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  #1  
Old 09-27-2014, 08:59 PM
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Question Why does your LO keep going to jail?

Why does your LO keep going to jail? Why does he keep re-offending? At what point do you decide enough is enough and put an end to it?

I did two years in prison and I promise you I learned my lesson before I even got there. I would never, ever do anything to jeopardize my freedom and risk going back. It astounds me that some people don't seem to mind it. But at what point do you decide that this is never going to get better and that this person is never going to change?
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  #2  
Old 09-27-2014, 09:10 PM
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I feel like this question fits better here in this forum. For some inmates, I think, they might have tons of family members in prison and so this life is all they know hence why jail/prison is a revolving door for them. I think maybe when they get a lot older and see how much time they spent doing time is when they figure enough is enough, though each person obviously has their own rock bottom. I hope my fiancé doesn't ever go back. This was his first time getting in trouble and none of his family had ever gone to prison, so nobody knew how to deal with this. As for me, if he gets in trouble again, I don't know if I'd stick around again. If he accidentally violates parole, then yes I probably would stay, but purposefully doing anything bad, then no.
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Old 09-27-2014, 09:59 PM
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This is my LO's first time ever and for me this is enough. If he was to ever get in trouble again after getting out, I would not stick around. I hear the complaining of having to be there everyday, how sad he is to be away from family and sorry he is for hurting everyone. Those things need to be remembered when they are in the free world. I'm with you on the fact that I don't get how people clearly hate having to be in prison and/or probation but yet do something to land themselves right back in. It shocks me on how few the system/punishments seem to really deter.
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Old 09-27-2014, 10:07 PM
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Some keep going back because they enjoy it. They feel a sense of power and importance inside. My ex husband started in and out of the system very young, he was institutionalized. But his family kept being there and still is to this day, they send money, packages, put money on the phones. He lives for it. Out here, he could never adjust and always used being a felon as an excuse. Sad because there are so many success stories.

I always think back to Shawshank Redemption and the old man who was the librarian in prison and got out very old and sadly took his own life because he knew no other life than prison.
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Old 09-28-2014, 12:08 AM
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Who wants to employs an ex prisoner...scenario: Walk through the prison door to civvy street, a couple of quid in your pocket, nobody to meet you, you belong nowhere except with the old crowd...
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Old 09-28-2014, 03:44 AM
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Lack of positive role models, home environment,deep issues of shame, pain,anger, that may fuel addictions that result in criminal behavior, mental health issues,many sociopaths,some have no conscience and just don't care,some are institutionalized and truly cannot cope or maintain long term employment so they are comfortable in prison,some are just broken human beings, some were so severely abused they truly cannot love themselves or others. Most in prison have deep issues that if not resolved will just continue to perpetuate the same criminal and hurtful behavior towards themselves or others. Many women believe their "love" can save a broken man. While everyone does need love, no human can fix another human being. I believe in the power of God but the person also has to do their fair share of hard work and get help,many times long term help and if they don't, sadly it becomes a cycle of poor choices and behavior.
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Old 09-28-2014, 05:30 AM
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My husband and I both went to prison twice. For me, I had not hit rock bottom during that first stint. It was my second stint that did it for me and I have to admit, I am much happier now and love the life I have.

Now, having said all of that, I have a younger sister who was always the 'good' one of the two of us. She's been down feds once, and now she's got a 1st degree that was enhanced due to her history.

I know why my husband and I committed the crimes we did, not that our excuses were right, I do understand what we did, why we did it, and what we had to do to stop going there. My sister on the other hand is really good at hiding and I just found out that she has been committing the same type of crime over and over and over again. The only reason she is just now going down for a second time is because her husband had the money to pay restitution on the last two felonies and they gave her probation. Now, she is sitting in county, getting ready to pull chain, and when I talk to her, it's like she is messed up in the head. She's gotten so used to lying to different people about different things that she can't remember what she has said and when. Yet, my family (myself included), are still there for her. Although in my case, I keep copies of every correspondence I have with her because I don't want to get caught up in some of the mess she has a way of stirring up. What astounds me though is this: the first time I went to prison all of my blood family, except for my sister, turned their back on me and until this day only a very few will tolerate me based on my history. Yet, my sisters history is so much more than mine, but we are all supporting her, even with us knowing she is lying. I would love to be able to talk to her straight up but anytime that happens she closes down.

So when should I give up? You know, they gave up on me and I made it out, got an education, have a great job, and a really good life. When my sister gets out, she could still have a great life, the difference is she can do whatever she wants, deny it, blame it on someone else, or even try to get someone else to take the charge for her. Yet, we all will be there for her because somehow out of the two of us, she is the weak one who is supposed to be defended, shielded, and taken care of. I have no other words than my own experience, I hope this adds to this conversation. Be blessed.
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:22 AM
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Drugs, specifically alcohol and heroin.

He has been down a long time now... and I know if he is ever released he will not go back to those habits.
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Old 09-28-2014, 09:18 AM
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I was arrested one time and ended up doing 10 years. I HATED jails and prisons and I can't even count the number of women returning - time after time.
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Old 09-28-2014, 11:30 AM
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I did 6 years and came to know a lot of guys who “are somebody” inside the fence but it was obvious to me would never be considered to “be somebody” outside. A good number of them couldn’t handle that, felt better, liked their life better inside (despite their griping), and so kept coming back. They were probably better off inside--- family outside to play for sympathy and support, almost no responsibilities to address or decisions to make, crappy medical care provided, educational opportunities that they never took advantage of, etc...

When do you stop putting up with it and being supportive? That’s your call. Might be that somebody just had to do a second stint before figuring anything out, but if you’re looking at a third-timer or worse, that’s likely somebody who just won’t stop doing the revolving door thing. If that’s the case, you’ll end up needing to put yourself first and get on with your life before you get badly damaged by the process.

Stay well and good luck with however it goes for you.
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Old 09-28-2014, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by safran View Post
I was arrested one time and ended up doing 10 years. I HATED jails and prisons and I can't even count the number of women returning - time after time.
That was something I saw also. Even now, I walked out with two good friends and there are others that we keep up with and there are a couple of ladies who keep going back. I guess for them, they just did not have the skills and/or the support to be able to deal with the world.

Honestly, I worry about my sister though. She has pretty much been bailed out of everything and then she is always the 'victim', according to her anyway. The truth behind it though is this, she values the dollar sign more than she does her freedom or her kids. If she didn't, she would not keep doing the same thing over and over again. I'm involved in this incarceration because her husband thinks I can help her, because I have done it, but until she takes responsibility for her actions, she'll never stop and that makes me sad. Honestly, I am surprised that her husband has not left her, and I am not real sure that he won't while she is gone. He loves her dearly but she has put him and the kids through the wringer. She commits these white collared crimes for money, yet she managed to bankrupt her family and they lost everything last year trying to pay for her defense and she can't even see beyond herself to be able to see what she has done to her family. I am afraid that if she does not get a grip she'll die in the system and that would be devastating to our parents. For now though, I'll give it everything I have to support her, although, I think there will be some pretty nasty letters coming between her and I because there are some things that somebody needs to point out to her and it looks like I am going to do it. Honestly though, I will piss her off every day of my life if that is what it takes to get her to pull her head out of her rear end and make some changes for herself.
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Old 10-13-2014, 07:20 PM
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My bro is in and out. Prison just isn't a deterrent and he likes to feel a thrill of getting away with stuff. The more risky the activity, the more he wants to do it. Hell, he left the Army after deciding jumping out of airplanes is too boring.

When I was 9-10, I got in big trouble for saying that by the time my brother was 30, he'd be a millionaire or in prison. Is he a millionaire? Dunno - he's able to afford decent representation (no, not me, I'd never take that representation).

For those who are the spouses or gf/bf of the inmate, getting out is an option. I'm a sister. I can't get out. Distance, however, is my bestie when it comes to him.

So, why does he go back - he likes thrills on the outside and the inside isn't a deterrent.
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellboy View Post
Why does your LO keep going to jail? Why does he keep re-offending? At what point do you decide enough is enough and put an end to it?

I did two years in prison and I promise you I learned my lesson before I even got there. I would never, ever do anything to jeopardize my freedom and risk going back. It astounds me that some people don't seem to mind it. But at what point do you decide that this is never going to get better and that this person is never going to change?
Well I don't think he'll ever change from the guy I love. But right now I feel like enough is enough. He does too. My husband is a drug addict, he sold drugs to support his habit not to make money. We both agree life is more then prison. I can't do this again either can he. We are both clean, I could have stayed and continued getting high but I couldn't either if you know what I mean. He's really sick now so I know getting high is bottom of the list. Maybe getting sick was a good thing for him. All I know is I love him and would do anything to keep us together.
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Old 10-14-2016, 01:14 PM
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Has anyone read Arrested: What to Do When Your Loved One's in Jail

, and what did you think of his list of questions to ask before deciding on "should I stay or should I go"?

He's got a long list, like whether the person lies, whether the person knows when classes start at the community college, and many more. It's not part of the excerpts in Google Books.

There's no scoring system at the bottom like there is in all the magazine quizzes. He promises that once you've worked your way to the end of the questions you'll know what to do without having to count your answers.
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Old 12-31-2017, 12:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Summerlove92 View Post
Lack of positive role models, home environment,deep issues of shame, pain,anger, that may fuel addictions that result in criminal behavior, mental health issues,many sociopaths,some have no conscience and just don't care,some are institutionalized and truly cannot cope or maintain long term employment so they are comfortable in prison,some are just broken human beings, some were so severely abused they truly cannot love themselves or others. Most in prison have deep issues that if not resolved will just continue to perpetuate the same criminal and hurtful behavior towards themselves or others. Many women believe their "love" can save a broken man. While everyone does need love, no human can fix another human being. I believe in the power of God but the person also has to do their fair share of hard work and get help,many times long term help and if they don't, sadly it becomes a cycle of poor choices and behavior.

I am going through this/seeing this with mine as we speak. Nothing to add except i've never since joining here said i can and shall "save a broken messed up young man or any age."You're right on that. I see that many times in the advocate work i do,and inmates wives etc.al., fiancee/girlfriends and i know you're just not able to "save a guy in or out of prison."Even if mine always tell me, "You've saved me."I kept telling him,don't say that."
-
I already know this is truth. Great post and icam. Time will tell what will happen with us, as i pray for him at church today as in the yes, power of GOD does exist, but as i said in new threads, he has to do his share/be strong and realize it before it is too late.Following the "weak" negative life in his "hood" shall get him right back inside. But he has to live with his own choices, as he has ZERO reason to not realize and make the right ones. Adios y' feliz ano nuevo!(happy new year to all here at wonderful PTO support site) hugs -n- blessings.
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Old 03-24-2018, 04:06 PM
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Default My Son is a 3rd Timer

Know you posted this along time ago; but thank you my son is a 3rd timer for a sentence of 12 years but already eligible for parole in Jan. 2019. I guess I am one of those who have decided not to be supportive, have been for the last 20+ years. My only child who is 37 years old this last January and * love him with all my heart, love him enough to hurt, cry, give him up in case there is a chance that he gets right without the support. I want a differ result, so I am doing the only thing I haven't done, plus told him I would not be there for him if he went back, he went back so I am not there. I just had no idea that he would get that many years when I said that, but I said it and I meant it, so no phone calls, no visits, no sending money, no returning letters or communication. So thank your for your post, hurts like hell that he may not be able to come around; but praying & believing that he will get it right and praying for a miracle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Combs View Post
I did 6 years and came to know a lot of guys who “are somebody” inside the fence but it was obvious to me would never be considered to “be somebody” outside. A good number of them couldn’t handle that, felt better, liked their life better inside (despite their griping), and so kept coming back. They were probably better off inside--- family outside to play for sympathy and support, almost no responsibilities to address or decisions to make, crappy medical care provided, educational opportunities that they never took advantage of, etc...

When do you stop putting up with it and being supportive? That’s your call. Might be that somebody just had to do a second stint before figuring anything out, but if you’re looking at a third-timer or worse, that’s likely somebody who just won’t stop doing the revolving door thing. If that’s the case, you’ll end up needing to put yourself first and get on with your life before you get badly damaged by the process.

Stay well and good luck with however it goes for you.
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:05 PM
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I believe some have an addiction to criminal activity. It's like any addiction they get high from it. That's what my boyfriend was treated for and he has done very well since.
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Old 03-25-2018, 08:39 AM
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Kimimi:

Thank you for sharing, I never had heard about an addiction to criminal activity, I will have to do some research. Thank you and I am so gald your boyfriend is doing very well!

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I believe some have an addiction to criminal activity. It's like any addiction they get high from it. That's what my boyfriend was treated for and he has done very well since.
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Old 03-27-2018, 07:28 PM
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I believe some have an addiction to criminal activity. It's like any addiction they get high from it. That's what my boyfriend was treated for and he has done very well since.
aw good to hear chica,
some are just psychologically disturbed, clearly damage from UN-RESOLVED FAMILIA conflicts since a child et.al.,
are also too compounded with no therapy while INSIDE/NO EDUCATION/INSIDE no finding out who they really are et.al.,

and once released, returning to same area is bad for most i've met and or known and or related to(few were smart)to move et.al., they have when released from prison,

no real life on the outside,and or have the perfect person for them, to "make it"and really be happy and yet blow it. so i am happy your guy is well,doing well with you and keeping you, like you deserve, and that's happy,and himself.God bless. adios. hugs and blessings.
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CONSISTENCY..."is key.
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Without "action" applied to his words, it's not real.#DON'T SETTLE.
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Old 03-27-2018, 11:22 PM
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Quote:
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Know you posted this along time ago; but thank you my son is a 3rd timer for a sentence of 12 years but already eligible for parole in Jan. 2019. I guess I am one of those who have decided not to be supportive, have been for the last 20+ years. My only child who is 37 years old this last January and * love him with all my heart, love him enough to hurt, cry, give him up in case there is a chance that he gets right without the support. I want a differ result, so I am doing the only thing I haven't done, plus told him I would not be there for him if he went back, he went back so I am not there. I just had no idea that he would get that many years when I said that, but I said it and I meant it, so no phone calls, no visits, no sending money, no returning letters or communication. So thank your for your post, hurts like hell that he may not be able to come around; but praying & believing that he will get it right and praying for a miracle.
As painful as I know it can be even knowing he got a longer sentence this time, its tough love. I believe in tough love and I hope your son gets it right this time.
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:52 PM
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Thank you ItsMe81: So many times I question my decision, still doing tough love and I too hope my son gets it right this time. Just wondering what has reinforced your belief in tough love? Anyways just wanted to say thank you for your post.

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As painful as I know it can be even knowing he got a longer sentence this time, its tough love. I believe in tough love and I hope your son gets it right this time.
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Old 04-11-2018, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by SeekingJoy View Post
Thank you ItsMe81: So many times I question my decision, still doing tough love and I too hope my son gets it right this time. Just wondering what has reinforced your belief in tough love? Anyways just wanted to say thank you for your post.
In certain instances of me being a parent I had to stand firm in my belief. Back when my son turned 15 he was with someone that committed a felony burglary. Even tho he only was the look out state of Indiana charged him with it as well. Juvenile, home detention, and then 6 months of probation felt like forever. I made him cut off with a lot of friends and even though he fought me on it he finally realized Moms right I'm gonna screw up. When we do harsh stipulations its not because we don't love them its the complete opposite. Your son I'm sure is realizing you meant what u said and knows you are tired. I hope he uses this time to reflect on everything.
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  #23  
Old 04-13-2018, 09:44 AM
SeekingJoy SeekingJoy is offline
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Thank you ItsMe81 for sharing your story and your absolutely right, we do this out of love hoping that they will change and make positive choices where the consequences are good and that they can have a better life. Because I sure am not doing it for myself as it is harder than crap.

My son is an adult 37 years old now; but still holding on to my faith and belief that he can change, so I hope you are right that he has some true realization that I'm sick and tired of his bad choices and that maybe it will be enough to propell him to really want a better life for himself and that he will start dealing and move in a positive direction to start fixing his problems, addictions, habits, thinking and quit blaming everything else including me and take responsibility for his life, his choices.

Glad your son came around, thanks again for sharing!


Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsMe81 View Post
In certain instances of me being a parent I had to stand firm in my belief. Back when my son turned 15 he was with someone that committed a felony burglary. Even tho he only was the look out state of Indiana charged him with it as well. Juvenile, home detention, and then 6 months of probation felt like forever. I made him cut off with a lot of friends and even though he fought me on it he finally realized Moms right I'm gonna screw up. When we do harsh stipulations its not because we don't love them its the complete opposite. Your son I'm sure is realizing you meant what u said and knows you are tired. I hope he uses this time to reflect on everything.
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  #24  
Old 04-13-2018, 03:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekingJoy View Post
Thank you ItsMe81 for sharing your story and your absolutely right, we do this out of love hoping that they will change and make positive choices where the consequences are good and that they can have a better life. Because I sure am not doing it for myself as it is harder than crap.

My son is an adult 37 years old now; but still holding on to my faith and belief that he can change, so I hope you are right that he has some true realization that I'm sick and tired of his bad choices and that maybe it will be enough to propell him to really want a better life for himself and that he will start dealing and move in a positive direction to start fixing his problems, addictions, habits, thinking and quit blaming everything else including me and take responsibility for his life, his choices.

Glad your son came around, thanks again for sharing!
One of the nice things about my job is that I do get to experience change in others. It's depressing as hell to see a kid running afoul of the law for the first time and have him bristle the entire way through the process - the PSI is dumb, going to therapy is stupid, meeting with the PO is a waste of time, and if everybody (especially his parents) would just leave him alone, everything would be fine. These are the guys you shake your head at, know they will be lucky to stay out on bail without a few bail condition violations and failures to appear, and maybe even an absconding because taking off for Colorado or Florida is much more appealing than dealing with a drug or burglary charge or something.

There are the 70 year olds who still haven't learned, even when they have a car and a family (including a mom who's stayed alive to see him a free man) and a place to live. They still find themselves in court, awaiting sentencing on a new charge or a PV.

But sometimes there are people that totally surprise you. I mean, there's the 19 year old at the alternative school busted for trying to shoplift a bunch of vodka from the store where his girlfriend works who then turns around and sends you various notifications - graduation, wedding announcement, birth of a child. There's the 35 year old with a rap sheet as long as Kareem Abdul Jabar's wingspan and includes a hate crime and a sex offense who turns around and has the rights of his baby momma terminated because she's an addict who puts his brand new baby girl in jeopardy of serious bodily injury or death. He jumps through every hoop Children,s Services puts in front of him, gets a job, joins the union, gets a mortgage, and calls me once a year to let me know how well his baby girl is doing even though she's now a freshman in high school. There are kids now adults asking for referrals for real estate attorneys and business law attorneys. There are adults who've finally figured out how much of life they've missed out on by doing the prison thing who make a concerted effort to change and embrace doing something other than prison and crime.

It happens all the time. It sucks that it feels rare, especially when your brother is on his DUI 5 in Wisconsin and they are waiting to decide whether they are going to go after him for the drug thing again, depending on whether the Feds step in, again. From the inside - from witnessing and experiencing decade after decade of crime by my brother - that feels like nothing will ever change. From the attorney side, where I have access to the lives of more than just my brother, there is change. Look at that recidivism rate. It feels like a "cup half empty" statistic telling you the probability of him going back again and again. But the other side of that statistic is the "cup half full" portion - those who will never go back to prison again.

We have to deal with the reality of our loved ones being in prison. Again. And sometimes for a steep number of years. but it behooves us to remember - there is nothing given in this world. Going back again after this current hitch may feel like inevitable, but it's not. We must wait for the future to unfold, and play the potential and our own risk by the signs we see as they occur. Going back isn't inevitable. Even for my brother. Of course I'm not going to hold my breath, walk on eggshells, or change how I work. I'm not buying him birthday presents anymore and saving them for when he gets out. I'm not sticking money aside for him. He knows where I am and he can write. And I want more than platitudes before I start putting myself out there for him when he gets out.

But there is always the possibility this is the last time.
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  #25  
Old 04-17-2018, 05:54 PM
SeekingJoy SeekingJoy is offline
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Yourself: I read through your post and really appreciate you taking the time to reply and I hope like crap that I have a good surprise and that I see him stay out, meaning that he is tired of the prison life as you said "There are adults who've finally figured out how much of life they've missed out on by doing the prison thing who make a concerted effort to change and embrace doing something other than prison and crime." and hopefully he gets tired of the drugs also. Not just for myself, I also hope and pray that this comes true for so many families on this website that they have an end to this cycle with their loved ones. Thank you for the encouragement to never give up hope! Thank you Yourself!

Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
One of the nice things about my job is that I do get to experience change in others. It's depressing as hell to see a kid running afoul of the law for the first time and have him bristle the entire way through the process - the PSI is dumb, going to therapy is stupid, meeting with the PO is a waste of time, and if everybody (especially his parents) would just leave him alone, everything would be fine. These are the guys you shake your head at, know they will be lucky to stay out on bail without a few bail condition violations and failures to appear, and maybe even an absconding because taking off for Colorado or Florida is much more appealing than dealing with a drug or burglary charge or something.

There are the 70 year olds who still haven't learned, even when they have a car and a family (including a mom who's stayed alive to see him a free man) and a place to live. They still find themselves in court, awaiting sentencing on a new charge or a PV.

But sometimes there are people that totally surprise you. I mean, there's the 19 year old at the alternative school busted for trying to shoplift a bunch of vodka from the store where his girlfriend works who then turns around and sends you various notifications - graduation, wedding announcement, birth of a child. There's the 35 year old with a rap sheet as long as Kareem Abdul Jabar's wingspan and includes a hate crime and a sex offense who turns around and has the rights of his baby momma terminated because she's an addict who puts his brand new baby girl in jeopardy of serious bodily injury or death. He jumps through every hoop Children,s Services puts in front of him, gets a job, joins the union, gets a mortgage, and calls me once a year to let me know how well his baby girl is doing even though she's now a freshman in high school. There are kids now adults asking for referrals for real estate attorneys and business law attorneys. There are adults who've finally figured out how much of life they've missed out on by doing the prison thing who make a concerted effort to change and embrace doing something other than prison and crime.

It happens all the time. It sucks that it feels rare, especially when your brother is on his DUI 5 in Wisconsin and they are waiting to decide whether they are going to go after him for the drug thing again, depending on whether the Feds step in, again. From the inside - from witnessing and experiencing decade after decade of crime by my brother - that feels like nothing will ever change. From the attorney side, where I have access to the lives of more than just my brother, there is change. Look at that recidivism rate. It feels like a "cup half empty" statistic telling you the probability of him going back again and again. But the other side of that statistic is the "cup half full" portion - those who will never go back to prison again.

We have to deal with the reality of our loved ones being in prison. Again. And sometimes for a steep number of years. but it behooves us to remember - there is nothing given in this world. Going back again after this current hitch may feel like inevitable, but it's not. We must wait for the future to unfold, and play the potential and our own risk by the signs we see as they occur. Going back isn't inevitable. Even for my brother. Of course I'm not going to hold my breath, walk on eggshells, or change how I work. I'm not buying him birthday presents anymore and saving them for when he gets out. I'm not sticking money aside for him. He knows where I am and he can write. And I want more than platitudes before I start putting myself out there for him when he gets out.

But there is always the possibility this is the last time.
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