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Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

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  #1  
Old 04-30-2012, 02:01 AM
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Default For all those who have baby daddies in prison....

I am thinking about having my man's baby. It would be a while because I have two misdemeanors which were completely unfair and it's causing me to not be able to see him let alone have EFV's if those will ever even happen... Hopefully we'll be able to get married and live happily ever after.. but anyways. I am thinking that I want a piece of him, and I think he's a great Dad to the daughter he has right now.. I know I could be ready to have his baby by the time we'd be eligible for EFV's or by the time he got out.

How does it work for you to have your baby daddy in prison? I know it must be hard, but how is it hard? Is it worth it? What's the easiest part? What's the hardest part? Would you recommend it if I really want a part of him with me, and to create a child with the man I love?
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Away From You.
I am thinking about having my man's baby. It would be a while because I have two misdemeanors which were completely unfair and it's causing me to not be able to see him let alone have EFV's if those will ever even happen... Hopefully we'll be able to get married and live happily ever after.. but anyways. I am thinking that I want a piece of him, and I think he's a great Dad to the daughter he has right now.. I know I could be ready to have his baby by the time we'd be eligible for EFV's or by the time he got out.

How does it work for you to have your baby daddy in prison? I know it must be hard, but how is it hard? Is it worth it? What's the easiest part? What's the hardest part? Would you recommend it if I really want a part of him with me, and to create a child with the man I love?
the easiest part...there is no easy part. it's psychically and emotionally draining. I didn't ask to be a single parent and essentially you are. I dont believe anyone is ever really ready to be a parent and I know I definitely was not ready to be a single parent. I am because I HAVE to be. you would be choosing to be. you said that YOU want a part of him with you. but a child isn't just a part of somebody he or she is a living breathing human being with emotions and you would be choosing to put him or her through pain. even if your "baby's daddy" came home before the child was old enough to realize he was gone, why would you want him to miss everything? ultrasounds labor and delivery are all very difficult when your partner is missing. i would never choose to put myself and another child through this....pls think VERY hard before you make your decision.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:48 AM
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I definitely agree that labour and pregnancy is hard. I guess I just look at the daughter I have now, and wish that I could have another from him. I want to create a family with him, and I just wonder if I could make it or not.
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:17 PM
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I definitely agree that labour and pregnancy is hard. I guess I just look at the daughter I have now, and wish that I could have another from him. I want to create a family with him, and I just wonder if I could make it or not.
you would be able to make it because your making it now but my personal advice would be to wait...either way good luck! and I would LOVE to have another baby with my man but he knows it would kill both of us to not be able to do it together AGAIN.
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:28 PM
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Thank you very much for your kind words.... I think I was stupid to post this because I know what I want. I guess I just wanted to share how I was feeling... I feel lonely sometimes
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:40 PM
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we all feel lonely today has been a ROUGH day for me! I think my little girl is coming down with something because she has been super grouchy and had a huge accident and I just sat down and cried and cried because i wish her dad was here to help
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:44 PM
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I have 3 kids. My 2 youngest are with my fiancé who's in prison. Sentence is 13-36 months. The girls are 1 & 2. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do & I personally wouldn't recommend doing it purposefully. My 2 year old asks for daddy & says he's lost & that she's sad. He cries every day bcus of how much he wants to be with them. I know that the baby won't remember him when he gets home & wonder if she will be afraid of him. I am sad, lonely, exhausted. Being a single parent really sucks. I can't go anywhere without lugging everyone & all their crap around with me! Something as simple as stopping for gas becomes a huge task that I just want to put off as long as I can. My son is 10 & I have to get up every morning & get 3 kids ready & in the car just to drive him to school & then lug them all out again a few hours later to pick him up! I can't take my dogs for a walk without everyone with me. Can't go to a doctor appointment or a job interview. Working is gonna be interesting. Still don't know how I'm gonna pull it off w/ no one here to watch the kids & I can't afford 250/week for daycare. Especially since I'm not even hired anywhere yet. I can really go on & on about all of the difficulties. But basically every little thing u take for granted when u either don't have kids or have ur man home to help, u can kiss goodbye! I say wait but to each their own. Some people are lucky & have a lot of help from family. I'm on my own so it's harder.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:45 PM
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I do have a lot of help from family, but that would be hard. Having to be dependent on everyone else would probably be the biggest problem for me besides the loneliness.. :/

I just think that it's a big commitment that I'm ready to take. I love him, and I think that it's the right thing for us... I guess I just don't want to go into it blind.
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Old 04-30-2012, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kielesmom View Post
I have 3 kids. My 2 youngest are with my fiancé who's in prison. Sentence is 13-36 months. The girls are 1 & 2. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do & I personally wouldn't recommend doing it purposefully. My 2 year old asks for daddy & says he's lost & that she's sad. He cries every day bcus of how much he wants to be with them. I know that the baby won't remember him when he gets home & wonder if she will be afraid of him. I am sad, lonely, exhausted. Being a single parent really sucks. I can't go anywhere without lugging everyone & all their crap around with me! Something as simple as stopping for gas becomes a huge task that I just want to put off as long as I can. My son is 10 & I have to get up every morning & get 3 kids ready & in the car just to drive him to school & then lug them all out again a few hours later to pick him up! I can't take my dogs for a walk without everyone with me. Can't go to a doctor appointment or a job interview. Working is gonna be interesting. Still don't know how I'm gonna pull it off w/ no one here to watch the kids & I can't afford 250/week for daycare. Especially since I'm not even hired anywhere yet. I can really go on & on about all of the difficulties. But basically every little thing u take for granted when u either don't have kids or have ur man home to help, u can kiss goodbye! I say wait but to each their own. Some people are lucky & have a lot of help from family. I'm on my own so it's harder.
Oh yes I definitely agree its hard without your partner its not easy being a single mother and especially when you have no help! I'm also worried about my daughter not knowing her father and being scared of him I show her pictures and and talk to her about him everyday but she's only 10 months old so she don't really care what I'm saying she just wants to eat the picture, but I still do it to make sure I tried to keep him in our daily lives and activities! But he should be home in just a few months so hopefully he's not a stranger to her yet! He's only been gone a few months! But I still worry about how she'll react when he comes home!
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Old 04-30-2012, 09:53 PM
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well like i said in the other thread. wait and think about this. My bf gets very sad because he missed his daughter's birth. he is missing all of her milestones and more importantly he will miss her first birthday. when we go to visit him she cries because she doesn't really know who he is. I can see how sad he looks in his eyes even though he continues to try and smile. I know it saddens him. we thought he would be out before her first birthday, but he was denied parole and let me tell you the sadness and dispair in his voice was saddening. I would rather have had him here with me in the delivery room to cut his daughter's cord. When my daughter was born I had a csection and was out of it for 24 hours. I was so out of it I couldn't really be there for my newborn, her father could not either because he was in jail. explaining to the staff that her father will not be coming to the hospital was depressing and bringing her home alone was also not great. I look at her and see him and smile, but i also am saddened that he is not here to see her first smile, her first real laugh, she just took her first steps the other day, that was so bitter sweet because I know he would have loved to be here to see her develop and grow. so like i suggested before, having a baby is not something to take lightly. I mean you are already a single parent, what is your financial situation like? babies are expensive. Good luck.
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Old 04-30-2012, 10:04 PM
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well like i said in the other thread. wait and think about this. My bf gets very sad because he missed his daughter's birth. he is missing all of her milestones and more importantly he will miss her first birthday. when we go to visit him she cries because she doesn't really know who he is. I can see how sad he looks in his eyes even though he continues to try and smile. I know it saddens him. we thought he would be out before her first birthday, but he was denied parole and let me tell you the sadness and dispair in his voice was saddening. I would rather have had him here with me in the delivery room to cut his daughter's cord. When my daughter was born I had a csection and was out of it for 24 hours. I was so out of it I couldn't really be there for my newborn, her father could not either because he was in jail. explaining to the staff that her father will not be coming to the hospital was depressing and bringing her home alone was also not great. I look at her and see him and smile, but i also am saddened that he is not here to see her first smile, her first real laugh, she just took her first steps the other day, that was so bitter sweet because I know he would have loved to be here to see her develop and grow. so like i suggested before, having a baby is not something to take lightly. I mean you are already a single parent, what is your financial situation like? babies are expensive. Good luck.
I haven't taken them to see him. He was in county for a month & only had glass visits. This last month he's been in medical clearance at state but no phone calls & no visits. My 2 year old is so mad when the phone rings & it's not him. She doesn't understand why he's not calling anymore. He says this is the worst pain he's ever felt in his life. Not being able to see his girls. Since he's been gone my 2 year old is using the potty & the one year old is walking. It's only been 2 months out of a 13-36 month stretch. You can't get these precious moments back. I can't imagine how hard it must have been going thru a csection w/o him. I've had 4 & I know how hard they are.
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Old 05-01-2012, 12:27 AM
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I am thinking about having my man's baby. It would be a while because I have two misdemeanors which were completely unfair and it's causing me to not be able to see him let alone have EFV's if those will ever even happen... Hopefully we'll be able to get married and live happily ever after.. but anyways. I am thinking that I want a piece of him, and I think he's a great Dad to the daughter he has right now.. I know I could be ready to have his baby by the time we'd be eligible for EFV's or by the time he got out.

How does it work for you to have your baby daddy in prison? I know it must be hard, but how is it hard? Is it worth it? What's the easiest part? What's the hardest part? Would you recommend it if I really want a part of him with me, and to create a child with the man I love?
I understand about wanting a piece of him with you...we have a daughter together he left just before she was 5 months old and will be gone for the next 3 years. It's comforting to look at her and see him, his expressions, eyes and so on. But we have been together for 6 1/2 years I DID NOT want to be a single parent and I am. Like someone else said he is missing EVERYTHING with her she crawls and is beginning to say dada now...and lugging her into prison is not fun. I really understand what you are saying but try to think with your head till he's home to make your family whole!
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Old 05-04-2012, 09:43 AM
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Honey, I caught your thread in DV, and I've got to say that having a child with a man who's currently in prison for domestic violence on a child seems like the worst possible folly. You can't protect a child against an abusive parent except by leaving.
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:00 AM
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honey, i caught your thread in dv, and i've got to say that having a child with a man who's currently in prison for domestic violence on a child seems like the worst possible folly. You can't protect a child against an abusive parent except by leaving.
agreeeeeeed!!!!!
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Old 05-04-2012, 10:18 AM
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Its really hard. You think that having "a piece of him" is worth him missing out on the birth/pregnancy/ major monuments of that child's life? I'm sure you love him, but everyday when I wake up to see my son, it KILLS me to know that his dad misses out on everything and that he's losing out as well. I try my hardest to facilitate their bonding, and even though my son kisses pictures of his dad...he gets scared.of him in visiting and it's really hard on his dad (like to the point he cries) and its really emotionally hard for me. What's done is done and I wouldn't change it. But don't forget that its not just having a part of him or the love that's going to make it any easier. Children are expensive to take care of Ans without his help how are you going to manage? I also have a lot of help from my family (thank God or I'd be homeless) BUT I hate having to dependon them. We both.look like fools in that moment. I just wish I had the.means to take care of him independently and not.hhave to rely on my family who did not choose to take care of another kid. We can't afford to visit him often and that's frustrating because I know the more they visit the more they will bond. You are as the other lady.mentioned...a single mom. Its physically draining, emotionally draining and just really hard. I'm 20 and I feel like I'm 45. Its so stressful that I've even aged physically beyond my years. As a mother you have to look out foe the emotional well-being of your child. We didn't know he was going to get locked up, but had I known I don't think I would bring a child into this situation because iI dont believe its the most emotionally healthy thing for them. A child isnt a momentum for you to hold onto...its an innocent, loving being who nneeds as nurturing of an environment as you can provide.
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Old 05-04-2012, 12:51 PM
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I must agree with what GuerosMama said! My baby just turned 1 a week ago... and this last year has been really hard on us and on our relationship.... I love my baby she is the biggest blessing in my life! I would not change her for the world! But in honesty its hard... My baby just like GuerosMama's baby kisses pictures and will point at him when you ask her where is dada she points at him and loves hearing his voice every night... But when we visit she recently started crying.... She doesn't want to be held by him or wants me to walk away... Bc I guess she gets scared... My husband gets very sad also to the point he has shed some tears... She is our first born and he wants to have that Daddy's little girl bond but its hard… I visit as much as I can and I am lucky he is only about 1 hour away from home… But it’s really hard… We even have FV every 90 days but its still not the same... You need to set priorities and sometimes visiting dada is not in the priority list bc you have other priorities like buying diapers, formula, paying day care… and bills… and If you are alone then it gets hard… I have my sister, brother and his family that have helped me a lot but they are not there on an everyday basis (my sister is but she has her own stuff to deal with) so it’s pretty much just me… Its not impossible but you have to be up for the challenge… J I know if I can do it anyone can… But if you can avoid it why not? But if you feel this is something you want well go for it but its not only going to effect you it will effect your baby and your relationship.

Don't feel stupid! that is how you feel and you feel like a baby will make you feel less lonely... Those are your feelings! I will tell you though the baby will keep you busy up to a point then you will feel more lonely bc he is not there to experience everything with you then you will feela different type of lonelyness...

I hope you make the right choice for you...
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Old 05-04-2012, 01:13 PM
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This is how bad it gets some times I want to shoot myself in the head because I feel so hurt by the pain I have caused my daughter. Yes I know I am not the reason her father is locked up but it was my choice to lay down with him and make a baby. The pain and lost she feels is heartwrenching. To watch her act out and not know how to help her is torture. I don't know how much longer your man has but there is nothing easy about being a single parent. What starts at as your choice will produce a child that has problems because of your choice. This is just my opinion and what I am going through.
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:17 PM
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I would also like to add that after reading those posts...as a mother, I will hope that your maternal instincts will tell you not to let your child be around someone who would do that. I'm sorry, I don't know him, but protection.of your child is of utmost importance and shame on any woman who allows their child to remain in danger. :/
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:01 AM
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I just had our newborn last Sunday, it's something very special to share with both the parents.
This is our first child n im doing it by myself till he gets out n 2014. Family is a great help. But u need help 24/7 thats y u should wait.
U already have a lil girl n adding on a newborn will b hell too do it by urself.

I understand that u want to have his child, but the wait will b worth it.
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Old 05-10-2012, 08:35 AM
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Conditions of release for a guy convicted of child abuse... hmmm, would you even get help when he's released ?
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:30 PM
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I can't believe that even after hearing everything we said in the DV forum, you are still considering this. I hope that someone can bring you to your senses and you will not produce a child that will end up exactly like all of us who had abusive parents.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but he has a DV/serious assault charge. The likelihood that he'll be eligible for EFV in WA is slim if it's with you, and non-existent if children are involved. If it is definitely a serious assault charge, which I don't know for sure, he won't get EFV without jumping through some really serious legal hoops. Because it's on a DV case, if it is a serious assault, it ain't going to happen.
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Old 05-11-2012, 02:34 PM
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I actually find it surprising to hear there are woman who actually want to have a child with an incarcerated individual. To each his/her own, but I don't think it's fair to the child. Yes, my man is in jail and we have a child together, but trust me when I tell you it wasn't by choice. I was pregnant when he was arrested. It's the hardest thing to have to go through alone. My son will be 12 this year and yes his father is still incarcerated and has NEVER seen his father in the outside world. Until that day comes I'm mommy and daddy, which is unfortunate because I'm one of those woman that believes it takes a man to raise a man.
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Old 05-11-2012, 08:48 PM
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i would never do this on purpose imo its selfish and self centered, and not thinking about that child or the shit it has to go thru bc of a choice you made for him. are you independantly weathly ?have a trust fund ? bc kids cost money and most people myself included struggle every day meeting our kids needs which daddy cant help .
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:25 PM
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...when I tell you it wasn't by choice. I was pregnant when he was arrested. It's the hardest thing to have to go through alone. My son will be 12 this year and yes his father is still incarcerated and has NEVER seen his father in the outside world. Until that day comes I'm mommy and daddy, which is unfortunate because I'm one of those woman that believes it takes a man to raise a man.[/quote]

Oh Nakisha! You are SO wise! Absolutely spot on! It DOES take a man to raise a little boy into manhood! Your picture looks too young to be so smart!

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