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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

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  #1  
Old 04-24-2012, 11:24 PM
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Default Help! Im so confused!/How do I reassure him?

Although nothing is official between him and I, we talk on the phone every single day and write at least once a week.

He's currently awaiting to hear if he will be labelled a dangerous offender, which would obviously put him in indefinitely.

I just spoke with him tonight and things are established that we clearly love each other a lot, but, he's now telling me that he almost didn't call tonight or ever again because he thinks he will get his heart broken. What do I do? I tried to reassure him that I know what I'm getting into and I'm okay with that, that im not going anywhere.

How do I reassure him that? I know with 200% certainty that I am not going anywhere but what do I do to show him that?
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:30 PM
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you will just need to keep re assuring him in any way you can, writing, postcards, and so on and he will get it one day
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:46 AM
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Send him mail and lots of it. Keep saying what you just said on here. Actions speak louder than words!
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:49 PM
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All you can do is show it to him. Keep in contact...phone, mail, visits...whatever is available to you. I strongly believe that actions speak louder than words in our situation so I think in time, he'll fully realize that you are there for him.
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:13 PM
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As time goes on he'll "see" but like anything else it will take time. Just like the other ladies say all the comminication you can. If you can do all 3 thats wonderful-if you can only do one thats okay too-whatever you can. I think consistency is a big thing too. I know if my baby "thinks" I'm slowing down on the letters tho it really is cuz of the mail system there-he'll say right away kiddingly -I see ur slowin down..lol He'll come to "know" you in the way you express yourself, how you use ur words, the way ur voice sounds on the phone and with that knowing the reassuring feeling will come to. Stock up now on lots and lots of writing supplies n stamps....lol kimmy
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:48 PM
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Thanks so much! I live in Canada so it's a little different, but since we only knew each other a couple of months before he went in, things are a little complicated to say the least. We started with just writing and then it went to phone calls every Sunday to now everyday.

He was sentenced to 18 years, but now with the dangerous offender it's indefinite... It's never bothered me before and his case has been incredibly high profile here. I'm not bragging it around and I never would... Maybe that's what he worries about? I don't know.

We have talked about visiting and his response is always "im not crazy about visitors, but we clearly are at that point so maybe i will put you on my list."

It went from I really like you to I love you, to now, maybe I need to run away because I'm going to get hurt. I'm trying everything to show him nothing will change... Even if the do goes through, there will never be another him. Ever.

He clearly isn't believing me. Now he's talking about walking away... What else can I do? I'm new at this, so any advice is appreciated!
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessimicaaa View Post
Thanks so much! I live in Canada so it's a little different, but since we only knew each other a couple of months before he went in, things are a little complicated to say the least. We started with just writing and then it went to phone calls every Sunday to now everyday.

He was sentenced to 18 years, but now with the dangerous offender it's indefinite... It's never bothered me before and his case has been incredibly high profile here. I'm not bragging it around and I never would... Maybe that's what he worries about? I don't know.

We have talked about visiting and his response is always "im not crazy about visitors, but we clearly are at that point so maybe i will put you on my list."

It went from I really like you to I love you, to now, maybe I need to run away because I'm going to get hurt. I'm trying everything to show him nothing will change... Even if the do goes through, there will never be another him. Ever.

He clearly isn't believing me. Now he's talking about walking away... What else can I do? I'm new at this, so any advice is appreciated!
Now, I'm serious when I say this. lol. Seriously though. You need to print this out and explain that you are jessimicaaa (the one that started this thread) send it too him and show him that this is how much you care and love him. Enough to get online with a bunch of strangers to ask advice about how you can keep you two together. Also, you could smother him with mail whenever possible. Doodle little drawings when your bored of your love for him and send it too him. If you have dreams about him, tell him about those. If you haven't had any yet, don't worry they will come. lol. If you guys are talking about having a future together you could talk over that subject every now and again. Hope this helps.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessimicaaa View Post
Although nothing is official between him and I, we talk on the phone every single day and write at least once a week.

He's currently awaiting to hear if he will be labelled a dangerous offender, which would obviously put him in indefinitely.

I just spoke with him tonight and things are established that we clearly love each other a lot, but, he's now telling me that he almost didn't call tonight or ever again because he thinks he will get his heart broken. What do I do? I tried to reassure him that I know what I'm getting into and I'm okay with that, that im not going anywhere.

How do I reassure him that? I know with 200% certainty that I am not going anywhere but what do I do to show him that?
You say that "nothing is official" but you both love each other, so your just starting out as a couple? How long have you known one another? Trust is something that is gained over time and if you have not been together long, it will take time.

The two most important components of a healthy relationship are trust and communication. Communicate with him how you feel and allow him to communicate how he feels. Just saying I love you, is not enough to committ to someone 200%, in my opinion. Are you in love with him? Has he professed that he is in love with you? Hoe long has he been down? How long is his sentence?

The only thing you can do is keep writing and if he can have visitors, ask if you can fill out a visitors application. If you both feel strongly for one another, profess that and continue building the relationship.

Once he sees with letters that you are sincere about keeping in touch, he will most likely take you seriously. And, if you get the chance to visit, that is also a way to show you care.

I suggest you take things one day at a time and not rush into anything. You never know what could happen between now and the time he gets out.

Good luck

Peace~
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Old 04-27-2012, 08:56 AM
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It's unofficial because he doesn't seem to believe it can be while he's away. I keep telling him all the things I've said on here but he just either doesn't believe me or doesn't want to I suppose?

He talks about his future with me when he gets out and that's awesome, but follows that by saying if this doesn't work the "consequences" to him will be brutal. That everything always gets taken away from him and he can't lose anything else or it will destroy him.

I get what he's saying, but sometimes it's like he's purposely pushing me away?
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Old 04-27-2012, 03:19 PM
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You can't do anything to reassure him.........but to keep doing what you are doing and to let time work for you. It is difficult in their situation I think....even more with a long sentence and all the crappy talk from other inmates, to dare to seriously get emotionally involved, to risk more stress, drama and worries on top of the daily struggle. Give him time and show him that you are serious.
It took me a good while to make my man able to get rid of his fears........in his 11th year now, we re together for three almost.........he had a girlfriend that just..without any word or explanation stopped writing, accepting his calls, visiting........by now I am sure he never wastes a thought on that, he knows that I am not going anywhere....and all it took was time and a bit patience.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:26 PM
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I would ask him if he wants it to end because It does seem as if he is making excuses for it to end. Maybe hes just scared though. You're doing everything you can to reassure him that your not going to leave so You'll basically just have to prove it to him by sticking around as long as he'll let you. What's he got to loose to give it everything he's got? He needs to follow his heart.

Last edited by my_friend00; 04-28-2012 at 05:28 PM..
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:32 PM
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Ah! I think I made a mistake!!!!!!

He called me this afternoon, and, a big part of this relationship is trust and communication... So while we were talking this afternoon I told him how a contractor working for my mom told him he was a lucky guy.... He went silent and got all moody and I know (I'm apparently stuuuuuuuupid!) he was upset!

He called tonight and was super pissed off about it. Said it wasn't that he didn't trust me, he didn't like this guy and that he doesnt trust him. I told him a HUGE part of loving someone is trust and he said he does trust me? AH I just don't get it?????? He went on this tirade about this guy... He's just a contractor for my MOM and he's this mad....

Yet he can be on the phone with me and tell me that other girls write him and his buddies girlfriends friends are on the phone saying he's attractive and they want him and it's not supposed to bother me???

He says he loves me, I love him, I'm not going anywhere etc etc... What the hell is he doing then? Trying to make me jealous to test me?
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessimicaaa View Post
Ah! I think I made a mistake!!!!!!

He called me this afternoon, and, a big part of this relationship is trust and communication... So while we were talking this afternoon I told him how a contractor working for my mom told him he was a lucky guy.... He went silent and got all moody and I know (I'm apparently stuuuuuuuupid!) he was upset!

He called tonight and was super pissed off about it. Said it wasn't that he didn't trust me, he didn't like this guy and that he doesnt trust him. I told him a HUGE part of loving someone is trust and he said he does trust me? AH I just don't get it?????? He went on this tirade about this guy... He's just a contractor for my MOM and he's this mad....

Yet he can be on the phone with me and tell me that other girls write him and his buddies girlfriends friends are on the phone saying he's attractive and they want him and it's not supposed to bother me???

He says he loves me, I love him, I'm not going anywhere etc etc... What the hell is he doing then? Trying to make me jealous to test me?
Well, I seriously doubt that his buddies girls are telling him how attractive he is on the phone cause that could make major problems for him and his buddies. Plus I don't see how he would be talking to those girls on the phone anyway, it's not really like their buddies would share part of their 15 minute phone call with him just so their girlfriends could say how cute he was. And how would they know?? I think he is just trying to make you jealous in my opinion. He's prolly mad about the contractor cause maybe it makes him feel like if this guy is willing to tell you how good your guy has it, maybe he'll try to get with you or do something dirty. You could tell him sweetly that just because somebody compliments you, that doesn't mean that you would be with them. I don't doubt that other girls could be writing him but does he have a penpal site? Cause if he doesn't and he doesn't know these girls, then how would they know what he looks like? And I highly doubt the buddies girlfriends story. Just testing to see what your reaction is and maybe get you alittle jealous. I think anyway.

Last edited by my_friend00; 05-02-2012 at 07:09 AM..
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by jessimicaaa View Post
It's unofficial because he doesn't seem to believe it can be while he's away. I keep telling him all the things I've said on here but he just either doesn't believe me or doesn't want to I suppose?

He talks about his future with me when he gets out and that's awesome, but follows that by saying if this doesn't work the "consequences" to him will be brutal. That everything always gets taken away from him and he can't lose anything else or it will destroy him.

I get what he's saying, but sometimes it's like he's purposely pushing me away?
I believe he is thinking rationally, because there are women that do not wait and cheat. I respect him for not wanting to hook up right now, he has things he needs to take care of. He probably does not want to worry about a woman while he is down. It is possible he is pushing you away, he does not want the stress of a relationship and, he probably has guys in there telling him the horror stories they love to tell.

I suggest you give him the respect of not being committed to you at this time. Keep things at the friend level and let him know that you love him and respect his wishes to wait until he is out.

Focus on your personal goals and if this relationship is meant to be, you will be together. Love him for being honest with you and let him know you do not expect anything, accept maybe friendship at this point. Lighten the pressure on him of feeling as though he has to committ.

I hope it all works out for you.

Peace~
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:56 AM
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It's a buddy in there who he had draw a picture for me, so he tells me this followed by that when the guy was on the phone, his girlfriends friends were saying how attractive he was and how when he gets out they want to get with him.

They know what he looks like because his case was everywhere here and still is, his picture is everywhere. He's not on any pen pal sites, but girls write him at the jail all the time.

I know it's harmless, but, if he's telling me that I'm his girl and he can't wait to get out and be with me and that he's "absolutely and completely" in love with me and always will be... Why test me like that?

Anyway, I tried to explain myself and that it won't happen again if he doesn't like it because I'm not out to hurt him. His response was "I don't want to be that guy. I just don't like this guy and I think he's being an asshole." guess I will have to wait until tonight to hear!

I'm sorry, I'm new at this and don't have one friend or family member that has gone through this so they are absolutely no help. So I apologize for my ramblings!
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:02 PM
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Well, I say that he really is in love with you. I say he does care alot and is probably afraid that you may leave him. He may have taken the contractors comment as a try and flirt with you thing even though the guy knows you are taken. And it is possible that it is all true about the other girls but as long as he does not act on it, there is no harm done. If he says you are the one he wants to be with when he gets out, then I'm sure that's the truth. Sounds like he's crazy about you. Just cause other ladies call him handsome doesn't mean he would choose them. Tell him how handsome you think he is and that you've never seen a more handsome man before. Stroke his ego alittle to help reassure him. Besides he's only mad at the contractor. I can kinda see where he's coming from. It's like if another woman was flirting with our men, we may not be too happy about it. lol. Good Luck Girl.

Last edited by my_friend00; 05-02-2012 at 02:04 PM..
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