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  #1  
Old 02-16-2019, 05:04 PM
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Post Rules of a Domestic Violence Restraining Order (State of California)

So on the day of my boyfriends arraignment, I told my DA that it was fine they placed a temporary restraining order against my boyfriend until the Prelim. Well the judge (against my consent) went ahead and put a 3 year Permanent Restraining Order against my boyfriend. I was never given any copies of said restraining order so I have no idea what I can/cannot do or what he can/cannot do...etc

I still love my boyfriend and Iím haunted that the last I heard from him/saw him was when he got arrested. That was over a month ago.

I donít know if each state is different as far as the rules go for Restraining Order but my questions are:

1. Will I, my boyfriend, and or my boyfriends family get in trouble if I choose to (by my own will) reach out to his father to get updates on my boyfriend?

2. What are the correct forms to appeal a Restraining Order? I found these but theyíre a bit confusing. (I do understand having a restraining order until the prelim so it protects him from getting in more trouble. (For example: maybe he might accidentally say something when all calls are recorded that gets him into even more trouble...etc) I just donít see the point in a restraining order once heís in prison. He will be in prison.

Hereís the site I found with a bunch of links: courts.ca.gov/34737.htm

Here is one of the many links contained in the site above. Is this the right one?: courts.ca.gov/documents/fl300.pdf
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Old 02-16-2019, 05:18 PM
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That's a good question, what good will a restraining order do while he is in prison? If he tried to call you, you would have to accept the call in order to talk to him. I guess he could send you a letter?

In my opinion, too much of what the courts (and their PO employees) do is legal boilerplate stuff, written by lawyers attempting to cover every conceivable action with the same blanket.
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:11 PM
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Ya. Iíve tried to make it known to my detective on my case, that Iím not interested in a restraining order once heís sentenced. But no one returns my calls. So I mean, I might just violate it once the prelim is done. I have no idea what the rules are?
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:51 PM
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Sure, go ahead, violate the court's restraining order....may be it'll be worth it, may be it won't. But, he's the one that will get in trouble if he has an order against contacting you and he talks, writes, or sends 3rd party messages to you = not sure, new charges? more time? hole time? all three? Then ask yourself if it was worth it


My advice? Go to therapy. Leave him alone & allow him to get the help he needs without adding to his problems.
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:38 PM
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Sure, go ahead, violate the court's restraining order....may be it'll be worth it, may be it won't. But, he's the one that will get in trouble if he has an order against contacting you and he talks, writes, or sends 3rd party messages to you = not sure, new charges? more time? hole time? all three? Then ask yourself if it was worth it


My advice? Go to therapy. Leave him alone & allow him to get the help he needs without adding to his problems.
Okay.
That’s the last thing I’d want is to get him in trouble. I just feel that it’s wrong that if I were to contact him, then he would then have to face the consequences. When I never consented to the Permanent Restraining Order in the first place. He’s going to be in prison, and I just don’t understand the harm.

But if that’s what could really happen, then I couldn’t live with myself if I was the cause for him getting more time, or the hole.

It’s just me being selfish because I miss him so much. I’m just sad that no one from the legal department is getting back to me after I have left them messages. . I would like to be able to contact him in a legal way. That would be ideal.


Also, since we haven’t had the prelim yet and he hasn’t even been sentenced.
I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even ok to reach out to his family, specifically his dad.

I don’t want anyone getting in trouble. I can’t handle any more sadness upon anyone.
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:45 PM
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Ya. Iíve tried to make it known to my detective on my case, that Iím not interested in a restraining order once heís sentenced. But no one returns my calls. So I mean, I might just violate it once the prelim is done. I have no idea what the rules are?
They donít care if you want it or not. He committed a violent offense against a victim, and in their eyes, it would be neglectful to allow him access to his victim.

What if he had attacked someone on the street? Should they allow him to contact them? Itís not about you. Itís about him.

You have no idea what heís going through with incarceration. They could be monitoring his mail. They always monitor phone calls. All contacting him will do is open him up to more consequences.

I get that you miss him. You both have a lot of work to do on yourselves - take this time to do that. As sick as he may be, you are as well. Itís time for healing, and you cannot heal each other.
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Old 02-16-2019, 09:02 PM
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My Mr & I have had a no-contact (not DV though), it was a condition of my bond, then a condition of probation. I do understand and I do know how heartbroken and sad I was, how heartbroken and sad you are now....best you can do right now is take of you - hopefully he'd want that for you - and let him take care of what he needs to do to be with you when all this is said & done.
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Old 02-17-2019, 01:19 AM
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Originally Posted by fbopnomore View Post
That's a good question, what good will a restraining order do while he is in prison? If he tried to call you, you would have to accept the call in order to talk to him. I guess he could send you a letter?

In my opinion, too much of what the courts (and their PO employees) do is legal boilerplate stuff, written by lawyers attempting to cover every conceivable action with the same blanket.
What good would it do? You are aware that not all abuse is physical, right? You are aware that before physical abuse starts, thereís usually a long period of emotional and verbal abuse, right? You know that after a batterer physically harms his victim, they typically toy with the victimís emotions to regain their trust... right?

Barring the abuser from contact with their victim is crucial for recovery.

I have respect for you and your opinions, but Iíve read a couple of your posts regarding domestic abuse, and your opinions/advice on the subject are dangerously off the mark.
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Old 02-18-2019, 04:13 AM
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I understand why you disagree with my post in this thread, but frequent, dangerous comments about DV is inaccurate. I looked, and couldn't find another post from me about domestic violence anywhere in my last 400.
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Old 02-18-2019, 07:23 AM
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Its very standard for the courts to issue 3 yr restraining orders when DV is involved.
And yes, he could probably get into further trouble if you try to contact him.
Third party contact is also not allowed.

(like sending messages via his parents, friends)
Im not sure if simply speaking to his father would violate it, but truly its not a good idea.




The courts do this for your protection (mostly) and their own as well.
I cant tell you how many times in my county alone, someone violated a restraining order due to DV, the person got out on bond and violated. Nothing was done, and the next thing you know the victim is dead.
This opens up for a law suit (from family members of the victim) against the county.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:44 AM
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Quote:
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Its very standard for the courts to issue 3 yr restraining orders when DV is involved.
And yes, he could probably get into further trouble if you try to contact him.
Third party contact is also not allowed.

(like sending messages via his parents, friends)
Im not sure if simply speaking to his father would violate it, but truly its not a good idea.


The courts do this for your protection (mostly) and their own as well.
I cant tell you how many times in my county alone, someone violated a restraining order due to DV, the person got out on bond and violated. Nothing was done, and the next thing you know the victim is dead.
This opens up for a law suit (from family members of the victim) against the county.
Thatís the thing. His bail is soooo expensive. Heís not getting out. No one can afford it. From what Iíve been told, no matter what heís going to prison.
And thatís why in my situation, I feel the RO is totally unnecessary. Heís going to be in prison. If I want to see him, and he wants to see me...whatís the harm? He will be in prison.
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Old 02-19-2019, 11:22 AM
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What is the harm?

So, you want to contact him and he wants to contact you pretrial. Cool! He can convince you to change your story and maybe even not show up for trial so that your ass can wind up in prison for violating a subpoena. This will be his misguided effort to get to walk - you do a little time, and because you don,t show up, he thinks he can skate. Reality, they don,t need you to convict as they have police testimony, medical testimony, neighbor testimony and anything else they can come up with. They are used to abusers manipulating their victims in hopes of getting off. It doesn’t work. But, hey, you want to communicate with him and you think it is unfair that you are being treated by the courts just like every other victim. You are the exception, so it is just so unfair!

Then you want to contact him in prison once he is sentenced. You don,t want to do therapy, Don,t want to let him do his therapy and classes - you just want to talk with him because you miss him so. And I bet you think that he can live with you, parole out to you when he is done. That is a fantasy.

He needs to do his therapy and his classes. He can't do that effectively with you communicating with him because you miss him and think that this is just so unfair. You need to do your therapy and not communicate with him so that it is effective. they know that if you communicate during therapy, he will undermine that therapy, and his habit of manipulating you will undermine his therapy. I really don't care if you don,t think that he manipulates you or not - that is the case in 99% of these cases and you are stuck.

You both have to do your work. Once you have actual professsionals saying that contact between you, through an intermediary, in couples therapy is a good idea, then you can petition to modify the protective order. Until then, you are stuck. You can moan about the whole thing or you can do your therapy so that when he is off parole you can petition to modify.

Just an FYI, those 3 years are tolled while he is in jail or prison. One of his conditions of probation will be no contact with his victim. While in jail awaiting sentencing, contact with you will lead to another charge - witness tampering. Contact through his father just makes him an accessory to witness tampering, giving him a nice record and a stay in jail.

You don't think it is fair - fine. Now do the work necessary to get to the point where a court will actually listen to you as somebody other than your standard, every day, run of the mill domestic violence victim crying about how unfair it is that she (or he) cannot get their fix of manipulation, gaslighting, psychological abuse.

Blunt, but I am in a blunt mood when it comes to this sort of thing today. Today I got to see another attorney hit with a baseball bat trying to protect his client from her abusive partner. In the parking lot. At the courthouse. Asshat abuser decided to try to brain his victim and her attorney decided to get in the way instead of just letting it happen.

This is not the first time any of us have experienced stuff like this. Personally, I am glad that this time it was just a baseball bat (Paul isn't, but he is in the hospital having surgery on his arm) and not a gun.
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Old 02-19-2019, 12:10 PM
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Plus I hope she'll survive his next attack and can read all this when laying in the hospital with broken bones and bruised all over... and just because she missed him...
Get a freaking grip darling... the law is there for a reason and obey to it.
You'll miss him even more when he's in prison for attempted murder... listen to the people who answer you on here - most of them have been through it.
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:18 PM
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Quote:
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What is the harm?

So, you want to contact him and he wants to contact you pretrial. Cool! He can convince you to change your story and maybe even not show up for trial so that your ass can wind up in prison for violating a subpoena. This will be his misguided effort to get to walk - you do a little time, and because you don,t show up, he thinks he can skate. Reality, they don,t need you to convict as they have police testimony, medical testimony, neighbor testimony and anything else they can come up with. They are used to abusers manipulating their victims in hopes of getting off. It doesnít work. But, hey, you want to communicate with him and you think it is unfair that you are being treated by the courts just like every other victim. You are the exception, so it is just so unfair!

Then you want to contact him in prison once he is sentenced. You don,t want to do therapy, Don,t want to let him do his therapy and classes - you just want to talk with him because you miss him so. And I bet you think that he can live with you, parole out to you when he is done. That is a fantasy.

He needs to do his therapy and his classes. He can't do that effectively with you communicating with him because you miss him and think that this is just so unfair. You need to do your therapy and not communicate with him so that it is effective. they know that if you communicate during therapy, he will undermine that therapy, and his habit of manipulating you will undermine his therapy. I really don't care if you don,t think that he manipulates you or not - that is the case in 99% of these cases and you are stuck.

You both have to do your work. Once you have actual professsionals saying that contact between you, through an intermediary, in couples therapy is a good idea, then you can petition to modify the protective order. Until then, you are stuck. You can moan about the whole thing or you can do your therapy so that when he is off parole you can petition to modify.

Just an FYI, those 3 years are tolled while he is in jail or prison. One of his conditions of probation will be no contact with his victim. While in jail awaiting sentencing, contact with you will lead to another charge - witness tampering. Contact through his father just makes him an accessory to witness tampering, giving him a nice record and a stay in jail.

You don't think it is fair - fine. Now do the work necessary to get to the point where a court will actually listen to you as somebody other than your standard, every day, run of the mill domestic violence victim crying about how unfair it is that she (or he) cannot get their fix of manipulation, gaslighting, psychological abuse.

Blunt, but I am in a blunt mood when it comes to this sort of thing today. Today I got to see another attorney hit with a baseball bat trying to protect his client from her abusive partner. In the parking lot. At the courthouse. Asshat abuser decided to try to brain his victim and her attorney decided to get in the way instead of just letting it happen.

This is not the first time any of us have experienced stuff like this. Personally, I am glad that this time it was just a baseball bat (Paul isn't, but he is in the hospital having surgery on his arm) and not a gun.
Idk where you got the idea that I wanted to contact him before the prelim? In my original post, I said I understood having an RO until after he was sentenced to avoid the potentiality of him getting into further trouble. I was saying, whatís the harm once heís been sentenced, since he will already be in prison. Thatís what I was saying. Also, people have been mentioning how he wonít be getting help in prison. But then thereís some who say he will be. I obviously donít want to get in the way of him healing.

In regards to missing trial dates. I sure hope that doesnít happen, because no one is getting back to me as far as my legal team goes. So I have no idea whatís going on or what day my prelim is actually on. Iím completely in the dark on everything. Iíve left texts and my father has even called to ask whatís going on, and Iím not hearing anything.

Also I noticed you mentioned, I donít want to do therapy. But Iím very much in therapy right now. I know I need it. I wanted to get in the day after he was arrested but sadly it took a month before I was able to be seen by anyone.
Also, I really want my boyfriend to get help, I want him to get therapy, but I canít make him. That has to be something he wants. The choice is his.

I still love him though. And as far as living together, actually we had talked about living separately before. Even before he got arrested.
Being new to the whole abuser mindset, I didnít realize that was a cry for help. He knew our living situation was toxic, but I really wanted to live with my boyfriend. I didnít understand at the time. But now Iím all for living separately once heís out. Whatever helps him heal, Iím gonna support.
Iím only human though. All of this happened a little over a month ago, and I just canít turn my love off like a light switch. It doesnít work that way with me.

Iím really sorry if Iíve upset a lot of you. I know this is a hard topic to discuss and itís a subject that is close to all of us.

However, Iím starting to see that I have an unpopular opinion, not just here but even with a few friends of mine (not all) I know not many are going to understand where Iím coming from. I probably should just stop talking about it. The last thing I want to do is cause any more people to be upset. Iím on Prison Talk because this is all new to me, but Iím really sorry for upsetting you guys. I truly am.
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:43 PM
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Honey, it’s not a difference of opinion that bothers people.

It’s the knowledge that you’re willingly risking your physical and mental well-being. Women are murdered every day by their Abusers. Friends, family, neighbors, or anyone who intervenes in abuse are at a much higher risk for being victims of murder. This isn’t a discussion about religion or politics where people are getting riled up. It’s a life or death discussion where you’re choosing danger for yourself and those around you. It’s going to be a little impassioned.

I’m glad you’re seeking therapy. You need a judgement free place to vent and work through everything you’ve been through. Physical abuse rarely comes out of nowhere - Abusers manipulate and twist their partners mentally and emotionally long before it gets to the point of physical abuse. They train you to believe you have a love like no other - that there can be no other, and that they’re broken and it’s your job to fix it.

No one blames you for having that mentality. It’s insidius and probably crept up without you ever knowing it.

I just hope you learn to love yourself. You deserve better and there’s better out there, even if you can’t see it now.
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Old 02-20-2019, 06:59 PM
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Love is just an emotion - it does not require an action.

Example: you fall in love with your best friend's husband - you don,t have to start flirting with him. You fall in love with the local priest - you don't have to invite him to dinner and dress in a provocative way. You fall in love with a 16 year old boy - you don,t have to put the moves on him. It is just an emotion - you do not have to act on emotions.

Sorry you had to deal with a month long wait for therapy. Most domestic violence shelters offer therapy and group therapy much quicker than that, whether you are a resident of the shelter or not.

You need to examine your concern for him. Yes, you cannot make him get help, and if he doesn,t get help, what are you going to do? An abuser who says that there is no help available in prison just doesn't want to push to get into therapy, take a batterers course, take anger management, or get involved in any of the other help available to them. In the words of one abuser - They don,t know what they are talking about. Or another favorite - I can take care of this myself. Ding, ding, ding - both are indications that they are not interested in changing.

Fact - it will be years before you are able to legally speak with the man. Use the time to get the help you need, quit worrying about him, and work through your emotions without acting on them.
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Old 02-20-2019, 07:01 PM
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My god, how many variation of this whole thing have I heard? It just boggles my mind. And every single one of these types of cases thinks that they are somehow special and none of it applies to them, especially the restraining order.

Personally, I love the people who just ignore the court order and then complain when he gets arrested while they are at dinner together. He gets hauled off in cuffs, she gets stuck with the bill. Priceless.
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Old 03-28-2019, 05:58 PM
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Question: This whole time I thought there was a restraining order placed against my boyfriend after the temporary one ran out, but it was actually all “hearsay” from a mutual friend who was in talks with my boyfriend. I myself have never seen any paperwork, signed any paperwork, nor has anyone from my team told me about the RO. I brought it up after I was told about it to others. Just assuming this whole time there was one.
It’s less than a month away from the actual prelim date, however I was able to schedule a visitation to see my boyfriend. Nothing kicked backed and I was confirmed to be able to go and visit him.

Honestly, I really was never verbally and or wrote to about this supposed “restraining order”

So my question is, I should be fine to see him then, right? The worst case scenario is that I would get turned away at the door? I’m just checking because, a family member of his also started following me on social media. (Which made me happy, because I miss my boyfriend) but with that, and the fact I was able to schedule a visit with no issues, makes me feel like there was never one to begin with (after the temporary orders expired)
Which I’m totally fine with.

I just don’t want anyone getting into trouble. But at the same time, I really honestly don’t see the harm in visiting if I wasn’t informed of a Restraining Order after the temps expired.

Anyone have any knowledge on this?
I hope this makes sense. I feel like I repeated myself aloooot. Lol
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Old 03-28-2019, 06:45 PM
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Question: This whole time I thought there was a restraining order placed against my boyfriend after the temporary one ran out, but it was actually all ďhearsayĒ from a mutual friend who was in talks with my boyfriend. I myself have never seen any paperwork, signed any paperwork, nor has anyone from my team told me about the RO. I brought it up after I was told about it to others. Just assuming this whole time there was one.
Itís less than a month away from the actual prelim date, however I was able to schedule a visitation to see my boyfriend. Nothing kicked backed and I was confirmed to be able to go and visit him.

Honestly, I really was never verbally and or wrote to about this supposed ďrestraining orderĒ

So my question is, I should be fine to see him then, right? The worst case scenario is that I would get turned away at the door? Iím just checking because, a family member of his also started following me on social media. (Which made me happy, because I miss my boyfriend) but with that, and the fact I was able to schedule a visit with no issues, makes me feel like there was never one to begin with (after the temporary orders expired)
Which Iím totally fine with.

I just donít want anyone getting into trouble. But at the same time, I really honestly donít see the harm in visiting if I wasnít informed of a Restraining Order after the temps expired.

Anyone have any knowledge on this?
I hope this makes sense. I feel like I repeated myself aloooot. Lol
You're the victim. Dont go and visit. You'll make things worse for him.

You're not paying attention to anything written here and asking the same questions hoping to find someone to agree with you.

You have too much concern for him. He's a grown man. You're more concerned with his healing than your own. These are the red flags. This is the biggest problem.

You need distance and space to see things clearly. Be careful with his family following you. They could be looking for ammunition to use again you in court. You dont know what you're dealing with.

Let this court stuff happen and continue therapy.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:30 PM
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To be honest I donít know why you are posting as you are determined to try and visit this guy. You have been told of the possible consequences of visiting yet you keep posting hoping someone will say yeah go girl. This is a support site no one is going to cheer you on while you dive into a snake pit.
Please get a DV counsellor have your therapy and maybe as part of your recovery your therapist will recommend a visit. Thatís the right way to do it.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
You're the victim. Dont go and visit. You'll make things worse for him.

You're not paying attention to anything written here and asking the same questions hoping to find someone to agree with you.

You have too much concern for him. He's a grown man. You're more concerned with his healing than your own. These are the red flags. This is the biggest problem.

You need distance and space to see things clearly. Be careful with his family following you. They could be looking for ammunition to use again you in court. You dont know what you're dealing with.

Let this court stuff happen and continue therapy.
Iím so confused. If thereís no restraining order, then how will it make it worse for him? I read about so many others who get to visit their significant others in jail/prison.

People were telling me not to go before, before I found out that this RO could of been false this whole time. No one has actually talked to me about it.
So it changes everything.

And what could his family use against me? I guess Iím just confused by your response.
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Old 03-28-2019, 09:04 PM
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Quote:
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To be honest I donít know why you are posting as you are determined to try and visit this guy. You have been told of the possible consequences of visiting yet you keep posting hoping someone will say yeah go girl. This is a support site no one is going to cheer you on while you dive into a snake pit.
Please get a DV counsellor have your therapy and maybe as part of your recovery your therapist will recommend a visit. Thatís the right way to do it.
What are the consequences of visiting, if thereís actually no restraining order? Before I thought there was one, until I really thought about it, and I myself havenít been told of said restraining order by anyone on my team. It was all ďhearsayĒ I have been in therapy, and my therapist never advised me against going and seeing him, but then again we didnít talk about it much because this whole time I thought there was a Restraining Order.

Look. My last memory of him is when he was getting cuffed and put into a squad SUV and then I never saw/heard from him again. Itís literally torn me up. And people keep saying ďoh with time....etcĒ

But this is someone I truly love. And yes, he has demons. Iím not condoning his actions. But I canít just walk away. I donít want him to just be out of my life, unless he no longer wants me in his. So I just donít understand whatís so wrong if thereís no restraining order. Thatís what Iím getting at.

No one has actually told me about a restraining order, therefore legally, him not I could get in trouble then right? (Iím talking legally)
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Old 03-28-2019, 09:17 PM
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Iím sorry if Iím upsetting anyone. I know not everyone is going to understand my way of thinking. (Believe me, Iíve lost friends and family over it)
But in therapy I learned about self care and anything negative towards our relationship, Iím just choosing to block out of my life for my own healing and it has made me feel better. I canít handle anymore negativity.

So seeing him is something I also think will help with my healing, and the fact the jail didnít deny my scheduled visit, should mean I have the green light, right?

Iím so new to all of this. Iíve never been to a jail to visit someone. Iím just looking to see if thereís no restraining order, then legally I should be ok?

Plus he has reading glasses Iím going to drop off. Theyíll have to go through inspection. But everyone deserves the right to be able to see/read. So I figured Iíd try and schedule a visit. Them turning me away would be the worst that would happen, right? (if the restraining order ends up being true. Itís just weird because Iíve never been told about it by my team) And worse case, if I canít see him, then at least I can drop off his glasses. Iím really the only person able to do this. None of his family lives in the same state.

I just want to make sure it will be fine, and I promise Iíll stop posting in this forum, since Iím really upsetting everyone. Which I donít think I can take any more of either. Iím truly sorry. I think this experience is something I just need to live and learn for myself. Iím not ready to throw in the towel. Iím sorry.
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Old 03-28-2019, 10:38 PM
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I donít know that anyone here can give you what youíre looking for. We donít know if you have a restraining order, nor do we know if trying to visit him will have consequences. People have laid out the potential issues you could run into. Whether or not you choose to roll the dice is up to you.

Best of luck to you, regardless of the path you take
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Old 03-29-2019, 03:53 AM
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Default Rules of a Domestic Violence Restraining Order (State of California)

You are not upsetting anyone but yourself. You are missing the point as itís not about a restraining order. Itís about your recovery as a a victim of DV . Itís good you are in therapy and you need to tell your therapist that you are planning to visit him. I doubt they would support it as you need to be in recovery and you are clearly not. You are making excuses for him. You not thinking about him either.
Ok so you visit him and he gets out. What has changed? Nothing . So he hurts you again because he has demons - your words. He is arrested and he is charged again this time itís far more serious. He is s repeat offender. The court doesnít doesnít care about demons they care about his behaviour and protecting victims.
It could stop here it doesnít have to go on for you or him. You both need support and treatment. Leave this toxic situation alone for your sake and his. Have your therapy and he needs to do the same. People are going to get hurt and not just you. Please think about that.
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Last edited by maytayah; 03-29-2019 at 03:57 AM..
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