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  #76  
Old 05-23-2016, 10:55 AM
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set reminding for later....
thanks for that interesting thread
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  #77  
Old 05-23-2016, 09:08 PM
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For better or worse, the most disturbing thing about this thread is the few posts I skimmed through implying that women who are overweight are undesirable and will not find a man who loves them. Granted, I don't know the struggle because I'm a little bit of a gym rat, but I refuse to think most people are that shallow. In prison they don't have shit to do but work out. The vast majority of them don't look the same when they went in versus after doing several years.

Then again, I've had a pen pal tell me I need to be "more fit" before...even though I'm 5'6 and 130lbs. Lololololol

Anyway, that was disturbing. It's not like being in prison suddenly makes men uninterested in larger women. Some people prefer that. Not everyone wants a damn barbie doll.
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  #78  
Old 08-19-2016, 03:08 AM
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For better or worse, the most disturbing thing about this thread is the few posts I skimmed through implying that women who are overweight are undesirable and will not find a man who loves them. Granted, I don't know the struggle because I'm a little bit of a gym rat, but I refuse to think most people are that shallow. In prison they don't have shit to do but work out. The vast majority of them don't look the same when they went in versus after doing several years.

Then again, I've had a pen pal tell me I need to be "more fit" before...even though I'm 5'6 and 130lbs. Lololololol

Anyway, that was disturbing. It's not like being in prison suddenly makes men uninterested in larger women. Some people prefer that. Not everyone wants a damn barbie doll.
Its women and the media who think men arent interested in bigger women not men. Other women are the ones who bring the size issue into every argument and usually the ones that bring it up arent all that skinny. As a skinny woman its quite funny watching them trying to think of an insult that doesnt involve size. Sadly woman are our own worst enemy.
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  #79  
Old 08-19-2016, 05:24 AM
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There is no one size fits all.some guys like bigger girls curvy girls tall girls skinny girls ,small girls,, it's a personal choice we all have our types. The media often portrays the fashionable body type of the moment and then encourage women to aspire to that with diets and excercise regimes promising that physical ideal to sell their magazines. Sadly these magazines are often edited by women.
My body type is short and curvy I am not suddenly going to become tall and slim regardless of how I work out or eat. I am not going to get a kardasian butt or a Jessica Ennis abs .I am physically fit and I am confident and happy in my own skin.
No woman should be made to feel inadequate because of some guys body preference or some glossy photo shopped pics in a magazine. We define ourselves not them.
Weight is important for your general Health so it's important to look after your body for your health not to conform. If a guy isn't interested because you are too big or too small then move on there are plenty who will like you just as you are.
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Old 08-19-2016, 06:16 AM
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Of course I agree with the last few posts. I think though, the original post only mentioned weight as a side note, the problem being "grossly overweight". I'm thinking that goes far beyond someone's natural size or a functional state. I believe it's pointing out the co-dependency of choosing an inmate relationship over dealing with things in one's own life, one of which being taking care of oneself. Not everyone has this type of relationship (or problem) but I'm sure it's out there. I don't think they were putting down people of different sizes per se.

I do have to agree with theme: to not concentrate one's time on someone else, over spending the time needed on oneself.
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Old 08-19-2016, 06:54 AM
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I absolutely agree that weight is part of a bigger issue of self esteem. Predatory individuals inmates or otherwise can pick up on those who have low self esteem and use it to manipulate for their own agendas.
The original post is not a unique view of how some inmates operate there are many such articles a claims out there. I have heard similar from my own pen pals who tell how other inmates try get all they can get from pen pals for a variety of reasons.we also hear on here how women and men have waited for Mwi loved ones for years only to never hear from them again when they walk through the gate.
It happens for multiple reasons it's just a shame the media especially here in the uk portrays prison pen pals as lonely late middle age women who are obese and socially isolated. As we know women and men involved with inmates come from all social backgrounds and are all ages and shapes and sizes.

It can be s game of roulette forming a friendship with an inmate but it can be very rewarding and some meet their life partners it's about keeping your wits about you and getting support from others who have been there ...us
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  #82  
Old 08-19-2016, 05:13 PM
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The phrase "grossly overweight" applied to women pushes an emotional button that all too many of us share.

My mother consistently called me "Lard" when I was a child - and believe me, that has negatively affected my self-image more than anything else in my life...and from the comments above, I believe many women on this board share the same pain. Otherwise, (what seems to have been) a thoughtless comment from someone we don't know would have been shrugged off just as easily as if he had said "brown-eyed women" or "women under 5'6" tall."

The seed of society's unrealistic expecation that a woman is worth only how good she looks is planted in the children of "Toddlers and Tiaras" and continues into the invisibility of women over the age of 50.

It's a wonder we all aren't selling ourselves short, hooking up with the inmates described in the original posts or seeing shrinks on a regular basis to address our body issues.

Here is the bottom line on the phrase that has rubbed salt in a few wounds that aren't as healed over as we (perhaps) thought:

We have to value ourselves more - and no one can do that work except...US!

Remember that Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." That quote has been in my work cubicle for the past twenty years.

Realizing that our weight neither makes us successes or losers in life is a hard lesson, but it's one that we have to learn.

If you don't like the way you look, change it (but realize that even the best plastic surgeon can't stave off the effects of time forever). If you are overweight and are concerned about your health, lose weight. If you are under-educated, go back to school as soon as your personal responsibilities will allow it.

When you become the best you that you can be, the change in your perception about yourself will be the best protection you can have against being taken advantage of by anyone else - in jail or out.

(And yes, I'm still working on it! )
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  #83  
Old 08-27-2016, 08:14 AM
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So, if you were together on the outside then I think you know who you got already? Is he referring to those who are MWI? I have actually seen some of those work out but not many. I have also seen men with different women frequently to visit. The funny thing was this one man who had multiple different hoochie mamas (they all dressed kinda that way) did not act nice to them when they came. He would get his kiss, paw on them a little, but, it wasnt long before he was mouthy and an ass. No idea what the guy was in there for but remember, some of them are in there for rape or worse. I was with mine for 2 years on the outside and even now sometimes I know I get that look of WHAT did you say? Sometimes I want to walk away and do for awhile. And I know him well. Like really well, married to, know family etc. But, any relationship on the outside can break up as well as on the inside. Do they stay longer because they want money on their books. Maybe so. It is a hard one to figure.
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  #84  
Old 08-27-2016, 01:34 PM
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My husband and I are MWI and I will take my cues about who he is from his family. The people who actually know him. When he was released in Aug 2014, he made a lot of changes to his lifestyle, including getting married. The problem was he didn't make enough changes to keep him from going back. He was trying, though.

We met through a mutual friend who was writing his cellie. Dude was playing her, which we talked about after dude's release. Mr. B told me that that a lot of the guys do play games, but not all of them. He also told me that a lot of the time, the women dictate whether they are going to be used. I have some of his penpal letters and understand what he meant. Some of those women would start after the third or fourth letter asking if he needed anything, asking how to put money on his books...Immediately wanting phone calls...talking about visits....telling him that they were falling in love with him. He even had one trying all this stuff after he told her he had someone in his life that was extremely special to him. So it's not all the men.

He has also told me that the men are the same person in prison as they are on the streets. Someone who has a propensity for using people on the outside, will definitely use people, even other inmates, on the inside. He didn't give me a lot of secrets, but since he has known I've been involved with this site since we became a couple, he told me a few things for MWIs.
  • If possible, check out their charges. If they are in for anything that involved lying or manipulating people, you know up front that is something they are prone to.
  • If they are too agreeable...they don't want to upset you and run you off.
  • Even if they don't ask for things outright, but make comments about things breaking or wearing out frequently, they are wanting money.
  • Make sure the pictures they send you match their mug shot (Arizona has them on their inmate search)
He always tells me that some people are just scumbags and they make things difficult for those who aren't.



That's my two cents on the situation.
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  #85  
Old 08-27-2016, 01:58 PM
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  • If possible, check out their charges. If they are in for anything that involved lying or manipulating people, you know up front that is something they are prone to.
  • If they are too agreeable...they don't want to upset you and run you off.
  • Even if they don't ask for things outright, but make comments about things breaking or wearing out frequently, they are wanting money.
  • Make sure the pictures they send you match their mug shot (Arizona has them on their inmate search)
He always tells me that some people are just scumbags and they make things difficult for those who aren't.

That's my two cents on the situation.
I would also add if they have the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality when they don't get what they want or you are slow to jump at their wants. So many times we see women talking about how mean and nasty their men get when they can't do what they want when they want it. Then they come back and talk about how everything is so great and their man is so sweet...Well f course you did what he wanted and bought his love for another day.
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  #86  
Old 10-02-2016, 12:52 PM
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This is from a friend of mine, a pen-pal I have written to for 10+ years. He is commenting on the fact that my husband whom I met while incarcerated, married, waited 8 years, spent 2 years homeless on the streets in San Diego while he was on Parole, got through parole, moved to AZ, just up and left without saying a word! Went to work and never came home. Sent someone to pick up his stuff.

Here is what my friend had to say about it all. He is a lifer, been in 22+ years.

"Personally, I think you need to (should always HAVE been) st higher standards on who you choose to bring into your life. I hate to say this, and at the risk of sinking my own boat, you would probably do well to STOP dealing with prisoners/felons/convicts. Sure, every now and then a gem can be found, but that isn't the point. There's nothing noble or sensible about picking men who can do little for you. Plus, it's suspect (from the man's perspective). 99% of the guys in here will SAY whatever a woman wants to hear, at least while he's IN here. 99% of the men in here will get with damn near any woman who shows up. It's not that guys don't have standards in here, it's just that in here the everyday necessity of the situation makes men get into relationships that they ordinarily wouldn't. It's hard to say this, dear, but yes, men lower their standards. That isn't to say that any given woman isn't a good woman...she may in fact be. What I mean is that in here, men don't have the luxury of being picky, and most aren't. I've seen it first hand and heard it out of a thousand guy's mouths. Dudes in here have gotten with chicks who they wouldn't have looked at twice on the streets. It's pragmatism at its best. When one has nothing, they'll take anything."

"Therein lay the inherent problem with chicks getting with men in prison: You'll never be 100% certain that it is YOU or the circumstance that brought the two of you together. That said, I'm not saying that genuine relationships and love HAVEN'T been found and established in these situations".

"You better be taking all this in because I'm giving you a bunch of game that isn't supposed to be disclosed. This is privileged information...prison code. And I'm breaking it for you".

"Continuing on...this is generally how guys in here view this issue. We figure that generally (and I mean GENERALLY because there are certainly exceptions to the rule), women who gravitate to men in prison are flawed. I know that sounds terrible, but think about it like this: WHAT woman in her right mind, with things going for herself, with good self-esteem, and with options (ACCEPTABLE options) OUT THERE, would WANT a relationship with a dude who is, more often than not, a loser? SO it brings into question the value of the chick. From our perspedtive, the kinds of women most of us WANT are not interested in being with US, understandably. Conversely, we view, rightly oe wrongly, women who have relationships with prisoners as desperate. Chicks who don't really have options out there."

"That's Harsh, but I'm just telling youu what the dynamics are."

"Now, there's another aspect to this. Control. Many chicks LIKE having relationships with dudes in prison because of the control it gives them in the relationship. Bottom line, SHE is in complete control. Men will put up with and go along with damn near anything out of duress and fear of her leaving him high and dry. That sounds like a guy's motivations are not good, but it isn't that at all. It's pragmatism. Relationship equals, in many cases, physical survival at some level. Emotional survival at others. Packages, mail, visits, canteen, etc. It's simple math. If a girl is contributing such things, she's good as gold, and many gals know that. Though they may not hold that over dude's head, it's always there in the back of the dude's mind, I can assure you of that!"

"So gals like these situations if for no other reason than the power it gives them in the relationship. Literally everything is their call. Now, that doesn't mean that the guy won't develop some real feelings for the girl...doing things like I just told you about makes a girl mighty attractive."

"So that's just something you should know about these situations, hon. From both sides, women choosing men in jail means certain things and indicates certain things. You mentioned in your letter why, if he wasn't in it for the long haul didn't he just tell you? You asked how he could just throw it all away after all you've been through? I hate to say it so bluntly, but, EASILY. That's because you got him at his lowest point, and "rescued him," for lack of a better term. This is what happens when one starts a relationship from the position of necessity: ANY flotation device will seem like the Love Boat."

"So there you have it. Now you know SOME of the things that men in prison know and feel about relationships while incarcerated. Not to call all the men in here users, because all of us are not. But in the harsh light of reality, love doesn't feed us, love doesn't keep deoderant under our arms, toothpaste in our mouths, or soap on our bodies. It doesn't do ANYTHING that's substitute for these things. A man in jail will choose physical support over all the lovey-dovey stuff any day of the week. Sure, guys LIKE relationships: we like food and other requirements of prison better. To that end, practically any gal that shows up will do. Hell, I've seen dudes in here strike up "relationships" with punks (homosexuals) because the punk was taking care of them. They'd NEVER have a physical relationship with another dude, but if telling this punk that they love him and are into him keeps him looked after, so be it. Again, pragmatism. One doesn't scoff at support, no matter who's providing it."

So there you have it ladies. Right out of the horses mouth. Pay attention. If you are co-dependent, grossly overweight, or other problems, work on yourself first. Don't go looking for someone else to make you feel better about yourself. It doesn't last.
What if you're beautiful, have a career, good, and have ALOT of guys out here that want to be with you BUT you loved a gangster out here that ended up in prison? He wanted you before he went in & now he won't let go? What if you have left him on his own for acting up but he still insists he wants you & doesn't want anything from you but letters? And you're a successful woman that knows you can do better but see potential in him?
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Old 10-02-2016, 01:27 PM
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What if you're beautiful, have a career, good, and have ALOT of guys out here that want to be with you BUT you loved a gangster out here that ended up in prison? He wanted you before he went in & now he won't let go? What if you have left him on his own for acting up but he still insists he wants you & doesn't want anything from you but letters? And you're a successful woman that knows you can do better but see potential in him?
I would say that person would be vain, a little narsasistic and would wonder why they are with that person if they "know they can do better". If I knew that's what this person thought of me I'd drop them in an instant. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are hundreds of "good looking" people who are ugly on the inside. I would say that person is very self centered and should look within themselves for happiness instead of concentrating on superficial qualities others see in them or they see in themselves. Thats what I would tell someone if they asked.
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  #88  
Old 10-28-2016, 07:07 AM
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This is the realest post I've seen thus far👏👏👏👏 He seems genuine. Sorry your ex did that to you. I wish you the best.
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Old 10-31-2016, 10:22 AM
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Very good thread. I have been married to my Inmate for 17 years, going on 18. If he is just using me for his own benefits, got news for him he's messing with the wrong girl. And he knows it. But I met my husband outside of prison, before he elected to screw himself up. This is the longest relationship he has ever been in, and per say he is very lucky I haven't filed for divorce "yet".....we have other things in our lives at the moment and time will tell if he is ready to except real life verse's prison life. If he thinks and has before that I am going to send money, packages, or except phone calls at my expense he has me all wrong. In a sense it is you have to earn that trust there buddy before I will lend a helping hand. I will NOT tolerate his bullshit drug addictions, or listen to his "its your fault" when I didn't steal, use drugs, act like a idiot. He said once before back in 2013 when he was sitting on his ass in county jail that he wasn't ready for the outside world. Well he got his wish. Prison life isn't no picnic. I on the other hand can get up in the middle of the night, get something to drink turn on the tube watch a movie, or read a book. I don't have a "guard" telling me when to shit, eat, exercise, shower, or when I have "yard time"........both his father and I will not tolerate enabling his drug addiction. He has the choice to turn his life around, or spend the rest of his life behind bars. I have taught our children and we talk about it a lot, if you use drugs, or you steal you have to own up to your own actions. Mommy will be there for you emotionally, but I will NOT bail you out. You have to learn this on your own. After we lost our oldest daughter to a TC, I think this may be the turning point in his life. Maybe. Maybe not. But as I said the choice is his. If he wants a life where he won't have to report to a parole officer or piss test, then that's up to him. I am not going to hold his hand. He's a big boy, and he has the options to get his shit together, or go back and forth with CDC. Since he was sent to Blythe CA I haven't seen him yet. Not because I don't want to, its because I am not going to have a break down in my truck that I just paid thousands in repairs. I work long hours for a alarm company, I take care of myself, and our kids. We come first, he is on second base. I have bills, and a mortgage, insurance for myself and our kids, I have to buy the basics so we live with in our means. And yes I have a good sense of common knowledge, and self esteem. I have seen a few women who have gone so far out on that limb that they have lost their place to live all for someone who thinks that being in prison and not having a real place to call home is worth it. Really? 3 hots and a cot, clothes, and what the state issues to the inmates, well holy shit, they have it made. As for women who are desperate out of loneliness to find a companion or mate, I agree prison isn't the place. I suggest being a pen pal for a really long time, read between those lines and see if this is the life you want to lead. And if he is true in the long run, then its a possibility it will work on the outside. But when it comes to me, me, me, meaning him, then its not. But the minute he starts asking for money on the books, packages, that is a RED flag that he is just using you. Spending hundreds of dollars on packages is bullshit. His dad & I send the basics. he wanted me to send him a TV, ya right, not in his life time, he has day room. Send him a book of stamps and if he use's those stamps solely to write you then fine. But if you get a piece of mail here and there, then stop it. Its your money, and with that you have to pay taxes, rent, etc just to get by. Our kids put money on a pre-paid account for him, and it wasn't a lot. He's hoping me and his father will send money for this pre-paid account so he can buy his own TV. Well that will take some time, a long time. I won't do the prepaid but as for our 2 children they wanted their dad to have something. But that is only once. Just throwing in my two cents.
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:57 AM
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Mwi, got married for 9years he told me what I wanted to hear, lied to me all those years only to get out to be with his Ex of 23 years... he said he never stopped loving her?? so ladies from experience, please take note and guard your heart, I wish I would have
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