Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR "OFFENDERS" > Straight Talk
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Notices

Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

View Poll Results: Is it reasonable to expect a long-term male inmate to be faithful upon release?
Yes, if a man is truly in love he will be faithful whether he was in prison a long time or not 253 92.67%
No, she should understand and accept he may want to "sow his oats" after being inside so long 20 7.33%
Voters: 273. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 07-27-2011, 07:57 PM
Real Checker's Avatar
Real Checker Real Checker is offline
チェッカー
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 623
Thanks: 278
Thanked 1,365 Times in 394 Posts
Default

"Sewing oats" is another way of saying "lack of self-control and good judgment". If someone wants to sew oats then I would conclude there are serious character flaws that should be addressed because those flaws will seep into other aspects of life and create big issues.
Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Real Checker For This Useful Post:
BadGrlGoneGood (02-13-2012), countryzgirl (02-23-2012), Lisa Jeanne (06-02-2012), Onedaycloser13 (12-24-2011), Sheryl P. (03-31-2012), shesfab (08-31-2011), siscoswifey (01-31-2013)
Sponsored Links
  #52  
Old 07-29-2011, 09:18 PM
LeStrange's Avatar
LeStrange LeStrange is offline
I Smell Shenanigans
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: In My Head
Posts: 2,291
Thanks: 1,589
Thanked 2,366 Times in 1,115 Posts
Default

I know this man loves me beyond any reason but he cheats.

Yeah that's not true no matter how much YOU tell yourself that. If your man TRULY, MADLY and DEEPLY "loved" you and was committed to YOU then he wouldn't have to cheat nor would he ask you to stand by him while he cheats. This is the most REDICULOUS statement I have EVER heard in my ENTIRE life. The fact you stay with him and put up with it is a mystery and most likely it will NEVER get out of system and he knows you will ALWAYS stay and put up with it. If a man is satisfyed at home he won't need to stray because everything he wants will be with his woman at home. I feel sorry for you.
__________________
Formerly DipsyDoodle

Rest In Peace Chad. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!

Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 07-29-2011, 09:23 PM
LeStrange's Avatar
LeStrange LeStrange is offline
I Smell Shenanigans
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: In My Head
Posts: 2,291
Thanks: 1,589
Thanked 2,366 Times in 1,115 Posts
Default

It all depends on the individual and how mature they are. If a man is COMPLETELY devoted, in love and committed to YOU then you don't have anything to worry about because he won't stray. No matter how many years he has done in prison and no matter what age he got locked up at. I'm sure sex isn't the first thing that is on their minds when they walk out of the prison doors. They are probably more concerned with how and where they are going to find a job, how are they going to adjust and make it in the real free world amongst other things.
__________________
Formerly DipsyDoodle

Rest In Peace Chad. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!

Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 08-04-2011, 08:45 PM
pequenoleon pequenoleon is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 3
Thanks: 0
Thanked 7 Times in 3 Posts
Default

Expectations are premeditated resentments ...

The real truth is that ANY man will wander and doesn't even need a reason why -- he didn't have to be in prison to need a reason.

I wouldn't "expect" him to cheat just because he'd been in prison anymore than I'd "expect" him to remain faithful because you'd stood by him. I will promise you this though, he just got out of one prison and the LAST thing he wants is to be locked on another one. If you're clingy and insecure then he will surely stray or just leave outright.

As an ex convict myself, I knew alot of women who developed relationships with men on the outside -- some were sincere but most weren't. Some women were just bored and the fantasy and attention helped them pass their time -- others were more predatory, playing for hefty financial support both for themselves and sometimes even for friends and family either inside or out. Every once in awhile I met a woman who was truly sincere about her new found friend, and they even went to be with them in the world -- it never worked though, not once.

The fact is that anyone who has done serious long time is usually either so institutionalized or emotionally traumatized that its hard for them to relate to a citizen in any type of meaningful relationship.

I don't want to stomp all over your dream and I apologize if I'm just a little too real, but you seem like a good person so let me share some advice with you and anyone else initiating a relationship with someone on the inside that they've never met :

1) Don't ever use your real address -- write from a PO Box, if you change your mind you don't want them showing up on your doorstep one day

2) If they ask for money stall at first, see if they still want to be friends without it -- if its just a racket for them they'll get bored wasting their stamps on a dry well after a month or two.

3) If you do actually send him money, ONLY send what you can afford -- NEVER let yourself get into trouble taking care of a convict. Truth is that no matter how badly they tell you they "need" the money, their food shelter and clothing are free ... yours are not.

4) Take everything a day at a time -- don't expect anything and don't request, bargain or demand a relationship or fidelity ... just let it be.

Bottom line is just take a day at a time. If he's been in for a really long time then he'll need help and space to readjust to even the basics of living on the world. If you're serious about him, be supportive, be available and be patient.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to pequenoleon For This Useful Post:
ButterFliez (09-23-2011), countryzgirl (02-23-2012), LeStrange (08-10-2011), Lisa Jeanne (06-02-2012), Rox73 (08-17-2011)
  #55  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:24 AM
churley188's Avatar
churley188 churley188 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Grand Rapids, MI.
Posts: 109
Thanks: 94
Thanked 79 Times in 35 Posts
Default

An interesting question, I do know that Prison does change people, some for the better and some for the worst, but if this guy was devoted/committed to you before he went in and you have maintained contact with him, then he will be the same when he gets out, in fact he may be even more devoted to you when he gets out, getting letters and visits are one of the most important thing to an inmate. If he was not really devoted to you before he went in or is known to be a cheater then he will be the same when he gets out. But I must tell you this, be prepared to give him some time to adjust to his new freedom, expect mood swings and confusion, he is used to a very specific routine and when that is no longer there, he may seem confused or feel lost. When I first got out, I was still on the same schedule as I was in prison, I wouldn't go outside at normal count times, even though I could, I ate at the same time I did in prison and once I went to bed I would not get out of bed till after morning count time, I felt lost when I went to the store because there were so many choices, I had a hard time relating to people. So make sure to have patience and give him the time he needs to adjust, especially if hes been locked up for a real long time. Good Luck !
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to churley188 For This Useful Post:
Sheryl P. (02-09-2013)
  #56  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:35 AM
churley188's Avatar
churley188 churley188 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Grand Rapids, MI.
Posts: 109
Thanks: 94
Thanked 79 Times in 35 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pequenoleon View Post
Expectations are premeditated resentments ...

The real truth is that ANY man will wander and doesn't even need a reason why -- he didn't have to be in prison to need a reason.

I wouldn't "expect" him to cheat just because he'd been in prison anymore than I'd "expect" him to remain faithful because you'd stood by him. I will promise you this though, he just got out of one prison and the LAST thing he wants is to be locked on another one. If you're clingy and insecure then he will surely stray or just leave outright.
As much as I appreciate your opinion and the useful information that you have passed along, I would have to comment on your first paragraph. First of all this type of behavior is not gender specific to just Men, I can give you just as many females that have done the exact same thing. The same with your second paragraph, it applies to females as well as Males. I'm not saying that it is not true or is not accurate but I am just pointing out that Men are not the only ones that cheat and not all Men cheat or are they unfaithful. I was faithful to my wife and she slept with any guy that she came into contact with, so women are just as guilty of this as men. Each person is different.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 02-11-2012, 05:34 AM
AmberJunior612's Avatar
AmberJunior612 AmberJunior612 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Old Bridge, NJ
Posts: 188
Thanks: 0
Thanked 62 Times in 38 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rox73
.

Maybe faithfulness is realistic and fair to expect at first. But what about down the road? Let's say 5-10 years? Someone goes in at 17-18, comes out at say 30 or so... at 35 or 40 things have started to be "routine" for the couple. Will he start thinking then that it would have been fun to at least try to be with another woman?
.
My babe went in young, but he did have time to be with other women as I did with other men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rox73
.
If we put ourselves in their shoes.... would you have wanted to miss the time you were "playing" around? Getting that experience? I wouldn't have wanted to miss it... I don't need to do it anymore. But it's an important part of growing up in my opinion. Most people don't want to enter into marriage being a virgin for the exact same reasons. Why should something else apply to long term inmates who went in at a young age?

Just a few thoughts to throw around the pond.
I am missing out on alot by holding him down for a 12 1/2 year bid with 7 years left on his sentence, it should apply to him for the same reason I am waiting, its not easy but when you love someone you make sacrifices, try to meet the other partner 1/2 way or find solutions, if our sex life became boring when he came home then communicate and try to find new things ... Theres no excuse.... !
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 03-30-2012, 10:25 AM
Clevus Clevus is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: man,canada
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 28 Times in 18 Posts
Default

Sure it's reasonable. Why not?

Men and women go onto cloistered situations every day. Monasteries all over the world have people who have vowed not only to close themselves off to society so's they can do God's work of constant prayer and sacrifice, but also reject any expression of sexual desires by becoming celibate.

Albeit a prison brings with it a specific kind of suffering. A person could offer these things up to God until the day he leaves. On his day of release he can go into society with a confidence that he left prison with a special kind of "record" only recorded in a heavenly registry open to the children of God. His days of prayers and making sacrifices to other inmates, like offering is desert to another at meal time, by offering his prayers, by giving something up like a magazine or anything small that can make another inmate's endurance improve. All these are recorded and will aid the person by having God taking a special watch on his release so he can make his way back into society. God will reward.

So it's not all lost. God NEVER considers a person lost while on earth. If a person's alive, that's a message that he is still God's worker doing things for him while he resides on this planet.

A person on the row is still in God's employ by offering prayers for others besides himself. He can still become a Franciscan or Dominican at heart by doing so.

It will be remembered in the celestial court that "Even in the midst of the horrible and imminent situation of his terminal physical life, he still took time to care about someone else besides himself. What a Saint, What a Franciscan, What an ideal subject of His Majesty."

Last edited by Clevus; 03-30-2012 at 10:26 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 04-10-2012, 06:55 PM
law~curious law~curious is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 53
Thanks: 0
Thanked 18 Times in 12 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pequenoleon
Expectations are premeditated resentments ...

The real truth is that ANY man will wander and doesn't even need a reason why -- he didn't have to be in prison to need a reason.

I wouldn't "expect" him to cheat just because he'd been in prison anymore than I'd "expect" him to remain faithful because you'd stood by him. I will promise you this though, he just got out of one prison and the LAST thing he wants is to be locked on another one. If you're clingy and insecure then he will surely stray or just leave outright.

As an ex convict myself, I knew alot of women who developed relationships with men on the outside -- some were sincere but most weren't. Some women were just bored and the fantasy and attention helped them pass their time -- others were more predatory, playing for hefty financial support both for themselves and sometimes even for friends and family either inside or out. Every once in awhile I met a woman who was truly sincere about her new found friend, and they even went to be with them in the world -- it never worked though, not once.

The fact is that anyone who has done serious long time is usually either so institutionalized or emotionally traumatized that its hard for them to relate to a citizen in any type of meaningful relationship.

I don't want to stomp all over your dream and I apologize if I'm just a little too real, but you seem like a good person so let me share some advice with you and anyone else initiating a relationship with someone on the inside that they've never met :

1) Don't ever use your real address -- write from a PO Box, if you change your mind you don't want them showing up on your doorstep one day

2) If they ask for money stall at first, see if they still want to be friends without it -- if its just a racket for them they'll get bored wasting their stamps on a dry well after a month or two.

3) If you do actually send him money, ONLY send what you can afford -- NEVER let yourself get into trouble taking care of a convict. Truth is that no matter how badly they tell you they "need" the money, their food shelter and clothing are free ... yours are not.

4) Take everything a day at a time -- don't expect anything and don't request, bargain or demand a relationship or fidelity ... just let it be.

Bottom line is just take a day at a time. If he's been in for a really long time then he'll need help and space to readjust to even the basics of living on the world. If you're serious about him, be supportive, be available and be patient.

Good luck
Preach!
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 01-12-2013, 11:47 PM
Dais2999's Avatar
Dais2999 Dais2999 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Virginia, Martinsville
Posts: 9
Thanks: 1
Thanked 6 Times in 3 Posts
Default

As someone who did time. Yes it's fair, and yes it's realistic. However this is also the possiablity of ither party falling out of love. While inside I watched a lifer get a visit every week from his wife who has been comming to see him for 20+ years. Everytime they were together you could see the love and passion his wife had for him. She made that visitation room her home. Now my mother was the one that visited me the most and she talked to the woman. And when asked questions of the heart she simply said "I know he did wrong in the past, and I know he'll never sleep in my bed again for what he did, but when I start losing faith. I look at my ring and knowing that he still loves me keeps me strong for him." When my mother told me this it didn't shock me because I saw it in their eyes everyweek.
Reply With Quote
  #61  
Old 03-23-2013, 11:38 PM
inmate514 inmate514 is offline
Parolee, ex-drug offender
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: NY USA
Posts: 34
Thanks: 17
Thanked 26 Times in 11 Posts
Default

Yes; if you're in a committed relationship it means just that, whether or not you are in prison. If anything, I'd be extra careful to be faithful since I am sure it's not easy to have to wait for a prisoner to be released in order to continue your full relationship.
__________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 04-10-2013, 07:30 PM
bigpappy bigpappy is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 92
Thanks: 10
Thanked 107 Times in 45 Posts
Default

As an ex-con, I can only tell you what I think.

I think, that if you are married to someone, you have every right to expect that someone to be monogamous. Obviously, people are disappointed in this regard every day. That doesn't make it any less wrong, however.

If you "meet" someone while they are incarcerated, there is nothing unfair about expecting that same someone to be faithful - provided there is a mutual understanding ahead of time that the relationship is monogamous.

Circumstances do not define character - it's how we respond to those circumstances. If a man is released after 20 years, and is in a monogamous relationship with you for the past 15, there is no reason to expect he would cheat on you when he was released. There is every reason to expect he would be faithful. If he is not, it has very little to do with needing physical release. It has more to do with a lack of self-respect.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to bigpappy For This Useful Post:
Tx_Angel (04-10-2013)
  #63  
Old 04-13-2013, 01:27 PM
Clevus Clevus is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: man,canada
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 28 Times in 18 Posts
Default

It might be fair to extend benefit of the doubt for the time being. Start with a promising and welcoming environment, since this may be the only one he will receive for some time. Then take it from there.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 08-16-2013, 06:14 AM
spemat spemat is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bavaria Germany
Posts: 11
Thanks: 0
Thanked 7 Times in 4 Posts
Default

My boyfriend and I are both bisexual. I have no issue with him sowing his oats with women because I don't have the same equipment so it is actually encouraged and a lot of women surprisingly are into that. However, we are in love and as long as it is understood on both ends. As long as it is understood that there is no relationship and they are not borderline personalities, have STD's or end up pregnant, we can sleep with all of the women we want, as long as we all keep an open communication. Other men on the other hand are not the same story. In that case, our relationship would go straight to hell. He knows I have dual citizenship and would be on a plane to der Vaterland with no looking back. My US criminal record has no bearing on my German citizenship there since I am not a sex offender or repeat offender because I never broke the law there.

I was locked up before too and we both agreed not to mess with dudes in jail mainly out of fear of AIDS and other STDs and having the reputation of being a "flamer". We are both masculine and really have no connection to any gay people because we are not the same as they are and they treat bisexuals like dirt. We were both kids that messed up as juveniles and are generally honest people. We aren't sociopaths or anything and we stay honest with each other so it works for us. Different couples have different boundaries though. We are both tested and STD free.

Last edited by spemat; 08-16-2013 at 06:19 AM.. Reason: additions
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Bill would require registered sex offenders to notify employers scca California Prison News & Events 0 05-26-2006 05:42 PM
Seven area officers pound pavement to track convicts JJT OREGON 0 11-16-2004 01:09 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:16 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2013 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics