Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > RESOURCE CENTER > Domestic Violence
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Domestic Violence News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #26  
Old 07-07-2017, 11:26 AM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

@prisonlady, there's another option you haven't mentioned so you might not know about it. That's a facilitated peer support group.

Dunno if that would work for you, but like it says on the front page of this site, there is no worse feeling than being alone and helpless. You are the opposite of alone -- there are millions who've been through what you have and will recognize the truth of your story immediately.

I'm getting the impression you're the sort who prefers to solve things on her own, though. That being the case there are a ton of books you can use for insight and processing. I'd suggest trying anything by Alice Miller first. Maybe you've already done that.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #27  
Old 07-07-2017, 12:07 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is online now
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 8,192
Thanks: 10,561
Thanked 13,887 Times in 5,344 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
maybe if you put a little effort into trying to find an appropriate therapeutic solution, you'd get more out of therapy. Quit expecting everybody else to do the work for you.

You have the same intellectual laziness when it comes to topics like therapy, hospitalization, partner domestic violence, and child abuse. As a result, you hurt people. It's one thing that you're hurting yourself, spending your time isolated in your victim-hood, but quite another when you hurt others because of your deliberate ignorance. No matter what class background a person has, they have a right to ask questions here without being hurt by somebody offering up dreck based on her assumptions. It is one thing to hit somebody up with cold, hard reality, and I've been accused of being mean for doing precisely that. It is quite another thing to deliberately cause harm to others with opinions founded in fantasy.

And, just like your parents' abuse, you could eschew your classism as well. It serves no real purpose as you make fundamental assumptions about people here. There are plenty of people here who are from even more privileged backgrounds than you, plenty from similar backgrounds. Plenty are not classists, or people who hide behind classism to justify choices they've made.
I don't have the option to "thank" this post more than once, so I'll repost it instead.

OP-- at this point, I'm not sure what is to be gained by engaging in dialogue with you. If something as trite as making coffee takes precedence to your mental health then you've made your decision and increases my suspicion that you're attention seeking more than you're looking to move forward.

At the very least heed what has been said about refraining from adding weight to other victims. If you choose not to do good for yourself, fine. But at least try to avoid harming others.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
CenTexLyn (07-08-2017), DanielsWyf (07-07-2017), OnlyInTexas (07-14-2017), safran (07-07-2017)
  #28  
Old 07-07-2017, 02:41 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

A little earlier, someone mentioned emancipation. That would not have helped me when I was trying to finance my education while supporting myself. Emancipation is for minors, usually older and who can prove that they are, in fact, already pretty much self-reliant. It's about being allowed to manage one's own affairs before reaching the normal age of majority.

Or, I was not a minor at the time. Only because I was over 20, that does not mean that I was not being considered a dependent for the specific purpose of getting student loans. I could have been even older and unless I did something like having a baby or finally managing to have 2 years of full time employment, I could have been 30 and still wouldn't have been considered independent from that point of view even though I was not a minor. I guess by 30 I would have eventually managed to accumulate the employment time, but how long was I going to wait? I was already older than the normal or minimum university entry age, which may be why someone mentioned emancipation in case I was a minor. But I was not. And it's not that I was lazy or never working. I had some kind of temporary or part time jobs. I just couldn't get a living wage and/or the job status that would have allowed me to qualify for those loans some time soon. For all I knew, I could have remained underemployed by 30 if I couldn't get a degree.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-07-2017, 03:31 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,387
Thanks: 3,989
Thanked 19,695 Times in 7,096 Posts
Default

wow, this is a pointless conversation. You're right, PL, you're special. Nobody's had anything similar to what you had growing up, and being locked into the thinking errors of your parents is the only thing you can do now.

Just use some discretion. Quit foisting unlearned opinions on people in crisis because you are harming them. At this point, if you continue to do so, I will consider it intentional. Quit hurting people. You hurt. We get it. You're not doing anything and are unwilling to do anything about your hurt. We get it. This gives you zero right to harm other people, especially those in crisis or needing actual support.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
CenTexLyn (07-07-2017), miamac (07-07-2017), MizzyMuffling (07-12-2017), nimuay (07-07-2017), OnlyInTexas (07-14-2017), safran (07-07-2017)
  #30  
Old 07-08-2017, 05:01 PM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

Quote:
Also, I do not want interactive things that may interrupt me when I've got work to do or before I've settled in (before making coffee, for example), or things like chats where I have to remain there for the whole duration of the conversation and perhaps even type fast or use abbreviations and acronyms.
If I'd written that, it would mean that I was trying to avoid something. Lordie, no need to explain why you'd want to avoid it.

Do you know that your physical health is at risk if you don't include trauma therapy in your "work to do"? The connection between Adverse Childhood Experiences and chronic illness is overwhelming.

This is your decision and not my business but do understand that you've had physical brain changes and maybe even epigenetic changes and what you've got today is an honest-to-God medical problem. Physical treatments like "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing" are relevant.

Tackling this will not be easy but I will cheer you on and I hope others here will too.

__________________
I'm collecting Best of PTO posts and quotes in my blog here.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 07-11-2017, 10:26 PM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

At least that much good has come out of this: I have decided to read Alice Miller's books and learned the expression "Adverse Childhood Experiences" (it may be useful in keyword searches). Many thanks to the people who let me know about this.

I am indeed the kind of person who likes to be independent and not ask for help, although I do get information sometimes (mostly from reading and videos) on various topics and I am not trying new things without first having informed myself on the topic. For instance, I didn't even know that I can replace outlet covers myself without hiring an electrician and I have not tried that before I saw how it's done. I do not particularly trust doctors and hardly trust psychiatrists at all.

I know that talk therapy is not the same thing (it does not have to involve medication), but I would not want to feel that I'm wasting time when I could, for instance, focus on other aspects of my health such as exercising. I have other chores, hobbies, concerns, etc. and psychotherapy is not one of them.

It is also possible that at this time, therapy would be more harmful than useful by making me think about things that happened a long time ago. Why do you think I disappeared from this site for a few days? I hadn't thought about my parents in a long time and then I started thinking and talking about them too much. That, plus I didn't want to annoy you guys too much.

I've heard of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing before and found the concept interesting. In practice, it may not be practical and I'm rather reluctant to ask for help if, as I understand, I can't just do it by myself, but it's interesting. I do wonder, for example, if this is not some kind of fad that will later become discredited the way it happened, for example, with "recovered memories".
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 07-11-2017, 10:34 PM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is online now
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 8,192
Thanks: 10,561
Thanked 13,887 Times in 5,344 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by prisonlady View Post
I've heard of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing before and found the concept interesting. In practice, it may not be practical and I'm rather reluctant to ask for help if, as I understand, I can't just do it by myself, but it's interesting. I do wonder, for example, if this is not some kind of fad that will later become discredited the way it happened, for example, with "recovered memories".
EMDR has been used for roughly 30 years with a very high rate of success. I've used it with a competent therapist myself and I gained more from that experience, coupled with cognitive behavioural therapy, than I had with years of other approaches.

Glad you were able to gain something from the thread. Best of luck.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 07-12-2017, 05:27 AM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,352
Thanks: 5,450
Thanked 27,484 Times in 10,035 Posts
Default

EMDR is currently being used by the VA for military personnel with PTSD....with considerable success. And is used by a number of refugee agencies for war/rape survivors. Is it 100%? No. But it's a tool.

And, though you think you're not thinking about your parents, you have no idea what's controlling your (very high) distrust of authority figures and other attitudes you hold that are definitely a result of being frightened half to death in childhood by them. They are still controlling every last bit of that. They are so deep in your head that you no longer can see that those attitudes you hold aren't really yours. You've never had the opportunity to separate, though you write as though you're completely independent of them. It's like you've got a Love Canal-like toxic waste dump buried under your house. You can't see it, smell it, or taste it, but it's poisoning everything you do/decide/say. In other words, you're thinking about them ALL the time.

I realize how painful it is to realize that kind of thing, because you've built what you feel is insulation between your deepest pain and your attitudes about other things. But like all infections, it keeps on working and working, undermining your health. Until it's drained, it's still there working.

Nobody enjoys the draining process. NOBODY! On the other hand, it's emotionally profitable and freeing.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
miamac (07-12-2017)
  #34  
Old 07-14-2017, 12:35 AM
prisonlady prisonlady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Quebec Canada
Posts: 532
Thanks: 2
Thanked 402 Times in 215 Posts
Default

I don't understand what the draining process really means. Whatever happened happened and nothing can change that reality. I cannot have my childhood and youth back, undo the unpleasant aspects and events or get the benefits that might have resulted from better circumstances. Since all children are socialized by their parents and caregivers, at what point is it even possible to separate their own attitudes once grown up from attitudes inherited from their family of origin? Is that possible only when they happen to be different?

As for authority figures, I tend to avoid them or to consider that they are not authority figures but people at my service when I need their specialized work or advice, people who control resources I need or some kind of busybodies and annoying people.

For instance, a doctor is an adviser and a technician specializing in the human body. A boss is the guy with the money (a resource I need, otherwise I would not need a boss). I have to cajole one into giving me a share of that resource, but he's my equal or a rich jerk, depending on the person, not an authority (I may happen to like or respect the person, though). A police officer is a bossy busybody, although it is better not to antagonize him or her (s/he may even act like a thug if challenged). That's one of the reasons I don't drive. While some people do get stopped on the street and it may happen more in certain places, it is much more likely that their car will get stopped, so I just don't drive. A judge is a state functionary with a desk job in charge of making decisions according to the government's book of rules (i.e. the law).
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 07-14-2017, 01:04 AM
Minor activist Minor activist is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: WA USA
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 768
Thanked 1,058 Times in 588 Posts
Default

>I don't understand what the draining process really means One way to look at it is the draining process can turn memories that cause flashbacks into distant unpleasant memories.
__________________
I'm collecting Best of PTO posts and quotes in my blog here.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 07-14-2017, 05:59 AM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 23,352
Thanks: 5,450
Thanked 27,484 Times in 10,035 Posts
Default

Hon, your entire life is centered on avoidance, which limits you drastically.

The 'draining' is pretty much like having a dentist clearing an abscess out of an infected tooth. You can live with the pain, but it's so much nicer when it's gone! And then you can have a glass of ice water or a dish of sorbet without crying from the tooth's response.

Of course you can be different from your family! People are constantly developing in directions never conceived of by their caregivers. I, like you, have avoided any sort of notice as much as possible for most of my life, but more recently, after my own counseling for domestic violence I began to be funny, to greet people, to not give a flip about being dressed outside the norm, to be (not exactly) flamboyant without psychic pain, to just relax and stop worrying if I was talking too much in a group. And lots more of what I consider far too much self-monitoring diminished.

I can even tell you the words that did that for me. "Malignant narcissist"; that's what the therapist said my mother sounded like. It was like all the light bulbs in the world went on in my head! We always had said she was crazy but not the kind of crazy you could put in an institution, and now it had a name and a concreteness and I was no longer fighting a fog.

Listen, it's entirely up to you what you do about your psychic health. You may never be comfortable enough to attack the pain. But the possibility is there. The possibility of wider options of feelings, of less listening to the tape recording in your head that tells you you aren't worth it, the chance that you could wave a cheery hello to someone you don't know and improve their day. Those are the things I got out of it, some of them.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Abuse in St. Louis Jails-Report Morris1 Missouri Prison & Criminal Justice News, Legislation & Events 3 03-29-2009 06:07 PM
How or where does one report abuse within the walls longtime12 Illinois Prison & Jail Visitation, Phones, Packages & Mail 3 08-04-2006 07:30 AM
Special Report-sexual Abuse Behind Bars mabear Michigan Prison and Legal News & Events 5 05-22-2005 01:21 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:44 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics