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  #1  
Old 12-29-2017, 01:00 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is offline
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Default Do you find your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating?

You may be finding some of your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating if you’re relatively new to the incarceration experience. She may be experiencing one or more of the following at any given time:

Frustration: Everything about her life is frustrating. She has no privacy. She has no freedom of action or association. She can’t get away from women she dislikes or fears. She can’t act or express herself the way she wants or needs to during visits. She’s treated like a child; told when to eat, when she can use a phone, whom she can call, what to wear, etc. She’ll probably get bored with masturbating, especially after she’s been down for a while. Worse, she might be among the 1/3 of women who can't climax by masturbating. Unrelieved arousal can be very uncomfortable! It’s unfortunate but true for everyone that nothing goes right when you’re horny.

Anger: She’s sometimes angry about something that may or may not have anything to do with you. You find yourself in the line of fire even when you’re just an innocent bystander. Who else can she take it out on? Fighting back is the last thing that will help. Just roll with it. It will pass.

Jealousy: Of your freedom to come and go at will, and access to everything including her former home, favorite foods, family functions, entertainment and potentially Free World women.

Shame: She’s forced to be naked in front of strangers. She’s no longer addressed or respected as Ms. X or Mrs. X. She’s no longer able to function effectively as a wife or mom. She can’t work in her chosen field or profession. She’s not contributing to family finances. Her friends and former coworkers have probably abandoned her or will at some point because they no longer feel they have anything in common with her. To the world, she’s just another inmate who’s getting what she deserves.

Doubt: About the strength of your commitment to her. She may be so worried about losing you that she tests you to make sure you’ll stick by her.

Self-doubt: Her self-image has been systematically destroyed. She gets no positive reinforcement from her environment. All the important things in her life are out of sight and out of reach. She doesn’t feel pretty, feminine or desirable and she doesn’t think you can or do.

Control: She has absolutely none over any aspect of her own life so she tries to control you by being demanding of your time and resources.

Reticence: She may not to tell you what’s on her mind, what’s happening in her life, etc. out of embarrassment, fear of worrying you, concern that it will change the way you see her or feel about her, etc.

Fear: Of the future outside; losing you or her family, letting everyone down, having someone dear get sick or die, losing privileges and good time for something she did or was written up for in error, catching an outside case inside, catching another prison sentence after she’s out, etc.

I hope my observations help smooth things out while your relationship evolves to accommodate your and her new reality.

Last edited by WaitingWilkes; 12-29-2017 at 01:03 PM..
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Old 12-29-2017, 08:00 PM
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There is also the fear/reticence related to her getting sick. Medical care being what it is inside, a new lump, a pain or unexplained sickness is terrifying. Also things like arthritis, diabetes, vision and hearing loss have a whole new dimension inside. Sometimes your not going to find out about the x-ray, new medication or worse until afterward.

And for all the reasons that Wilkies list you need to assume that some level of mental health treatment for anxiety or depression might be par for the course, even for someone who was not diagnosed with any mental health issues before going in.

Last edited by K6770; 12-29-2017 at 08:07 PM..
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Old 12-30-2017, 11:38 AM
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There is also the fear/reticence related to her getting sick. Medical care being what it is inside, a new lump, a pain or unexplained sickness is terrifying. Also things like arthritis, diabetes, vision and hearing loss have a whole new dimension inside. Sometimes your not going to find out about the x-ray, new medication or worse until afterward.

And for all the reasons that Wilkies list you need to assume that some level of mental health treatment for anxiety or depression might be par for the course, even for someone who was not diagnosed with any mental health issues before going in.
What passes for medical, dental and especially mental health care in the system does leave a lot to be desired. Crowding and other stress factors can and do bring out latent mental problems as well as lower resistance to disease. Pre and post natal care are nearly absent by Free World standards. Drugs of all kinds are readily available, while counseling isn't, making recovery difficult. Crowding makes it hard for women to avoid catching colds, flu and much more serious diseases like hepatitis.

It would be hard to find a more damaging system except Russian gulags or Chinese and North Korean "work and reeducation camps".
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Old 01-08-2018, 01:22 PM
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I think this is a pretty good, comprehensive summary of what they may be going through.

What I would add would be loneliness. She can't connect with the people that she wants to connect with the way she wants. In some cases she may develop relationships within prison that help her pass the time and make her feel less lonely, and maybe some of those relationships will take on a deeper meaning, but it doesn't mean that she forgets birthdays, holidays, etc. Not being there for those things can make one feel very lonely and forgotten. It's a big part of why letter writing, answering calls, and visiting if possible are so important both to their psyche while in prison and lowering their odds of recidivism once out for those who do get out.
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Old 01-08-2018, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
I think this is a pretty good, comprehensive summary of what they may be going through.

What I would add would be loneliness. She can't connect with the people that she wants to connect with the way she wants. In some cases she may develop relationships within prison that help her pass the time and make her feel less lonely, and maybe some of those relationships will take on a deeper meaning, but it doesn't mean that she forgets birthdays, holidays, etc. Not being there for those things can make one feel very lonely and forgotten. It's a big part of why letter writing, answering calls, and visiting if possible are so important both to their psyche while in prison and lowering their odds of recidivism once out for those who do get out.
Excellent information, as always. You're right about relationships with deeper meaning. Each outmate has to decide what his inmate's strong emotional bond/love might mean to his relationship with her.
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Old 01-08-2018, 03:42 PM
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Im happy I read this. The girl I have been writing to has been a little distant lately. I notice in her letters she starts telling me things which usually ends with “well thats a story for another time” or “I’ll tell you the rest next letter”. I’m thinking she wants to talk to me and tell me things but then changes her mind or maybe feels I’ll think differently about her.
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Old 01-08-2018, 03:50 PM
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Im happy I read this. The girl I have been writing to has been a little distant lately. I notice in her letters she starts telling me things which usually ends with “well thats a story for another time” or “I’ll tell you the rest next letter”. I’m thinking she wants to talk to me and tell me things but then changes her mind or maybe feels I’ll think differently about her.
She may be writing that way to make sure you keep writing.
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Old 01-08-2018, 04:04 PM
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She may be writing that way to make sure you keep writing.
I thought about that. I also think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotions then shuts down and changes the subject. My PP murdered her son and is doing 25 to life, shes only 3 years into her sentence. She told me shes found a way to shut down her emotions, she said she needed to shut them down or she would go mentally crazy and fears if that happens she wont be able to recover from that. So I think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotion then changes subjects.
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Old 01-08-2018, 04:48 PM
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I thought about that. I also think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotions then shuts down and changes the subject. My PP murdered her son and is doing 25 to life, shes only 3 years into her sentence. She told me shes found a way to shut down her emotions, she said she needed to shut them down or she would go mentally crazy and fears if that happens she wont be able to recover from that. So I think maybe she wants to tell me things but starts feeling emotion then changes subjects.
I sent a PM with some info you might find useful.
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Old 01-08-2018, 08:59 PM
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At times I knew what was going through her mind and other times I was completely oblivious, or just wrong. You never get enough time in the visiting room to sort through everything. My goal was always just to leave her better than I found her. Some days I did better than others.
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Old 01-08-2018, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes View Post
You may be finding some of your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating if you’re relatively new to the incarceration experience. She may be experiencing one or more of the following at any given time:

Frustration: Everything about her life is frustrating. She has no privacy. She has no freedom of action or association. She can’t get away from women she dislikes or fears. She can’t act or express herself the way she wants or needs to during visits. She’s treated like a child; told when to eat, when she can use a phone, whom she can call, what to wear, etc. She’ll probably get bored with masturbating, especially after she’s been down for a while. Worse, she might be among the 1/3 of women who can't climax by masturbating. Unrelieved arousal can be very uncomfortable! It’s unfortunate but true for everyone that nothing goes right when you’re horny.

Anger: She’s sometimes angry about something that may or may not have anything to do with you. You find yourself in the line of fire even when you’re just an innocent bystander. Who else can she take it out on? Fighting back is the last thing that will help. Just roll with it. It will pass.

Jealousy: Of your freedom to come and go at will, and access to everything including her former home, favorite foods, family functions, entertainment and potentially Free World women.

Shame: She’s forced to be naked in front of strangers. She’s no longer addressed or respected as Ms. X or Mrs. X. She’s no longer able to function effectively as a wife or mom. She can’t work in her chosen field or profession. She’s not contributing to family finances. Her friends and former coworkers have probably abandoned her or will at some point because they no longer feel they have anything in common with her. To the world, she’s just another inmate who’s getting what she deserves.

Doubt: About the strength of your commitment to her. She may be so worried about losing you that she tests you to make sure you’ll stick by her.

Self-doubt: Her self-image has been systematically destroyed. She gets no positive reinforcement from her environment. All the important things in her life are out of sight and out of reach. She doesn’t feel pretty, feminine or desirable and she doesn’t think you can or do.

Control: She has absolutely none over any aspect of her own life so she tries to control you by being demanding of your time and resources.

Reticence: She may not to tell you what’s on her mind, what’s happening in her life, etc. out of embarrassment, fear of worrying you, concern that it will change the way you see her or feel about her, etc.

Fear: Of the future outside; losing you or her family, letting everyone down, having someone dear get sick or die, losing privileges and good time for something she did or was written up for in error, catching an outside case inside, catching another prison sentence after she’s out, etc.

I hope my observations help smooth things out while your relationship evolves to accommodate your and her new reality.
Very insightful!! Alot of these points can be said of the men as well
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:39 AM
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At times I knew what was going through her mind and other times I was completely oblivious, or just wrong. You never get enough time in the visiting room to sort through everything. My goal was always just to leave her better than I found her. Some days I did better than others.
You're right about the time problem. It's especially hard to deal with when you know there's a chance your visit will get cut short on a minute's notice to make room for other visitors It's sometimes hard to focus with so many conversations going on all around you and there's always stress to contend with. It's almost like the systems designed to hamper communication in every way possible.
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Old 01-09-2018, 12:21 PM
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Im happy I read this. The girl I have been writing to has been a little distant lately. I notice in her letters she starts telling me things which usually ends with “well thats a story for another time” or “I’ll tell you the rest next letter”. I’m thinking she wants to talk to me and tell me things but then changes her mind or maybe feels I’ll think differently about her.
Give her time, space and acceptance.
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Old 01-09-2018, 12:26 PM
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Very insightful!! Alot of these points can be said of the men as well
I think men may have it a bit easier in some respects. Any guy who served in the military already experienced regimentation, rules covering everything imaginable, being controlled by others and losing freedom to some degree. That notwithstanding, I'm sure most men generally have as miserable time as women.
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:06 PM
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These posts have helped me to understand what my wife is going through some today. I can not go and see her today because of the weather and it really makes me depressed too. My wife is about 6 to 7 months into her sentence and she is getting angry at the system and wanting to be held every time I go there. We talk alot of happy, sad, glad and mad feelings about everything going on in our lives. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.
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Old 01-21-2018, 05:43 PM
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These posts have helped me to understand what my wife is going through some today. I can not go and see her today because of the weather and it really makes me depressed too. My wife is about 6 to 7 months into her sentence and she is getting angry at the system and wanting to be held every time I go there. We talk alot of happy, sad, glad and mad feelings about everything going on in our lives. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.
I don't know the details of your wife's sentence or situation, but if she can talk with you about the happy, sad, glad and mad feelings that is a very good thing. When our loved ones go quiet is when things get hardest.
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Old 01-21-2018, 05:47 PM
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I don't know the details of your wife's sentence or situation, but if she can talk with you about the happy, sad, glad and mad feelings that is a very good thing. When our loved ones go quiet is when things get hardest.
Let her vent all she can. Mine is doing the same thing K6770
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Old 01-21-2018, 05:50 PM
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I also, let my women scold me all she wants no matter what she says I am doing wrong I just agree with her and tell her just how Beautiful, Kind, Carrying, Loving, and Tender she has become to me. I want to build and keep my womens self esteem as high as possible. I pray this will help you two.
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Old 01-23-2018, 08:31 PM
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Let her vent all she can. Mine is doing the same thing K6770
AM is home now, but at times she was very careful about venting during visits because she didn't want me to worry. Other times she just told me as it was and then sometimes regretted afterward. We both think way too much.
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Old 01-23-2018, 11:46 PM
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AM is home now, but at times she was very careful about venting during visits because she didn't want me to worry. Other times she just told me as it was and then sometimes regretted afterward. We both think way too much.
Good for you .. I am missing mine so much and I think I have another 6 to 9 months to go. And I am feeling lost now days if you remember this stage of there incarceration *Policy and Procedure* Thank You
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Old 01-29-2018, 10:07 PM
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Good for you .. I am missing mine so much and I think I have another 6 to 9 months to go. And I am feeling lost now days if you remember this stage of there incarceration *Policy and Procedure* Thank You
Just rolling with things can be very hard at times.
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Old 01-30-2018, 09:15 AM
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Wow I am amazed at a lot of these responses and not in a good way. Prison is not sleep away camp and coddling someone is never good. I get trying to reassure someone about looks and self esteem. But I think being positive in a constructive way would go a lot further then what I've read. I'm a woman who saw her husband thru two prison terms. First time I babied his dumb ass second time it was more of tough love approach which he respected way more. Stop trying to put yourself in her place YOUR NOT!!! Stop the feeling sorry for her she did break the law!! Be supportive but don't baby!! You have to set some boundries or you can never be happy if your always feeling that overwhelming guilt for being on the outside.
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Old 01-31-2018, 10:55 AM
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Wow I am amazed at a lot of these responses and not in a good way. Prison is not sleep away camp and coddling someone is never good. I get trying to reassure someone about looks and self esteem. But I think being positive in a constructive way would go a lot further then what I've read. I'm a woman who saw her husband thru two prison terms. First time I babied his dumb ass second time it was more of tough love approach which he respected way more. Stop trying to put yourself in her place YOUR NOT!!! Stop the feeling sorry for her she did break the law!! Be supportive but don't baby!! You have to set some boundries or you can never be happy if your always feeling that overwhelming guilt for being on the outside.
I think this is a good point as well.

I have always been one of Dee's biggest advocates. But one day I heard her sister kind of going through this "oh woe is Dee" bit and being coddling and I told her "(sis,) you know I love and support Dee, I've always got her back, you do too, and what she experienced was excessive. But don't forget....she did something that put her where she was. We can look for causes all we want. But she still needs to be held accountable for her actions, not just her past but her present. She's on parole. We need to make sure that our support is toward her completing that. Not toward coddling her just because she's having a hard time. Parole doesn't care. She slips up, they'll lock her up for a 10 day flash and maybe longer."

I've had to reinforce some boundaries recently for both myself and for Dee.

Yes, we should be supportive, and different approaches work differently for different relationships. I'm not an advocate of "kicking someone when they're down." But we do need to be able to draw our own boundaries. Which, talking to most men here, they do well, but I think the point that OP (Wilkes) is trying to make is to try to draw some understanding of what it is that the women may be experiencing based on what he has learned here and what Tammy has told him.

Always appreciate your perspective, XO. You tell it like it is. We need that around here, too.

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Old 01-31-2018, 11:01 AM
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I also, let my women scold me all she wants no matter what she says I am doing wrong I just agree with her and tell her just how Beautiful, Kind, Carrying, Loving, and Tender she has become to me. I want to build and keep my womens self esteem as high as possible. I pray this will help you two.
Let me kind of touch on this one for a moment.

I am not saying your lady has no right to say things to you about things she may be upset about. But how this comes across, I'm sitting here wondering...why would you let her scold you all she wants? Did you do something that put her in the position she's in now?

Recognizing what our loved ones need, being supportive, even letting them vent is great. And we want to reinforce all the positive we see. But we also have to be able to take care of ourselves. When she scolds you, what does that do for YOU that is in any way positive? How does that make your relationship better? Is it constructive for you? Is there something constructive in it for her?

Self-care. VERY important. Yes, help care for her, but make sure you're caring for yourself. Them being in a bad place is not an excuse to have to take scoldings from them....and when Dee would try it with me, I didn't let her scold me, I fought back. I let her know that if there was a problem she could vent it, but I wasn't the one who put her where she was. And her bunkies and friends in prison re-enforced it. When her friend Cee came out she said "you know how many times she'd come back from a phone call bitching about you and we'd tell her to shut up and remember all the things you did do for her? And then she'd be calling back all apologizing?" I laugh...I feel like when Dee was locked up I had an entire support team and part of that support team were the women locked up with her that were halfway decent and understood not only her importance to me but my importance to her. They had my back. I had theirs. And that made it easier to stand my ground...but I would have done it anyway.

Please don't accept being scolded just for the sake of being scolded...that is NOT fair to you.
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Old 01-31-2018, 12:13 PM
xolady xolady is offline
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Originally Posted by amanmissingwife View Post
I also, let my women scold me all she wants no matter what she says I am doing wrong I just agree with her and tell her just how Beautiful, Kind, Carrying, Loving, and Tender she has become to me. I want to build and keep my womens self esteem as high as possible. I pray this will help you two.
Frankly and I don't mean this in a mean way but really your being a fool. Why would you ever let anyone in prison jail or wherever do this to you? I'd be damned if I let anyone berate me to build their ego, all your doing is allowing her to be an abusive shrew. PS Shrew was the nicer of the terms I was thinking of. Frankly she should be grateful for having a guy who is sticking by her, not abusing him.
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