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  #1  
Old 09-17-2012, 08:54 PM
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Default Blaming alcoholism for everything

I was wondering if anyone knew how to deal or had any advice for my situation. My Fiance is an alcoholic but he was a social drinker so i never thought of it as anything. His mother knew as well that he had this problem but did not know how to deal with it. He just got done doing a bid and 2 months later hes back in but now he blames it all on the alcohol. From cheating to lying, to anger and for the reason why hes back in jail he now blames all on the alcohol and uses excuses.idk what to do. i hate all of it, hes sober now in jail but am i just dwelling to much on what hes done? He said hes done for good and all but i still have problems with him blaming it all on alcohol.
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Old 09-17-2012, 09:03 PM
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Sorry you have to deal with this sweetie.

First of all, just because he's in jail, doesn't mean he's sober. He's dry (not drinking) but not changing his thinking (sober). All the words in the world about not wanting to drink any more are useless unless and until he's working a program and networking about sobriety it's just hot air.

How much bad behavior is because of alcohol? Hard to tell . . . . but it's all a result of self-centered thinking (including the drinking). Can it change? Only if he works hard on it.
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Old 09-17-2012, 09:19 PM
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I was wondering if anyone knew how to deal or had any advice for my situation. My Fiance is an alcoholic but he was a social drinker so i never thought of it as anything. His mother knew as well that he had this problem but did not know how to deal with it. He just got done doing a bid and 2 months later hes back in but now he blames it all on the alcohol. From cheating to lying, to anger and for the reason why hes back in jail he now blames all on the alcohol and uses excuses.idk what to do. i hate all of it, hes sober now in jail but am i just dwelling to much on what hes done? He said hes done for good and all but i still have problems with him blaming it all on alcohol.
Get yourself to your local Al-anon meeting and let his ass sit where it is. You cannot make him want recovery, it HAS to be his choice....take your power back by putting the focus back on yourself and get it off of him.

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Old 09-17-2012, 09:33 PM
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@nimuay but he has started seeing a counselor like i told him to about it and the way he puts it is as if things happening around him are the fault to it he also went back to his faith to help
@inmatelover i do feel powerless & he wants me to bail him out so he can fix our relationship but im torn either way im wasting tons of money on him its almost like hes my addiction
thank you both for the advicee!
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Old 09-17-2012, 09:49 PM
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@nimuay but he has started seeing a counselor like i told him to about it and the way he puts it is as if things happening around him are the fault to it he also went back to his faith to help
@inmatelover i do feel powerless & he wants me to bail him out so he can fix our relationship but im torn either way im wasting tons of money on him its almost like hes my addiction
thank you both for the advicee!
His disease will take you down, if you do not start your own recovery program. Trust me, I am and have gone through what you are going through....we can love the person, but we do not have to love the addiction. Please, get to a meeting and you will find that there are tons of other people feeling the same way as you. You will fill so much better, once you are able to detach from his addiction and work on yourself. You will be able to set boundaries for yourself that you did not know you even had.

AND, whatever you do, please do not bail him out....that is enabling him to not own up to his addiction and the consequences of it.

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Old 09-19-2012, 03:54 PM
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You know the only one to blame for his alcoholism is him, right? It is our choice to drink because we know the consequences if we do it whether it is losing our loved ones, our finacial security, and sometimes our life's. We as alcoholics have to make the choice and no one (I mean NO ONE) can stop us, change us, or make it go away if we chose the drink over everything and everybody. It's a choice that comes with the disease.
I am in my 3rd week of recovery at this 'rehab' but it more like a vacation then anything else. Will the sessions I go to help me? Who knows but the 1 thing I do understand is I don't want to hit bottom any further then I just did and that is what will have to happen to your guy. If we don't hit bottom, get lower then we ever have in our life, then how do you find where to crawl up and what to change?
You do need to go to alanon because you need to see that you are not the only one who struggles, it isn't your fault and if he chooses to continue then you have to decide if it is something you can live with because it will forever be chaotic in your life with lies, half truths, and it will be the number 1 priority in his life, not you.
And as for me, I don't know if this out patient idea was a good thing for me this last week but I'm either going to make it this time or be fully consumed with the disease- I'm shooting for sobriety and calmness even tho it truly sucks to face my demons, tell on myself for what I have done to others while asking for forgiveness and begging for another chance but it is my choice. Just as it is a choice that your loved one has to make or he will take you down.
That's my testimony for today, it is heartfelt as I type and I hope you understand this problem, the disease of alcoholism, can not be changed with your pledge to try to save him, not all the love you can give him will change it, because only he can do that, it's a choice.
Much luck and happiness. bb
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Old 09-19-2012, 04:04 PM
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My Man is an alcoholic. Yes the bad decisions he has made were all alcohol related...but it's when they realize that the bad decisions came when THEY made the bad decision to drink. I dunno. My Man just recently turned from its the alcohol to its my fault for drinking and I gotta change the drinking. That change was a huge relief, but I knew he was getting close to that point. Get into a program for family members and figure out if he is close enough to getting it to take that Chance with him and what are you wiling to deal with and to do. It's not easy loving someone with an addiction, partly because we can't fix it for them.
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:50 PM
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he knew he had the problem before he was fre the first time i didnt know, so i told him i respected his decisions, he missed his 21st so on and so forth. He said he is just starting his withdrawals from alcohol in jail shaking,not eating slurring, weakness is this a good thing or is it just closer to coming back. he told me he felt powerful when he was drunk but i honestly think his actions were thought out sober before done drunk therefore using his disease as an excuse, coming from an addict and loved ones of addicts do i have to help him see that theres a rock bottom? leaving having enough etc, or will that make things worse? he knows he treated me poorly and chooses not to treat me that way, any longer he had a similar but nowhere near as dangoerous problem with ciggarettes he chose me over them and within a month we were out for the best. i guess whats next? or what to expect? good and bad?
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:44 AM
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coming from an addict and loved ones of addicts do i have to help him see that theres a rock bottom? leaving having enough etc, or will that make things worse? he knows he treated me poorly and chooses not to treat me that way, any longer he had a similar but nowhere near as dangoerous problem with ciggarettes he chose me over them and within a month we were out for the best. i guess whats next? or what to expect? good and bad?
You cannot make him see that there is a rock bottom. He has to figure that out for himself. He needs to get into some kind of program, whether it's AA or another program of his choosing. Just like you need to find a good Al-Anon program so that you can learn some things. Alcoholism affects not only the alcoholic, but everyone who has ever cared about that alcoholic. The people who deal with them can become just as sick as they are. Al-Anon helps to deal with all of that. It literally saved MY life.
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Old 09-23-2012, 08:47 PM
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My Ex tries to tell me he has been sober for 17 months. But he has only beenout of jail for 11. I don't count the time he was locked up. If you bite your fingernails and somebody ties your hands behind your back, you haven't quit biting your nails, you just can't reach them. As long as he is blaming anyone or anything but himself, he has not started to recover. My current guy is/was a weed-smoker. He admits that he has no one to blame but himself, but even he I won't completely believe till he's no longer behind bars and is really making good decisions out in the free world. Get to a few (several) Al-Anon meetings and decide for yourself what you are willing to live with and accept. Untill then, you too are at the whim of his alcoholism.
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Old 09-25-2012, 04:52 PM
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My Ex tries to tell me he has been sober for 17 months. But he has only been out of jail for 11. I don't count the time he was locked up. If you bite your fingernails and somebody ties your hands behind your back, you haven't quit biting your nails, you just can't reach them. As long as he is blaming anyone or anything but himself, he has not started to recover. My current guy is/was a weed-smoker. He admits that he has no one to blame but himself, but even he I won't completely believe till he's no longer behind bars and is really making good decisions out in the free world. Get to a few (several) Al-Anon meetings and decide for yourself what you are willing to live with and accept. Until then, you too are at the whim of his alcoholism.
I hate to tell you this but you need to count the time he was locked up too because there is drugs and alcohol there so he had to practice sobriety in there also. Please don't take that time from him because it is truly a struggle making the right choices when you have the devil tapping you on the shoulder no matter where you are. Actually it's been pulling my hair lately so I recognize every single moment I'm not lickin bottle caps.
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Old 09-25-2012, 06:00 PM
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I hate to tell you this but you need to count the time he was locked up too because there is drugs and alcohol there so he had to practice sobriety in there also. Please don't take that time from him because it is truly a struggle making the right choices when you have the devil tapping you on the shoulder no matter where you are. Actually it's been pulling my hair lately so I recognize every single moment I'm not lickin bottle caps.
bb
OK Didn't mean to sound harsh, but I lived with him for 21 years and there is stil some resentment on my part. I'm truly glad he is staying sober, but still tend to be a little cynical. He still has no idea why I got a divorce and I will never be able to make him remember all the stuff he did to me and our boys.
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Old 09-25-2012, 08:10 PM
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OK Didn't mean to sound harsh, but I lived with him for 21 years and there is still some resentment on my part. I'm truly glad he is staying sober, but still tend to be a little cynical. He still has no idea why I got a divorce and I will never be able to make him remember all the stuff he did to me and our boys.
And you know what sister? Above everything else in your life you needed to do what was best for you. I have to commend you because 21 years of putting up with alcoholic behavior must have been really/really hard on your family. I never meant to make it sound like what you (or anyone else) endured was less then what it was by suggesting you give him that sobriety time because you owe no one anything.
Alcoholism is a terrible, horrible disease/addiction. Some people think it is just a simple 'well, if it is destroying your life then just don't pick up the friggin bottle' situation but it's hard not to. If a person is bad enough they shake, sweat, hallucinate, and crave that drink just like a heroin addict or crackhead does their drug. But it all still comes down to 'choice' and I'm sorry that you, or anyone living with people like me, had to live it out first hand, find believing & trusting hard to do because of the hurt and total chaos we caused in life. I know my family didn't sign up for the bullshit just like you and yours didn't. Be as critical/cynical as you need to be so you don't fall back into that pattern with him. Respect is something earned so I know he has a lot to prove.
Take care and many blessings to you and your family. I'm glad you are okay because I understand the toll we take on our loved ones.
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Old 09-25-2012, 11:13 PM
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i have no way of getting to a meeting my family is completely against our relationship let alone know hes an alcoholic he says he sees a counselor in jail about his problems and bible studies help him as well, latley ive been feeling so weak about all of this, i want him to know that he is too late to see the family he had, but i honestly font even know how to move on from all of this. he owned up to some of his lies now he says some half truths about them so its kind of progress? he says he does want to change and hes doing it everyday. i feel that if i end up giving him another chance i wouldnt want to go all out of my way for him like i did and do now like moving etc. i know everyone varies but does anyone have a personal story of when they or a loved one knew it was time to change
? thank you for all the advice so far!
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Old 09-26-2012, 12:53 AM
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i have no way of getting to a meeting my family is completely against our relationship let alone know hes an alcoholic he says he sees a counselor in jail about his problems and bible studies help him as well, latley ive been feeling so weak about all of this, i want him to know that he is too late to see the family he had, but i honestly font even know how to move on from all of this. he owned up to some of his lies now he says some half truths about them so its kind of progress? he says he does want to change and hes doing it everyday. i feel that if i end up giving him another chance i wouldnt want to go all out of my way for him like i did and do now like moving etc. i know everyone varies but does anyone have a personal story of when they or a loved one knew it was time to change
? thank you for all the advice so far!
Hello! I am in recovery myself for 21mo and everyone has there own personal bottom. For me, I just was not having fun anymore, I kept trying to chase the old days and could never catch them. First, it's fun, then fun with problems, then just problems. He never has to take another drink again if he does not want to, the ? is does he not want to? And only he can answer that. Like another poster said being dry and sober are 2 different things. One of my favorite little phrases is 'you can't think yourself into a new way of acting but you can act yourself into a new way of thinking'. Alcoholism is extremely selfish and self-centered. He needs to face things about life that are not pretty without drinking and the more that he does the easier it will be. The fear is all false, all in our heads. As the other ladies said you should find a meeting, Al-anon or even Celebrate Recovery(a Christian faith-based meeting) to deal with your codependancy issues. There are meetings everywhere, probably really close that you dont even know exsist. Your sanity and livelyhood depend on it. Work on yourself and let him stay in jail and sit in his own mess, and do not let him make you feel bad for not getting him out. That is manipulation(alcoholics are good at this) and you don't need it. He is the only one that can change himself. You will go nuts trying to do it for him cuz it will not work. I pray for the best for the both of you! May God bless your paths. He is the answer and does perform miracles.
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Old 09-26-2012, 05:09 AM
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i have no way of getting to a meeting -------- i know everyone varies but does anyone have a personal story of when they or a loved one knew it was time to change
? thank you for all the advice so far!
Look online for a meeting if nothing else.

As far as when they decide it's time to change. 3 DUIs and 4lost jobs were not enough for my ex. It wasn't until I called the police on a Domestic violence charge andhe did time in County Jail that he quit - and still it wasn't until after he got out-broke the protection order and went back in again. I had filed for divorce before the original charge, and the divorce was final while he was injail. He came out and had to go to a shelter. So for him he truly had to lose it all before he decided HE had to change.

Good luck with whatever you decide. But take care of yourself first.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:11 PM
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thank you both for the story, you right i am breaking down more each day ive spent so much money trying to help figure it all out with him but im such a mom i feel like i baby him too much . in his letters he has said that alcohol changed him for the worst and he does apologize, in honestly feel stuck im going through the not being able to have an actual lover when i want to talk and all that and his actions that were supposedly done under alcohol have gotten me even worse
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Old 09-28-2012, 08:42 PM
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The most important person here is you. You are not his mother. I feel as women we tend to be good at the mother role with our men but it is not healthy for you or him. He needs to be honest with himself and be reponsible and independent. I hope you have looked into some sort of meeting. May God bless you both!
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Old 09-30-2012, 11:36 PM
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thank you both for the story, you right i am breaking down more each day ive spent so much money trying to help figure it all out with him but im such a mom i feel like i baby him too much . in his letters he has said that alcohol changed him for the worst and he does apologize, in honestly feel stuck im going through the not being able to have an actual lover when i want to talk and all that and his actions that were supposedly done under alcohol have gotten me even worse
being that my father was a alcoholic and then i grew up dated alcoholics, had 2 serious live with alcoholic relationships, and then a year after being in alanon still managed to pick a alcoholic to marry'
i have alot of experience. my ex husband was going to 3 AA meetings a day in jail and then told me that he didnt have a drinking problem and was still gonna drink just no longer drink and drive! Hello you are in jail with your 4th dwi......i made my choice right there and said thats it you can choice this but i need to take care of myself and my child!! right now you are focused on him! he is addicted to alcohol and you are addicted to him!! you are trying to figure out where he is at' and what al anon will teach you is to find yourself. how are you doing?? al anon is a program to help You. you can not help or change him' you can help and change you. As others have suggested I would say Get yourself to a al anon meeting and if there is no physical meeting close by then go online but please understand' this is not a problem that will be over in 6 months for you or for him. your life can get better. al anon will show him the way. as far as he goes' well there is a program that can help if he decide he wants help. you mentioned you couldnt go because of your family. i am assuming that your of age and you are not obligated to tell anyone that you are going to a meeting. you will find the answers that are best for you when you are in a program that will help you understand whats actually happening. trust me' you may not get it the first time' but it will be the best choice you can make to take care of your own self.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:45 AM
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He has to want to stop drinking alcohol. Is he out of the jail??
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:48 AM
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Oh this is over a year old thread, I was wondering what happened to you and your fiance?
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Old 07-16-2014, 12:27 PM
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I was wondering if anyone knew how to deal or had any advice for my situation. My Fiance is an alcoholic but he was a social drinker so i never thought of it as anything. His mother knew as well that he had this problem but did not know how to deal with it. He just got done doing a bid and 2 months later hes back in but now he blames it all on the alcohol. From cheating to lying, to anger and for the reason why hes back in jail he now blames all on the alcohol and uses excuses.idk what to do. i hate all of it, hes sober now in jail but am i just dwelling to much on what hes done? He said hes done for good and all but i still have problems with him blaming it all on alcohol.
As an ex alcoholic (I was highly functional during the day, drank at night) I can tell you that he will never be sober until he recognizes the need for change within himself. He is using alcoholism as a crutch and excuse to cover up all the mistakes he has done. It took me a very long time to recognize the reality of my situation and when that day came, I realized that it wasn't the alcohols fault, it was the fault of my unresolved issues that I was trying to numb down or suppress. Does he know why he drinks? Most people in an addicted sitatuion have a vague reason for their substance abuse, but its mostly used as an escape or method of numbing pain whether physical, emotional, mental. Instead of beating yourself up over him, you need to start understanding the core and cause of why someone may be an alcoholic. The more you push him into change, the more he may resist or rebel. I know when people would tell me that I was acting crazy or doing wrong, I'd laugh and say it wasn't my fault, it was because I was drunk or that they didn't know what they were talking about. If he means that he us done for good, then support him. Don't trigger him, don't worry about his problem, let him unravel it himself step by step. If he fails, you will know he wasn't ready. You can then offer advice for support groups but the worst thing you can do is get mad, point fingers and isolate. He will need to come to the conclusion himself.

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Old 07-16-2014, 12:31 PM
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Yelp realized old thread as well... Need to pay attention to dates either way, good advice for anyone in a similar situation!
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