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  #1  
Old 09-02-2017, 08:49 PM
rinarina12 rinarina12 is offline
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Post Can I Get Some Advice on a NCO and pregnancy

I want him to know I am pregnant with his child but I have a NCO. How am I able to let him know without both of us getting into trouble? It's been 4 months now and he is still detained but not sentenced. Apparently he may be charged with a class D felony assault in NYC. I'm not sure what the hold up is but all the DA does is call my phone and say I don't have to appear in court. Would me appearing at his court help me get approval to tell him I'm pregnant?

* please don't tell me that I need to leave him alone* this is hard for me and I just want to be able to atleast talk to my ex. I don't want to be with him but I want him to Have an opportunity to be in his Childs life and apart of me feels like he would. He always wanted a child. We were just two toxic for each other*
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Old 09-02-2017, 09:44 PM
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I want him to know I am pregnant with his child but I have a NCO. How am I able to let him know without both of us getting into trouble? It's been 4 months now and he is still detained but not sentenced. Apparently he may be charged with a class D felony assault in NYC. I'm not sure what the hold up is but all the DA does is call my phone and say I don't have to appear in court. Would me appearing at his court help me get approval to tell him I'm pregnant?

* please don't tell me that I need to leave him alone* this is hard for me and I just want to be able to atleast talk to my ex. I don't want to be with him but I want him to Have an opportunity to be in his Childs life and apart of me feels like he would. He always wanted a child. We were just two toxic for each other*
Appearing in court will not make it all right for you to say a single word to him or for him to say a single word to you.

Let me add that though the fantasy for a child to have two parents is lovely, having one good one is far, far better than having a toxic one and a good one. I promise you that, having lived it.
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Old 09-03-2017, 12:56 AM
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. . . though the fantasy is for a child to have two parents is lovely, having one good one is far, far better than having a toxic one and a good one. I promise you that, having lived it.
^ This. ^
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Old 09-03-2017, 06:54 AM
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I totally agree with Nim you should not be talking to him, abide by your NCO. Also he has shown you he cannot control his anger and he is an abuser.
Whatever your happy family fantasy, you should not be allowing this man access to a child until some considerable treatment and therapy has taken place.
You have more than just your own safety to consider now put your child first.
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Old 09-03-2017, 09:18 AM
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I'm pretty sure Child Services will help you with this. I would make sure you really want a violent abuser in your childs life before you allow him any knowledge of the childs existence. And just so your aware said child could potentially be removed from your care if you don't honor a NCO.
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Old 09-03-2017, 11:34 AM
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If you cannot afford a family law attorney, contact legal services in your area or go through a family law clinic at a law school. This way you can get a visitation and support agreement in place so that somebody other than you, approve by the court, can take the child to a reasonable visitation (if he's 6 hours away, he's not going to get physical visitation). Work with the courts to allow visitation and ensure support.

Oh, and this means somebody approved by the court is acting to allow visitation, and nothing else. You are still not visiting him. His support will come through the state in most states.

Talk with a family law attorney about this.
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Old 09-03-2017, 04:27 PM
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I want him to have the opportunity to know that he has a child. Of course with therapy and all the proper precautions. To not even let him have the chance I think is wrong. I'm not justifying what he's done or the abuse he caused. I just wanted to know if there is a legal way he is able to know he is expecting a child. I'm not looking for a fairytale. I feel if it's not going to work then of course he will not be our Childs life but I think he deserves to atleast know.
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Old 09-03-2017, 08:36 PM
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First things first - read deeply on domestic abusers. They don't just abuse their wives/girlfriends. They expose any children around to the 'vibe' of violence and fear. And they almost never change. They're manipulative, and they demand all allegiance, all attention, or they push their children to excel so that they get the kudos as a parent. Neither therapy nor medication makes them any safer. Ever!

You're going to want to file for a DNA test and child support asap, like right after the birth. And supervised visitation.

Understand, abusers are incredibly powerful, to toddlers and young children. They're 'adults' and powerful and they can disapprove so strongly that they can warp a child before that kid ever has a chance to know who they are.
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:22 AM
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A family lawyer should be able to advise and inform him of what is going on without you having contact with him.
I am glad you are trying to do the right thing but make sure it's the right thing for you and your child not him. He lost the right to be a priority when he abused you.
From experience don't act thinking it will please him or make him think your a good woman it won't work. He may see the child as way to control you and keep you in his life. Make sure you have all the control you and the baby safety first always .
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:44 PM
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Gonna agree with Mat - make sure it's right for you and your child and keep control of the situation. You keep control of the situation by doing it through the law.

If you don't - he'll find out about the child, use the child to manipulate you into contact, and start the abuse cycle over again. This time, the child will bear witness to the abuse, and even become abused, depending on what kind of guy he is. Either way, the child will be harmed by any abuse it experiences directly or indirectly. And he won't pay any child support or any other costs of the child.

here's what generally happens with abusers who cannot gain control of their victims through their children - they don't parent. They lose interest and move on to their next victim. They are forced to pay support but not forced to visit or parent. The child has to deal with abandonment, but at least there's support and a parent who isn't being battered. At least the cycle of domestic violence isn't ingrained from day one.

Some abusers refuse to pay support and quit a job when their wages start getting garnished by the state. You are not a part of this except in terms of the check you get from the state. The state then goes after him as a deadbeat dad and imprisons him until he takes a job commensurate with his skill set and keeps it, his wages getting garnished. You are never called to the stand, never have to know when he's going to jail or to court. It's just a struggle between him and the state and we all know who wins that one.

Rarely, he'll take off and you'll be free and clear of him save that you won't get support until he pops up on the State's radar again. Again, it's a struggle between the state and him, not you.

Your best move at this point is to get a family lawyer and go through the family lawyer for all contact and to get the appropriate visitation and support agreement in place.
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Old 09-06-2017, 01:46 AM
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I want him to know I am pregnant with his child but I have a NCO. How am I able to let him know without both of us getting into trouble? It's been 4 months now and he is still detained but not sentenced. Apparently he may be charged with a class D felony assault in NYC. I'm not sure what the hold up is but all the DA does is call my phone and say I don't have to appear in court. Would me appearing at his court help me get approval to tell him I'm pregnant?



* please don't tell me that I need to leave him alone* this is hard for me and I just want to be able to atleast talk to my ex. I don't want to be with him but I want him to Have an opportunity to be in his Childs life and apart of me feels like he would. He always wanted a child. We were just two toxic for each other*


I think that your thinking on this is noble.

At the same time, I hope you are taking advice being given here as well-intended and serious.

I don't envy the situation. I would definitely get a family lawyer involved. They may be able to help relay the information to him while also being able to help him understand that it has to be this way because of the NCO.

Optimistically....while others have very valid points, and I hope you are giving them serious consideration, I do hope for his sake and the sake of this child that the fact he will be a father will motivate him to change, to seek counseling, to really make an improvement. Unfortunately with so many people it just doesn't happen.

I guess....be optimistic that fatherhood will serve as a place for him to change rather than a place for him to become controlling or further abusive. But also be realistic that it's a difficult change, it's in some ways similar to if not more difficult than kicking a drug addiction, and that he will need to seriously invest in himself and in his relationship with his child to be a good father and stop the cycle. If he cares about you, then what his relationship status is or is not with you will become secondary: the focus will be on self improvement.

No judgment here. I think your heart is in the right place. Just make sure that your head is also in the right place. This child needs to be your priority. It's safety needs to be your priority. YOUR safety needs to be your priority. Please, make sure you are taking care of you and being healthy....that's not a judgment either, just a hope for you for better things and better days ahead

As to the communication issue....I don't think I can add anything that others have not said. I wish you luck and I wish you wisdom. This situation can't be easy.
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Old 09-06-2017, 12:36 PM
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If the pregnancy was not known when the NCO was put in place then I would say that the changes in circumstances warrants a change, or at least a review, of the court orders.

The worst thing that you could do would be to violate the NCO and cause additional trouble. My inclination would be to contact his lawyer and inform him of the new situation, but I am not sure if even that is appropriate, so perhaps someone more knowledgeable on the law could comment on that.

I am guessing that the NCO is the result of violence / abuse against you. I don't know any of the details or the situation that led to the NCO, but I suggest to you that if there was violence or abuse that it should be a "drop dead deal breaker" and you should NOT be in a relationship with him.

But the fact that the relationship between the two of you was toxic does not automatically rule out a successful relationship between him and his child. I encourage you to foster such a relationship if it is at all feasible. You don't have to have a relationship with him, but the child may fare better from having a relationship with their father.

If nothing else, you would likely do better if you were able to get child support from him.

If contacting his lawyer isn't appropriate then there must be some other way to provide this bit of information to the courts. The prosecuting attorney, perhaps? The judge? I would NOT recommend making a surprise appearance in court, that would only create havoc.

Knowledge is power. One would hope that the court would try to resolve the case in a manner that was best for the victim(s). If all they know about is the wife, then they might believe that a course of action that denied any possible interaction between you was the best course of action. But knowing that there is a child involved might sway the court a different direction. At least give the court all the relevant information.

Good luck

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Old 09-06-2017, 08:09 PM
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MissingDee and RMC50 I thank you guys for the feedback. It was clear, and non judgemental. It's obvious every situation is different and that perspective gave me more insight. I want to do things through the law because I still want that control I don't want to break. I want to give an opportunity for someone to be a father not an abuser not a boyfriend. With that, I want that power. I agree to seek help, and do it all the legal way. I am going to contact the family courts. He does not have a personal lawyer so I'm not sure how to contact anyone representing him.... this was an intimate relationship between us that went far left. We are not married or been together for years. I stood up for myself and called the cops but I don't think it's right to not give him a chance to be a father or atleast know. He has no control over me andnat the least if he even tried to I will cut all ties. I have a lot of support and will continue professional support. I just like to think of all the different possibilities. Thanks again for feedback! Its mmm deff not easy to face the truth
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Old 09-06-2017, 08:51 PM
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MissingDee and RMC50 I thank you guys for the feedback. It was clear, and non judgemental. It's obvious every situation is different and that perspective gave me more insight. I want to do things through the law because I still want that control I don't want to break. I want to give an opportunity for someone to be a father not an abuser not a boyfriend. With that, I want that power. I agree to seek help, and do it all the legal way. I am going to contact the family courts. He does not have a personal lawyer so I'm not sure how to contact anyone representing him.... this was an intimate relationship between us that went far left. We are not married or been together for years. I stood up for myself and called the cops but I don't think it's right to not give him a chance to be a father or atleast know. He has no control over me andnat the least if he even tried to I will cut all ties. I have a lot of support and will continue professional support. I just like to think of all the different possibilities. Thanks again for feedback! Its mmm deff not easy to face the truth
Family courts are not going to help you file documents. Most courts have decent self help available online, but you're best going through an attorney. Assuming you cannot afford one, you can obtain an attorney three ways:

1. Through legal aid in your area. This is the civil side of law when you cannot afford an attorney

2. A family law clinic through your nearest law school. Not all law schools have family law clinics, but many do. Your case will be handled by a law student with oversite by a law professor who is licensed in your jurisdiction

3. Through a domestic violence shelter. DV shelters are good for more than just sheltering people physically from abusers. They provide counseling, and they usually have lawyers who either work for them or who offer services to those in need pro bono

If you luck out on those three, ask. I'll give you more sources with lower percentage chances of obtaining a lawyer

Your lawyer will make contact with him. He will be presented with a Petition for Paternity wherein he will be required to give a DNA swab for the purposes of demonstrating that he is the father. Once you have proven paternity, the rest is pretty formulaic from a legal point of view. But let your lawyer do all the work.

Once you have a support and visitation agreement in place, the courts will be enforcing support through the child support recovery unit.

But in terms of notification and proving legally that he's the father? Get a lawyer.
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Old 09-06-2017, 10:58 PM
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Family courts are not going to help you file documents. Most courts have decent self help available online, but you're best going through an attorney. Assuming you cannot afford one, you can obtain an attorney three ways:

1. Through legal aid in your area. This is the civil side of law when you cannot afford an attorney

2. A family law clinic through your nearest law school. Not all law schools have family law clinics, but many do. Your case will be handled by a law student with oversite by a law professor who is licensed in your jurisdiction

3. Through a domestic violence shelter. DV shelters are good for more than just sheltering people physically from abusers. They provide counseling, and they usually have lawyers who either work for them or who offer services to those in need pro bono

If you luck out on those three, ask. I'll give you more sources with lower percentage chances of obtaining a lawyer

Your lawyer will make contact with him. He will be presented with a Petition for Paternity wherein he will be required to give a DNA swab for the purposes of demonstrating that he is the father. Once you have proven paternity, the rest is pretty formulaic from a legal point of view. But let your lawyer do all the work.

Once you have a support and visitation agreement in place, the courts will be enforcing support through the child support recovery unit.

But in terms of notification and proving legally that he's the father? Get a lawyer.
Thanks! Sounds like the clinic law school would be my best option. I cannot afford a lawyer but I do want the DNA test taken to prove to courts he is the father and I'm not just trying to seek him because of the NCO. My advocate has not been that supportive and the DA of course is not the person to go to. I will try those options first. Hopefully it works
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