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Military Prisons General Prison Talk Topics & Discussions relating to Prison & the Criminal Justice System in Military Prisons that do not fit into any other Military subforum.

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  #1  
Old 07-31-2007, 04:26 AM
Forever1037 Forever1037 is offline
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Default Anyone else having problems telling family?

Okay this is going to sound bad and it sounds horrible form my perspective.... so jsut bare with me... I may be somewhat of a coward but this is all new to me..


My husband of 17months is serving a 4 year sentance at Mirimar Brig for well looking at porn on the computer at his home. Yep you heard me correctly at his home. He was court martial at Pearl Harbor on May 31st, 2006. We had been married 3 months and 5 days.


The only people that know our situation are my mother and sister, my roommate, his parents and 2 siblings.

Before this happened I was very close with my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, and our extended family. But now I do not know how to talk to them. They all ask where he is, what he is doing, how he is. I can only say so many time that he is doing well, enjoying friends company, and I know he is safe everynight. Which none of that is a lie. They know he is in San Diego. They keep asking me if he will be home for Christmas or Thanksgiving or anytime.

I did not want to tell them to begin with becasue i did not wnat the pity. I wanted time to deal with it on my own terms before anyone knew.

He was courtmartialed 4 days before my little sister high school graduation. We had family in town from all over the world. I did not want to spoil her happiness or the family reunion. I stayed away as much as possible and was jsut around when i couldnt avoid it.

Well here we are 14 months later. I told my mother 2 days after my sisters graduation because i needed someone to talk too. I told my sister a couple weeks later. And I had to tell his family because he was afraid too. That took me two months to work up the courage.

As of right now my family all thinks he is stationed in San Diego. I don't want to tell them, but i miss them. I don't want to tell them i have been lying to them for the past 14 months.

How in the world am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to tell people without them pitying us? or being mad at us? or completely cutting us outta their lives? Thats what I'm afraid of most. I have been living without them for the most part since they don;t know whats going on. What can i do now?
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  #2  
Old 07-31-2007, 08:16 AM
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Forever,
All situations are different but I do think you need your family now more than ever. We have learned a lot about our family through this but reguardless, they will always be our family.

I didn't give the news right away as I couldn't provied the answers to the questions I knew they were going to ask. After about 2 months I felt it was time and I informed anyone who inquired. It was hard at first as I told them the whole story. I soon found out that those that care seek more information those that don't are happy with the facts. As time went on I tried to look at it as a lesson in life and wanted to share our experience. I didn't want any one to end up in this situation and feel ashamed or alone. I felt that those that listned would be more understanding and not judge these men and women based on there convictions. Wow, what an enlightening experience! I found severl folks that I spoke with on a regular basis that seemed to feel relieved when I told them of our son, it was like it opened the door for them to tell there story that they were ashamed of telling before. Please don't get me wrong as I'm not proud of what my son did but we have to make the best of it and this is it for me.

When things get rough and no one understands you always have all of the wonderful folks on this site, I don't know what I would have done without them.

Best to you,
Lisa
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  #3  
Old 08-05-2007, 07:30 PM
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i think it will be harder and easier for you once you let everyone know.

it will be a weight off of you shoulders and you will have those in your family who understand and will step up to support you and him. But you will probably also have those who will not understand and you might lose touch with them. I have lost friends and gained friends. I move on, b/c if there are those that cant be there for us in our time of need, then they dont fit the bill for friend/family in the first place.

oh and it doesnt sound bad or horrible. everyone makes mistakes and some of those mistakes are on the part of the military court system. if your husband was the only person looking at porn in this country, it wouldnt be a billion dollar industry.

i dont think that when you open up to your family, you should consider it lying to them. you had to deal with the situation on your own and in your own time and that did not including adding the stress of telling your family until now.

good luck to you both
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Old 08-06-2007, 09:00 PM
DeNada DeNada is offline
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Forever,
First, welcome to PTO and, especially, the Military Justice Forum. We are here for just what you posted - help in dealing with all the awkward and painful experiences we have to go through as we deal with our loved ones' incarceration. No, we aren't proud of what they've done, but I learned something on PTO that has helped me immensely: Hate the crime, love the criminal. I know that is probably over-simplification, but it is a phrase that has sustained me many times in situations very similar to yours. Disco and Mom both made the excellent point that once you do open up to family and friends, you really learn how deep the relationship goes. Some will just accept it and continue on; others will be shocked and need time to digest the information; and still others will remain within their closed minds and hearts and you will have little or no contact with them. Personally, I would not consider the last group a loss. In the scheme of things (the grand scale), what your husband did is so minor that I would think people would just roll their eyes and say to themselves, "There, but for the grace of God, go I!" The military justice system is extremely harsh, both in its choice to prosecute and its sentencing is abritrary and capricious. I am so sorry that you and your husband are having to endure such an ordeal with your families. Now is the time you both need the unequivocal love and support of both your families. Even if they disapprove of what he did, there is no real reason to turn their backs on the both of you. Maybe you can begin by talking with the family members you are closest to or those you feel would be the most understanding about the whole situation. Perhaps they can provide some insight into how to approach others, even those outside the family. I certainly understand your reluctance but this is a tough road to go alone. Take all the advice you receive here and find something that works for you. We each have been where you are and each have some kernel of truth or experience that may help you. My best to you and your husband. Keep posting and keep the faith!
~ Lisa.
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  #5  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:56 PM
Forever1037 Forever1037 is offline
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Well I must say I have learned who in my family loves uncondtional and who judges ...

I sure don't ever want to go through this last couple weeks ever again...
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:27 PM
DeNada DeNada is offline
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Forever,
I'm sorry to hear you've had a rough go of it with your family. I know it is difficult, but don't judge them too harshly by their initial reactions. Give them time to adjust to the situation and come to grips with everything. You had a hard time with it at first, didn't you? We all did! Yes, there may be some who never "adjust," but don't let that get you down. Keep being strong for your husband, and for yourself. Hang in there!

~Lisa.
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Old 08-29-2007, 12:10 AM
Forever1037 Forever1037 is offline
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Thank you all for your advice... I actually had a cousin tell me that he couldnt believe I could be so calm when talking to family about it... And a couple family members are going to be coming out to see me... because they want to hug me... ha I love all of them so much... It is nice to be able to finally not have to screen my calls... or worry about saying the wrong thing
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  #8  
Old 08-31-2007, 08:05 AM
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AHHHHHH Family
Enjoy your hugs.
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Old 09-20-2007, 02:47 AM
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i cant believe the military can give you time for looking up porn on your home computer..i was just browsing through here to see what the military part of this site was like and thats crazy. i have a 19 year old cousin who is thinking of enlisting and im going to tell him he better think twice because from what i can tell i think thats all he uses the internet for.
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Old 02-17-2008, 12:02 AM
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Default UCMJ - Not about Justice

Well, I am surprised but not stunned.

When I was at the DB (82 - 93) there was an Air Force Captain (Psychiatrist) that was incarcerated for receiving oral sex from his wife (consensual) in their own bedroom. It seems that their next door neighbor (another Air Force Captain) did not particularly like the other officer and reported him for the act of sodomy (yes, although the Commander in Chief - i.e. President - can receive this at work, military folks cannot, even if at home with their female wife).
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  #11  
Old 02-17-2008, 05:58 AM
DeNada DeNada is offline
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My question would be how did the next-door neighbor know about the act?? Or maybe that's one I don't want to know the answer to??
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Old 03-01-2008, 06:09 PM
MrsTaz MrsTaz is offline
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Unhappy Yes

My husband was sentenced to 2 years. I told my kids that dad was away at school because I did'nt want them to know the painful truth. Unfortunately, my husbands picture was all over the tv and newspapers so my 14 year old learned the truth. My mother-in-law still does'nt know and I have no intentions to tell her.
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Old 03-01-2008, 06:13 PM
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I totally agree. Someone needs to rewrite the UCMJ, thats just rediculous
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:43 PM
ndrusci ndrusci is offline
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My husband was charged and taken from me and placed in petrial confinement for 6 months... During that 6 months I toiled at who to tell. I have lost so many family members, but they were never close to me any way. I am glad I told. I will stand for my husband and all that has gone on cause changes have been made. I don't have to bend over backwards to please them any loner. I am free!!!!
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ndrusci
My husband was charged and taken from me and placed in petrial confinement for 6 months... During that 6 months I toiled at who to tell. I have lost so many family members, but they were never close to me any way. I am glad I told. I will stand for my husband and all that has gone on cause changes have been made. I don't have to bend over backwards to please them any loner. I am free!!!!
I know the feeling. All my family knew everyone stood by me as much as possible. Think military confinement is worse than civilian
Waiting for it to be over.
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