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Old 09-08-2019, 10:52 AM
Onetruemisfit Onetruemisfit is offline
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Default Been writing a girl, visiting soon

Started writing a girl in prison a couple of months ago. She has already been in prison a few months before I started writing. I knew her as a customer from working at a gas station. Tried to get to know her before getting locked up by adding her on Facebook but never heard from her.

I am 32 and she is 21. She is in prison for meth and will be released sometime in May unless she gets an earlier release. She was sentenced to 11 months. This is her first time in prison. She has a history of abuse and a mother who is in prison who uses.

I sent her quite a bit of money early on as I wrote her and she was interested and wrote back. Since then we have written lots of letters. I've sent her a lot of money and letters with drawings and greeting cards, post cards, song lyrics etc. I've also sent her books.

I try to send her a minimum of $50 every two weeks sometimes more.

Things have been a bit rocky as of late in the letters. We are not dating we haven't really talked in person yet. Sometimes she makes it sound like we are dating or there is potential, then she said she wanted to be single for a year after release. Then she said she wanted to move away after release and go to a recovery home and move to Florida. I didn't like this because I want her to be around. Made me reply a little upset.

She has been calling though and the calls seem to go better because we can express ourselves and understand each other better.

I am a recovering drug addict myself. I want to help her as much as I can with finding a job, going to church, going to aa, taking her to and paying for some kind of therapy. Any way that I can help.

Well, I got approved for visits and may be visiting her for the first time this week. Excited and anxious about that. I want to visit her every couple of weeks. I think it will go well. I just want to share my story with you and would love to answer any questions.
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Old 09-08-2019, 12:26 PM
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Welcome to PTO.

If you think things might progress to dating, you may want to check out our MWI forum. Many of us met through letters first. You'll read the good, the great, the bad and the really, really bad (aka the Red Flags). But it's helpful to know you're not alone in this journey and that some feelings that "normal" relationships don't experience are common.
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Old 09-08-2019, 12:29 PM
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Oh I forgot to mention, I have been lurking here during the whole time. I have read just about everything. LOL I also watch youtube prison shows and a couple of other prison shows. I've been watching love after lockup and female prison documentaries. I'm all into it.
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Old 09-08-2019, 01:27 PM
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So here’s the deal. She wasn’t interested in you when she wasn’t locked up. Now that you are sending her a great deal of money... suddenly there’s “potential”... but not enough for her to make any kind of move on it.

I fear you are romanticizing the prison relationship because you are titillated by what you see on largely scripted, heavily edited television shows. I think it’s totally cool to keep writing, but seriously, cool it on the cash flow. She’s gonna take you to the cleaners.
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Old 09-08-2019, 01:38 PM
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I hope it advances to a relationship you want. Honestly though it sounds like she doesn't see you that way. Maybe spending time together will change her feelings. I hope everything works out for you.
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Old 09-08-2019, 02:00 PM
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Hi there, I would say stop sending her money for a while , that will give you a true version of her feelings. It seems you are hoping for a relationship so you may be on different pages.
Good luck with your correspondence.
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Old 09-08-2019, 05:00 PM
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Use your visits and the remainder of her time inside to figure out the real possibilities for the two of you to actually have a relationship after she is released. The MWI forum contains positive stories, but also quite a few where the prisoner was only stringing along the other person for money on their books. Try to figure out which one you are dealing with.

As a former prisoner I watched a large number of folks scam kindhearted outsiders with absolutely no concern about how hurtful their actions were to them, and the worst of them had numerous individuals who they were manipulating. One way to find out is to stop sending money.
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Old 09-08-2019, 05:53 PM
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Also, you might want to give her some space once she is released to address her drug issues. If she hasn’t dealt with that she won’t make a good partner; if she goes back into the drug world and you follow her you could jeopardize your own sobriety. Just something to think about.
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Old 09-09-2019, 08:35 AM
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Okay so I want to make the point that she talks about me to her grandma and brother during their visits. I have added her brother on xbox live and we play games together and get along well. He also came to my work to visit me. I know this doesn't guarantee anything but it does seem to show that I mean something to her.

As far as giving her space, yes and I want to help her with her recovery if she is willing to heed to my advice. (Going to AA, church, getting therapy etc.) Me follow her back into drugs? No. I'll never do that again. My sobriety is important to me.

I did try messaging her on Facebook before she went to prison and she didn't respond but that doesn't mean much. She was messed up at that time, probably didn't know who I was, she may have not of even see then message. I have no idea. I don't think that says much. I'm focused on the here and now.

As far as stopping giving her money, I almost did when she said that she wants to be single for a year. I think she was just upset at me. I'm not sure. I know that she gets at least some money from her grandma. I'm pretty sure she does anyhow. But I have been in jail and I know how important it is to have some money on your books. I don't want to stop supporting her. I make sure that I take care of myself financially as well. She won't take me to the cleaners. Anything I send her is my own choice. Bills, savings etc come fist on my part and then what I have left and decide to give I give.

She has given mixed signals as far as us dating/not dating. I think it makes since though because we haven't even really met and talked in person yet. That's what I'm really excited for the visit. It may be easier to tell how this could go from there. I don't expect her to want to be with me without even interacting with me in person much.

Part of me just wanted to get to know her and build a relationship and we have been doing that so it's totally worth it. At the same time, when she said things like she wanted to be single for a year and she wanted to move far away after being released that bothered me. Part of the reason for her saying that stuff could be because I told her I was seeing a girl when I first wrote her. Yet we were only friends. I wasn't officially dating any one. She seems to want me to be committed to her without her being committed to me. I think she had no right to be upset about me being with someone when I first started talking to her. I know that she has bad mental habits that she needs to work on. Dealing with problems etc.

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Old 09-09-2019, 09:19 AM
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You will never get to the know the real "her" if you smother her already with money and stuff... You are giving here already the impression you're loaded (even if you're not) and that she has someone out there being her sugar daddy.
I might be exaggerating now but reading your thread all red lights came on.
Slow way down and get to know her first. She should be interested in YOU and not your wallet.
AND... she even said to you she doesn't want to commit right away, so why you are so pushy?
Plus... not that I'm that knowledgeable but two addicts together... could be cruising for bruising...
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Old 09-09-2019, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
Started writing a girl in prison a couple of months ago. She has already been in prison a few months before I started writing. I knew her as a customer from working at a gas station. Tried to get to know her before getting locked up by adding her on Facebook but never heard from her.

I am 32 and she is 21. She is in prison for meth and will be released sometime in May unless she gets an earlier release. She was sentenced to 11 months. This is her first time in prison. She has a history of abuse and a mother who is in prison who uses.

I sent her quite a bit of money early on as I wrote her and she was interested and wrote back. Since then we have written lots of letters. I've sent her a lot of money and letters with drawings and greeting cards, post cards, song lyrics etc. I've also sent her books.

I try to send her a minimum of $50 every two weeks sometimes more.

Things have been a bit rocky as of late in the letters. We are not dating we haven't really talked in person yet. Sometimes she makes it sound like we are dating or there is potential, then she said she wanted to be single for a year after release. Then she said she wanted to move away after release and go to a recovery home and move to Florida. I didn't like this because I want her to be around. Made me reply a little upset.

She has been calling though and the calls seem to go better because we can express ourselves and understand each other better.

I am a recovering drug addict myself. I want to help her as much as I can with finding a job, going to church, going to aa, taking her to and paying for some kind of therapy. Any way that I can help.

Well, I got approved for visits and may be visiting her for the first time this week. Excited and anxious about that. I want to visit her every couple of weeks. I think it will go well. I just want to share my story with you and would love to answer any questions.
Don't be upset at someone that is making their way through life on their own accord. Giving money to someone doesn't allow you the power to control their free will. She gonna make her way, if her way is to you then it is because you two have a connection that draws each other close, if that connection is 50$ a week then know that wont be a fun relationship.

If my girl wanted to move to the moon to get into a program when she got out I would support her. My heart would hurt but I would support her.

Tip for visiting, make the best of the time, never leave on a bad note!

Good luck!
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Old 09-09-2019, 09:37 AM
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Hopefully she isn't using the money you and her grandmother are giving her on drugs inside.
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Old 09-09-2019, 12:24 PM
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Hello, welcome to PTO officially (hey, even lurking, when you post, that's sort of our heads-up that you're here now.) I see you're new to posting and you've been writing writing to a girl in prison.


Granted, I've got the benefit of years of hindsight and a year of NarAnon, so I'm probably going to see things a bit different. So please....take my response....as someone who's been there, seen a lot, and my criticism is intended to be constructive and not a judgment of you or your character. The fact that you're doing all you're doing to learn tells me that you're most likely a pretty good dude who wants to have a successful relationship with someone who's incarcerated, and I can speak from experience, we are a rare breed. I know this from the experience of visiting and realizing that very, very few women in the visiting room had someone there who was a significant other. So in no way am I going to tell you to not date her or not meet her or not try this. Frankly, I like to joke that we're like a secret society. We should have little medallions that we walk around flashing at each other so we can spot each other in the wild if we either went through this in the past or are going through it right now.



But I am going to play a bit of devil's advocate on the other side, so please bear with me.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
Started writing a girl in prison a couple of months ago. She has already been in prison a few months before I started writing. I knew her as a customer from working at a gas station. Tried to get to know her before getting locked up by adding her on Facebook but never heard from her

I have some similar initial thoughts on this to what I'm reading to others. Prior to being locked up, she wasn't particularly responsive. Why, now, are you a focal point for her? I would definitely question this. It doesn't mean that she doesn't like you or that she doesn't now want something. But I do think it's smart to keep this in mind and be wary of any red flags you might see in her behavior. Is she about you? Or is she doing this to benefit herself?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
I am 32 and she is 21. She is in prison for meth and will be released sometime in May unless she gets an earlier release. She was sentenced to 11 months. This is her first time in prison. She has a history of abuse and a mother who is in prison who uses.

The age difference, while not a deal-breaker, gives me pause both ways. Why, at 32, are you interested in a woman that much younger than you? (Beyond the usual reasons. LOL! I'm not blind, buddy, and I was on the dating scene for a while after Dee and I broke up, so I get it. But then they talked and...well.....some things just can't be overcome.) And why, at 21, would she be interested in you? Questions to ask both ways because compatibility is huge for long-term relationship success. I'm not saying compatibility can't overcome an age gap. It can. I know it can because one girl I dated recently was about 8 years younger than me and if it weren't for her tendency to binge drink, I think it could have worked on an emotional and intellectual level. But it's definitely something you need to be sure of.


More concerning is the drug addiction bit. Is she getting help for it in prison? Is she doing 12 step or taking some sort of program seriously? Will she continue to do so after she gets out? Meth is not an easy drug to kick (are any of them? But this one seems to have a particularly tight grip on people in my experience.) Given that her mom has issues with it and a history of incarceration, both nature and nurture are working against her here. Does she have the emotional maturity and wherewithall to overcome that?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
I sent her quite a bit of money early on as I wrote her and she was interested and wrote back. Since then we have written lots of letters. I've sent her a lot of money and letters with drawings and greeting cards, post cards, song lyrics etc. I've also sent her books.

Give a woman, especially a young woman, money and attention, and you've got her for as long as that money and attention will stretch. What happens when you cut out money? (Probably consistent with what others are saying.) To me that's the key. Not saying cut her off, but if you cut it down to maybe basic necessities at most....will she still be into you?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
I try to send her a minimum of $50 every two weeks sometimes more.

That's sweet. But what is she doing with that money?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
Things have been a bit rocky as of late in the letters. We are not dating we haven't really talked in person yet. Sometimes she makes it sound like we are dating or there is potential, then she said she wanted to be single for a year after release. Then she said she wanted to move away after release and go to a recovery home and move to Florida. I didn't like this because I want her to be around. Made me reply a little upset.

I don't like this because it sounds like she's yanking around on what she wants to do. A recovery home in Florida? I think I've seen this scenario on an adult website.....and I'm only half kidding. And this is where my impression changes a bit because what it tells me is that she does not have a serious commitment to you. "She makes it sound like we are dating or there is potential" is not the same as actually dating or having an actual commitment. This tends to lean me more toward she's playing you. But given her young age, it could also be the confusion of youth. Again......a reason why I generally think women 10 years younger than me are nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to take them home to mom and dad.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
She has been calling though and the calls seem to go better because we can express ourselves and understand each other better.

This is a more positive sign. but again, no commitment is what I'm reading.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
I am a recovering drug addict myself. I want to help her as much as I can with finding a job, going to church, going to aa, taking her to and paying for some kind of therapy. Any way that I can help.

https://www.nar-anon.org/ It's not your problem. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it. Three C's to live by. You need to be strong in yourself. You can be supportive. But to go to that extent....how is she going to figure out how to look for jobs? How is she taking ownership of anything that she's doing in her recovery and self-improvement if you're pretty much doing it for her? And what happens if she doesn't want to?


Recovery from drug addiction, as I've learned from "double winners" in Nar-Anon (people who are addicts in recovery who have a loved one with addiction,) is unique to each and every person. Even if you have experience in recovery or have worked in recovery or whatever the case is, ultimately it's up to each addict to figure out what works for them. We just kind of have to let them do it. Otherwise...we become addicted to them and to their addiction. Co-dependency is real.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
Well, I got approved for visits and may be visiting her for the first time this week. Excited and anxious about that. I want to visit her every couple of weeks. I think it will go well. I just want to share my story with you and would love to answer any questions.

Yes, definitely go visit. I hope that it goes well. I hope that it makes things more real both ways. But make sure you're not going in blind.


As to your second significant post (just so I can compress into one response, let's look at that now.......


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
Okay so I want to make the point that she talks about me to her grandma and brother during their visits. I have added her brother on xbox live and we play games together and get along well. He also came to my work to visit me. I know this doesn't guarantee anything but it does seem to show that I mean something to her.

Here's something I learned with Dee....when a drug addict wants to manipulate you to continue to get what they want over a long period of time, they WILL put you in the middle of their family. Their objective isn't to care about your feelings. Their objective is to continue to get from you whatever it is they want to get from you. I got to know several members of her family, and I love them, they're great people. Her sister and I remain really great friends because her sister and I got really close over the years and our friendship exists independently of that relationship and has for some time. I know my situations are not universally applicable, but I have heard enough stories from others to know they're also not unique to me. So proceed with caution, even with this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
As far as giving her space, yes and I want to help her with her recovery if she is willing to heed to my advice. (Going to AA, church, getting therapy etc.) Me follow her back into drugs? No. I'll never do that again. My sobriety is important to me.

9 years of dealing with an addict taught me that they don't do anything they don't want to do. Speak your peace. Then let her do what she's going to do.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
I did try messaging her on Facebook before she went to prison and she didn't respond but that doesn't mean much. She was messed up at that time, probably didn't know who I was, she may have not of even see then message. I have no idea. I don't think that says much. I'm focused on the here and now.

You might want to ask her. But beyond that. Let's look at this bit real quick, because I want you to think about it. "She was messed up at that time." That's the key thing that stands out more than any of the rest.


Let's go back to the beginning of your story for a moment. You're working at a gas station. She's a customer. I'm not sure how much you knew about her from interacting with her there, but apparently at this point you know enough to know she was "messed up at the time." Then she compounds that problem by getting arrested and going to jail.


You, at the time, had no obligation to her. You're about 11 years older than her. You know she has problems. She ignored your message (or didn't see it.) Then the problems got compounded by her going to jail.


And forgive me, because I've been there in my own way and I don't mean this as an attack, but hindsight kind of puts up some alarm bells even though my situation wasn't exactly the same....so I need to ask. What part of all of that screamed at you "I need to write to this girl and give her money" when she went to jail? What are you getting out of this relationship, whatever it is?


If I am you and in your shoes, those are the types of questions I am asking myself right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
As far as stopping giving her money, I almost did when she said that she wants to be single for a year. I think she was just upset at me. I'm not sure. I know that she gets at least some money from her grandma. I'm pretty sure she does anyhow. But I have been in jail and I know how important it is to have some money on your books. I don't want to stop supporting her. I make sure that I take care of myself financially as well. She won't take me to the cleaners. Anything I send her is my own choice. Bills, savings etc come fist on my part and then what I have left and decide to give I give.

Your money is your money, just like my money is my money. But man, The things I could have done for myself if I had kept my money to myself and let her figure out her own stuff. That's why it comes back to asking...why am I doing this? What am I getting out of this? For me hindsight is 20/20. But given the time and money I invested, my return on that was low. I knew I wasn't going to get money back. But the emotional/psychological return was very, very low. And now she's back to doing what she does. And I'm not stressing it. Because it's not my problem. And I have to caution others that that MIGHT be the end-result of their situation as well.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
She has given mixed signals as far as us dating/not dating. I think it makes since though because we haven't even really met and talked in person yet. That's what I'm really excited for the visit. It may be easier to tell how this could go from there. I don't expect her to want to be with me without even interacting with me in person much.

Prepare for that to feel really good and for it also to not mean much beyond that moment. Relationships take time. One meeting might feel good but it won't tell you everything. Keep your head about you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
Part of me just wanted to get to know her and build a relationship and we have been doing that so it's totally worth it. At the same time, when she said things like she wanted to be single for a year and she wanted to move far away after being released that bothered me. Part of the reason for her saying that stuff could be because I told her I was seeing a girl when I first wrote her. Yet we were only friends. I wasn't officially dating any one. She seems to want me to be committed to her without her being committed to me. I think she had no right to be upset about me being with someone when I first started talking to her. I know that she has bad mental habits that she needs to work on. Dealing with problems etc.

Okay. This is confusing to me.


Why would you tell her that you were seeing someone when you first wrote her when you weren't?


If you were interested in someone else (I can't tell if that was, in fact, the case or not,) why would you write to her and put money on her books? (That seems to be counter-intuitive toward whoever you were interested at the time.)


You say you don't think she had any right to be upset about you being with someone when you started talking to her. You don't have a committed relationship. What right do you have to determine what she should or should not think?








Okay...that sort of concludes my thinking. Anything that's harsh...is nothing personal, as I explained at the beginning. For me personally....I would be staying away from this situation if I were in your shoes. But it's your life, your happiness and your decision. Whatever you do and however that visit goes, I wish you luck.


-Eric
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Old 09-09-2019, 03:40 PM
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I agree with EVRYTHING MissingDee said and wish I could have said it as well.
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Old 09-09-2019, 04:23 PM
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I just want to make one more quick statement.


I view my relationship with Dee and what came out of it as a relative success. Not an absolute success. But relative to what it could have been like for her without me there, yes, it was successful. My gage: Dee was in a position to succeed. She had all the tools and some amazing support behind her which, for a while, she did utilize. She talked the right talk and, for a while, walked the right walk (at least to some extent.) We made our relationship work for about a year post-prison. And to be clear, not everything was bad. I do carry some good memories from that time. And, for what it's worth, she still has not gone back to jail (though I would argue that's more on luck than merit.)


That said, the relationship was still a technical failure when it was all said and done because she inevitably went back to what she knew instead of continuing to "feel the love" as it were from myself and from her family.


Making a relationship like this work is very, very hard and can take a lot out of you. Even if you succeed...you might still fail.
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Old 09-09-2019, 04:37 PM
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I just want to make one more quick statement.


I view my relationship with Dee and what came out of it as a relative success. Not an absolute success. But relative to what it could have been like for her without me there, yes, it was successful. My gage: Dee was in a position to succeed. She had all the tools and some amazing support behind her which, for a while, she did utilize. She talked the right talk and, for a while, walked the right walk (at least to some extent.) We made our relationship work for about a year post-prison. And to be clear, not everything was bad. I do carry some good memories from that time. And, for what it's worth, she still has not gone back to jail (though I would argue that's more on luck than merit.)


That said, the relationship was still a technical failure when it was all said and done because she inevitably went back to what she knew instead of continuing to "feel the love" as it were from myself and from her family.


Making a relationship like this work is very, very hard and can take a lot out of you. Even if you succeed...you might still fail.
That is a great view on life in general. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but glad you are still positive enough to see the good in it.
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Old 09-09-2019, 09:01 PM
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Hey guys and gals, thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate them. I know this could be hard and I could get hurt and that's why I'm reaching out on here as well for a little support myself. I just got off the phone with her tonight and I plan to visit her for the first time tomorrow! The drive is about an hour and a half away. Not too bad. I hope to spend maybe 4 hours together with her. I want to respond to much of what has been said. I am going into work soon so I will write more tomorrow.

About her age -

This may sound bad of me but I can't take any woman seriously who has a child already. Personal preference. At my age it is becoming harder and harder. She doesn't have a kid so it makes me more interested. Yes, she is attractive but I've been with even more attractive women and I have no problem finding more. I saw potential for something real here to be able to consistently build a relationship over 9 months. Getting to know each other more than have with most people. I did spend 4 1/2 months in rehab when I was younger and I wrote to a girl who was my first long term relationship at the time. I love writing. It's a great opportunity to me. Yes she is young but old enough to be in prison. I think that some of her lifestyle has made her more mature and I am very young at heart. I love to stay up with the modern culture, music and games etc.

The girl I was with when I started writing her -

That was just a fling, this woman was still technically married and had kids. She spent a couple of nights with me but that was it. We weren't really dating.

The girl in prison not being committed -

I talked to her about me adding her on Facebook and she has had a lot of people send her friend requests on Facebook and she was too busy smoking and selling meth to be bothered. I didn't try to message her a ton it was only once or so. I don't see that as a problem.

I think she doesn't want to fully commit now because she hasn't gotten to meet me in person and actually hold a conversation with me. Once we start the visits, hopefully she will trust me more.

Sending money -

Can't it be seen that I am committed to her? I mean, yeah she could just be using me and she might be, but isn't there the potential for her to realize that someone actually cares about her and is trying to support her? She seems to appreciate it, she tells me.

Where the money goes -

She did send me one receipt of her commissary. I am convinced that she isn't spending the money on drugs. She fills her box with food. She also buys shirts and stuff like that. She has purchased photos to send me. Sent me a greeting card. She puts effort into showing her appreciation back to me as much as she can. I'm sure the money is helping her with her basic needs. Being in jail before myself, I know how much it means to have some money on commissary.

Everyone's concerns -

Seems that no matter what I would say about us, I could not convince anyone that she isn't using me or that this could lead anywhere good.

I see all relationships in and out of prison to have issues. I've seen so many people break up after years of being together. So many marriages end in divorce. So many single parents running around. It seems that trying to be in any kind of serious relationship is a bad idea all together.

But sometimes life can get lonely or risk can be fun. What's life worth living without some pain?

I feel like her situation and my past are a good connection for us. I'd rather be with someone who's had some legal issues and drug issues and can understand me and me understand them.

It probably will fail. What do I know?

What do I really want out of it -

Well I wanted to get to know her more, and I am. I wanted to get to know other people in town more and I am. So it's pretty successful as far as that goes. I do want more from her.

If this fails -

I've been in numerous short time flings over the years and I spoil the hell out of women. Even women who I know for sure will lead to nothing. Whats the difference here? I'll still have a job, my own place, my friends, and plenty of online dating sites to meet more women. Life will go on.

God bless guys! I'll write again soon. Please keep checking in and I'll keep you updated. Even if we disagree! I appreciate your advice and support, that's why I'm here!
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Old 09-09-2019, 11:20 PM
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Let me clarify....my effort is not to say this is doomed. Itís to play Devilís Advocate the other way. I really am wishing you the best in whatever is coming and hope that none of my Devilís Advocate playing comes to pass.

Pulling for you.

-Eric
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  #19  
Old 09-10-2019, 03:36 AM
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Again, very grateful for all the feedback.

I was thinking and even if she did say that she wanted to be with me in a relationship, there is no way of knowing if she is honest. There's no way of knowing period in this situation really. She could tell me anything I want to hear just to use me. Yet she says she wants to start as friends. So I see that as her being honest and cautious, maybe not that she isn't interested in me. Her grandma asked if we were dating and she said she told her no because we haven't even met yet. She said she talks to her grandma about me during visits like 75% of the time.

More about what I wanted initially -

I will say that I wrote a handful of people at the beginning. I wrote at least 6 or 8 people from my town who got put in prison. All customers. Half male and half female. To get to know them, maybe to help them. Just for something to do. I also went on to write a handful of girls incarcerated in my same state from writeaprisoner. Some wrote back and some didn't. Years previously I had written personal friends in prison. So it's not my first time.

I wanted pen pals.

I also wanted to get to know people from my town.

I also wanted to potentially help and date this girl and maybe others.

I wanted a potential female pen pal to take my focus off of dating sites. To get off of them and focus all my time and energy on one girl.

So that's what I've been doing.

Since this girl wrote me back, I solely have focused on her. Another girl from this town who is in the same prison she does not get along with. I wrote both at first. Did not know they didn't get along.

After the letter in which she told me that she wanted to be single a year, I decided to get back on dating sites and to send another letter to this girl she doesn't like. Not to make her mad but if I'm not tied down, then I'm not tied down. Anyway she called me and we have seemed to straighten things out and things go better on the phone. I told her about the dating sites and getting back on them.

I mentioned this in the beginning here where I said that she seems to want to have me committed to her and her not be fully committed to me. Not that she is talking to other guys, but that she insists that we are just friends.

Yet she also says things like "babe" "much love" and talks about things we will do together so it is very confusing.

I'm sure the visit tonight will go wonderful. I don't want to drive all that way and spend the money and not have it be good. Yet at the same time I will ask more questions about her past and about her future. I won't pussyfoot about stuff. I just hope that she gets more comfortable with me and I hope that she shows some true signs of wanting to change.

Also someone mentioned how the prison shows are fake. Has anyone actually watched love after lockup? Lol that show is a horror story. It shows tons of the bad that can come from these types of relationships. I don't think it glamorizes anything at all.
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Old 09-10-2019, 04:29 AM
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She's 21 and in prison and a drug addict... she'll tell you anything you want to hear and you might only hear what you want to hear.
I still have a zillion red flags in front of my eyes reading your posts. Seems almost like you're trying to convince yourself first.
If you're lonely and longing for a relationship try it the old-fashioned way and stay away from online dating forums including Write a Prisoner - which is really not a dating-site...
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Old 09-10-2019, 05:59 AM
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She's 21 and in prison and a drug addict... she'll tell you anything you want to hear and you might only hear what you want to hear.
I still have a zillion red flags in front of my eyes reading your posts. Seems almost like you're trying to convince yourself first.
If you're lonely and longing for a relationship try it the old-fashioned way and stay away from online dating forums including Write a Prisoner - which is really not a dating-site...
I think Write a Prisoner is a dating site and I also think I am doing it the old fashioned way. The girl I am writing is local. I already knew somewhat about her and seen her. I know people who know her and her mom. She will be returning to this community. I'm a guy who kind of had a crush or interested and reached out.
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Old 09-10-2019, 06:31 AM
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Write a prisoner is a pen-pal site like many other pen-pal sites that service to men/women inmates. Most men/women inmates use the site looking for something more than a pen-pal. Others use it for pen-pal's and networking. It's not a dating site.
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Old 09-10-2019, 06:53 AM
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Write a prisoner is a pen-pal site like many other pen-pal sites that service to men/women inmates. Most men/women inmates use the site looking for something more than a pen-pal. Others use it for pen-pal's and networking. It's not a dating site.
OK so most use it for dating but it's not a dating site. Got ya. I get it, it's a pen-pal website. The layout is very similar to dating sites. (Pictures and profiles) Well I don't use it so doesn't really matter. I wrote some girls on there and some wrote back but thats where it stopped.

To the person who mentioned he would support his girl if she went to the moon -

The way I look at it is that if she can't decide that she wants to be with me after supporting her for 9 months in many ways, then there is no reason for me to wait any longer.

If people think there are red flags now, why waste another year of my life? 9 months I will be fine. Around the time she gets released is my birthday and income tax return. I will be great either way.

She will keep me busy as I pick up work around Christmas time. My schedule gets very busy as I work multiple jobs. (help with UPS)

Her sobriety is very important to me. I want to see her do well whether we are together or not. I don't think moving away to a recovery home is what is best for her personally. One of the main things I am pushing is therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy. I told her I am willing to pay for it and provide her transportation. She needs one on one counseling. She has had bad childhood, adult life and now prison to mess her up. She needs to learn to deal with her problems in positive ways. Therapy I think is the missing key in a lot of ex-inmates lives. It should be #1. Then comes work, AA, Church, etc. She needs to get to the root of why she did the drugs. The drugs are just a symptom.

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  #24  
Old 09-10-2019, 07:22 AM
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The drugs are just the symptoms? So she's in for symptoms?
Your sobriety should be your first priority and not hers. It's nice that you care but all your focus or most of your focus should be on your sobriety and well-being.
You know, if you have money to throw around, I'm still a good-looking woman for my age and I'll be moving to Florida shortly, I could use a few things that would make me real happy...a fridge full of wine, a bed, some other stuff for the flat like rugs, I really need new pots & pans... you know.. starting new
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Old 09-10-2019, 07:41 AM
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To the person who mentioned he would support his girl if she went to the moon -

The way I look at it is that if she can't decide that she wants to be with me after supporting her for 9 months in many ways, then there is no reason for me to wait any longer.
.
This is so creepy and offputting. Youíre trying to purchase her affection and commitment and you clearly will have a problem with it if she doesnít complete her end of the transaction. Hereís the thing though... this isnít a contract. Sheís under no obligation to be your girlfriend or give you a chance in any way whatsoever, no matter what you give her. No matter how much you give her. No obligation. None.

Also... I never said the television shows were romanticizing prison relationships. I said YOU were, because you are titillated by what you see on tv. Itís ok... you definitely arenít the first guy (or girl) on this forum who has a prison fetish and a savior complex wrapped into one. Iím just observing that you are in a pretty damn typical situation here, and the outcome is rarely what you went looking for. Whatever though, youíve got it all figured out.
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