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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 01-08-2018, 06:57 AM
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Default What do you do on the days he can't call?

Hi all,

I hope you are all doing well. Things have been going pretty well for me and my lifer. I've been able to visit him three times now and it has been heaven each time. He went SNY so now he is able to have contact visits, which helps both of us so much to be able to touch each other. We get those visits once per month. However, he can only call every other day and his prison often shuts down program early, so he often doesn't get that.

I'm frustrated with myself right now because I feel like I've grown in several ways over the last few months...like in trusting that he's okay safety-wise when he doesn't call. But I still feel myself being soooo sad when he doesn't call for a couple of days. I miss him terribly. If I try to push the feelings down, they come up in other ways (irritability, etc). I don't have friends or family who know, so I can't reach out for support.

How do you all cope when you're missing him and you haven't heard from him? What do you do or tell yourselves? Any help would be appreciated. My best to everyone.
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Old 01-08-2018, 07:17 AM
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Well nothing much... it can happen... suck it up, he'll call again.
May I be blunt - please don't be offended - but don't you have a life/job/me-time? And if not, maybe it's a good time to approve your free-time/me-time? Find a hobby, go to the gym, go running, whatever you like. It's your life and sitting around to wait for him to call is not a good and healthy way to spend your valuable time.

Maybe it would help you to have calls on certain days, set a schedule, maybe that would help plan your time/days better?

The phones in my bf's facility are screwed up so much, the lines long, etc... It can happen and I miss him, too, but there's always the next day...
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Old 01-08-2018, 07:34 AM
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Hi all,

I hope you are all doing well. Things have been going pretty well for me and my lifer. I've been able to visit him three times now and it has been heaven each time. He went SNY so now he is able to have contact visits, which helps both of us so much to be able to touch each other. We get those visits once per month. However, he can only call every other day and his prison often shuts down program early, so he often doesn't get that.

I'm frustrated with myself right now because I feel like I've grown in several ways over the last few months...like in trusting that he's okay safety-wise when he doesn't call. But I still feel myself being soooo sad when he doesn't call for a couple of days. I miss him terribly. If I try to push the feelings down, they come up in other ways (irritability, etc). I don't have friends or family who know, so I can't reach out for support.

How do you all cope when you're missing him and you haven't heard from him? What do you do or tell yourselves? Any help would be appreciated. My best to everyone.

Keep living life and know that he will call as soon as he can. Some things we cannot control, and that it one of them. Worrying about it does not change it at all, just makes us insane.

Meditate, exercise, do something nice for yourself.
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Old 01-08-2018, 08:40 AM
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I write him a letter...tell him everything i would if he called and more-since the calls are so short!! Also pray-amazing how relieving and uplifting this can be!
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:12 AM
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Sound like a Kern Valley phone schedule. If that's true, they're notorious for going a week+ without phone time.

The hard truth is this is your life now. So if he doesn't call, that's your new normal. If he calls, you consider it a lucky day. These calls can't make or break you even if it feels like they might-- and I know it does feel that way at times!

If work/school/outside obligations aren't enough to keep you busy or you don't have them, create a to-do list of short term goals you'd like to accomplish. Clean a closet, try a new recipe, visit a new-to-you coffee shop. Not only does it help the time go easier, it gives you something (I mean, outside of a life of your own) to talk about with him when he does call.
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:39 AM
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Concur with the others here: get busy, woman
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Old 01-08-2018, 10:13 AM
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I write him a letter...tell him everything i would if he called and more-since the calls are so short!! Also pray-amazing how relieving and uplifting this can be!
Yeah, my boyfriend loves my letters no matter how stupid I think they may be. He loves getting mail and be involved in my daily drama, my thoughts, my feelings and just plain stupid stuff. Share with him!!
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Last edited by MizzyMuffling; 01-08-2018 at 10:14 AM.. Reason: typos typos typos :D
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Old 01-08-2018, 12:57 PM
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I just carry on with my life like I would any other day. I do wish we had more calls, though.
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Old 01-08-2018, 01:35 PM
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I really struggled with this in the beginning, my mind would produce all sorts of crazy stuff when I didn't hear from him for a little while. But as time has gone on, I have learned patience and trust and I know that if he doesn't call, it's simply because he can't for whatever reason. So instead of feeling sad, I find excitement in the anticipation of seeing if I'll hear from him the next day.

I agree with the others in that keeping busy is good, but I do empathise with you as I know that even if you're busy he will always be on your mind nonetheless!
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Old 01-08-2018, 10:50 PM
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Just to clarify...I work full time, have a daughter, a church, and an active social life. Missing my partner has nothing to do with how busy I am. I was looking more for how you all process things cognitively/emotionally when you're struggling with the unique situation we are in. I appreciate those who gave compassion. It's so much easier to be judgmental.

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Old 01-08-2018, 10:51 PM
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I really struggled with this in the beginning, my mind would produce all sorts of crazy stuff when I didn't hear from him for a little while. But as time has gone on, I have learned patience and trust and I know that if he doesn't call, it's simply because he can't for whatever reason. So instead of feeling sad, I find excitement in the anticipation of seeing if I'll hear from him the next day.

I agree with the others in that keeping busy is good, but I do empathise with you as I know that even if you're busy he will always be on your mind nonetheless!
Thank you so much for your compassion and understanding. I'm glad to hear it gets better. This is exactly what I needed!
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Old 01-08-2018, 10:52 PM
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I write him a letter...tell him everything i would if he called and more-since the calls are so short!! Also pray-amazing how relieving and uplifting this can be!
This is such good advice! Thank you!! I will do this! ❤️
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Old 01-08-2018, 11:32 PM
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Just to clarify...I work full time, have a daughter, a church, and an active social life. Missing my partner has nothing to do with how busy I am. I was looking more for how you all process things cognitively/emotionally when you're struggling with the unique situation we are in. I appreciate those who gave compassion. It's so much easier to be judgmental.
I think we all have our struggles with the whole thing not having our partners with us - even for the daily boring shit. I totally get you.
Even though I only came into my boyfriend's life 3 years ago I'm sitting here waiting and sometimes struggling with the whole situation myself. I miss not hearing him the days he doesn't call, heck, I miss him not being here when I get home.
I wonder so often if I'm doing the right thing with "waiting" and even "loving" a guy in prison and I don't even know when he'll be home. The light at the end of that looooooong tunnel seems to get brighter, but it takes a lot of patience and strength out of me at times.
I do have compassion but I also have compassion for myself. I will not let my life run by me by just plain waiting for him and wondering when he'll come home.
I keep living and trying to make my life as beautiful as it can be with my full-time job.
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Old 01-09-2018, 02:53 AM
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I just get on with my life. I miss him every second of every day but life goes on. I know he misses me every bit as much and if he can't call I know it's not his fault.
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Old 01-09-2018, 11:48 AM
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I'm frustrated with myself right now because I feel like I've grown in several ways over the last few months...like in trusting that he's okay safety-wise when he doesn't call. But I still feel myself being soooo sad when he doesn't call for a couple of days. I miss him terribly. If I try to push the feelings down, they come up in other ways (irritability, etc). I don't have friends or family who know, so I can't reach out for support.

How do you all cope when you're missing him and you haven't heard from him? What do you do or tell yourselves? Any help would be appreciated. My best to everyone.
You've conquered one hurdle-- letting go of the panic that something is wrong. That's huge! Many, if not all, of us know that feeling on some level. We've had to learn to shelve the panic and replace it with history and consistency in knowing that this has happened before. So kudos!

That also tells me that the sadness you feel, or the intensity of it, will one day be manageable, as well. You're just not there yet. Pushing them down isn't working, so we have to develop another tool. Perhaps a meditation you can repeat? For example-- I'm missing you so badly right now, but I know you are missing me, too. We will get through this together.

It does make me sad that you have no in-person support. I understand that is the case for many people, but it's not ideal. I pray that at some point you have that one friend you can be totally transparent with and have their support. It really makes all the difference.
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Old 01-14-2018, 09:09 AM
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You've conquered one hurdle-- letting go of the panic that something is wrong. That's huge! Many, if not all, of us know that feeling on some level. We've had to learn to shelve the panic and replace it with history and consistency in knowing that this has happened before. So kudos!

That also tells me that the sadness you feel, or the intensity of it, will one day be manageable, as well. You're just not there yet. Pushing them down isn't working, so we have to develop another tool. Perhaps a meditation you can repeat? For example-- I'm missing you so badly right now, but I know you are missing me, too. We will get through this together.

It does make me sad that you have no in-person support. I understand that is the case for many people, but it's not ideal. I pray that at some point you have that one friend you can be totally transparent with and have their support. It really makes all the difference.

I think you're totally right about this being a process...we conquer these various hurdles and stages as we go. I really, really appreciate the meditation line I can repeat. I haven't heard from him in four days and yesterday, I just kept repeating, "I love you. I know you're feeling this too." Because, to your point, I think a big part of this is being alone with it. I have one friend who I met on PTO and we message back and forth about our experiences, but no in person. I do think that as time goes on, I want to try to meet other women like me in person...maybe at the visiting room, once he consistently is in the same prison lol. Anyway, thank you for your wisdom and compassion!
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Old 01-14-2018, 09:11 AM
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I think we all have our struggles with the whole thing not having our partners with us - even for the daily boring shit. I totally get you.
Even though I only came into my boyfriend's life 3 years ago I'm sitting here waiting and sometimes struggling with the whole situation myself. I miss not hearing him the days he doesn't call, heck, I miss him not being here when I get home.
I wonder so often if I'm doing the right thing with "waiting" and even "loving" a guy in prison and I don't even know when he'll be home. The light at the end of that looooooong tunnel seems to get brighter, but it takes a lot of patience and strength out of me at times.
I do have compassion but I also have compassion for myself. I will not let my life run by me by just plain waiting for him and wondering when he'll come home.
I keep living and trying to make my life as beautiful as it can be with my full-time job.
I hear you on wondering if you're doing the right thing part. When it's like day three or four of no contact and I'm dealing with a bunch of life crap alone, I start to question. But at the end of the day, I always come back to the fact that I don't want to be without him. So, it's a rough road but I'm seeing that it evens out somewhat over time. My best to you!
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Old 01-14-2018, 09:29 AM
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I hear you on wondering if you're doing the right thing part. When it's like day three or four of no contact and I'm dealing with a bunch of life crap alone, I start to question. But at the end of the day, I always come back to the fact that I don't want to be without him. So, it's a rough road but I'm seeing that it evens out somewhat over time. My best to you!
Thank you & same to you!
At the end of the day our emotions are all very similar although we are all different people. We're all in this together
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Old 01-15-2018, 08:09 PM
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Hmmm.. I hate when that happens. I try to remind myself to keep calm and I try to take it one day at a time. Some days I have to take it one minute at a time. This is an area where I struggle I miss my Bae sooo much. Sigh.
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:56 PM
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Hmmm.. I hate when that happens. I try to remind myself to keep calm and I try to take it one day at a time. Some days I have to take it one minute at a time. This is an area where I struggle I miss my Bae sooo much. Sigh.
Thank you!!!! I so needed to hear that someone else struggled as hard as I do with missing my man!!! I started thinking I was more emotional than most! Lol! I can be as busy as can be and do all the coping in the world...but at the end of the day, my heart hurts. It's as simple as that. Today, he called, so I'm on top of the world. But it starts to wear off! Anyway, thanks for your post! Good to know I'm not alone!
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Old 01-17-2018, 03:06 AM
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I am not loving a lifer, just wanted to say kudos on you ladies I think it takes very strong women to do what you are doing and I admire each one of you.
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Old 01-22-2018, 09:47 AM
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My pen pal has lost his phone privileges for 4 YEARS. It could always be worse than a day or two without a phone call. Best wishes to you.
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