Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Wives & Girlfriends in Prison
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-29-2017, 01:00 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default Do you find your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating?

You may be finding some of your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating if you’re relatively new to the incarceration experience. She may be experiencing one or more of the following at any given time:

Frustration: Everything about her life is frustrating. She has no privacy. She has no freedom of action or association. She can’t get away from women she dislikes or fears. She can’t act or express herself the way she wants or needs to during visits. She’s treated like a child; told when to eat, when she can use a phone, whom she can call, what to wear, etc. She’ll probably get bored with masturbating, especially after she’s been down for a while. Worse, she might be among the 1/3 of women who can't climax by masturbating. Unrelieved arousal can be very uncomfortable! It’s unfortunate but true for everyone that nothing goes right when you’re horny.

Anger: She’s sometimes angry about something that may or may not have anything to do with you. You find yourself in the line of fire even when you’re just an innocent bystander. Who else can she take it out on? Fighting back is the last thing that will help. Just roll with it. It will pass.

Jealousy: Of your freedom to come and go at will, and access to everything including her former home, favorite foods, family functions, entertainment and potentially Free World women.

Shame: She’s forced to be naked in front of strangers. She’s no longer addressed or respected as Ms. X or Mrs. X. She’s no longer able to function effectively as a wife or mom. She can’t work in her chosen field or profession. She’s not contributing to family finances. Her friends and former coworkers have probably abandoned her or will at some point because they no longer feel they have anything in common with her. To the world, she’s just another inmate who’s getting what she deserves.

Doubt: About the strength of your commitment to her. She may be so worried about losing you that she tests you to make sure you’ll stick by her.

Self-doubt: Her self-image has been systematically destroyed. She gets no positive reinforcement from her environment. All the important things in her life are out of sight and out of reach. She doesn’t feel pretty, feminine or desirable and she doesn’t think you can or do.

Control: She has absolutely none over any aspect of her own life so she tries to control you by being demanding of your time and resources.

Reticence: She may not to tell you what’s on her mind, what’s happening in her life, etc. out of embarrassment, fear of worrying you, concern that it will change the way you see her or feel about her, etc.

Fear: Of the future outside; losing you or her family, letting everyone down, having someone dear get sick or die, losing privileges and good time for something she did or was written up for in error, catching an outside case inside, catching another prison sentence after she’s out, etc.

I hope my observations help smooth things out while your relationship evolves to accommodate your and her new reality.

Last edited by WaitingWilkes; 12-29-2017 at 01:03 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to WaitingWilkes For This Useful Post:
K6770 (12-29-2017), missingdee (12-29-2017)
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 12-29-2017, 08:00 PM
K6770 K6770 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: ITP Atlanta, GA
Posts: 438
Thanks: 536
Thanked 516 Times in 287 Posts
Default

There is also the fear/reticence related to her getting sick. Medical care being what it is inside, a new lump, a pain or unexplained sickness is terrifying. Also things like arthritis, diabetes, vision and hearing loss have a whole new dimension inside. Sometimes your not going to find out about the x-ray, new medication or worse until afterward.

And for all the reasons that Wilkies list you need to assume that some level of mental health treatment for anxiety or depression might be par for the course, even for someone who was not diagnosed with any mental health issues before going in.

Last edited by K6770; 12-29-2017 at 08:07 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to K6770 For This Useful Post:
missingdee (01-05-2018), WaitingWilkes (12-30-2017)
  #3  
Old 12-30-2017, 11:38 AM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by K6770 View Post
There is also the fear/reticence related to her getting sick. Medical care being what it is inside, a new lump, a pain or unexplained sickness is terrifying. Also things like arthritis, diabetes, vision and hearing loss have a whole new dimension inside. Sometimes your not going to find out about the x-ray, new medication or worse until afterward.

And for all the reasons that Wilkies list you need to assume that some level of mental health treatment for anxiety or depression might be par for the course, even for someone who was not diagnosed with any mental health issues before going in.
What passes for medical, dental and especially mental health care in the system does leave a lot to be desired. Crowding and other stress factors can and do bring out latent mental problems as well as lower resistance to disease. Pre and post natal care are nearly absent by Free World standards. Drugs of all kinds are readily available, while counseling isn't, making recovery difficult. Crowding makes it hard for women to avoid catching colds, flu and much more serious diseases like hepatitis.

It would be hard to find a more damaging system except Russian gulags or Chinese and North Korean "work and reeducation camps".
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to WaitingWilkes For This Useful Post:
K6770 (01-08-2018), missingdee (01-05-2018)
  #4  
Old 01-08-2018, 01:22 PM
missingdee's Avatar
missingdee missingdee is online now
She's Home! Moderator

PTO Moderator 

 

Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Metro Los Angeles, CA, USA
Posts: 2,747
Thanks: 3,068
Thanked 4,130 Times in 1,724 Posts
Default

I think this is a pretty good, comprehensive summary of what they may be going through.

What I would add would be loneliness. She can't connect with the people that she wants to connect with the way she wants. In some cases she may develop relationships within prison that help her pass the time and make her feel less lonely, and maybe some of those relationships will take on a deeper meaning, but it doesn't mean that she forgets birthdays, holidays, etc. Not being there for those things can make one feel very lonely and forgotten. It's a big part of why letter writing, answering calls, and visiting if possible are so important both to their psyche while in prison and lowering their odds of recidivism once out for those who do get out.
__________________
The Colorblind Moderator (I'm not even going to try to use green down here, I'll embarass myself! LOL!) Currently assisting in all forums and actively monitoring Wives and Girlfriends in Prison and the California forums.

#ByeCDCR #TimesUp #HomeForChristmas
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to missingdee For This Useful Post:
K6770 (01-08-2018), WaitingWilkes (01-08-2018)
  #5  
Old 01-08-2018, 01:40 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
I think this is a pretty good, comprehensive summary of what they may be going through.

What I would add would be loneliness. She can't connect with the people that she wants to connect with the way she wants. In some cases she may develop relationships within prison that help her pass the time and make her feel less lonely, and maybe some of those relationships will take on a deeper meaning, but it doesn't mean that she forgets birthdays, holidays, etc. Not being there for those things can make one feel very lonely and forgotten. It's a big part of why letter writing, answering calls, and visiting if possible are so important both to their psyche while in prison and lowering their odds of recidivism once out for those who do get out.
Excellent information, as always. You're right about relationships with deeper meaning. Each outmate has to decide what his inmate's strong emotional bond/love might mean to his relationship with her.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to WaitingWilkes For This Useful Post:
missingdee (01-08-2018)
  #6  
Old 01-08-2018, 03:42 PM
MDL160 MDL160 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: PA USA
Posts: 22
Thanks: 0
Thanked 16 Times in 6 Posts
Default

Im happy I read this. The girl I have been writing to has been a little distant lately. I notice in her letters she starts telling me things which usually ends with “well thats a story for another time” or “I’ll tell you the rest next letter”. I’m thinking she wants to talk to me and tell me things but then changes her mind or maybe feels I’ll think differently about her.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MDL160 For This Useful Post:
missingdee (01-09-2018), WaitingWilkes (01-09-2018)
  #7  
Old 01-08-2018, 03:50 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MDL160 View Post
Im happy I read this. The girl I have been writing to has been a little distant lately. I notice in her letters she starts telling me things which usually ends with “well thats a story for another time” or “I’ll tell you the rest next letter”. I’m thinking she wants to talk to me and tell me things but then changes her mind or maybe feels I’ll think differently about her.
She may be writing that way to make sure you keep writing.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-08-2018, 04:04 PM
MDL160 MDL160 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: PA USA
Posts: 22
Thanks: 0
Thanked 16 Times in 6 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes View Post
She may be writing that way to make sure you keep writing.
I thought about that. I also think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotions then shuts down and changes the subject. My PP murdered her son and is doing 25 to life, shes only 3 years into her sentence. She told me shes found a way to shut down her emotions, she said she needed to shut them down or she would go mentally crazy and fears if that happens she wont be able to recover from that. So I think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotion then changes subjects.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-08-2018, 04:48 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MDL160 View Post
I thought about that. I also think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotions then shuts down and changes the subject. My PP murdered her son and is doing 25 to life, shes only 3 years into her sentence. She told me shes found a way to shut down her emotions, she said she needed to shut them down or she would go mentally crazy and fears if that happens she wont be able to recover from that. So I think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotion then changes subjects.
I sent a PM with some info you might find useful.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-08-2018, 08:59 PM
K6770 K6770 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: ITP Atlanta, GA
Posts: 438
Thanks: 536
Thanked 516 Times in 287 Posts
Default

At times I knew what was going through her mind and other times I was completely oblivious, or just wrong. You never get enough time in the visiting room to sort through everything. My goal was always just to leave her better than I found her. Some days I did better than others.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to K6770 For This Useful Post:
amanmissingwife (Yesterday), WaitingWilkes (01-09-2018)
  #11  
Old 01-08-2018, 11:07 PM
Hurley123's Avatar
Hurley123 Hurley123 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: San Diego
Posts: 111
Thanks: 302
Thanked 78 Times in 43 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes View Post
You may be finding some of your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating if you’re relatively new to the incarceration experience. She may be experiencing one or more of the following at any given time:

Frustration: Everything about her life is frustrating. She has no privacy. She has no freedom of action or association. She can’t get away from women she dislikes or fears. She can’t act or express herself the way she wants or needs to during visits. She’s treated like a child; told when to eat, when she can use a phone, whom she can call, what to wear, etc. She’ll probably get bored with masturbating, especially after she’s been down for a while. Worse, she might be among the 1/3 of women who can't climax by masturbating. Unrelieved arousal can be very uncomfortable! It’s unfortunate but true for everyone that nothing goes right when you’re horny.

Anger: She’s sometimes angry about something that may or may not have anything to do with you. You find yourself in the line of fire even when you’re just an innocent bystander. Who else can she take it out on? Fighting back is the last thing that will help. Just roll with it. It will pass.

Jealousy: Of your freedom to come and go at will, and access to everything including her former home, favorite foods, family functions, entertainment and potentially Free World women.

Shame: She’s forced to be naked in front of strangers. She’s no longer addressed or respected as Ms. X or Mrs. X. She’s no longer able to function effectively as a wife or mom. She can’t work in her chosen field or profession. She’s not contributing to family finances. Her friends and former coworkers have probably abandoned her or will at some point because they no longer feel they have anything in common with her. To the world, she’s just another inmate who’s getting what she deserves.

Doubt: About the strength of your commitment to her. She may be so worried about losing you that she tests you to make sure you’ll stick by her.

Self-doubt: Her self-image has been systematically destroyed. She gets no positive reinforcement from her environment. All the important things in her life are out of sight and out of reach. She doesn’t feel pretty, feminine or desirable and she doesn’t think you can or do.

Control: She has absolutely none over any aspect of her own life so she tries to control you by being demanding of your time and resources.

Reticence: She may not to tell you what’s on her mind, what’s happening in her life, etc. out of embarrassment, fear of worrying you, concern that it will change the way you see her or feel about her, etc.

Fear: Of the future outside; losing you or her family, letting everyone down, having someone dear get sick or die, losing privileges and good time for something she did or was written up for in error, catching an outside case inside, catching another prison sentence after she’s out, etc.

I hope my observations help smooth things out while your relationship evolves to accommodate your and her new reality.
Very insightful!! Alot of these points can be said of the men as well
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hurley123 For This Useful Post:
amanmissingwife (Yesterday), missingdee (01-09-2018), WaitingWilkes (01-09-2018)
  #12  
Old 01-09-2018, 07:39 AM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by K6770 View Post
At times I knew what was going through her mind and other times I was completely oblivious, or just wrong. You never get enough time in the visiting room to sort through everything. My goal was always just to leave her better than I found her. Some days I did better than others.
You're right about the time problem. It's especially hard to deal with when you know there's a chance your visit will get cut short on a minute's notice to make room for other visitors It's sometimes hard to focus with so many conversations going on all around you and there's always stress to contend with. It's almost like the systems designed to hamper communication in every way possible.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-09-2018, 12:21 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MDL160 View Post
Im happy I read this. The girl I have been writing to has been a little distant lately. I notice in her letters she starts telling me things which usually ends with “well thats a story for another time” or “I’ll tell you the rest next letter”. I’m thinking she wants to talk to me and tell me things but then changes her mind or maybe feels I’ll think differently about her.
Give her time, space and acceptance.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-09-2018, 12:26 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Tennessee, USA
Posts: 1,036
Thanks: 639
Thanked 771 Times in 445 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurley123 View Post
Very insightful!! Alot of these points can be said of the men as well
I think men may have it a bit easier in some respects. Any guy who served in the military already experienced regimentation, rules covering everything imaginable, being controlled by others and losing freedom to some degree. That notwithstanding, I'm sure most men generally have as miserable time as women.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to WaitingWilkes For This Useful Post:
missingdee (01-10-2018)
  #15  
Old Yesterday, 01:06 PM
amanmissingwife amanmissingwife is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Nebraska, Box Butte
Posts: 7
Thanks: 2
Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts
Default

These posts have helped me to understand what my wife is going through some today. I can not go and see her today because of the weather and it really makes me depressed too. My wife is about 6 to 7 months into her sentence and she is getting angry at the system and wanting to be held every time I go there. We talk alot of happy, sad, glad and mad feelings about everything going on in our lives. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to amanmissingwife For This Useful Post:
K6770 (Yesterday)
  #16  
Old Yesterday, 05:43 PM
K6770 K6770 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: ITP Atlanta, GA
Posts: 438
Thanks: 536
Thanked 516 Times in 287 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by amanmissingwife View Post
These posts have helped me to understand what my wife is going through some today. I can not go and see her today because of the weather and it really makes me depressed too. My wife is about 6 to 7 months into her sentence and she is getting angry at the system and wanting to be held every time I go there. We talk alot of happy, sad, glad and mad feelings about everything going on in our lives. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.
I don't know the details of your wife's sentence or situation, but if she can talk with you about the happy, sad, glad and mad feelings that is a very good thing. When our loved ones go quiet is when things get hardest.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old Yesterday, 05:47 PM
amanmissingwife amanmissingwife is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Nebraska, Box Butte
Posts: 7
Thanks: 2
Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by K6770 View Post
I don't know the details of your wife's sentence or situation, but if she can talk with you about the happy, sad, glad and mad feelings that is a very good thing. When our loved ones go quiet is when things get hardest.
Let her vent all she can. Mine is doing the same thing K6770
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old Yesterday, 05:50 PM
amanmissingwife amanmissingwife is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Nebraska, Box Butte
Posts: 7
Thanks: 2
Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts
Default

I also, let my women scold me all she wants no matter what she says I am doing wrong I just agree with her and tell her just how Beautiful, Kind, Carrying, Loving, and Tender she has become to me. I want to build and keep my womens self esteem as high as possible. I pray this will help you two.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Does his behavior within reflect his future behavior when he gets out? MRS. DURHAM Straight Talk 14 01-23-2007 10:10 AM
32 year old Single Black Male would like to find a lady penpal mommyelf Prison Inmate Pen-Pal Ads - Submit yours here! 0 10-17-2005 06:53 PM
pregnant, and i cant find my lady - Amanda Wallis in TN (found) anthonyshere Lost in the System 16 06-02-2003 02:52 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:27 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics