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Old 09-04-2014, 02:20 PM
inurok inurok is offline
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Well I have asked him to tell me every detail of cheating from the day it started till his last phonesex session and he gives me 1 answer here and there but has not told me what I asked. I have also asked some questions he still has not answered. I write him at least 6 page letters a day his last letter to me was half a page. he is locked up 23 hrs a day so he has the time? I forgave him but he still not answering my questions. I went and had a HIV test today and thank god it came up negative.
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Old 09-04-2014, 02:57 PM
southernsarah southernsarah is offline
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You are obviously getting something out of being in this abusive relationship where you are treated like a dog and only feel you have value if you can get him to toss you a crumb. You have three choices. Make one.
1.Seek counseling to learn how to leave and do it.
2. Save your money and just leave him
3 Stop worrying about it and just submit to being abused until he leaves you someday for someone who has more money, bigger house etc.
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have.
To the moms of incarcerated children: "We are true survivors. The fact that we are still alive and breathing with the gaping holes in our hearts is testimony of this." ------copied from PWIP

Last edited by southernsarah; 09-04-2014 at 03:03 PM..
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Old 09-04-2014, 05:56 PM
tigrldy tigrldy is offline
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Inurok if loving some one and being happy with them during the good time was all that was needed to make a relationship work you would not have heard half as much from anyone here. About 30 some years ago I worked with a young girl who was married to an abusive husband. She loved him and showed it in public when she was with him. But she quit wearing her teeth. He kept knocking them out. She was about 8 1/2months pregnant with all fine. The next day she was in the hospital with internal bleeding and hash lost the baby after he beat he in the stomach. They couldn't stop the bleeding quick enough to save the baby, but she survived. He had always promised her he would never beat her again, he loved her all of the regular lines. Love was just not enough. I don't know what happened to her. She did not come back to work right away and the company we worked for went under.

I think the people responding to you are wanting you to know that violence escalates. It starts small. A fist here, a knife there, a gun. The whole thing can get out of control very quickly. He may be the one that ends up dead at your hands if you get to the point where you have to defend your self. Love if it is real and lasting does not need immediate gratification. You both have issues. You've admitted that. Live separately, get therapy and date. There is no rule that says you have to move in together to be in a relationship. Have him get his own live together so he can become a responsible productive citizen instead of living off of you. That just turns him into

It just appears,that you have made up your mind that you are not letting go of this relationship. People will be here for you when it goes,bad.
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Old 09-25-2014, 06:21 PM
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Personality disorders, whether narcissistic, borderline, or antisocial do not get better. There is no treatment. The only way to deal with them is to not let them into your life and to get rid of them when they are. Only he is responsible for his behavior, and anyone who grabs a knife, acts like a maniac, and makes threats belongs in jail. That's who it's for. So don't feel bad. There are better people out there.
"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." - D.H. Lawrence

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Old 10-03-2014, 06:18 AM
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I will be honest and blunt here....you are loving the drama that this man/child brings to your life. You ask for advice and were given lots of it from people who know what they are talking about but its not what you want to hear so you disregard it for more drama.
The drama is going to end in a court room one day hopefully you will be there to give your evidence maybe not.
The boyfriend is a vile brat you allow him to use you and abuse you,you dont have the right to allow him to abuse your pet.
You need therapy and you need it fast.
Mrs Mroch
Just like the sunshine after rain
I'll come
To be with you will save the day
'Cos I know
When I'm with you again
You just steal my heart away

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Old 10-20-2014, 11:21 AM
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Default You can't save somebody from themself

Originally Posted by inurok View Post
Well my worst fears came to life. Police came to my door requesting my boyfriend because he missed a court date. They arrested him. I spoke to him in jail and asked for the password on his iphone so I could get his moms new number. Well what I found out was shocking. basically for months and months he has been having video phone sex with all sorts of guys in the local area. he would send me a text at work say he he loved me then 10 minutes later get naked on the phone for random guys. I also found out that each time I sent him to texas for 2 weeks for court dates etc he was actually sleeping with ex lovers every night.
He is in jail now and I have been fighting to get him out. I told him what I found out he says he will change and that he is sorry. he claims he was just bored and like the attention but would never leave me. I cant just let him rot in jail and he is only 19 im 43 maybe I should have tried hard as a lover. Well he is in jail and because he violated probation in texas he had bail but tx put a detainer on him so they wont let him out if I pay his bail.
Dude, I dunno even where to begin. I came to this site seeking answers to an incredibly similar situation you've been in. Slight differences. I'm female, been involved with a male only 3 months younger then me; we're both 48 yrs old. He's a childhood friend whom I lost contact with for 28 years before his Mom passed away last year, and I went back to our home town to attend her funeral service. The actions of your boyfriend match his almost ver batim.
I immediately started being told by various family members of his that they thought he was on Meth, but he always denied it. Since then, I've learned for a fact that he is. We were together as 'a couple' for about a month before his abuse started. Verbal and mental abuse first; insults about how I dressed, kept house, my job, my choice of friends, making incredibly inappropriate comments regarding sex in front of my friends and room mates....the abuse escalates very fast. In my case, he was not only a childhood friend of 40 years, he'd also been my twin brothers best friend for 25 of those years. So when he said he'd protect me from anyone who would even DARE to hurt me, I believed him. He's now in jail facing up to 15 years penitentiary time for multiple charges which include aggravated assault, aggravated sexual assault, asa with a weapon and forcible confinement. What he wasn't charged with, and I don't know why, is attempted murder. He smothered me several times, and last time, I was sure I was about to die.
I can see that you feel the same guilt and remorse I feel at seeing your mate behind bars. I'm also having to face the fact that he's not a kid, he knows what he did was wrong, is very controlling and manipulative, and that I can't save him from himself. What I CAN see, that you apparently can't yet, is....our mates are narcissistic and possibly sociopathic sadists who will continue to hurt us only so long as we let them. I'm in the process of trying to set up counselling with domestic assault workers, and I strongly urge you to do the same. Do NOT bail him out of jail again. He's counting on you doing so, and that will convince him that you're an even bigger sap then he thought you were. Sorry, but again.....that's a harsh reality I'm also having to face too.
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Old 10-20-2014, 03:45 PM
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bumblebee37 bumblebee37 is offline

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I'm sorry but I started laughing when I read 'I asked him to tell me every detail' ...what the hell for!? That's like asking for clumps of salt in a deep cut. Lol
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Old 10-20-2014, 06:05 PM
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PrincessSpazzy PrincessSpazzy is offline
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Well...I have to admit I found myself saying out loud WTF FOR?? when I read he'd asked for details...then upon reflection...I thought....maybe he's so convinced he's lacking in the sex arena that he can learn what it was his bf was looking for when he did all that crap, and can reproduce it himself. Then his bratty little sociopathic bf can think up other ways of manipulating him into doing what he wants. For instance....say.....talking him into setting up a website where he's getting paid for being on cam.....but bratty boy keeps all the money....
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Old 10-27-2014, 03:08 PM
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In my case the charges of attempted murder were not levied until a grand jury met and there was an indictment. The initial charges of assault, etc similar to yours were made right away. This could perhaps be how it works in your area. I was in North Carolina.
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Old 11-18-2014, 09:30 AM
d505 d505 is offline
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This thread and all the helpful responses has really helped me understand the the mind set of dv abusers. Although it sounds like inurok went back to his boyfriend, I just want you all to know that your responses have helped me cope with the fact that my ex-boyfriend will not change, and I will not go back to him. While I am not gay nor am I 40 and my ex is 19, I am 31 year old female and my ex-boyfriend is 38, I can still relate to a lot of what inurok is going through, I think a lot of dv victims can also. Like him I went back to him after he went to jail the first time for DV, hoping he would change, and he did not. He is now back in jail, and it is over. The way I explained it to my therapist is that I miss 25 percent of him but don't miss the other 75 percent (i.e., the physical and emotional abuse). The way I think about it is the 75 percent outweighs the other 25 percent. So I am happier with out him. However it is tough, I feel lonely, and I don't like being single, and I am too vulnerable to start dating again.
My therapist did give some good advise. My therapist asked me whether the 25 percent where I miss him is it that I miss him or I miss the companionship (i.e., living with someone and not feeling lonely). And I think that is what it is. I don't miss him, I just miss the companionship of having a SO.
Anyhow, I have not had the energy to tell my story or ask for tips, because I have already read so many helpful responses from everyone on this thread. So thank you for that, and although perhaps your tips did not help inorok move forward it has helped me and I am sure other members here.
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Old 01-24-2016, 09:31 PM
Anna7 Anna7 is offline
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I see the OP last posted here 09-04-14 and today is 01-24-16, so about 1.5 years; I do hope he is still with us. This thread is one of the more interesting ones I've read through, with some stellar advice offered .. what I noticed, again and again and again, was "I love him, he won't tell me the truth .. I love him, he won't tell me the truth." It's that feeling of intense "love" that has to be broken, I think, before this guy will be able to separate from "Justin Bieber." I don't think it's that the OP thrives on the drama, on the contrary, he seems very unhappy about it, hence, his seeking advice here. Everyone probably has something that, if their love interest were to do it, would stop that feeling of love, dead in its tracks. I am someone who is rabidly protective of animals and children (they NEED protection, just like Karen Carpenter's song says, "they have no voice, they have no choice"); there was once a guy I was crazy about, until I saw him be less than compassionate to a little dog; that feeling of love evaporated on the spot (was not just infatuation), it was like a faucet being turned off, never to be felt again, and this was years ago. I wonder what the OP's criteria is, it doesn't seem to be his little pet.
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Old 09-29-2017, 07:14 PM
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Just getting caught up on this site. I see the OP last logged in in Aug of 2017. I hope he's OK.

OP, can you please give us an update so that we know you are ok?
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Old 12-29-2017, 10:18 PM
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I'm praying he is ok, and living a care-free happy life,without anymore D.V. from such a guy like his younger ex-factor.

You are only in your mid,upper forties, older man yes. But you're not old, so i pray you're enjoying your life, there in DE.,without any more pain.
and please be sure to 1 day update us..God bless you.
Life es just way too short for such drama abuse and agony..Not worth it.

Hugs -n- Blessings...Adios.G-night.
#TAAS(there are always signs,so DON'T ignore them)
Lead with your MIND + not your heart.
CONSISTENCY..."is key.
loyalty,maturity + respect to his el reina,(his queen)
Without "action" applied to his words, it's not real.#DON'T SETTLE.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 12-29-2017 at 10:21 PM..
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