Ginger from Tor, Ont, Canada

Ginger R · #1 01-02-2010, 10:08 AM

Why am i on here?
to meet people like me, and to find help for us
to find help for him, so he can come home and make me smile again

My fella and i met 3years ago while he was on federal parole. For two months we developed our friendship, and the day after we became intimate he violated his parole and was sent back.

For about 18months we wrote, and began the journey of discovery...we fell in love. At first i didn't visit, but for the last year i visited once a week.

My fella has been in and out since he was 14years old...mostly property crimes...he's 28 now. His worst fear was that his father would die while he was in jail...and that he would have to go to the funeral in chains. That fear became a reality Jan 16/09.
My fella was released on parole April 1/09 and on Jan 12/10 would have been free. Truly free for the first time since he was 14...no supervision, no new charges. He re offended just before Christmas.

Why am i here?
We need help.
My fella is caught in a cycle that he can not break alone. I know he truly wants to be done with this life of crime, but he can't do it alone. He had started to take steps to move forward. BUT... my fella is addicted to the high he gets from 'getting away' with things. He doesn't do drugs or drink...just smokes cigarettes and he is also a compulsive liar.

So now i am left... left loving someone that is hard to love. Trying to figure out if there is some other way for him to get help...besides being warehoused. If there is someone else that cares enough to forgive.

~when asked about what forgiveness is, a little girl gave this beautiful answer... "forgiveness is the sweet scent that a flower gives when its been crushed."

sjai · #2 02-08-2010, 08:59 PM

wow such a powerful story ginger
has he taken any classes or done therapy or anything like that?
my ex was in for 5.5 yrs, out for 6 months then got another 5 yr sentence
hes been out a lil over a month now so we'll see how he goes
( we no longer speak, but i dnt want to see him end up back there ya kno? )
he took lots of classes while incarcerated & also signed up with the john howard society after his release.

what institution is he at?

JailWife27 · #3 02-08-2010, 09:35 PM

Private message me... My man is doing a very longgg time.... I know what you are going through... believe me...

You are NOT alone...

LeaAnn · #4 02-08-2010, 09:40 PM

Welcome to PTO!

Ginger R · #5 02-09-2010, 02:06 PM

Quote:

wow such a powerful story ginger
has he taken any classes or done therapy or anything like that?
my ex was in for 5.5 yrs, out for 6 months then got another 5 yr sentence
hes been out a lil over a month now so we'll see how he goes
( we no longer speak, but i dont want to see him end up back there ya kno? )
he took lots of classes while incarcerated & also signed up with the john howard society after his release.

what institution is he at?

Hey there
The only classes and or courses that he has done is what has been provided by CSC... inside and or out - they do not help - they are not enough! Yes, you have to work with what is given to you, but we need to seek out other avenues...and i have

John Howard knows about him, and he will take some courses with him when he comes home...but we need more
CAMH in toronto is our best bet... they have an intake program there that will get us going in the right direction... counseling, cognitive behavioural thearapy...ect. Not just one thing with help

I found something called the 7th step society (http://www.7thstep.ca/index.html)
but they are not set up in ontario yet

they are like a 'offenders anonymous'... kinda like Alcoholics Anonymous, or Gamblers Anonymous
so...until there is something in Ontario, he will probably go to GA meetings...something is better than nothing.

Also.. Fred, who hates to take any kind of medication, said it would probably be a good idea for him to take something for his 'anxiety', just temporarily so that he can focus on getting well

He's admitting that he has a problem, and that he's lies... and he is trying to figure out why.

The crown is only asking 9months...(they are only asking this much because of his 4 page record...that is no exaggeration...it's all filled with similar things) We had court today, and got the disclosure...April 8 is the first day of trial. At that time he will most likely get 'time served' So his healing can begin.

In the mean time, I've ordered him some books so he can do what he can in regards to 'self help' (at Maplehurst those on remand can get books sent in as long as they are shipped directly from the publisher)
He knows that i am here to be supportive, but he knows that 'he' is the one that has to do the actual 'work'.

So...lol... with that said, things are going well
I miss him of course, but i am very positive about the road ahead

sjai · #6 02-09-2010, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ginger R

Hey there
The only classes and or courses that he has done is what has been provided by CSC... inside and or out - they do not help - they are not enough! Yes, you have to work with what is given to you, but we need to seek out other avenues...and i have

John Howard knows about him, and he will take some courses with him when he comes home...but we need more
CAMH in toronto is our best bet... they have an intake program there that will get us going in the right direction... counseling, cognitive behavioural thearapy...ect. Not just one thing with help

I found something called the 7th step society
but they are not set up in ontario yet

they are like a 'offenders anonymous'... kinda like Alcoholics Anonymous, or Gamblers Anonymous
so...until there is something in Ontario, he will probably go to GA meetings...something is better than nothing.

Also.. Fred, who hates to take any kind of medication, said it would probably be a good idea for him to take something for his 'anxiety', just temporarily so that he can focus on getting well

He's admitting that he has a problem, and that he's lies... and he is trying to figure out why.

The crown is only asking 9months...(they are only asking this much because of his 4 page record...that is no exaggeration...it's all filled with similar things) We had court today, and got the disclosure...April 8 is the first day of trial. At that time he will most likely get 'time served' So his healing can begin.

In the mean time, I've ordered him some books so he can do what he can in regards to 'self help' (at Maplehurst those on remand can get books sent in as long as they are shipped directly from the publisher)
He knows that i am here to be supportive, but he knows that 'he' is the one that has to do the actual 'work'.

So...lol... with that said, things are going well
I miss him of course, but i am very positive about the road ahead

well im glad he's admitted there is a problem & that hes even willing to seek help
thats the first step right there?
so he's in Maplehurst? im not a fan of that place
my ex did 5.5 years there & it did nothing but make him institutionalized

i wish nothing but the best for him, as well as you
they dont really understand how hard it is on us as well as them
i feel like we do the time w/ them
GOOD LUCK!
xox

Ginger R · #7 02-09-2010, 03:12 PM

they may not all understand
but i know Fred does

of course we do the time with them...if you love someone it's sure to happen
but...one day at a time, we keep on keepin' on
both of us
as partners

Ginger R · #8 02-12-2010, 05:28 PM

what's your problem buddy?
you up for spreading a little negativity???
perhaps this isn't the place for you... your profile and posts have already been reported...so if you plan on continuing i would be quick about it so as you can get as many posts in as possible before you're deleted and banned

be well an i hope you find all the happiness your heart can hold
-g

Ginger R · #9 02-12-2010, 08:13 PM

yup you are definitely not in the right spot...this is a site for support -not bashing

Ginger R · #10 02-12-2010, 08:29 PM

...in reflection i wonder sometimes about those who throw stones...
perhaps they don't realize they live in a glass house...???
some are so quick to judge others

truly now i am interested, how can someone feel such hatred?
what happened to you?
perhaps you should tell your story, but i would politely request that you start your own thread
-g

**tee.dot.q** · #11 02-16-2010, 12:05 PM

Hi Ginger,

Welcome to PTO and I'm osrry you had to endure those ignorant comments. Some people have no capacity to understand the plight of prisoners.

In any case, I wish your fella all the best, unfortunately on both sides of the border, inmates are not rehabilitated... they are just housed without any meaningful lessons on how to change. Has he/you triend to contact the John Howard Society? They do some wonderful work with ex-offenders and they do have branches in Toronto.

I wish you all the best and if you need anything, please dont hesitate to ask.

Tee

Ginger R · #12 02-16-2010, 06:49 PM

thank you so much for deleting that users posts, they were definitely up to no good...but...i'm sure there is a reason...and i feel sad for them...such hatred is all consuming.

In regards to my fella - we are both excited to get him as well as 'us' into some programs. Lot's of stuff in the works, and we are both in a way better head space since my first introductory post

What angered me today though was something on the news this evening re: a 'career criminal' (this guy had a huge criminal record with lots of similar non violent charges...property crimes, and high speed chases) that was involved in a high speed chase in a stolen car (the chase resulted in an innocent woman being killed) In reaction to this tragic event the government is discussing longer sentences for repeat offenders. LONGER SENTEANCES!!! what about THEARAPY and REHABILITATION for repeat offenders????
The sentence is not deterring them...perhaps there is a bigger problem...like an addiction to crime???? Why can't anyone in the 'ivory tower' see this, and realise that there needs to be a different solution???

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

**tee.dot.q** · #13 02-16-2010, 11:29 PM

I actually didn't delete the posts, one of my colleagues did.

I am the moderator for the Canadian forums but also work in a job that has been incredibly busy for the last couple of months. I haven't been around as much as I would like/need to be.

The Canadian forums tend to be pretty slow but look around, there are lots of other areas that great information and support can be found.

As you might decipher from my name, I am also from Toronto. My man however is in the US system so believe me, I understand your frustration. Take the Canadian system and multiply the number of inmates by 1000% and you have the US corrections system.

In any case, I'm glad to hear that your fella (and you) are doing better now. Like I said, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask or shoot me a PM (that goes for everyone

) I hope to be around quite a bit more now.

Cheers

Tee

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ginger R

thank you so much for deleting that users posts, they were definitely up to no good...but...i'm sure there is a reason...and i feel sad for them...such hatred is all consuming.

In regards to my fella - we are both excited to get him as well as 'us' into some programs. Lot's of stuff in the works, and we are both in a way better head space since my first introductory post

What angered me today though was something on the news this evening re: a 'career criminal' (this guy had a huge criminal record with lots of similar non violent charges...property crimes, and high speed chases) that was involved in a high speed chase in a stolen car (the chase resulted in an innocent woman being killed) In reaction to this tragic event the government is discussing longer sentences for repeat offenders. LONGER SENTEANCES!!! what about THEARAPY and REHABILITATION for repeat offenders????
The sentence is not deterring them...perhaps there is a bigger problem...like an addiction to crime???? Why can't anyone in the 'ivory tower' see this, and realise that there needs to be a different solution???

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

irishcanuk · #14 02-21-2010, 01:58 PM

Ginger I wanted to commend you for your honesty of your post. Your commitment, love and tenacity while you go though this journey with your fella is inspiring. I pray to God you and he find the supports you both need and deserve. I am only just new to this prison relationship stuff and already there are times I feel overwhelmed, confused and alone. I wish I could offer you some insight into services available to you in the Toronto area but I live in Ireland now and my knowledge of current Canadian criminal justice/social care systems is now non existent. All I have to offer you is my hope and prayers that the two of ye find the strength to make it.

ChristinaL · #15 07-30-2010, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ginger R

Why am i on here?
to meet people like me, and to find help for us
to find help for him, so he can come home and make me smile again

My fella and i met 3years ago while he was on federal parole. For two months we developed our friendship, and the day after we became intimate he violated his parole and was sent back.

For about 18months we wrote, and began the journey of discovery...we fell in love. At first i didn't visit, but for the last year i visited once a week.

My fella has been in and out since he was 14years old...mostly property crimes...he's 28 now. His worst fear was that his father would die while he was in jail...and that he would have to go to the funeral in chains. That fear became a reality Jan 16/09.
My fella was released on parole April 1/09 and on Jan 12/10 would have been free. Truly free for the first time since he was 14...no supervision, no new charges. He re offended just before Christmas.

Why am i here?
We need help.
My fella is caught in a cycle that he can not break alone. I know he truly wants to be done with this life of crime, but he can't do it alone. He had started to take steps to move forward. BUT... my fella is addicted to the high he gets from 'getting away' with things. He doesn't do drugs or drink...just smokes cigarettes and he is also a compulsive liar.

So now i am left... left loving someone that is hard to love. Trying to figure out if there is some other way for him to get help...besides being warehoused. If there is someone else that cares enough to forgive.

~when asked about what forgiveness is, a little girl gave this beautiful answer... "forgiveness is the sweet scent that a flower gives when its been crushed."

my fella is addicted to the high he gets from 'getting away' with things. He doesn't do drugs or drink...just smokes cigarettes and he is also a compulsive liar.

He needs help.........