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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 04-15-2015, 02:16 PM
Miss Meeow Miss Meeow is offline
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Default How do you handle being in a relationship with a lifer?

I'm sorry for such a stupid question but I'm at a loss right now.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't want to judge you, I don't want to ask you why you're in these relationships. I just want to learn the how.

Some background: I do have a friend who's a lifer, LWOP, but he hopes that one day, maybe, he might get paroled. Anyway, we had a pretty good conversation today about him and about how he tries to shut down his feelings in there. Simply because he things that with him being in prison he'll never be able to have some kind of "normal" relationship. He doesn't want to be so selfish and put a woman through such a torture (that's more or less what he said). And well, I feel so sorry for him because I don't think that only because he's in prison he wouldn't deserve love and such.

Well, and then I had to think about you, about all these strong women (and men) on here and was wondering: How the hell can you all do it?
Could you live all your dreams (even with him being in prison)?
What about children? If you didn't have any prior to him going to prison, did you give up on this dream? Or what did you do? IVF? And well, what about the physical needs one has in a relationship? (And I'm not talking about sex only...there's so much more to it...I love being hold at nights or so...stuff like this...)

Well, I hope I didn't offend you...
Thanks so much...
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Old 04-15-2015, 02:38 PM
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I personally had to do a LOT of soul searching, this is not a path to be taken lightly.

I adored him the first time we met (we are MWI, and visits behind glass.) By the second visit I was absolutely smitten, but scared. We wrote about his sentence, and at first I didn't understand about California's 3-strikes law. So I learned.

We just progressed like a normal relationship. Would I love to have him next to me at night, of course! But that is not the had that has been dealt. We are excited to take the next step for us, which will be as soon as they move him we will get contact visits and I am beyond excited to have his arms around me and a kiss, even if its just a moment, it will be more than what we have had so far.

We love each other, and that is what matters right here and now.
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Old 04-16-2015, 12:17 AM
maniacswifey619 maniacswifey619 is offline
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Goodness being in a relationship with a lifer is one of the most difficult things I've ever chosen to do. There are a lot of ups and downs. A lot of mood swings and a lot of worrisome times. When I started this journey I was so sure that I could and would be able to trek along with him
But it gets harder and harder every day and sometimes the pain I feel without him is so unbearable. Sometimes I just want to scream out loud from the frustration of it all but then I think to myself and remind myself that I chose this life. I chose to love a man who is incarcerated and sentenced to 15-life with parole. My choice. And I just take it one day at a time.
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:40 AM
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Thank you for the answers.
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Old 04-18-2015, 08:08 AM
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There are also gifts in this situation, believe it or not. We choose to focus on those.
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Old 04-19-2015, 03:37 PM
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I know this is off subject...but do any of you here have experience with offering the right kind of guidance to your lifer who may get parole?

My friend has the possibility of parole. He has been up for 35 years and has been turned down three times. His next review is in 2017. I think they want more admission from him about his crime. But legally they can't hold that against someone if they don't want to discuss the crime. But we all know they can. They say they want to see "insight"

I think he is too stubborn for his own good. He seems to think they won't tell him what he needs to work on. I suspect he has more of an in prison record than he has told me, but not sure.

Is his parole rejection a public record? I have seen the last one on Legal Eagle because of an appeal he filed. But I have not see the others. The commissioner at the last one said he "looking good" and is "a wait and see kind of guy". He is active in committees etc and not gang involved, no drugs etc. At least he says....

Is there a forum here for helping a lifer with his in prison attitude etc?e or time leading up to hearing? Do inmates who file writs and appeals get black listed? Thanks!
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Old 04-27-2015, 02:48 PM
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I can honestly say this is nothing I have planned out to do with my life..lol..My man and I were childhood friends and I've always had this deep bond with him....26 years later I just so happen to bump into him again....And he just hits the spot in every which way..This is my soulmate and WE were destined to be with one another...And I think when something is DESTINED you will supernaturaly endure the storm with a smile and a willing heart...That's my take on all of this...I feel complete with him that all this behind the bars stuff don't faze me one bit...I feel like what I went through in life the ups and the downs has prepared me for this life with a man that may never be free for the rest of his life...I may not have the white picket fence dream every girl dreams of..But this is my reality that I embrace with all that I am...I now look foward to phone calls and letters and visits..Diffrent from ur normal relationship..But as God spoke to my heart and said 'Who is going to love the lifer?' Not everyone can do this but some woman I feel...God has fully equiped to have the ability to walk hand in hand with their man till the very end of this life...
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Old 04-29-2015, 04:53 PM
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One day at a time... That's the best way I can put it. Everyone else has given you some really great advise. We are all family and here if you need us.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:19 PM
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Old 04-30-2015, 06:29 PM
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Default Im too am in love with a lifer

I don't know what to do about my relationship with my lifer. I write to him every chance I get. Yet i'm involved with someone else. But I cannot stop writing to him. I believe that we have a great connection. I'm standing next to him through bad and good. He is trying to have his case heard he has been in jail for 35 years now they are looking on his case. I cannot stop writing I have feelings for him. I don't know how he feels about me but we have corresponding for awhile now. He remembered my birthday and he sends me sweet letters and keeps it real for me. What to do.
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Old 06-04-2015, 12:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalBeachGirl View Post
I know this is off subject...but do any of you here have experience with offering the right kind of guidance to your lifer who may get parole?

My friend has the possibility of parole. He has been up for 35 years and has been turned down three times. His next review is in 2017. I think they want more admission from him about his crime. But legally they can't hold that against someone if they don't want to discuss the crime. But we all know they can. They say they want to see "insight"

I think he is too stubborn for his own good. He seems to think they won't tell him what he needs to work on. I suspect he has more of an in prison record than he has told me, but not sure.

Is his parole rejection a public record? I have seen the last one on Legal Eagle because of an appeal he filed. But I have not see the others. The commissioner at the last one said he "looking good" and is "a wait and see kind of guy". He is active in committees etc and not gang involved, no drugs etc. At least he says....

Is there a forum here for helping a lifer with his in prison attitude etc?e or time leading up to hearing? Do inmates who file writs and appeals get black listed? Thanks!
We are not in California, however after reading several stories on this forum of lifers in California being released I would encourage your lifer to do what ever it is they ask and/or expect of him in order to get paroled. California DOES parole lifers and there are not many states that do.

Has he completed the programs offered to him? Does he stay busy with something productive? If he shows himself to be a model inmate he might get help from staff, such as letters of support if they are allowed to do such things.

He is going to need all the help he can get to make parole, all the favorable reviews he can. He cannot afford to have "an attitude". This is their game, played their way.

We are in a state in the middle of the bible belt that seldom paroles lifers. My guy has been in for over 37 years, been up for parole multiple times since 1991, been approved over 9 times by the board but we can't get past the governor. The last time which was last year we were approved again, but this time the entire parole board got fired, we had to go up again before a brand new board made up entirely of ex-law enforcement or ex-prosecutors and ex-judges. You can imagine how well that went. Things are looking very bleak here for any violent offenders. We have a ton of support too, but it did us no good.

I say that to say this, California is not Oklahoma. They seem to be paroling more and more lifers, while overcrowding is bad here, it is insane there. So he needs to get his attitude in check and concentrate on making himself look as parole worthy as possible. He needs to look like a "model inmate".
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Old 06-04-2015, 05:13 AM
maniacswifey619 maniacswifey619 is offline
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OK so its been 4 years 9 months. This journey so far hasn't been easy at all. Many ups and downs. Not too many disagreements along the way. Many happy times. Tons of phone calls, some visits, moderate amount of letters. All of which I cherish. Even the horrible and lonely times. All of him worth the wait. Will he ever come home? Only GOD knows that. We shall see. I trust my faith. Its a difficult road to travel on
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Old 08-27-2016, 11:08 PM
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I have to tell you its been one of the most complicated and REWARDING relationships ive ever had. weve been together 10yrs ...... 8 yrs married ..... hes been released after doing 26 yrs ....... since hes been out everything seems kinda surreal ina good way. Looking back i ask myself how did i do it ? I kept myself as busy as I could but he was always my main focus .... the more time I spent with him the more inlove I was which in turn made me realize I couldnt picture myself with anyone else . The more committed I became the more determined I was to stay with him . Doing time with a man theres nothing easy about it . But like I said it is one of the most rewarding relationships I could have ever hoped for .
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Old 08-28-2016, 04:17 AM
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Default follow your gut

loving a lifer. i never thought i would admit it to myself and never to him. i dated him in high school and i dumped him when i had some family issues i didn't want him involved with. i went to foster care in another town, when i returned he was in love with someone else. he told me to forget him.
i saw him at a party one night soon after, i was with a guy from out of town. everyone was real drunk but when he saw me with another man i could tell he was raging mad so i left. later than nite he raped and beat his neighbor in a drunken rage. i always thought i should've been his victim that night. he got life.
for thirty years i tried my hardest to forget him. i met a man from a nearby town and tried to forget the lifer by moving on with my life. one day i melted down and wrote him a letter, i was sorry i left that party, i was sorry i didn't go back for him that night, i was sorry i didn't write him for 30 years and that i could never forget him.
it wasn't easy to admit my love for him, especially after so long but honestly it felt like my heart was a pin cushion completely full with needles until i got his first letter in the mail, then a phone call, then an o'mail soon my heart began to heal. his mom and the woman he's in love with visit a few times a year. that was last year, i visited him four months straight, each time staying four days sometimes longer. i'm in caly he's in iowa. i haven't been able to see him this year but i'm planning on visiting in october for his 50th bday since i know he'll be alone.
i still love him, he still loves her. our real saving grace was the fact we never had sex. we are just friends but he knows how much i love him, because i tell him every chance i get. he says he can't give me anything more than friendship and i'm not asking for anything more than that. he says he'll never get out but i believe he will. when he does i'll lend him all the support he will accept, i want nothing in return.
about three days into our first visit we figured out that he is my husband's cousin, a few minutes after we figured it out i needed a walk so we went to the vending machines for a coke. when we sat down the coke label read, have a coke with Tracy. guess what my name is? god has a plan, never doubt that.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:02 AM
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Could never do it, I love me more and life does go on we have to be careful of the choices we make in life.
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Old 11-10-2017, 07:09 AM
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I thought long and hard about what I love and need, and the result is, I love and need him more than anything else. So he remains my no.1 priority and I'll do anything to cheer him up.
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