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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

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  #26  
Old 05-06-2012, 05:30 PM
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I am sorry you are going through all of this. I actually have an appointment with my therapist in a few days. This is an accomplishment for me since I have been vehemently opposed to believing anything is wrong with me. I have social anxiety and chances are I have had it since I was 13. Once I was talking to my boyfriend about my feelings and I said maybe its psychological. He suggest that I might need medication and I snapped at him big time. I was angry for days. All I heard was that, "I was crazy. I wasn't right. I was a bad person." Lets face it we see people with mental health issues in our society as being bad, dangerous, or unreliable. When you talk about your boyfriend wanting the respect of his parents it makes me wounder if he doesn't want to add one more thing to the list of reasons they have not to respect him.

One thing that helped me was reading the book, The Shame That Binds You. The author doesn't talk down to the reader. He doesn't say its your fault or its not your fault. He simply writes about the expectations put on us growing up and how those expectations can cause us to harm ourselves as adults. If anything I felt respected by the author. I didn't feel like i was being called a crazy, hopeless man. I wasn't encouraged to hate my parents. If anything he suggest seeing your parents as fallible human beings. This helped me to give up on the need to earn my parents respect. I want my parents to respect me. I want to respect myself more than I want my parents to respect me, because my parents ideas of what is respectful may not be right, since they are fallible.

Try getting him a few books on anxiety, depression, and shame. Maybe talking about closing the shop isn't the best idea. You probably don't mean it but you are suggesting that he quit and run away from the problem. No man wants to be told that. Maybe the shop isn't the problem. If his problems are rooted in his relationship with his parents then the problem will re-rear its ugly head at some point in the future. If the shop is the problem he has to come to that solution on his own. Perhaps working to pay his dad off and getting his dad out of the business would be a solution. Is his dad his boss, landlord or business partner. Does he need to become, the authority in the shop. Hopefully your man will get help. First he needs to come to grips with the fact that seeking help for mental health is no more shameful than seeking help for physical help. I hope one of the books suggested in this thread helps.
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  #27  
Old 05-06-2012, 08:45 PM
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I am sorry you are going through all of this. I actually have an appointment with my therapist in a few days. This is an accomplishment for me since I have been vehemently opposed to believing anything is wrong with me. I have social anxiety and chances are I have had it since I was 13. Once I was talking to my boyfriend about my feelings and I said maybe its psychological. He suggest that I might need medication and I snapped at him big time. I was angry for days. All I heard was that, "I was crazy. I wasn't right. I was a bad person." Lets face it we see people with mental health issues in our society as being bad, dangerous, or unreliable. When you talk about your boyfriend wanting the respect of his parents it makes me wounder if he doesn't want to add one more thing to the list of reasons they have not to respect him.

One thing that helped me was reading the book, The Shame That Binds You. The author doesn't talk down to the reader. He doesn't say its your fault or its not your fault. He simply writes about thei expectations put on us growing up and how those expectations can cause us to harm ourselves as adults. If anything I felt respected by thje author. I didn't feel like i was being called a crazy, hopeless man. I wasn't encouraged to hate my parents. If anything he suggest seeing your parents as fallible human beings. This helped me to give up on the need to earn my parents respect. I want my parents to respect me. I want to respect myself more than I want my parents to respect me, because my parents ideas of what is respectful may not be right, since they are fallible.

Try getting him a few books on anxiety, depression, and shame. Maybe talking about closing the shop isn't the best idea. You probably don't mean it but you are suggesting that he quit and run away from the problem. No man wants to be told that. Maybe the shop isn't the problem. If his problems are rooted in his relationship with his parents then the problem will re-rear its ugly head at some point in the future. If the shop is the problem he has to come to that solution on his own. Perhaps working to pay his dad off and getting his dad out of the business would be a solution. Is his dad his boss, landlord or business partner. Does he need to become, the authority in the shop. Hopefully your man will get help. First he needs to come to grips with the fact that seeking help for mental health is no more shameful than seeking help for physical help. I hope one of the books suggested in this thread helps.
Thanks for your advice, i am going to look for the shame that binds you at the library, i think it would help him to read that. You are probably right that he feels they would look down on him for having mental illness, his dad is very old fashioned and these problems were swept under the rug in older generations.
I never thought about him feeling that closing the shop would be running away from his problems.. That makes so much sense, my husband has always been the type of guy to say f*** it and dive headfirst into conflict, face his fears and suffer through pain without complaining. His dad is the landlord, and my husband is the sole propietor (dont know if i spelled that right) of the shop. He has helped us alot but my husband is the boss. I hope someday they can have a father-son relationship before its too late.
Thanks again for the advice, i am going to look for that book and other similar ones.
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Old 05-07-2012, 11:51 AM
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If you think he is in any way a danger to himself or others you can call an ambulance and they will come get him. He will be committed for a 72 hr observation period --which he might need.
You are right - you cannot make him do anything. It sounds like he is struggling with serious mental illness. If he is aware of this and still refuses to seek help then I think it is time for you to focus on YOUR emotional, financial and physical wellbeing.
I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation. I think it's time for his family to step in and take over. They might not handle things perfectly but I suspect they won't do anything as long as you are there holding everything together.
Hang in there, Hon. You're doing great in very hard circumstances.
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  #29  
Old 05-08-2012, 02:43 PM
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Were at the hospital now waiting to see someone. Ill let you all know what happens.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:26 PM
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Thanks for being so open and vulnerable with us! My partner is till inside but as he has been in for so long, I suspect we might have some of these issues when he comes out. Most of the advice you have received are on point and glad to see that you have been investigating the options and have even stepped outside. Although my partner is still inside,

I do have some experience with others who have left - and unfortunately have returned - due to some of the issues named here. My most urgent advice to them is to take things slowly and as it was when inside, do your own time! Not what the family wants or demands but debrief, chill out and don't be in a rush to get the trappings (picket fence house or penthouse apartment, luxury car, etc). Baby steps are the key and if things are threatening to fall apart -- seek help. If can be a psychologist but it could just as well be finding a support group.

My experience has been that those who come out and try to "catch up" with the life they think they have missed, try to live up to others expectations will have serious challenges and possibly relapse into some former behavior that led them to prison in the first place.

So along with everything else, you two need to step back, let go what is way too stressful and plan baby steps, such as a date night as suggested, going to do a physical exam rather than seeing psychologist as that word/thought might scare him...remember that most inside did not have good experiences with psychologists.

Do keep us posted - one because we want to know you are doing well and two because your gains will help the rest of us who will be dealing with this in the future.

Thanks and all the best!
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:38 PM
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Thanks P'sWoman. We both already saw seperate doctors. They are giving me effexor for anxiety/panic attacks and trazadone to help me sleep. Husband is going to get wellbutrin and something else he doesnt remember the name of. They didnt diagnose him with ptsd or pics so thats good. Were still here waiting to get the prescriptions. There is also an outpatient program the doctor i saw recommended. Hopefully the meds will help him function again.
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  #32  
Old 05-09-2012, 02:37 PM
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BIG ((((((((hugs)))))))

i admire your strength and honesty thank you for keeping us updated. we all need to see the reality of life after prison and it is going to be a different journey for everyone but we can learn from each other as well as support one another.

many thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes your way
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Old 05-09-2012, 11:00 PM
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Right now, im at his parents house... His mom has been drinking, and he got upset about something when they were talking, slammed the door and got in his truck to leave. So my husband and his dad are in the driveway talking and crying, my mother in law and brother in law are in the living room talking and crying.. and i am sitting in the kitchen by myself on prisontalk lol. I swear someone could make a movie about this family

Im glad hes talking to his dad though, he needed to.
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:40 AM
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aaahhh sweetie I am so sorry the drama continues but I am glad that it sounds like it is coming to an end so the healing can begin.

big (((hugs))) to you and just remember to take a deep breath and keep moving forward
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Old 05-10-2012, 12:42 PM
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Great news, we are both at work and his dad is helping us straighten some of our problems out.
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:27 PM
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YYYYAAAAAA!!!!!!! this is a step in the right direction so happy for y'all keep moving forward with positive vibes!!!!
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Old 05-10-2012, 08:09 PM
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Thank you, i feel really good and happy today. I think everything is gonna work out, we have customers scheduled for the weekend
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:58 PM
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it sounds like things are opening up and im glad both of you are getting some help' you are a very strong and courageous woman.
its not easy when we see our men struggle but my man always tells me "unity is strength" im sure having you by his side has given him alot of comfort. i know just reading what you wrote that it helps me see that it wont be easy at all and i need to be prepared. my man has been down a little over 20 years and has maybe 3-4 to go... thank you for sharing because very rarely does anyone share along these lines. im afraid that all the emotions that have been locked up will just be overwhelming like what your husband has been going thru.
im so glad that he decided to go for some help and also that things are improving for the business. i hope your burden is becomming lighter and lighter and for your husband also. i pray for strength and blessings for both you and your husband.
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:18 AM
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Thank you, hisbabyny. I appreciate the kind words
I hope your man is able to adjust to life out here. I think its important for newly released inmates to have alot of support and get into counseling programs right away, even if they think they are fine and dont need it. I feel like we could have prevented these problems, but it is what it is.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:54 AM
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I am truly so sorry you are going through this. Only being on this forum for a short time, still I feel as if I know you as a friend and my heart was breaking for you as I read through the thread.

One of your last replies you said you felt happier. My heart lifted when I read those words. I am so very glad, and pray you continue down this road. You have been given some great advise, took bits and pieces of it all and are finding your way through. You will find your way through. I mean no additional pressure on you to be superwoman because I know strong women sometimes want to scream at the top of their lungs they don't want to wear that damn cape anymore--especially when you felt the big battle was over. However, that's the kind of woman you have proven and continue to prove to be. But you knew. You knew just where you needed to go for backup when you needed it most.

There is nothing I will try to add to the wisdom these women offered, but I will say you are an inspiration and I am very proud of you for the way you are handling this situation. I wish you nothing but true happiness and you will be in my prayers. You seem to have a plan; but still, one day at a time. You ARE making progress.
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  #41  
Old 05-11-2012, 11:47 AM
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As I read through these posts I saw so much pain and confusion but at the same time I saw a whole lot of love and support.
When I think back to my release and what I came home to, I can relate. My husband had worked for his father for years and in that time, it was always dad's way or the highway. The problem with dad's way was that it did not work for Lee before he started committing crimes and it darn sure did not work once he was released from SAFPF and had some kind of general idea of what normal life and normal thinking should be. For about the first year and a half we had several ups and downs to include depression on both of our parts. He wanted to work for himself and earn a living, I just wanted to find work and it seemed like due to Lee's loyalty to his father our bills were not getting paid and we just could not seem to make it. I can remember feeling all of those feelings and I remember that it ate both he and I up. Eventually, he got out on his own and his father pretty much disowned him for not following the path that he had set for him. It was hard for awhile, with Lee bidding jobs and his dad doing everything he could to make sure that we did not make it. At the same time I was working as cheap labor for him, working another job and starting school. Our life, quite bluntly, was a nightmare.

I honestly have no words of wisdom that will immediately fix this other than hang in there. If your husband needs help, do whatever you can do to encourage him to get it. It might do him good for him to be able to talk to someone who has a different insight into what might work out better for him. Honestly, even though Lee heard my words it took someone else to level with him and for him to realize that he needed to do some things on his own to be the man that he knew he could be. In my case, it took my mentor sitting me down and leveling with me on how to deal with my own emotions and how not to project them on him. I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and that it is my sincere wish that only the best happens for you guys no matter what that may be.
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  #42  
Old 05-11-2012, 08:16 PM
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Thank you, hisbabyny. I appreciate the kind words
I hope your man is able to adjust to life out here. I think its important for newly released inmates to have alot of support and get into counseling programs right away, even if they think they are fine and dont need it. I feel like we could have prevented these problems, but it is what it is.
im not sure if your husband thought he would be just fine once he came home but thats kind of how my man feels. he knows he'll have some adjusting but i have no idea what to think. he has completed many programs and always been somewhat of a businessman but its mentally what i worry about especially since the prison code of life is Very different from free society. I agree completely with you about them getting into counseling programs whether they think they need it or not. many men dont want to get help for fear of weakness so im not sure if many would sign up on their own. but I think it should be part of the release procedure and some type of real support for the ex con and his family.
I think that so many end up back in prison because of this reason' they need help to deal with life out here after being locked up and the system is part of the problem. im so happy for you that things seem to be on a better track in your situation.
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Old 05-12-2012, 01:49 AM
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Thanks everyone Your support means alot to me.
I have been really sick all day from the sleeping pills i was given and still have a headache. Im not going to take them again. Other than that, things are going good for us.
thanks again
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Old 05-12-2012, 03:54 AM
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One step at a time, dear lady...you guys are on the right track and, in time, this will be a memory. I'm SO glad to see that you're having good moments, days again! I hope that all goes well this weekend with hubby at the shop. You've both been through the wringer but you know what they say once you hit 'bottom'...there's nowhere to go but up! :-)

((((HUGS))))
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Old 05-12-2012, 11:47 AM
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Thats so true, Anna.. nowhere to go but up
My mom and stepdad are flying in today, they should be here in an hour or two and we are going shopping and having dinner at a winery tonight. Im excited
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:39 PM
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Thats so true, Anna.. nowhere to go but up
My mom and stepdad are flying in today, they should be here in an hour or two and we are going shopping and having dinner at a winery tonight. Im excited
enjoy yourself girl! you deserve it!
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:46 PM
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Things are going pretty good at the shop. He got paid for a carburetor job today and right now hes helping our car mechanic friend change the brakes and oil on a van.. Theyre going to split what they make. I am happy that he is motivated about work again. He is very good at what he does and im glad hes not going to throw his skills away. There will always be stress and bills to pay but if we can keep this up, things will be manageable. If everything goes as planned today, we are going to enjoy a day off tomorrow because we earned it. i am so tired, the puppy and i fell asleep together in a chair. Thanks PTO for helping me find strength and motivation. I couldnt have done it without all of you
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:09 PM
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Things are going pretty good at the shop. He got paid for a carburetor job today and right now hes helping our car mechanic friend change the brakes and oil on a van.. Theyre going to split what they make. I am happy that he is motivated about work again. He is very good at what he does and im glad hes not going to throw his skills away. There will always be stress and bills to pay but if we can keep this up, things will be manageable. If everything goes as planned today, we are going to enjoy a day off tomorrow because we earned it. i am so tired, the puppy and i fell asleep together in a chair. Thanks PTO for helping me find strength and motivation. I couldnt have done it without all of you
Sooooooooo glad things are looking up. You've really been through it, Lady. You've managed everything with dignity, compassion and a cool head - be proud of yourself! Make sure, please, to take some time and notice all you accomplished.

I hope things continue moving in a positive direction. No matter what, you're gonna be fine. Yea!
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Old 05-20-2012, 06:42 AM
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I'm so glad you guys are doing better! * big hugs*
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:07 AM
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just wanted to stop by and send some positive vibes and some BIG (((((hugs)))))

I hope all is going well
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