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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 06-05-2018, 01:21 PM
Mrs.Parker<3 Mrs.Parker<3 is offline
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Default Lost right now, boyfriend given life sentence

i am so lost. i feel like im torn between what my heart wants and what my brain is telling me the reaility of our situation is... he is the love of my life. ive loved this man since i was 19 and he was 18..now were 27 and 26 and he has been in jail for the past 2 years and just lost trial and was sentenced to 50-life i am definitely in denial about whats going on..him loosing trial was so unexpected to both of us..
from the day i saw him i loved him, and knew i wanted to marry him and have his kids.. i wanted him forever and now years later we are finally talking about getting married now. he has requested the paperwork and wants us to get married before he gets sent to prison...i shud be happy right? its literally my dream come true. my true love an i finally being married, me being his wife..why do i feel so torn, confused, sad, depressed, scared, i just feel like i dont kno anything anymore... like i said hes the love of my life.. i literally cannot imagine my life without him. he knows me better then anyone else onthis planet and i know without a doubt that i will never find anyone like him. hes my best friend, my other half, we really were made for eachother..
but what kind of marriage could we possibly have? he will most likely never come home, i do have faith but i also have to be real about the situation.. were both so young and i feel like ill be giving up everything if i do this ...im at a loss, im sooooo confused and feel like i dont have much time to make a decision... can i be okay with spending the rest of my life with a husband who i can only talk on the phone to a write letters to? sure there will be contact visits and the possibility of family visits in the future but is that enough for me? will i be okay with the fact that my husband is absent from everything i do.. will i be okay with never having his children? will i always feel this way? everyday i go through so many emotions and i feel like i cant even function thruout the day because im so stressed about all this. i go from crying cuz i miss him so bad an wish i could hear his voice to crying about the fact that this isnt a bad dream that my love really got sentenced to 50-life! i get so scared when i think about me having to go through life by myself basically.. will i be okay with not having my husband physically there with me as all these years pass? i had this whole life planned out for me an him..all the things we were gunna do together all the memories we would make etc. an it kills me everyday when i realize all those things i wanted an he wanted will most likely never happen..
aside from the way i feel on the inside. all this stress with him being locked up and the uncertainty of when he would home then to find out he wont be coming home for a very long time has taken its toll on my body. i feel like i look so stressed all the time. my weight is up and down , my hair is falling out, i cant barely eat or sleep so i just look like complete shit everyday and thats not me. im so consumed with him that ive totally let myself go and thats not me either!! everyday gets worse an worse for me. all i wanna do i breakdown to him an tell him all of this but i feel like i cant right now because of the news he jus got, and i feel like if hes holding it together then i definitely need to as well cuz i need to be strong for him and at the end of the day hes the one who is gone hes the one who really lost everything so it feels like i need to be strong for him especially if im going to be wife soon right????
not all days are bad though ..there are some days i wake up and i cant wait to marry him regardless of what our "marriage" ends up being to me hes worth it. even when i have my doubts there is not ONE part of me that doesnt love EVERY PART of him!!!!
and heres a little sidenote that i always think about... if i ever did decide to NOT marry him..i would still talk to him, write and visit him..that will never change!!!! regardless of if we're married or bf/gf or just friends he will always be the love of my life and someone who i will make sure is in my life in some way forever...so having said that... honestly what man would be okay with their signifiacant other having a friendship with her ex whos in prison?? i cant think of one who would...so then my mind goes to this.." i might as well marry him becuase no1 else is gunna wanna marry me while im carrying on a relationship with him...
I dont get to see my love that often..we are both from the bay area (northern california) and he got in trouble while he was in los angeles for the weekend so he is all the way in southern cali..its not too far but far enough to where i can only see him every few months.. i did jus go visit him this past weekend and let me tell yu guys....the moment i saw him walk into the visting area..alll my reservations about marrying him and all my fear and sadness about the whole situation went away.. i was more calm an sure then ever with my decision to marry him and finally become Mrs. Parker (which i wanted since the day i saw him) he is my whole world and i cant see myself marrying anyone else...
so yea, this is where my heads at. as you can tell from this post im soooooo back an forth right now and its truly torture to me ... has anyone else gone through this or have any feeling simalar to mine? i would appreciate any feedback or opinions cuz at this point the only thing im sure of anymore is that i love him.
sorry this post is so long..its one of those days where i need to vent!!!!!!!
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Old 06-05-2018, 03:27 PM
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I am so sorry...this is such a difficult thing.
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Old 06-05-2018, 04:11 PM
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My heart breaks for you. I know when my husband was sentenced my world came tumbling down on me. I don't know exactly what to say, just think things ALL the way through. I was 20 when my husband was sentenced to 20 years and it's been the HARDEST 10+ years in my life. We've had many many ups and downs but at the end, our LOVE and faith in GOD has always kept us together. I'll definitely keep you and your man in my prayers.

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Old 06-05-2018, 05:11 PM
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I'm sorry for what happened. It is a terrible situation to face, for both of you.
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Old 06-05-2018, 05:25 PM
Mrs.Parker<3 Mrs.Parker<3 is offline
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yea i cant imagine what 10+ years would feel like!!!! these past 2 have seemed unbearable and that was when i thought he was either going to beat trial an immediately come home or go to prison for like 8-10.. so when he got the news that he lost trial an got all this time i promise you it took my breath away and i havent been able to catch it since.... if there was an end date to all this maybe it would be easier, it would give him and i something to look forward to you know? but LIFE ? seems so undeserving and definitely NOT rehabilitating at all. I keep picturing my young, strong , handsome, smart, tough guy turning into an old man in there!!!! its kills me, i would do anything to make things not as bad as they are. i know this seems crazy, i feel like ive went a little crazy since this all began but it just seems so unfair to me. i kno it doesnt work like this but i prayed to GOD an talked to GOD every day all day so did he.. i made sure i was on my best behavior so GOD wouldnt have a reason to punish me ( i know im weird) but i jus dont understand why!!!!! why him? and why me? why do i deserve to go through this? this heartbreak ..it hurts so fuking bad i cant breath sometimes..im in a bad place right now; ive lost my faith that things will be okay..cause they wont be will they??? i need to find a way to get it back because my bf needs me to be strong..
* i wish my boyfriend was here..he would know exactly what to say*
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Old 06-05-2018, 05:27 PM
Mrs.Parker<3 Mrs.Parker<3 is offline
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thank you for the prayers!!!!!!!! i really appreciate it!!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-05-2018, 09:06 PM
Sean’sWife82 Sean’sWife82 is offline
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I'm so sorry :-( this is such a wonderful site for support and encouragement though to hopefully help you through everything. I wouldn't put pressure on yourself to make any long term decisions right now. Take your time and do what makes you happy, just give yourself time and see where life takes you.
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Old 06-06-2018, 01:00 PM
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I know you feel overwhelmed. All you can do is take it one day at a time, even minute by minute. I also lost my faith for a minute, because I could not understand why God allowed this to happen to my family. I'm not going to lie and say it gets easier. I'm 10+ years into this and I STILL have my days. You're in the best place you can be HERE on PTO. People here are very supportive and are always willing to help. I wish you and your fiancee the very best. Keep your eyes on God!



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Originally Posted by Mrs.Parker<3 View Post
yea i cant imagine what 10+ years would feel like!!!! these past 2 have seemed unbearable and that was when i thought he was either going to beat trial an immediately come home or go to prison for like 8-10.. so when he got the news that he lost trial an got all this time i promise you it took my breath away and i havent been able to catch it since.... if there was an end date to all this maybe it would be easier, it would give him and i something to look forward to you know? but LIFE ? seems so undeserving and definitely NOT rehabilitating at all. I keep picturing my young, strong , handsome, smart, tough guy turning into an old man in there!!!! its kills me, i would do anything to make things not as bad as they are. i know this seems crazy, i feel like ive went a little crazy since this all began but it just seems so unfair to me. i kno it doesnt work like this but i prayed to GOD an talked to GOD every day all day so did he.. i made sure i was on my best behavior so GOD wouldnt have a reason to punish me ( i know im weird) but i jus dont understand why!!!!! why him? and why me? why do i deserve to go through this? this heartbreak ..it hurts so fuking bad i cant breath sometimes..im in a bad place right now; ive lost my faith that things will be okay..cause they wont be will they??? i need to find a way to get it back because my bf needs me to be strong..
* i wish my boyfriend was here..he would know exactly what to say*
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Old 06-06-2018, 01:40 PM
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Hi there , this is all very new and raw and I am sorry you are going through this. Your loved one has a long sentence and this is going to impact heavily on you and your relationship.
I think you should put off making major decisions at the moment. There is no rush.Sometimes when you don't know what to do then do nothing and see what happens.
Give yourself plenty of time and things will be clearer.
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Old 06-06-2018, 11:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.Parker<3 View Post
honestly what man would be okay with their signifiacant other having a friendship with her ex whos in prison?? i cant think of one who would...so then my mind goes to this.." i might as well marry him becuase no1 else is gunna wanna marry me while im carrying on a relationship with him...
So I'm married to a man with 4 years to life. He's in Colorado and I'm in California. He's been in 16 years already. I had been in love with him since I was 12, and at 20 when he committed his crime, his parents told me he was dead instead.

I married someone else before I found out that my childhood sweetheart was in prison instead. And my then husband actually let me write him, understanding that we had this bond and that I would always be emotionally invested in him. Now, because I lived in Arkansas at that point, I was never really able to visit him.

My late husband died two years ago, and it was honestly decided about three years before that I would be marrying my childhood sweetheart next. But yes, I was married to a man who was understanding about my relationship with M. I can happen. But he also knew that I intended on staying until he died (he was terminally ill.)

But I will say, this life is not for everyone. I don't really have a sex drive. I enjoy sex when it's available, but I don't have a real need to have it. I am also demisexual and must have a very strong emotional connection and at least the promise of marriage to anyone before I even consider the idea of sex with them. Since I literally don't leave the house except with my mom, that's never going to happen.

I feel like this makes me uniquely prepared to be the wife of a man who may never get out of prison.

If he doesn't start pushing you away himself (some do) have a serious talk with him. If you're a very sexual being you may want to discuss some form of open relationship or perhaps a polyamorous situation.

As I said, I don't have a sex drive, but I do require some physical contact, and my family are not huggy individuals. So my husband has let me have a cuddle buddy. I have a friend who I sometimes have lunch with and often even him hugging me as we meet and hugging me as we leave is enough to satisfy the need for physical contact for a while. Sometimes I go over to his house and we'll cuddle on the couch watching a movie. He knows that this is not going any further than that either relationship wise or physically. He's in a polyamorous relationship so his partners are fully understanding of this. I'm technically not really even involved.


I married my husband because had he not been removed from my life I would have married him long ago. I knew there was a chance that we might never share a home but I wanted whatever kind of marriage we could have, because he has always been the one I loved at my core. Being as far away from him as I am, it's difficult- I will not have seen him for 13 months by the time I get to do so this year. But our days are made brighter even by just talking to each other and we have that at least.
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Old 06-07-2018, 06:17 PM
Mrs.Parker<3 Mrs.Parker<3 is offline
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Quote:
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I married my husband because had he not been removed from my life I would have married him long ago. I knew there was a chance that we might never share a home but I wanted whatever kind of marriage we could have, because he has always been the one I loved at my core.
thank you for saying that!!!! thats exactly how i feel about my man. ive always knew from the first day i saw him that i wanted to marry him; my love for him has never changed through all our ups and downs and we have had many!! like you said of your husband, you loved him at your core, thats exactly how i feel. my love for this man runs deep and i honestly feel that will never change.
i know its not for everyone; the wife of a lifer, but i believe i can do it.. if i just take things day by day...today was a good day btw!! I got to talk to my baby!!! we had a great conversation about the NBA finals game that was yesterday..we are both big warriors fans..being able to talk to him , i can feel the love through the phone and all this worry an unsure feelings go away. right now im just happy to be getting ready to marry this man
thank you all for your thoughts on this! i love this site!
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