, but to do so is not in anyone's best interests. So take care of yourself first.
Thank you for the kudos, much appreciated. Yes, sex crimes involving minors, even if there was no "real" minor involved (and I am in no way trying to excuse what he did, it was very wrong, period, and I still can't wrap my head around him doing this), are one of the worst things to be convicted of. In our area there have been several prominent men caught in police stings and convicted for online solicitation of a minor.

These were people with abundant financial resources to post bail and the best lawyers and plenty of appeals and they still ended up in prison for quite a few years. We had to stop by the grocery store on the way home from son's house and I was thinking I wonder if people would spit on us if they knew what situation son has gotten himself into. Not a great feeling at all. We were planning to move to another state within the next few years, I think we are going to stick to that plan.

I hope you are all healed up and your arms are fine now. I so much agree about putting oneself last, it is definitely tempting to just go full steam ahead and try to "fix" things by only focusing on his situation, but the fact is, it can't be fixed, ever, no matter what we do. So we do realize we have to take care of ourselves first. It is hard to eat but I am trying to continue to feed us a healthy diet and we walk 4 miles every day, have only missed one day so far. And the surgeries will proceed for sure, as will other medical appointments.
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Old 08-15-2019, 05:06 PM
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Thank you so much for all the kind replies, I really appreciate them!! His military supervisor, who happens to have a legal MOS (as does son), is the person who called us to advise us of this situation after he was arrested. Apparently son was too ashamed to call. This is a civilian matter so we were told the Army cannot provide a lawyer. I am pushing 60 and my husband is pushing 70 and we are hoping to retire within the next few years. The limited retirement savings we have are invested and we cannot spend them on a lawyer. And considering the amount of bail, it seems they have enough on him to prevent even the slickest lawyer from making a big difference. Bottom line, he screwed up big time and there is no way to avoid the consequences.

When we got to his house, everything had been searched and there was a list of items the police confiscated, including his laptops, ipad and other devices. Apparently they found enough evidence to be able to levy other charges against him, which is why his bail went from $2500 to $200,000.

Not sure if he can fight a dishonorable discharge given the circumstances, but we'll ask. His retirement he worked for for 20 years is more than likely gone. We also found out his pay will be suspended because he is unable to perform his duties. The house is going to be foreclosed on if he does not get paid, we cannot pay his expenses in addition to our own.

As it is, we have 4 cats of our own which is the absolute max we can afford to provide proper care for. But we had to drive to his house today to pick up his 4 cats and his lizard because they would have been turned over to animal control which is almost certain death for cats. One of them is diabetic so even more costly to care for. This is just an absolute nightmare all around.
I am so sorry for everything that is happening to you. Don't blame yourself for what has happened and deal with it as best as you can, do not, put your financial security in Jeopardy. Your son did something wrong, Like mine and unfortunately, Parents are often left to pick up the pieces
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Old 08-16-2019, 10:01 AM
Kimimi Kimimi is offline
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Take care of your health and your retirement. Support him however you can but ultimately he made the decisions acted on them and he will have to face the charges. At 60 and 70 years old you should not upset your lives over him acting out on his impulses he knew were illegal. He will be appointed a lawyer if he can’t afford one. It sounds harsh but honestly if my boyfriend decides to go steal cars, burglarize people and beat people up he knows he will go back to prison. I’m not saying I wouldn’t help him with money in prison but I sure wouldn’t be paying for an attorney. I am sorry you and your husband are in the middle of it all some counseling would probably help. What others said is also true over time people will forget or at least won’t be talking about it as much.
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