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  #1  
Old 07-16-2006, 08:48 AM
bobbye7 bobbye7 is offline
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Unhappy What to do when son can't stay out of trouble

my son has been out of prison for 2 weeks and he's already violated his probation. when i heard this i felt my blood run cold. the thing is, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later. somehow he just doesn't know how to act and navigating the probation/parole system is difficult for anybody. but he's 40 years old and i can't control his life. i told him i can't stand to watch him destroy his life and the only way i can deal with his situation is try not to think about it. i don't want to be involved in his legal procedures, in making phone calls or writing letters for him because that just makes it more real for me and i get very depressed. i told him i would cheer him on, support him but i'm not going to do anything for him that he can do for himself & he has to accept the consequences of his actions. just posting on this board is getting me stressed out because i'd hoped it was all over. how do others cope with this situation?
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Old 07-16-2006, 09:02 AM
starting over starting over is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbye7
my son has been out of prison for 2 weeks and he's already violated his probation. when i heard this i felt my blood run cold. the thing is, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later. somehow he just doesn't know how to act and navigating the probation/parole system is difficult for anybody. but he's 40 years old and i can't control his life. i told him i can't stand to watch him destroy his life and the only way i can deal with his situation is try not to think about it. i don't want to be involved in his legal procedures, in making phone calls or writing letters for him because that just makes it more real for me and i get very depressed. i told him i would cheer him on, support him but i'm not going to do anything for him that he can do for himself & he has to accept the consequences of his actions. just posting on this board is getting me stressed out because i'd hoped it was all over. how do others cope with this situation?
I am a child who was in jail. I have no children, so I do not know that side of it, but as one who was in, I have a good idea. Everything you said is right. He is a grown adult who sounds like he is continuing down the same road. It is sad, but you cannot live his life for him nor make his decisons either. My reason here was one night of stupidity....not a "career criminal." Not sure what his situation is, and I am not judging, but like you said, he has to accept the consequences of his actions. I pray for you and wish you well.
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Old 07-16-2006, 09:04 AM
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a_coleman a_coleman is offline
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You know, I have always hated the word "institutionalized" but the truth is some people are just that. They have been in and out of jail and prison their whole lives (my husband included) and its easier for them to be on the inside than in the free world. Your son is a grown man, and there is nothing that you can do to make him stay out of trouble. He has to want to be free, and like I told my husband, until he can change his playground and his playmates, things will never change for him. I know its hard to sit back and watch someone you love destroy their life, but all you can really do is what you are already doing. Good luck to you
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Old 07-16-2006, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by a_coleman
You know, I have always hated the word "institutionalized" but the truth is some people are just that. They have been in and out of jail and prison their whole lives (my husband included) and its easier for them to be on the inside than in the free world. Your son is a grown man, and there is nothing that you can do to make him stay out of trouble. He has to want to be free, and like I told my husband, until he can change his playground and his playmates, things will never change for him. I know its hard to sit back and watch someone you love destroy their life, but all you can really do is what you are already doing. Good luck to you
Very, very true. Only when someone is tired of living a certain way, whether it be, drugs/alcohol/crime, etc....will they truly change.
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Old 07-16-2006, 10:29 AM
bobbye7 bobbye7 is offline
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i'm not sure my son can change, quite frankly. he always tends to think things will be too easy, i.e. getting out of prison, starting a new life, not drinking or being tempted to, etc. he's got major stressors on him -- being an ex-con, on probation, having a huge amount of debt & no job. either he's in a constant state of denial or just can't comprehend things. i'm not sure which. when he is stressed he turns to alcohol, which is what he did & got in trouble for. i'm not even sure a treatment program will help. frankly, i'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. i know this sounds awful, but i can understand why some people cut off contact with loved ones. it's just too painful knowing what's happening to them, esp. when they're doing it to themselves.
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Old 07-16-2006, 10:35 AM
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bobbye7,
you just take care of you and the other members of your family. keep in touch but do not take care of his legal business. he is a grown man. nurture what makes you peaceful and happy and let go of what makes you stressed. he will either snap out of it ...or he won't. there is nothing you can do but wish him the best. we all have our own paths, our own lessons. he has to go through his. your lesson may just very well be letting go. wishing you peace of mind.
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Old 07-16-2006, 04:24 PM
bookieworm2000 bookieworm2000 is offline
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My heart goes out to you and right now you need to take care of you!!! You are all you have. You can not be there or help anyone if you are unable to take care of you. I have been there to and sometimes you just have to back off some and let it go. Very hard to do. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers
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Old 07-24-2006, 09:06 PM
madmax75460 madmax75460 is offline
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A_Coleman is right! Your son has to WANT to be free and if he is 40 then you know that he knows right from wrong. My husband and I both wonder if our son likes to be confined in jail more than in the free world. He was out of jail for almost 3 weeks and then he broke into a friend's house and was put right back into jail. Now our son will be going to safp soon and then a halfway house where he will have to choose to follow the rules of society or go back to jail. We can't make his choices for him even though we would like to "hold" his hand and make the choice for him. It hurts us to see him go through this but we are hoping he will "grow" up and make the right choices one day. All we can do is pray for him and let God take over and protect and guide him. madmax's wife
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Old 07-25-2006, 04:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbye7
my son has been out of prison for 2 weeks and he's already violated his probation. when i heard this i felt my blood run cold. the thing is, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later. somehow he just doesn't know how to act and navigating the probation/parole system is difficult for anybody. but he's 40 years old and i can't control his life. i told him i can't stand to watch him destroy his life and the only way i can deal with his situation is try not to think about it. i don't want to be involved in his legal procedures, in making phone calls or writing letters for him because that just makes it more real for me and i get very depressed. i told him i would cheer him on, support him but i'm not going to do anything for him that he can do for himself & he has to accept the consequences of his actions. just posting on this board is getting me stressed out because i'd hoped it was all over. how do others cope with this situation?
Hello bobbye7!

Whoa, I hear your frustation and feel your pain. My son is 24 & "I have been cheering him on." Juvenile, County & now Adult Prison. And, yes it will mk. u depressed as you're living it.

You asked, "How Do We Cope With This Situation."
By any means, that you can which is healthy and productive.
If you can't deal with it for a month or two, then just send him a card.
Just say, "You pray for my peace protection & strength as I have prayed for yours."

Many of my family members have gotten Mad or questioned the tough love, which I often have exhibited to my son, but thru the tough love he went into Drug Rehab, got a job, went to church and really began to work on His Issues. He cursed me and told me that I didn't luv him, But when it was all said and done I was the 1st person who got a knock on the door. I'm my son's greatest Fan & Supporter...how could I not be I gave him birth.

Stay Mentally and Physically Strong for yourself and you can stay strong for him. He may be 40 but so what, Mother's can't give up on their children. So, when your blood runs cold he knows why. I'm praying that one day His blood will run cold from the things in which he has done.

I luv your son and I'm praying for him.

Your Sister In Christ,
littlemama
"I'm Just A Prisoner Of Hope"
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  #10  
Old 07-25-2006, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by madmax75460
A_Coleman is right! Your son has to WANT to be free and if he is 40 then you know that he knows right from wrong. My husband and I both wonder if our son likes to be confined in jail more than in the free world. He was out of jail for almost 3 weeks and then he broke into a friend's house and was put right back into jail. Now our son will be going to safp soon and then a halfway house where he will have to choose to follow the rules of society or go back to jail. We can't make his choices for him even though we would like to "hold" his hand and make the choice for him. It hurts us to see him go through this but we are hoping he will "grow" up and make the right choices one day. All we can do is pray for him and let God take over and protect and guide him. madmax's wife
I pray your son knows the wonderful parents in which he has.

God Bless you both!
littlemama
"I'm Just A Prisoner Of Hope"
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