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  #1  
Old 09-17-2014, 05:04 PM
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Default Picking up ANOTHER white chip

How many does it f'ing take!!So what better day then today to get sober uh? So, I've been in and out of the rooms for a while now. Have I actually ever worked a program? I don't think so.
After a lot of thinking today and looking in the mirror and seeing a person I don't care for to much. I've made the decision to go back to AA.
The thing is this, and I can tell some of you have experience in the rooms, but I find it very hard to trust a lot of those people. I've been in and out of halfway houses and the rooms for a while now and have been so let down by a lot of people in recovery. It's hard to let that wall down again.
But I realize this is about me today and I'm just going to have to be a little selfish and do what I have to so that I can be clean and sober.
Here I go again, picking up ANOTHER white chip...
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  #2  
Old 09-17-2014, 05:43 PM
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It takes as many as it takes keep coming back it WORKS IF YOU WORK IT! And it is about you, your program is YOUR program, it's what YOU make of IT.

I'm proud of you.

Last edited by OnlyInTexas; 09-17-2014 at 05:45 PM..
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  #3  
Old 09-17-2014, 08:55 PM
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So, after getting really honest with everyone I could today, My brother, whom I live with sent me this email and I wanted to share it. It was really sweet and I am so grateful I have him in my life. Such a good man. Out of all of my brothers and sisters ( I have 5) He is the only one that has somehow managed to escape addiction/alcoholism. The rest of us are alcoholics/addicts. I, However, have managed to "outdo" all my siblings with my addictions. Anywhoo here's the email I received. I thought it was worthy of sharing!

"you might have heard every word of the things i am sending you. i dont know or even pretend it will help but maybe the right words will find you in the right place and it will make a difference. I love you Candice and dont want to lose you. I need you, your kids, Mike, your friends and people not even born yet will need you. Please think about this, find a reason to be here in this life, define who you are..... Who are you? what do you stand for? what are the most important things to you? you have to understand that you are so valuable in this life, to many many people, we dont want to lose you"
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:59 PM
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Three cheers for your brother and three more for you for taking the first step!
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Old 09-18-2014, 12:20 AM
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What a wonderful heartfelt note from your sweet brother. I hope and pray you will keep his words very close to your heart and his words will be a "penetrating" reminder, outside of yourself, that will help encourage you to stay sober especially on your down days. I understand the challenge to stay in recovery. Recovery is a lifelong commitment.
We lost our youngest son to an accidental drug over dose this past November, just one day before his 25 birthday.

I know my son knew we loved him but it hurts to know that our love was not enough. Much is known about addiction but I also believe there is so much more we have yet to discover.
Knowing what we "do know" about addiction, as parents, we still can not help but have tremendous guilt that we were unable to protect our son from himself. It has been 10 very difficult months and our lives are FOREVER changed, and not for the better. I still hyper ventilate when I relive the last 3 days of our son's life. I cry out to GOD daily on behalf of my son and tell my son out loud how much I love him. Oh how I wish I could be with him one more time.

May GOD give you the desire and strength to continue walking in your recovery. My prayers are with you and your family and all those that suffer everyday with addiction.
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:15 AM
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Way to go girl!!!
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:10 PM
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I'm gonna address the trust issue - it's not black or white - I trust this person or that person, or this group of people. Trust, and various levels of trust are earned, but you've gotta be willing to let people earn the level of trust you're comfortable giving/getting. It's also a sliding scale - it can be earned and lost and then slowly earned again.

As to how many white chips - it takes as many as it takes. One way or another, you will eventually earn your last white chip. Work so this is your last, and your last because you're sober, working your program, and staying that way.

Good on you.
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Old 09-18-2014, 05:12 PM
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Well I'm not going to bullshit you, you're going to get out of AA what you put into it. They give you the book, they give you the tools, and if you're lucky you find a really strong sponsor whom you connect with so you can trust and in return she can trust you.
I'm not going to give you a testimony of my life today but believe me I am a alcoholic, I'm just not practicing in my addiction today. That's what it's all about in the beginning when you're hurting, feeling regrets, wanting to change, it's called 'One day at a time' and that's where you are right now.
You talked about being in different rooms. Hopefully you will find a group that keeps your attention soon but don't fake yourself into believeing someone is going to keep picking you up and making sure you make it to a meeting because their first priority is their own recovery. No one can work your program for you but if others see you are really serious and into your recovery then you will get more friends and more opportunities. Most of us still have to protect our sobriety so we're picky about who we let close to us (especially if we are still weak).
Good luck and I'll be stalking your thread because I want you to succeed. much love, bb
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Old 09-18-2014, 06:36 PM
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Picking up ANOTHER white chip is what's important. It means that you haven't given up and that you're willing to give sobriety another try. Those who give up are the ones who never succeed. Congrats on giving it another try. Who knows? This may be your last white chip and you'll move on from there. Now that is really something to look forward to! Wishing you the very best.
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Old 09-18-2014, 09:51 PM
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So, first thank you all for the words of encouragement. It is very important for me to hear these things right now.

Well, I did it. I picked up a white chip this afternoon. Went to a meeting two hours before it started and hung around because I had some idle time on my hands.

My thoughts/feelings right now. It has just came to the point with me where I KNOW I can NOT drink/use successfully. Period. I have tried for almost 30 years. And it never gets any better. I would like to think that one day I could sit on a sandy beach with a margarita in my hand, and life be grand. But the ugly truth is that MIGHT happen for a day, maybe even a few weeks, but my alcoholism takes me to not such "sunny" places. It usually is more like a 24 ounce in a crack house, and/or driving intoxicated along with domestic issues. Not very "glamorous" at all.

There is two things that await me if I continue to drink/use. Jail/prison or Death, and death is the better of the two. Because for me, death doesn't scare me as bad as having to live through the consequences on my alcoholism/addictions. Being isolated from the people I love that love me back. I'm terrified of jail/prison. That is honestly what is driving me right now. Because it isn't a matter of "if" for me anymore it is a matter of "when". THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

So, it has been suggested to me before and again today to do 90 meetings in 90 days, work with a strong, healthy sponser, read my literature, pray/meditate and take it one day at a time. That is where I am right now. I haven't drank or used TODAY and the day is almost over. Tomorrow will be here soon enough, and I will deal with that then.

So again, thank you all for the words of encouragement. It is VERY MUCH appreciated and needed.
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  #11  
Old 09-18-2014, 10:50 PM
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Well, today is nearly over so soon you'll get through tomorrow!

And you're right; it's arrest or death.
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Old 09-19-2014, 04:20 PM
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Your brother wrote you a beautiful letter and I'm glad that at this point in your life you are open and willing to give it another chance. Keep working the program , your insight into your own addiction and your family's history is a great step in the right direction . Will be praying for your continued strength and sobriety .
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Old 09-19-2014, 06:00 PM
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I find it odd that I am reading this at 11.50pm Friday night going through a similar thing,I am an alcoholic and have tried quitting over 100 times over the last 25 years,I am now on day 6 of not drinking and what helps me is by taking it an hour at a time sometimes,I know people say a day at a time but even that seems too long sometimes,tonight I was craving like mad and I literally was saying to myself "get to 8pm,get to 9pm,get to 10pm,now it is nearly time for bed so I have cracked another day,will wake up tomorrow and do it all again,but I know it will get easier as time goes on as I stopped for 6 months a few years ago,maybe we all just have to keep trying until we finally succeed ,good luck and try the 1 hour thing it really does work.
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Old 09-19-2014, 08:47 PM
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Hey if it works for you comedian that's what you need to keep doing.
Good luck and congrats on another day.
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