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  #1  
Old 10-14-2015, 08:10 PM
Chanpark Chanpark is offline
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Default My son is an alcoholic and I need advice

Hi, I am new on here and I have a question. I can only imagine that prison is much worse than jail. I hope I am not offending anyone by asking a question about my son who is in jail. He has been there for a week now, the most time he has ever spent in jail before this was a night twice. I went to see him several days ago and it was on lock down. He was arrested on his way home from work due to a charge from 2 1/2 years ago from a night that he and his ex wife got drunk and they were fighting. I went to court with him because they moved to Arizona by then, he probably would have had to go alone anyway. He was supposed to pay a fine and take an anger management class. The sad thing is he is only angry when he is drunk, he needs help for his alcoholism. Anyway, I don't know if the fine was paid or not. But I do know that he trusted her as his wife and he gave her the information about the class asked her to call and set it up and remind him to go. But she did not do it and just blew it all off. So 3 years later they are getting divorced because she is so abusive. He moves back here and is driving home from work Friday night and was arrested. Now it's a 3rd degree Felony and some other charges. He asked if he could stay with me. I married a man with multiple personalities that started physically abusing me as well and I ended up with a pain disease and I had to move out of my house. I went through a living hell all and did not have anyone to help me. Because my disease is internal, they call it an invisible disease, it's terrible the way people treat you. I lost almost everything and everyone I had because of it. I thought I had a lot of friends and found out that I really did not when I had a disaster they all ran away. It has been 2 years now. I am on long term disability with my company, due to RSD. I am very sick and in bed most of the day. I live on pain pills and can hardly walk sometimes. I am very depressed and I cry a lot. My son has stayed for over a month now and I have had to ask him to help with the rent multiple times as he works full time and I'm trying to live on less than half of that. He has not given me a dime. I have also asked him multiple times not to bring alcohol here, but he does anyway. He is drunk every night and makes a lot of noise. My roommate goes to sleep at 9 pm because he gets up early for work. My son is drunk every night and up making a lot of noise. I need to get him out of this apartment. I don't have anyone to help me or back me up on this. I don't have the money to bail him out, he has the money in his bank. But he can't get to his wallet which the jail has I guess. I asked my roommate and he is afraid to loan it to him since he is never given us a dime to stay here. His court date is in the morning at 8:30 a.m. I am sure he feels just awful because we really don't have anyone left here so no one has been to visit him yet. He smokes and drinks so I'm sure he's going through withdrawals. So my question is I don't know what to say to him when I see him. I am pretty sure he has drug problem too, his dad is a meth junkie and an alcoholic and has been for years.
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Old 10-14-2015, 11:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanpark View Post
Hi, I am new on here and I have a question. I can only imagine that prison is much worse than jail. I hope I am not offending anyone by asking a question about my son who is in jail. He has been there for a week now, the most time he has ever spent in jail before this was a night twice. I went to see him several days ago and it was on lock down. He was arrested on his way home from work due to a charge from 2 1/2 years ago from a night that he and his ex wife got drunk and they were fighting. I went to court with him because they moved to Arizona by then, he probably would have had to go alone anyway. He was supposed to pay a fine and take an anger management class. The sad thing is he is only angry when he is drunk, he needs help for his alcoholism. Anyway, I don't know if the fine was paid or not. But I do know that he trusted her as his wife and he gave her the information about the class asked her to call and set it up and remind him to go. But she did not do it and just blew it all off. So 3 years later they are getting divorced because she is so abusive. He moves back here and is driving home from work Friday night and was arrested. Now it's a 3rd degree Felony and some other charges. He asked if he could stay with me. I married a man with multiple personalities that started physically abusing me as well and I ended up with a pain disease and I had to move out of my house. I went through a living hell all and did not have anyone to help me. Because my disease is internal, they call it an invisible disease, it's terrible the way people treat you. I lost almost everything and everyone I had because of it. I thought I had a lot of friends and found out that I really did not when I had a disaster they all ran away. It has been 2 years now. I am on long term disability with my company, due to RSD. I am very sick and in bed most of the day. I live on pain pills and can hardly walk sometimes. I am very depressed and I cry a lot. My son has stayed for over a month now and I have had to ask him to help with the rent multiple times as he works full time and I'm trying to live on less than half of that. He has not given me a dime. I have also asked him multiple times not to bring alcohol here, but he does anyway. He is drunk every night and makes a lot of noise. My roommate goes to sleep at 9 pm because he gets up early for work. My son is drunk every night and up making a lot of noise. I need to get him out of this apartment. I don't have anyone to help me or back me up on this. I don't have the money to bail him out, he has the money in his bank. But he can't get to his wallet which the jail has I guess. I asked my roommate and he is afraid to loan it to him since he is never given us a dime to stay here. His court date is in the morning at 8:30 a.m. I am sure he feels just awful because we really don't have anyone left here so no one has been to visit him yet. He smokes and drinks so I'm sure he's going through withdrawals. So my question is I don't know what to say to him when I see him. I am pretty sure he has drug problem too, his dad is a meth junkie and an alcoholic and has been for years.
I am sorry you are going through this. My suggestion is to let your son sit where he is and find yourself an Al-Anon meeting ASAP! I know from experience you are a classic enabler....I mean no harm as I was an enabler for many years. It wasn't until I learned that I did not cause his addiction and a certainly cannot fix it, but I could fix my addiction to fixing him and helping him get sober...UGH! You have your own recovery to be involved in.

Your son has to want to get clean and sober. Nobody can do it for him....Hopefully, he will take this time to reflect on what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Please, don't bail him out and feel sorry for him...he is where he is because of his own choices....Your not a bad mother for letting him stay where he is.

Again, get to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP! You will meet many people in your same situation and some even worse.

Good luck
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Old 10-15-2015, 09:26 AM
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I hope that your son's time in jail will convince him that he has a substance abuse problem which is serious enough that he needs to overcome it. It's not easy, but only he can do it.
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Old 10-16-2015, 01:56 PM
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Your best option at this point is to let him sit right where he is. If you bail him out, he will go right back to doing the stupid things that he has been doing. Trust me, if he needs to get to court, the jail will get him to court.

As for you, you need to get to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP!! You didn't cause his disease, and you can't control it, OR cure it. However, you can get help for yourself and learn how to deal with YOU and your son.

Right now, bailing him out will not help him face the consequences of what he has done. He has to fix this himself. YOU cannot do it for him.
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Old 11-03-2015, 11:04 PM
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I don't come on line much anymore but I'll give you advise.
You need to worry about you and let him hit bottom so he understand he has to take responsibility for his choices and consequences.
We drunks are some master manipulators when our asses are in a jam. That part of your post talking about he can't get to his wallet to make bond doesnt make sense. II've known to many people in jail that called bondsman and been released real quick when that bondsman knows the cash is in that person wallet or they'll transport you to the bank as soon as they've signed the bond at the detention center and upon release. Don't be manipulated.
Alcoholism is a bitch. Tell him to start writing programs that will accept him. There's resource's out there that will accept him even if its just remaining sober at the salvation army. For a place to live.
I surly don't mean to sound cold because i too had a son. But if yoi keep giving in, acceptinghis actions, then you my friend will be accepting he isnt going to be listening and will once again be camped out at your house drunk. Good luck. Mary
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Old 11-04-2015, 12:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanpark View Post
I can only imagine that prison is much worse than jail.
I would say that more often it is the other way around: Jail is much worse than prison.

Jail was supposed to be a short term thing, a place to hold a prisoner while they were waiting for a court appearance. Jail has prisoners of all security risks. Due to the short term nature there are very few programs available to help the inmates.

Due to overcrowding at the prisons there has been a tendency to keep inmates there for much longer periods of time, which only makes a bad situation worse.

The inmates that I have communicated with have usually had a much better time in a state prison than a county jail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanpark View Post
Anyway, I don't know if the fine was paid or not. But I do know that he trusted her as his wife and he gave her the information about the class asked her to call and set it up and remind him to go. But she did not do it and just blew it all off.
This sounds just like the excuses my kid would give me for why his homework didn't get turned in. "I gave it to Jane and she was going to turn it in for me!"

B.S.! It was his responsibility, and he didn't take care of it. Now he has to pay the price, end of story.

As others have said, you are enabling him. That needs to stop.

Do NOT bail him out. If he gets out, do not allow him to live with you. Make him face his demons.

He is going to do anything he can to maintain the status quo, to keep doing what he is doing. This is how addicts behave. The fear of prison is nothing compared to the fear of losing his addiction. The alcohol and drugs are keeping his mind from being rational, therefore there is no reasoning with him.

A stay in prison could be the best thing for him. A few days won't do it. A few weeks won't do it. A few months might allow him to get his head clear for the first time in years and allow him to make decisions that aren't based on the needs of his addiction.

As of now, it appears that he hasn't done anything that would impact him for the rest of his life. That can change in an instant if his anger and drunkenness results in a death.

If you love him, don't give him what he wants. Give him what he needs. And what he needs is to own his actions and face the music.

Be firm.

Good luck

R. Mc.
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