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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 03-03-2012, 10:40 PM
Roxy33 Roxy33 is offline
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Question Ex suddently in jail, caught off guard

Hello everyone I am new to this site and I would really appreciate some advice and honest opinions. I was dating a guy for a few months but towards the last month of our relationship things were going downhill because he suddenly was always "busy". I always told him if he didn't care anymore to just let me know and I'd move on without a problem. He said he cared about me but in the end never changed his ways so I gave up and didn't reach out to him and I also never received anything from him either so I assumed we had both moved on and I was fine with that. I even started talking to someone from my past that I really care about. Here is where it gets tricky. I found out recently that he actually went to jail a few days after we last talked and he had finally gotten my number back and contacted me. This caught me so off guard as I had started to move on. I found out that he is in jail because of a "domestic violence" case that happened with some girl. I said to myself that people wouldn't fight like that unless there was a strong emotional connection and you're sleeping together. It made it clear to me that he was cheating on me while we were still technically together.

He calls me and acts like I'm the only one he cares about and it wasn't what I think. I have so many emotions about it but when we talk I can't express it to him...I need help on how I can go about this because feelings start to come back when we speak but I cant pretend like I'm fine with the whole situation. I want to be there for him but I don't want him to get the idea that things are going to be like they used to be.
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Old 03-03-2012, 11:59 PM
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Maybe you can put all you thoughts and emotions on paper and write it to him. Now you are guessing why he was too busy at the end of your relationship but you can do all the guessing in the world but why not just ask him straight out and have him answer that. In a letter it is usually easier to put down your thoughts and think about how you want to adres something or say something. Depending on his reaction/answers back to you, you can think and decide how (and if) you want to move forward with him or not.
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Old 03-04-2012, 12:06 AM
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Thank you so much for responding! The problem with him is that towards the end, he would make excuses like he was working and stuff like that but I told him he was working in the beginning too and he was actually putting effort. We never ended things officially but it sure felt like it..I think I'm going to write his a letter and get it all out because usually when we talk he tries to turn it around on me :/
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Old 03-04-2012, 12:45 AM
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Exactly! When talking on the phone he will reply and you will reply back on that and so on and at the end you will realise you were not able to say what you had wanted to say especially with the pressure of only so many minutes per call.

When it comes to his reason why he was so busy you may keep in mind that you might not hear the truth or the real reason. It will either be a deal breaker or not but it is up to you whether you will leave that behind you even if you do not get to hear the real reason, or not. You can however state in your letter what your thought is on that and continue by saying that if he looked at it from your side that he would probably understand and agree with your train of thoughts.
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Old 03-04-2012, 01:12 AM
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I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from..I know his excuses are BS I just wan't him to acknowledge his faults and not blame me for whatever happened. Do you have any suggestions on how I should start a letter, I have never sent one I feel kind of awkward about it? Thanks again!
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:09 AM
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He may be never able to take responsibility for what went wrong.
Personally if that the main reason you thinking of keeping in contact, I'd let it go.
thinking about it, he's got himself into trouble for a domestic abuse charge.
He'd had a girlfriend (you) whom he drifted from, and was too *busy*
He got the domestic with someone else (I agree....some type of connection there as you suspect--two timing you both?)


**Do you have any suggestions on how I should start a letter**


Dear Dumbass......(ok not really)
or maybe Dear John......

I would spell it out. Tell him your done with him as a bf, but wouldnt mind keeping in limited contact with him, on a friendship basis. Be honest with him (but protect yourself)
Dont allow him to spew bs about you. (the turning it around on you type thing you spoke of)
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:30 AM
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Hon, what do you really want? You want him to acknowledge that he was wrong, that you were the great person in his life and he fouled up? Don't bother......

Domestic violence is a really good reason for you to eliminate him from your life and to thank your lucky stars that you were never his victim in a physical sense.
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Roxy33 View Post
Hello everyone I am new to this site and I would really appreciate some advice and honest opinions. I was dating a guy for a few months but towards the last month of our relationship things were going downhill because he suddenly was always "busy". I always told him if he didn't care anymore to just let me know and I'd move on without a problem. He said he cared about me but in the end never changed his ways so I gave up and didn't reach out to him and I also never received anything from him either so I assumed we had both moved on and I was fine with that. I even started talking to someone from my past that I really care about. Here is where it gets tricky. I found out recently that he actually went to jail a few days after we last talked and he had finally gotten my number back and contacted me. This caught me so off guard as I had started to move on. I found out that he is in jail because of a "domestic violence" case that happened with some girl. I said to myself that people wouldn't fight like that unless there was a strong emotional connection and you're sleeping together. It made it clear to me that he was cheating on me while we were still technically together.

He calls me and acts like I'm the only one he cares about and it wasn't what I think. I have so many emotions about it but when we talk I can't express it to him...I need help on how I can go about this because feelings start to come back when we speak but I cant pretend like I'm fine with the whole situation. I want to be there for him but I don't want him to get the idea that things are going to be like they used to be.
Write him a letter stating how you feel and that you will be a friend, but have boundaries as well. Stick to those boundaries and if he starts to act inappropriate, then stop contact with him.

Actually, it may be a good idea that you write a closure letter and continue to move on with your life.

I hope you figure it all out.

Peace~
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Old 03-04-2012, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
He may be never able to take responsibility for what went wrong.
Personally if that the main reason you thinking of keeping in contact, I'd let it go.
thinking about it, he's got himself into trouble for a domestic abuse charge.
He'd had a girlfriend (you) whom he drifted from, and was too *busy*
He got the domestic with someone else (I agree....some type of connection there as you suspect--two timing you both?)


**Do you have any suggestions on how I should start a letter**


Dear Dumbass......(ok not really)
or maybe Dear John......

I would spell it out. Tell him your done with him as a bf, but wouldnt mind keeping in limited contact with him, on a friendship basis. Be honest with him (but protect yourself)
Dont allow him to spew bs about you. (the turning it around on you type thing you spoke of)

LOL@dumbass...
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Old 03-04-2012, 09:41 AM
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If you're looking for the closure that you think you'd get from his admitting where he was in the wrong, forget it.
You already know what happened between you and even if he said all the right things, you'd still have to wonder if he was just telling you what you wanted to hear... and there's a good chance that would be the case.

You do not owe him anything and the relationship you describe is not one worth trying to revive.... he was not a good boyfriend and not a good friend.
The fact that he's now facing DV charges is all the more reason to turn the page on this and move on.
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Old 03-04-2012, 09:52 AM
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If you're looking for the closure that you think you'd get from his admitting where he was in the wrong, forget it.
You already know what happened between you and even if he said all the right things, you'd still have to wonder if he was just telling you what you wanted to hear... and there's a good chance that would be the case.

You do not owe him anything and the relationship you describe is not one worth trying to revive.... he was not a good boyfriend and not a good friend.
The fact that he's now facing DV charges is all the more reason to turn the page on this and move on.
I agree 1000% with LeBeau. If he was violent with another female, he would be violent with you to "keep you in your place". Not good! If it were me, I'd have his number blocked and any letter should be unopened, REFUSED written on the envelope and returned to the mailman to be sent back to him. Sugar, please don't go there! Getting involved again is not good! Abusers never accept blame or responsibility for ANYTHING! You are in my thoughts.

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Old 03-04-2012, 09:54 AM
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This is the time were you are suppose to be too busy. Your not suppose to be his cushion to make his fall a little more softer. First time shame on him, the second time it will be shame on you. You don't need someone that only can get in contact with you when they are in trouble. Just like he can contact you now, he could have contacted you way back then. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got game. I would keep it moving and yes domestic violence is done with a person you have a emotional connection with. If he just went and hit someone he didn't have a connection with like his girlfriend or a woman he lives with then it would be called assault not domestic violence. You can best believe 9 times out of 10 the victim still have feelings for him and will find some way to contact him so it will get worse before it ever gets better. Good luck.
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Old 03-04-2012, 10:09 AM
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I don't think I'd be worried about him cheating, or being too busy, or any of that. I'd be worried about the domestic violence with the other female!!!!

My ex was an abuser, and I knew he had abused his ex when we got together. Delusional, I thought he would never do that to me. WRONG!!! Trust me, you don't want to get sucked into this situation.

Not to mention, if he was "too busy" for you when he was home, why would he bother reaching out now?

My abusive ex is now locked up again, I wouldn't DREAM of contacting him. My opinion? You can't count on crazy people to have normal reactions and normal emotions. There is no point in trying to reason with abusive people, or get them to admit their wrongs in a heartfelt way, because their thought process isn't rational or logical, and they probably don't really have a range of human emotions. Again, just my opinion.
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Old 03-04-2012, 11:49 AM
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Thank you everyone for your honest opinions and suggestions. I know I have to cut ties and move on from him as he is doing nothing positive for me. I plan on writing him a letter expressing my thoughts and I plan on continuing without having a relationship with him. It's so crazy how we say that we would never deal with certain situations with significant others and when things happen we find ourselves making excuses for them because we are blinded of the truth. I refuse to make the mistake of not seeing what's really going on..thanks again everyone
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Old 03-05-2012, 02:32 PM
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He wasn't treating you right on the outside, why in the name of everything sacred would you want him now that he is locked up for domestic violence with another woman?

Don't you think you deserve a man in your life that loves only you? And will be your protector, not a predator?
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Old 03-05-2012, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by chickiedew View Post
He wasn't treating you right on the outside, why in the name of everything sacred would you want him now that he is locked up for domestic violence with another woman?

Don't you think you deserve a man in your life that loves only you? And will be your protector, not a predator?
My thoughts EXACTLY!!!!
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