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  #1  
Old 06-08-2018, 05:24 PM
ThopterMom ThopterMom is offline
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Default What do you do on their birthday?

I been lurking here for a while, but this is my first actual post. My younger son has been gone for just over a year with 29 to go.
Today is his 22nd birthday.
Today is hitting me harder than I thought it would. It really started yesterday on the way back from my husband's birthday dinner. I mostly want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed. Unfortunately (or probably fortunately - so I had to get up and get moving) today is a tournament day at work (we own a book and gaming store).
Tonight I will be surrounded by people having fun - probably loudly. It's what's good for my business, but it's really hard to handle listening to
it - especially since my first exposure to this game was through my son. He even wrote his final paper for school on the subject.
So here I am. Sitting here typing trying not to look like I'm falling apart inside. It took me three tries to get out the door this morning without tear tracks down my face.

Last year his birthday was only a month after he was arrested so I was still in shock mode. Meaning I was either sitting around frozen or crying pretty much any time I was alone. I sent him pencils and paper through the commissary and a book through our supplier. This year I didn't know where he was for sure soon enough to send anything - I finally got a letter this week after about two months of not knowing. I did send some money yesterday, but he said in the letter that he can't use the email yet so I don't know if he will even know it's there.
I kept busy on Mother's day by going down to the farm to see my mother. And my older son took over the store for the day on Monday so his wife could whisk me off on adventure. I actually cried when they told me. (That seems to be my go to reaction now - whether I'm happy or sad.)

Visiting is not an option - he's 14 hours away (his choice). He can't/won't call - in a year's time he's called once and if he doesn't know he has money on his account... plus he said he hasn't figured out the phone system there. I started a letter yesterday. I will probably write some more later and send it tomorrow.
So what do you do?
I know I just have to get through and tomorrow will be better.
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  #2  
Old 06-08-2018, 05:41 PM
Kimimi Kimimi is offline
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I sent several cards his birthday week and then bought him a pair of running shoes that he ordered. He should know when his money hits the books. Best of luck it’s not an easy journey. I’m sorry for all of your pain
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Old 06-08-2018, 08:37 PM
Halo527 Halo527 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThopterMom View Post
I been lurking here for a while, but this is my first actual post. My younger son has been gone for just over a year with 29 to go.
Today is his 22nd birthday.
Today is hitting me harder than I thought it would. It really started yesterday on the way back from my husband's birthday dinner. I mostly want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed. Unfortunately (or probably fortunately - so I had to get up and get moving) today is a tournament day at work (we own a book and gaming store).
Tonight I will be surrounded by people having fun - probably loudly. It's what's good for my business, but it's really hard to handle listening to
it - especially since my first exposure to this game was through my son. He even wrote his final paper for school on the subject.
So here I am. Sitting here typing trying not to look like I'm falling apart inside. It took me three tries to get out the door this morning without tear tracks down my face.

Last year his birthday was only a month after he was arrested so I was still in shock mode. Meaning I was either sitting around frozen or crying pretty much any time I was alone. I sent him pencils and paper through the commissary and a book through our supplier. This year I didn't know where he was for sure soon enough to send anything - I finally got a letter this week after about two months of not knowing. I did send some money yesterday, but he said in the letter that he can't use the email yet so I don't know if he will even know it's there.
I kept busy on Mother's day by going down to the farm to see my mother. And my older son took over the store for the day on Monday so his wife could whisk me off on adventure. I actually cried when they told me. (That seems to be my go to reaction now - whether I'm happy or sad.)

Visiting is not an option - he's 14 hours away (his choice). He can't/won't call - in a year's time he's called once and if he doesn't know he has money on his account... plus he said he hasn't figured out the phone system there. I started a letter yesterday. I will probably write some more later and send it tomorrow.
So what do you do?
I know I just have to get through and tomorrow will be better.
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. My 22 year old son was just sentenced to 14 years at 80%. My heart has been broken over this ordeal and I completely understand what you are going through. I too, have shed so many tears.

It's going to take time for you to heal, but slowly it does get better. You are not alone, many of us on this site have gone through the same thing. I found solace in going back and reading the posts of others. It helped me to know that I was not alone and that what I was feeling is normal.

Keep writing to your son and send pictures and books and gift packs. It sounds like he is having a difficult time getting his head around his sentence. I have read where some imprisoned people don't want to see or hear from their families because it makes it harder for them to face where they are. I don't know how others handled this, maybe some will weigh in. But maybe in time he will come around. He has a very heavy burden he is facing and he is so young.

Please feel free to reach out to me whenever you would like. Praying for you and your son. ♡
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Old 06-11-2018, 01:56 PM
ThopterMom ThopterMom is offline
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Thanks for the uplifting messages. It really was just a DAY. I know I'll have those from time to time. I'm back to my regular of being able to distance myself most of the time and only let it get to me when I have time for it.
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Old 06-12-2018, 08:53 AM
GaReform GaReform is offline
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It is really hard when they are far away & you can't share any of life's events with them. My son was 8 hours away from us so visiting was difficult. He missed his favorite Great Aunt's last days & funeral, birthdays & holidays. We tried to go there around his birthday & Christmas. Luckily it was only 2 years but so much can happen in that time.


I can imagine he is trying to deal with the changes in his life. It is a form of grieving for all of us. Almost like a death because it is a death of life as we know it. The same stages of grief that occur for a death is similar to what we experience with incarceration. Only there is a lot less support & sympathy for those going through incarceration loss. That's why this group is so important.


Give your son time. Take care of yourself & focus on being strong. He is going to need your support when he finally comes to where he can function again. His basic needs are being met so you need to make sure yours are too. If you need medication to help you get through this, don't be afraid to check into it. See if there are any support groups near you. They don't have to be just focused on incarceration, stress support groups can offer advice on how to deal with things you're experiencing too.


I sent my son magazines through the inmatemagazine.com site. That helped him keep in touch with the things he liked. I also wrote him weekly. If you have a concern you might try reaching out to his counselor or the chaplain at his location. The hardest thing to do is wait but sometimes that's all you can do.


Please visit here & share when you need to. We have all been down the same road & understand.
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Old 06-17-2018, 07:10 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
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Agree with what others have said.
He will come around in time.


And for sure those days are hard to deal with. Just know that they too will pass.
Allow yourself to have those down days but dont stay down.
Get out. Talk to people. Try to find the good things.....a birds song, a smelly good rose, anything like that.


And write. Write to him. Send him cards. He will respond at some point.
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