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Old 04-14-2016, 01:06 AM
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Default Is it possible to Trust people again after DV

I don't know if this topic already exists. Is it possible to trust people again after DV? Not just current boyfriend but people in general.
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Old 04-14-2016, 02:08 AM
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Hi there I have amended your title to make your thread easier to search I am sure you get some helpful responses.
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Old 04-14-2016, 05:32 AM
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I think the question is more about being able to trust yourself. Once you've been through DV, you start to lose your ability to trust your 'picker', when you know you've made some serious mistakes in the past, once your self-confidence is stripped by the DV, you have that question always in your head - is this another mistake?

That's why I did a batch of counseling, why I needed a therapist to help me through the thicket of my past. I got explanations and understanding of why I chose who I did and some skills to make better, more subtle choices.
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Old 04-14-2016, 06:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by natjam View Post
I don't know if this topic already exists. Is it possible to trust people again after DV? Not just current boyfriend but people in general.
So much happens when DV is prevalent in a relationship, and I believe that whether you are currently in a DV situation or have been, once trust is broken, it can never be fully regained. This means that when someone has broken trust in the relationship DV or not, they will always be questioned on their actions.
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Old 04-14-2016, 02:09 PM
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I agree with both of these ladies. Counseling at a DV program is free. If you don't, you will inadvertently sabotage a good relationship and destroy it.

Michele
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Old 04-14-2016, 03:31 PM
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I can't speak for everyone but for myself, even with lots of counseling for which I have paid a lot of money - trust has never returned. I do not trust myself, I do not trust other people. I wish I could but I do not. It's been years now and it hasn't gotten any better. I can forgive myself for not leaving sooner, etc but I do not trust myself to be a good judge of who is or is not trustworthy. I know that others are able to get to that point and that is wonderful. For me, that's just not something that seems likely. (I have never found free counselor by the way...if I could find one I'd make sure my children saw the counselor a lot more frequently and I'd probably resume visits.)
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Old 04-14-2016, 03:51 PM
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Domestic violence has such a wide spectrum that there is no single answer that covers it all.

If you have been damaged due to DV then it may contaminate any future relationship, even if there is no DV from the new partner. This would be an issue that you would need to get counseling for and work on, both by yourself and with a new partner. The first step would be to evaluate your choices and take steps to protect yourself in the future. There are men out there that will treat you with respect and love you the way you should be loved. You don't need to settle for abuse.

If you are attempting to work through a minor case of DV and stay with the current partner then there are other factors that would need to be considered. The first is if your current partner can / will change. Some people can see the errors of their way and change. Perhaps anger management therapy, one on one counseling, or the removal of some outside stimulus that is creating issues. Other people are not likely to change in which case you need to leave the relationship.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you get the help you need.

R. Mc.
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Old 04-14-2016, 11:11 PM
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Thanks for all the comments. I left and divorced the DV abuser last year and he is back in prison. I have yet to do counseling, my work schedule is pretty tough since I work nights. I am in a new relationship and he is very supportive of me and knows what I am going through in some ways because he is a Vietnam war era vet. Massive amounts of trauma. Its so difficult to trust him or anyone else.... I think that since my X was such a lying manipulator that I have significant issues with anything someone says. I did not listen to my gut and now I am trying to get back in touch with my gut, intuition. I question everything. I want to be open with my new boyfriend 100%. To love him as though I have never been hurt. Its a goal.
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Old 04-15-2016, 07:07 AM
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I think each person is going to vary uniquely on this. It has taken me years to work through some of the things I have and I still don't trust people. I don't take that as a bad thing. I proceed with caution because of my past and take the time to notice redflags in an individuals behavior. I don't ever feel like I can fully relinquish trust over to anyone. There are def. friends and family that I trust but for someone I just meet to designate a large amount of trust would be unheard of. That's just me. I think first you need to look at the question of in what way would you like to trust others and then find someone you trust in counseling or therapy to work towards that goal. I hope that helps.
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Old 04-16-2016, 09:56 AM
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I have waited to respond here because it seems to be such a general question and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say about it.

I think there are different levels of trust to be appropriately applied to varying individuals, simply as a matter of looking out for and taking care of oneself in life. Although I'm not a great fan of his, one of my favorite quotes is Ronald Reagan's "Trust, but verify" and it sums up many of my feelings on the matter.

I wouldn't trust a stranger that I just met like I would trust someone in my family, and I trust different members of my family to varying degrees as well, based on my past interactions with them and how I have seen them interact with each other. I think most people in general are well-intentioned and I base my initial interactions with them with that thought in mind, until I observe something or get some clue that I should feel differently about them.

I also try to learn from the experience of others, too. For example, I know two completely unrelated families who were both robbed while sleeping in their homes. The one thing they did have in common was that both families went to sleep with their doors unlocked. I never have left my doors unlocked even if I was inside awake, and knowing what happened to them, it reminds me not to ever get into that habit.

My feelings about trust are based on common sense cautiousness combined with my life experience. There were some people in my life for many years that I thought I knew quite well who really surprised me, because decades after I met them I observed them do some crazy shit over a large amount of inheritance money.

I think it's a balancing act to get it right. Things have to be measured appropriately. Don't blindly fully trust anyone and everyone willy-nilly. If you do, you're asking to be taken advantage of. But also don't allow yourself to become a paranoid person who suspects the worst in everyone. If you do, you'll miss out on rewarding interactions with other people, and that's no kind of way to live a happy life.

The abusive relationship I experienced wasn't as severe as what others have gone through. But, it was very long-lasting, decades. I might not be able to have the outlook I do if the severity was a lot worse, I don't know. Fortunate for me that my next relationship wasn't abusive. But, even with him I learned that I had to set boundaries. I can honestly say that I do still trust him even though we are no longer a couple, but I'm not about to put myself in a position of great vulnerability, with him or anyone else. That's just sensible self-preservation to me, not paranoia.
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  #11  
Old 08-09-2016, 08:47 PM
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Eight months removed from my DV situation and I can honestly say that I haven't been able to trust anyone fully, including someone I am very close to and always have been. My trigger points are very low right now and probably will remain low even when I feel safe in a situation. I find I am much more easily startled and quicker to jump to conclusions before having all the facts. I also find myself more likely to blow someone off even if they try to do something nice for me. I always think there is an ulterior motive. I will never be the same person I was before my ex. In some ways it's good because I am way more cautious, but sometimes it gets me into analysis paralysis in situations. I am definitely more standoffish.

Long story short, I think (for me anyway) I will have an amended version of trust. The person I'm with now has known me before this happened and after and sees a huge difference. I am just fortunate with him that he is the calm to my storm. I have random flashbacks and moments where certain songs will trigger memories that I'd sooner forget. I know in time these things will dull to a point. In the end though, I will never be the same. I will know I'm making progress when the sight of his hand at my face to hold it doesn't make me flinch or the feel of his arm around me at night doesn't make me cry out of fear he's going to crush my sternum. Sadly these are all things I fear still.
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Old 08-21-2016, 04:06 PM
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Well just to add to the mix, I'm the idiot who never fails to trust every time. Fortunately in my personal life I am lucky and have a super wife but that could have gone just as horribly if she had been so inclined.

I've been burned by my ex, colleagues, bosses, "friends". Each time Ive thought I have the measure of the situation and each time I look back with the help of my wife and see that I have fallen into the same trap again.

I've gained that I can see it with hindsight but I never seem to learn to see it as it happens to me. Maybe it's the aspergic traits, but I just take people as they present themselves to me and never think there is any agenda. It means I don't trust myself at all, and yet still I trust others.
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