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  #1  
Old 04-30-2012, 06:41 PM
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Default First response and already a red flag?

So I finally bit the bullet and got another penpal after a year. I finally got my first response. here is my dilema. In my initial letter i asked if he had a girlfriend or wife. My reason for asking was strictly because i dont want there to be any uncomfortable situations with a jealous wife or girlfriend. I tend to stay away from drama lol.

So I get his letter and he states there is no girlfriend and no wife. He does have pals but its strictly platonic. Im way cool with that since im not writing looking to "hook up". He had mentioned some things he has accomplished while he has been in the system and invited me to google it. During my search I came across a picture of him while he is incarcerated. Low and behold I see a ring on his left hand, ring finger!

Did he lie in his first letter? Too soon to tell. So I sent a letter back and since we are in the get to know you stage of asking questions one of mine was have you EVER been married. For now Im not going to say anything to him about that picture. I want to see what he says about ever being married first.

Should he come back answering no then I will have to cut him loose because he is obviously lying since I know the state he resides in only allows wedding bands as far as rings go. Even though my intentions of writing is strictly for friendship I dont want to fall into a category of the wife finding out he is writing another female and she had no clue kind of deal. Am i handling this the right way? Anyone with suggestions or advice?
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  #2  
Old 04-30-2012, 06:45 PM
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That would make me pause too. Glad you saw it. It may be that he is separated or divorced and just wears it as a "status symbol." Many of the men inside do because it is one thing they have control over. I am glad you didn't just jump to conclusions though and gave him a chance to respond.
Keep us updated and best wishes !!
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:58 PM
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I think you are handling it the right way. I wonder what he will say. Yes, maybe it was an older picture and now he is divorced or he was engaged but it broke off or something like that. You never know.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:05 PM
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Okay I can understand you asking him if he had a gf/wife..you guyz are just starting to talk so thats cool..

But I don't get why you asked him if he was ever married to see what he'd say and that you weren't going to mention the pic u saw? You did say that he invited you to google him..

Why didn't you just come right out and say in the letter that you saw a pic of him and noticed there was a ring on his finger?. .. I don't know why you wouldn't think a response (or maybe no more letters from him) from that wouldn't have been okay??

i think i'm missin sumthing....
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:15 PM
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I agree that he may be separated or possibly divorced. Thats why I havent jumped the gun and tossed out my findings to him. Im giving him the chance first. I have already had one dishonest pal so I really keep my eyes wide open when it comes to another one and I dont want to condemn him for someone elses actions.

Even though there has only been one letter between us the one letter was very promising as in we both had a lot in common so Im just going to proceed with caution for now and hopefully he comes back with a honest answer. Will let you know. Thanks for your response.
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by moonbaby1111 View Post
Okay I can understand you asking him if he had a gf/wife..you guyz are just starting to talk so thats cool..

But I don't get why you asked him if he was ever married to see what he'd say and that you weren't going to mention the pic u saw? You did say that he invited you to google him..

Why didn't you just come right out and say in the letter that you saw a pic of him and noticed there was a ring on his finger?. .. I don't know why you wouldn't think a response (or maybe no more letters from him) from that wouldn't have been okay??

i think i'm missin sumthing....
Through past experiences not all inmates will answer with the truth therefore making them CONVICTS instead of inmates lol. With New Pals your getting to know the person your writing and that can be just a random question thrown in with out appearing to be fishing for information.

Should he respond with he has never been married then i will let him know I came across the picture. When I saw the picture i didnt notice the ring the first few times I looked at it. The one time I noticed it I wasnt sure so i zoomed in on it to confirm. Hope this clears up the confusion. Thank you for your response
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:25 PM
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I think you are handling it the right way. I wonder what he will say. Yes, maybe it was an older picture and now he is divorced or he was engaged but it broke off or something like that. You never know.
Im pretty sure its a older pictureand he wasnt a youngster when he was convicted so its very possible he went in married and they divorced afterwards. We shall see. I did notice in his pen pal add picture it had the other person cut out of it lol
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:22 AM
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I did notice in his pen pal add picture it had the other person cut out of it lol
However that does not mean that he wanted to hide that person, but is very likely just a matter of respect for the other person's privacy. Not everyone likes their pictures posted freely around the web, so I wouldn't think anything about that.
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Old 05-01-2012, 09:57 AM
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I think you handle it very well. Generally speaking (not about your penpal) unfortunately not every person is honest and there is a probability that he/she could be lying about their status. A ring on the ringfinger on a picture doesnīt necessarily prove that someone is married AT THE MOMENT, but itīs a fact that someone who doesnīt want to get involved in drama canīt ignore and I also think that the best way to find out about this situation is how you intend to do it and NOT to address is directly. I also wanted to tell you that I think itīs great that although your intentions are only of platonic nature (although I think it often turns into more as we can read over and over in the mwi forum) that you care for a potential wife/gf, I donīt think every woman would.
Sorry for any spelling and grammar mistakes, english is not my native language.
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Old 05-03-2012, 08:15 PM
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UPDATE: Got another letter from my pal today and he answered my question about being married before he even got my letter asking if he had lol. he didnt give details or anything. He was just telling me about his years growing up and mentioned his first wife.

First wife? He has more? haha. Im assuming they are divorced now since he told me he wasnt married and he admitted on his own accord that he had a wife. So on a good note he has so far been honest with me. I just hate having that doubt just because someone else {previous pal) was so dishonest. Doesnt feel like I am giving the others a fair deal because my guard is now continuously up.
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Old 05-03-2012, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HardHeadedWoman View Post
UPDATE: Got another letter from my pal today and he answered my question about being married before he even got my letter asking if he had lol. he didnt give details or anything. He was just telling me about his years growing up and mentioned his first wife.

First wife? He has more? haha. Im assuming they are divorced now since he told me he wasnt married and he admitted on his own accord that he had a wife. So on a good note he has so far been honest with me. I just hate having that doubt just because someone else {previous pal) was so dishonest. Doesnt feel like I am giving the others a fair deal because my guard is now continuously up.
It might take a while but maybe you just need an honest pal to break you of it. When you get to know him more and dont notice red flags, you'll start to trust him as long as you know he's being honest. I'm glad he answered your question and without even being asked yet! lol
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Old 05-03-2012, 09:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HardHeadedWoman View Post
So I finally bit the bullet and got another penpal after a year. I finally got my first response. here is my dilema. In my initial letter i asked if he had a girlfriend or wife. My reason for asking was strictly because i dont want there to be any uncomfortable situations with a jealous wife or girlfriend. I tend to stay away from drama lol.

So I get his letter and he states there is no girlfriend and no wife. He does have pals but its strictly platonic. Im way cool with that since im not writing looking to "hook up". He had mentioned some things he has accomplished while he has been in the system and invited me to google it. During my search I came across a picture of him while he is incarcerated. Low and behold I see a ring on his left hand, ring finger!

Did he lie in his first letter? Too soon to tell. So I sent a letter back and since we are in the get to know you stage of asking questions one of mine was have you EVER been married. For now Im not going to say anything to him about that picture. I want to see what he says about ever being married first.

Should he come back answering no then I will have to cut him loose because he is obviously lying since I know the state he resides in only allows wedding bands as far as rings go. Even though my intentions of writing is strictly for friendship I dont want to fall into a category of the wife finding out he is writing another female and she had no clue kind of deal. Am i handling this the right way? Anyone with suggestions or advice?
Could be a red flag. See how he responds about the married thing, then you can decide how you want to handle the picture you found. Maybe it was a ring from an ex or something and they really weren't married, but wore them as tokens?

I say you are right on track. If he comes back with some fishy story, how can you trust anything he will say. I say kick his ass to the curb if so. I applaud you for not wanting to piss off any wives or girlfriends, as some women do not care about that.

Good luck, I hope he does turn out to be a good friend.

Peace~
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Old 05-03-2012, 09:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HardHeadedWoman View Post
UPDATE: Got another letter from my pal today and he answered my question about being married before he even got my letter asking if he had lol. he didnt give details or anything. He was just telling me about his years growing up and mentioned his first wife.

First wife? He has more? haha. Im assuming they are divorced now since he told me he wasnt married and he admitted on his own accord that he had a wife. So on a good note he has so far been honest with me. I just hate having that doubt just because someone else {previous pal) was so dishonest. Doesnt feel like I am giving the others a fair deal because my guard is now continuously up.
to me there really isn't to much else he COULD do with the ring in there,besides wear it. if he took it off he risks it being stolen. most if not all inmates distrust the system so he could be worried it would "disappear" from his property if he had it put there.
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