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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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Old 12-30-2017, 08:53 PM
2ndclasscitizen 2ndclasscitizen is offline
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Default What's appealing about loving a lifer

My brother Joshua Aston is in prison (LWOP), since he was a juvenile I've shown him. A lot of these threads about loving a lifer ,so he can get a concept of how it's done. Sounds insane ,i know, but why he can t find someone to love and support is beyond him. He comes from a family of 12 bro &sis, &they are all in happy relationships. He's a great guy. Why is it so difficult to find love as a lifer. In his situation he sees so many guys not doing life have wives /girlfriends but he cant understand why hes alone . Surely LWOP is a major turn off .what is it about a lifer that is appealing is what I want to know. Maybe he's just not meant to find love ... I honestly don't want to believe that.
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Old 12-30-2017, 11:48 PM
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It takes a very open-minded person to get past the crime and see the person for the person. And time. I think if someone is going to be able to fall in love with a lifer, the lifer is going to need to have grown and matured past the point he was at when he committed the crimes... or at the very least the person would need time to witness some personal growth and have some shared experiences that act as a catalyst for bonding.
Buy the ticket, take the ride. ~ Hunter S. Thompson
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Old 12-31-2017, 03:31 AM
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Agreed with Dakini. My MWI is a lifer, and heís been incarcerated since Reagan was in office. It was the first time he ever got in trouble. But he hasnít stopped living during that time, and has really turned himself around and continues to do everything he can as far as self improvement. Heís done a lot more than a lot of people on the outside have. And thatís appealing.

When I wrote, I wasnít ďlooking for loveĒ, but I wasnít opposed to it if the feelings arose. Not ready to use that four letter word, but I will say Iíve developed the tender most feelings for THE PERSON. Not the crime.

I get why people would be reticent to be with a lifer. Obviously, you miss out on a lot together. Thatís not preferable, but it is what it is. But Iím someone whoís never minded being ďaloneĒ. Iíve felt more alone in long term relationships with people I could see and contact whenever. Iím also pretty sure I donít want children of my own, so that helps.

Thereís no forcing it. It has to come naturally, if and when it does.
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Old 12-31-2017, 03:42 AM
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I didn't fall in love with a lifer, I fell in love with the man who happens to be incarcerated for already 24 years. It just happened. He had an ad on a prison pen-pal website, it seemed appealing to me, liked his picture and started writing to him. I do believe thought that him being already in for so long and the fact that he has improved himself so much with an education and stuff, that what was most appealing to me. He's smart and sophisticated as he can be in his environment and keeps improving himself. I do believe he has dealt with his crime and the repercussions over the past 2+ decades and to me personally that was or still is important.

And no, I wasn't looking for love whatsoever, I just wanted to brighten someone's day... Love just happened a few years into our exchanging letters, phone calls and eventually visits.

Your brother maybe needs to write down or give it some thought what's important for him to have in his life. That he can maybe transfer into a pen-pal ad and then be open and honest about his life in possible letters to a pen-pal or pen-pals.
Good luck!!
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...

Last edited by MizzyMuffling; 12-31-2017 at 03:44 AM..
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Old 12-31-2017, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
Thereís no forcing it. It has to come naturally, if and when it does.
I think this is key. There are also a lot of people living in the free world who want to find a relationship and are unable to...love shows up when it chooses to show up, it cannot be forced. Doesn't mean a person isn't a good person or not deserving of love...it is just life.

As was mentioned in your other thread in the pen pal forum; hopefully your brother will keep on connecting with people through letters and let time do its deed. Being a platonic pen pal first with people, getting to know them with time, letting them to get to know him with no expectations for the specifics of the friendship/relationship...I think that's the way to go.

Good luck to him
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Old 12-31-2017, 12:16 PM
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Often I've wondered the same thing as far as "loving a lifer" but honestly when you find the right person for you you accept whatever comes with them! I'm not with a lifer but my brother in law has a lot of time ahead of him and feels like it's the reason he can't find anyone. Have you put him on a pen pal site?
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Old 12-31-2017, 03:22 PM
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The answer to the way the question is worded in my opinion is nothing, absolutely nothing. What could be appealing about your loved one being a lifer? I mean it isn't as if we went out looking for a relationship with someone who may never be free from prison. Prison is an awful experience for those on both sides of the fence, but we deal with the limitations and sacrifices because we love and care for the person incarcerated.

Now if you asked what we found appealing about the man/woman we fell in love with who happens to be a lifer, you will probably get a greater variety of responses. People fall in love with people for all kinds of reasons. I think in order for your brother to have a greater opportunity to find love, he has to put himself out there and be open to the idea the he is worthy of love and can be loved despite his prison sentence. A person who is bitter and negative is going to have a much more difficult time attracting a loving person as opposed to someone with an open heart and mind who is ready to do right by another human being, including forgiving themselves for whatever the circumstances of their incarceration. I would advise him to get himself in the right place mentally and spiritually, then he can begin looking for a partner who is willing to accept him and his circumstances as they are.
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Old 12-31-2017, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by chosenmemories View Post
The answer to the way the question is worded in my opinion is nothing, absolutely nothing. What could be appealing about your loved one being a lifer?
That was my thought, too. In fact I think my brain subbed the word lifer for inmate. There's nothing appealing about being in a relationship that involves incarceration, period. But the "to life" or LWOP aspect makes those things even weightier.

Love is forced to thrive in circumstance. When that circumstance is incarceration, the barriers are high. No one falls in love with a lifer, or an inmate for that matter. They fall in love with a person.
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Old 01-01-2018, 05:50 PM
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I dont think many people would ever consider falling in love with a lifer as being a preferred option, or seeking a lifer out for a relationship. Its very hard to live with the fact that you may never be able to live together or have a family etc. However people do fall in love in love as a result of correspondence or reconnecting from the past. These things arent planned but happen never the less.
However, when you fall in love you cannot just give up on someone because of their circumstances.
Good relationships arent good because they have no problems they are good because the the two people involved care enough to make the relationship work regardless of the circumstances.
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

Who cares what they say about us? Because when I am with you I am standing with an army
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juvenile, lifer, love

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