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The Nimuay Domestic Violence Support Forum News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

View Poll Results: Do you remember the first time you were hit...or the violence began?
Yes, I remember it well 132 88.00%
No, I am not really sure 18 12.00%
Voters: 150. You may not vote on this poll

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  #51  
Old 12-08-2009, 05:02 AM
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my 1st husband, yeah I remember...we were newlyweds, just days after being married and we were playing in the bathroom spraying stuff on each other, joking around, he sprayed me with deodorant, I sprayed him with air freshener and so on. But then I got a hold of the shaving cream and I sprayed that on him and he slapped me so hard I thought he knocked my teeth out of my head. I was in shock because we weren't fighting, we were playing.

The second time happened a month later, I had a disagreement with his brother. He took his brother's side and he threw me on the floor and wrapped the telephone cord around my neck and was choking me until the brother pulled him off me.

I packed up my car two days later and fled while he was at work, filed for divorce and never looked back. I was 25 then and never got involved with anyone who hit me again.
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  #52  
Old 01-01-2010, 02:38 PM
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He hit me and choked me a little, but it was when he threaten my life is when I had to leave him, although he said if I left him he would burn down my house, so I had to do something



I called his parole to come pick him up, but I thought he had a warrant for his arrest,
and I did not want him to get hurt running from the police

but the main reason I called his parole is because he told me
"I ought to cut you up and put you in this tub". FOR NO REASON!
then he took me in the car and brought a knife to cut his apple, I went to the store and asked him to go in and buy something to drink, and when he went in I put the knife in the rack on top of the car, and I took him to the hospital and they refused to see him after waiting 5 hours, and so we went out to the car and he was looking all over the car where he laid the knife.

but I called the parole, now I wished I would have just left him, I will never do it again, we have not gotten back together, I have not seen him since, but I want to see him, he loved me more than anyone at one time,

but it is for the best that I don't see him because he threatened my life, and that's not right, that is not love,,,,
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  #53  
Old 04-02-2010, 11:06 PM
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He came home after midnight absolutely drunk. I was already sleeping at that time. He tried sleeping with me, but I didn't want to and was pushing him to get off of me. Long story short, he punched me in the stomach, I stopped resisting, and had sex with me while I was crying. At that time, I figured he just got carried away and didn't know what he was doing. He's my boyfriend, and I shouldn't have made such a big fuss about sleeping with him when he wants to. If I had only known then that I was just allowing him form what would eventually be a very very bad habit.
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  #54  
Old 04-03-2010, 12:07 AM
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The first time was when he had been up for like 5 days & thought i was lying to him & then kept me hostage for 3 days. The last time he was drunk & i was 9 weeks pregnant. Soon after he went to prison. When he came home he never touched me again. He felt so bad & he said it shouldnt have happened & drugs & booze is never a reason to hit your love. Im here to say some can change.
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  #55  
Old 06-10-2010, 05:26 PM
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Default the abuse I am posting is about my first husband, the man I have now is not abusive

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Originally Posted by cyrsu View Post
he claimed I disrespected him in front of my mom, and I didn't, and when we had got a few houses away from my mom's he slapped me, and I thought to myself, I am getting rid of him, which I did a couple of weeks later, I moved out of town cus he vandilized my car, and had told his new girlfriend that he was going to have me killed after the baby was born so he could get custody of my baby, so I moved away in march and by Sept he was in jail for murder.
so that slap was the first and last time he abused me, now he is dead, his new wife shot him,

the man I have now is not abusive
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  #56  
Old 06-10-2010, 05:29 PM
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Default I love him still, but have moved on and live alone..

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Originally Posted by cyrsu View Post
He hit me and choked me a little, but it was when he threaten my life is when I had to leave him, although he said if I left him he would burn down my house, so I had to do something



I called his parole to come pick him up, but I thought he had a warrant for his arrest,
and I did not want him to get hurt running from the police

but the main reason I called his parole is because he told me
"I ought to cut you up and put you in this tub". FOR NO REASON!
then he took me in the car and brought a knife to cut his apple, I went to the store and asked him to go in and buy something to drink, and when he went in I put the knife in the rack on top of the car, and I took him to the hospital and they refused to see him after waiting 5 hours, and so we went out to the car and he was looking all over the car where he laid the knife.

but I called the parole, now I wished I would have just left him, I will never do it again, we have not gotten back together, I have not seen him since, but I want to see him, he loved me more than anyone at one time,

but it is for the best that I don't see him because he threatened my life, and that's not right, that is not love,,,,

I love him still, but have moved on and live alone.
.thank God!
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  #57  
Old 06-16-2010, 07:00 PM
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My abuser was my husband, but it all started before we were married. 3 months into the relationship, is when it all started. As over time it got worse, and more on a daily basis. It changed me forever, I never thought I could get away from him. But I reached my enough, when I learned he was planning on killing me for insurance money. He forced me to marry him, and if I did not he threatened to harm my children, that were not biologically not his. Some days I wished he would just get it over with, and kill me. I just one day disappeared, and he could not find me, within those days, I filed police reports and had all the proof for an arrest warrant. To avoid an arrest he put himself in the mental health unit of the hospital, so he did not have to appear in court or be arrest. On the day he was released, he threatened to find me and plunge a knife in my chest and kill me, and said it would be worth 25 years to life. Thank God I had a witness who heard the call, and I was able to have him arrested for a possible death threat. He was put in county jail for 8 months, and in Willard Correctional for 4 months. Needless to say, this man jumped parole and was on the run for 4 months and was caught on June 15, 2010. I had to relocate to another state for my own safety, and while he was on the run. While he was sitting in county jail, I was informed that the person I married was a monster. He had a long history of abusing women, and I was the only one who actually done something about it. My husband was/has been arrested 59 times and convicted 20 times, the local police sat with me for hours, and told me about someone I thought I knew. I did not know this person at all, and what scared me the most was I could of been killed at anytime. After I left, I walked back into the house that we lived in, and I found in a hall closet, rope and a knife. On my coffee table were letters to me, begging me to come home. I keep thinking that if I did go home....what would of happened????
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  #58  
Old 07-06-2010, 06:04 PM
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I'm trying to remember the first time and for the life of me I can't. There have been so many times that things have happened that I really don't remember the first time. We used to "play fight" before his father died and the abuse started, but I don't remember when the first time really was.
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  #59  
Old 09-06-2010, 02:06 PM
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We were in a hotel room my 3 year old was on a seperate bed.. my bf used to do alot of bad things.. and i was asking about them.. he told me sum really disturbing things and i could tell it hurt him to talk about it.. he said he doesnt like thinking about it because it hurts him.. i mean im talking life sentence kind of things.. I think it triggered something in him, b/c I woke up in the middle of the night to him choking me, I was so scared because I never thought he would do that.. he always talked bad about men who hurt women.. from there he started hitting me... hes locked up now for 3 years.. But im waiting for him.. I know what kind of man he can be.. and hes on medication now and I can tell a big difference... I still love him and im waiting patiently for the day I get to hold him again!
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  #60  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:39 PM
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Hon, I know you think that meds and love can change him but you're wrong.
He's done terrible things before, to other people and he tried to take your life- what exactly do you imagine would happen to your child if you had died in that hotel room?
There may be some very good qualities about him but those demons are also a part of the kind of man he IS. The man he IS put his hands on your throat *while your toddler was in the very same room* and hit you and has stopped doing you physical injury only because he got arrested.
Being a good mom means keeping dangerous people away from your child and this man has proven himself to be dangerous.
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  #61  
Old 09-21-2010, 08:21 AM
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sadly my first incident with him was when i was pregnat we went to the ultrasound and found out it was a boy and he wanted a girl so therefore i got beat for being pregnat with our first child a beautiful son!
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  #62  
Old 10-16-2010, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sugga View Post
He came home after midnight absolutely drunk. I was already sleeping at that time. He tried sleeping with me, but I didn't want to and was pushing him to get off of me. Long story short, he punched me in the stomach, I stopped resisting, and had sex with me while I was crying. At that time, I figured he just got carried away and didn't know what he was doing. He's my boyfriend, and I shouldn't have made such a big fuss about sleeping with him when he wants to. If I had only known then that I was just allowing him form what would eventually be a very very bad habit.
Oh, I've played out this scene before.
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  #63  
Old 10-18-2010, 09:50 PM
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He strangled me, threw me out of the car and dumped me 10 miles out of town so I could walk home. At least he was nice enough to call my Dad and tell him what he did, but by then someone had already come along the road and saw the condition I was in and called an ambulance. The ambulance got there before my Dad did and I was stupid enough to take him back once he got out of jail. I took him back time and time again, but am now done with him. Thank God, I wised up and dumped him. He is serving time once again and I don't know why, but he always will cuz he is an abuser who will never change and he doesn't want to cuz nothing is his fault. Everything was my fault and I am still dealing with that one. At least I got out.
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  #64  
Old 10-18-2010, 11:21 PM
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I'm a victum of abuse but not by the man I love now. My exhusband abused me 6 times before I devorced him. I was only married to him 3 yrs. was with him a total of 7yrs Never again will I let a man put there hands on me like that. It makes me so mad that I know a women right here in this town that is being abused by your boyfriend and every time after he beats her she will run to family and with in a week she goes right back to him. Once a man abuses a women then they will always abuse them. Thats what my mother GOD rest her soul has always told me. I was always the wrong one it didn't matter if he was sobber or drunk. He even came after my son not hes boy but mine from an other relationship before him. He stood in the way of him hit my son and took the abuse. The last time the dog wanted to abuse me he throw me over a coffee table I hit the back of my head on the wall and some thing in me snapped. I picked the oak coffe table, filled with magazines over my head a throw it at him. hit him in the chest and ran for my life. That was the end of our marriage. Four months after our devorce he married an other and she was sporting the black eyes.
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  #65  
Old 10-20-2010, 09:38 PM
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Boy do i remember the first time he hit me I was 17years old, pregnant and he was drunk crying for his ex wife. Next thing i knew he was pushing me and he punched me in the head. Me stupid stayed. 19 years later and broken arm, black eyes and to many bruises and so much more I had finally divorced his stupid butt. I am not a victim i am a survivor. I feel if i say i am a victim i give him power over me and i refuse to do that. now i am married to a wonderful man.
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  #66  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:20 PM
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Been there at 17. Kids daddy was real abusive after I caught him with another woman. At nineteen I decided I did not want my boys to grow up in that kind of environment. Dropped the loser. Took longer for me to love myself though. Beat myself up more than he beat me.
God has shown me that I deserve better than that. My boys are good husbands and are raising their children. That's the plus. Now, I hope to have the priviledge of loving a man who totally loves me back. Hopeful
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  #67  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:24 PM
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I know the feeling. I was the same way. Boy, did I open a can of worms. Been free of him for 34 years. Thank God

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Originally Posted by TinkyWinky View Post
The first time... well I was the first to throw the first blow.

One night, he had just moved in a few weeks earlier... I was sick of him accusing me of looking through his things. That's just not my style. I don't LOOK for things to hurt myself, so I was offended at the accusation. So... since I was ALREADY being accused of snooping... I did. I found a whole bunch of letters from his old ass grandmother. Well not his REAL grandmother, but this old bitch that he was with.

I burned them and he walked in on me... asked me what I was doing and I smacked fire out of his ass. Of course he didn't respond right away so I went forward and then he smacked a spark out of me. For almost a year, we hadn't so much as raised voices and I opened the door to violence. I'm not saying I'm responsible for HIS actions... but I always wonder, if I had kept that door closed, would it have stayed.
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  #68  
Old 12-23-2010, 06:55 PM
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yes I do,..we had been married about a year, one night we were watching t.v. My feelings were hurt about something, and we had started to talk about it a little and then I went to the kitchen,. When i came back to the room, i figured we were gonna finish discussing it a little more, but he simply said 'close the door and take off your top'..i was surprised bc of the way he said it, but he was smiling so i thought, oh well he is trying to lighten the mood?
but when i hesitated he repeated to close door and get undressed. I hesitated bc i felt like "should i do it bc he is telling me to?" I felt kind of weird about it, almost like i had to, bc of the way he said it, . We had a pretty good sex life but at that moment it seemed like we should resolve talking about the disagreement. Only maybe half a minute had passed since he first told me to get undressed, i was hesitating and then was about to close the door when asked me if I was going to do like he told me. I started to say something, im not even sure what i was going to say, when he reached out and slapped me across the face. i was so stunned i just stood there holding my cheek. he said come over here,and pulled me to sit on the bed. he told me sorry, i didnt mean to do that so hard..but next time can you listen to me
that was when the physical started also with sexual..
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  #69  
Old 12-23-2010, 07:44 PM
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Aw, shoot, purple! That really sucks.
Are you getting ready to get out of this mess?
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by likepurple View Post
yes I do,..we had been married about a year, one night we were watching t.v. My feelings were hurt about something, and we had started to talk about it a little and then I went to the kitchen,. When i came back to the room, i figured we were gonna finish discussing it a little more, but he simply said 'close the door and take off your top'..i was surprised bc of the way he said it, but he was smiling so i thought, oh well he is trying to lighten the mood?
but when i hesitated he repeated to close door and get undressed. I hesitated bc i felt like "should i do it bc he is telling me to?" I felt kind of weird about it, almost like i had to, bc of the way he said it, . We had a pretty good sex life but at that moment it seemed like we should resolve talking about the disagreement. Only maybe half a minute had passed since he first told me to get undressed, i was hesitating and then was about to close the door when asked me if I was going to do like he told me. I started to say something, im not even sure what i was going to say, when he reached out and slapped me across the face. i was so stunned i just stood there holding my cheek. he said come over here,and pulled me to sit on the bed. he told me sorry, i didnt mean to do that so hard..but next time can you listen to me
that was when the physical started also with sexual..
I'm so sorry you have to experience sexual abuse; been there done that. IMO it's one of the very worse forms of abuse b/c it's so degrading, at least it was in my case. I was 15, pregnant with his child and living 300 miles away from family and friends. For the first week or two I didn't even realize I was still in Texas just in another city. Don was my first, even though the pain was there I wasn't sure it wasn't supposed to be since he told me he loved me over and over and again he was my first everything. The first time he slapped me he immediately took me in his arms and had sex with me and told me he loved me and he was sorry I made him hit me when all he ever wanted to do was love me.... A few weeks later he'd stopped saying he loved me just slapped me around and pushed me on the bed and degraded me.
I posted to say you don't deserve this and you are not alone. If you ever want to talk privately just pm me and if you like we can exchange phone numbers. I am a SURVIVOR who knows exactly what you are going through physically and emotionally and I know what goes on mentally when you are torn between wanting to get out and wanting to stay. I never made the decision to leave my abuser, he beat me one night during my third trimester of pregnancy and left me bloody and bleeding on the floor of a motel bathroom and the lady in the next room heard me moaning through the wall and she and the Manager called 911. They got me out and seeing an X-ray of my unborn infant with my broken ribs just millimeters from her head and the welcoming arms of my loving family kept me out. Normally doctors don't even X-ray pregnant women but my injuries were so severe that they had no choice.
I am a Emergency Room Reg. Nurse working in a large Dallas Hospital now and I have resources to help you whenever you are ready to get out and several others here do too. Take Care of yourself and Be Blessed....Marcia
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  #71  
Old 12-26-2010, 04:34 PM
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I remember it as if it happened yesterday. It was just a few weeks after we moved together to the first house.

I found out about him talking to his exes, he was making promisses to two of them about his love for them. I had made up my mind and I was going to leave him. We were looking for an apartment together at that time so the next morning when he went to work I when to the apt complex and got the Apt just for me, I was moving away from him. At night when he saw me packing my stuff he started asking me why I was packing only my stuff so I told him that I was leaving him, he asked me why so I told him what I heard and that I saw the messages the other girls sent him. Well he got in his knees and told me he was doing that just so the mother of his girls would calm down and not to put him on child support, about the other one he said it was just her who wanted him back, not him. I did not believe him and kept packing my stuff. I was out in the garage putting stuff in my truck when he came and said I had to believe him. I sat down not talking (I did not want to argue) so I was just listening. He got so upset because I was not "communicating" with him, out of the blue he came to me and kicked me so hard that he left the mark of his shoe on my leg. That was the first of many others.
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:30 PM
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The first and last time I remember it like it was yesterday. One day I was upset with him, so I started flirt texting a guy that have known for awhile. I went to sleep with my phone and I woke up to him going through it. Then he asked me was I cheating on him I said No and I really wasn't, but he didn't believe me. So he grabbed me by the neck and made me call the guy phone and leave a message that I will never talk to him anymore. That wasn't the end of it, I tried to ignore him by getting under the cover in the bed. He through somethings at me and he hit me on my thighs then he made me get up then he slapped me in my face. He also threatened me so that also made me afraid. Personally, I seen my mama go through a relationship like that so I was completed shocked that he actually did that. It was on Sunday and I live across the street from a church so I ran over there and talked to my pastor because I was scared.

Anyway, after that my parents told him they believed we should take a break and we did for atleast a week. He came back apologizing and crying because he said never meant to hurt me and he will never do that again. Although that is not typical it was a one-time thing because I wouldn't stayed if became a regular routine.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:08 PM
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Let me note that Jay isn't my abuser.

The first time I was abused I remember as clear as day. I was 16 we had been together for 9 months and we were living together. I woke up one morning and he was not there and I asked his brother where he was and he said that he went to see his girlfriend. I went in the room to pack my stuff and his brother called him and told him I was leaving. He came home and came into the bedroom and grabbed my hair and started yelling at me telling me I wasn't leaving. I yelled back that I was done with him and that he would never put his hands on me again and he grabbed me by my throat and started choking me. His family did nothing to stop him. When he finally stopped he took my phone and told me if I wanted to leave him he would kill me first.
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
I think, sometimes, that we don't remember the first time because it was just a gradual slide from a sting-y remark to a really controlling remark to a shove to a pinch to being kept in a room we didn't want to be in. The hit makes total sense on that continuum.

Ty Nim for this post. It hit me for three reasons...

First...I often wondered WHY can't I remember the first time my (previous) stepfather sexually abused me. In fact, that was one of the things that the defense tried to use against me when I went to court against him...they tried to say that if I was really abused, I would remember such a detail. For the longest time, I thought it started when I was 15, after we had moved to a new trailer. A year after I went to court, I ran into an old friend from where I had lived prior to turning 15, and when she asked where he was and I said in prison, she said "for him abusing you?" I asked how she knew, and she was like "don't you remember? You told me." I still do not recall anything before I was 15.

Secondly...though I've never been in a physically abusive relationship....I had two that could have turned badly, and I often thought maybe I had been just overreacting. The first guy, he thought it was funny to pinch me really hard on the inside of my upper arm where it's really sensitive. It hurt and it would leave bruises. I told him to stop 'cuz it hurt so much and he would still do it and say he was "just playing around." He was also very controlling, and possessive. He didn't even like me being on the phone "too long" with my mom. I ended the relationship when, I was in my barracks room on the phone with my mom one nite, and he came upstairs and said he wanted me to come talk to him, and I said I was on the phone. He got mad, so I told my mom I would call later, and he grabbed me by my arms and pulled me out of my room. I told him then and there it was over...no man would put his hands on me in anger. Of course he said he would never hurt me and that I was overreacting...and I often thought, well, maybe I had been. But your post reassures me that I did the right thing. Thank you.

The last relationship that could have turned bad...it was more emotional. We broke up 'cuz he thought I cheated on him (I didn't). We didn't talk for six months, and I had a "rebound fling." When we started talking again, he ended up finding out about the rebound (turns out they were in the same unit)...and he was furious. He called me all kinds of names, and said "I shoulda known you can't turn a whore into a housewife." That hurt. You'd think I would've been done with him. Nope. I kept in touch with him off and on over the next few years, and he would call me and disguise his voice and pretend to be different men, to see if I was messing around with other dudes. I eventually went to visit him one time in OH, (this was about 8 years ago), and we hooked up...but he was so cold about it...like, he was being intimate so he could degrade me in a way. I can't really explain it. For a long time, I thought, if only he would take me back, I could prove to him I love him. He was never physically abusive....but, emotionally, verbally he was....and so I wonder, if he had taken me back....what could have happened...it's kinda scary to me to know that I was so willing to risk that chance to be with him.

So....again, thank you Nim. (and, I'm sorry this post is so long...and if it really doesn't belong in this thread, since I didn't experience the hell many of you faced)
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Last edited by HesMyForever; 01-04-2011 at 06:03 PM..
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:36 AM
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Sadly, I remember the night he turned physically violent quite well, just like I remember the first time he was verbally abusive.

The first time he hit me, he'd invited our neighbor over to our place for drinks. He had just gotten my engagement ring three days prior, I guess he wanted to celebrate. I didn't particularly like that neighbor so I decided to go out by myself and leave them to do their own thing. When I got back home a few hours later they were still there, and they had been doing drugs as well. I don't know what my ex was on but he was Messed Up. He kept on saying these sweet, sappy things to me but I was so concerned about his state I was hardly paying attention to what he was saying. I kept on questioning him about what he had taken and I started cooking and trying to get him to eat something, thinking it would at least soak up some of the booze. He was upset because I wasn't "getting" him. He ended up dragging me into the bathroom and locking me in there with him. It was scary. He was falling all over me and wouldn't let me leave, even though the neighbor was shouting for him to just let me go. Finally he let me out, kicked the neighbor out, and then went out in the middle of the night looking to pick a fight. He was messed up and feeling violent, I ended up calling the police. The police found him, told him he had to leave me alone and get out of the apartment, but he ended up coming back less than an hour later. I let him in. He started yelling at me about how I'm trying to F up his life, and he started punching me. In the face, the arms. Gave me a black eye. The next moring I went out for a walk debating what to do and whether I should follow up with the police. When I got back home he had destroyed my laptop that I needed to work. I don't know why I stayed.

Out of all of our violent incidents, that one was the least violent one. I'd take that any day over the times he's tied me up naked and threatened to light me on fire.
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