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Old 05-07-2018, 01:58 PM
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ItsMe81 ItsMe81 is offline
AmyLynn
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
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Default Living with Anxiety and Bipolar

I'm my worst enemy. I self sabatoge in order to try to protect myself which only leads to me hurting myself.* I over think.* My goodness do I over think and instead of helping relieve my anxiety,* I make it a million times worse. I push people away and these are people who really give a shit about me. I break my own heart and then lash out on people who don't deserve it.

I have yet to figure out how to let go of things beyond my control. I'm stubborn and my mouth often has no filter. I get scared of things actually working so I sabatoge them and run to people and things I know I shouldn't.

I've worked on myself a lot but I've stopped working on me and in doing so I've regressed. Living with anxiety and depression is hard. Not facing it and working on it makes life even harder.

Old habits are so easy to pick back up no matter how much you've worked on getting away from them and changing your life.* It's easy for me to just go back to drinking to not feel.* It's easy for me to become reclusive and it's easy for me to just go back to who I was. It's almost a comfort zone which in thinking about that sounds ridiculous because in no way shape or form is living like this comfortable.

Being a better person is freaking hard.* Being positive and changing thought patterns is freaking hard. It's not something you can do for just a little while and then stop.* It's a process that requires consistency. I have failed but in failing I've realized that despite my best efforts I can not keep from doing these things if I refuse to continue working on me.

I'm not saying all this for sympathy.... I don't need that. I'm saying this because I know I'm not alone in this and because I want others to know that they are not alone either.

It's moment by moment right now.* These are my thoughts and admissions. For those who are in my life and have been on the receiving end of all of this,* I'm truly truly sorry.* For those who stay even when I push them away,* thank you for not letting go.* For those who pick me up (over and over again), thank you for being there. For those who love me despite my inability to show you love all the time,* I am sorry.

I needed to vent. The struggle is real. There is a huge stigma about mental health.
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