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Old 07-15-2019, 08:07 PM
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kleesi73 kleesi73 is offline
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Thumbs up Contact after protective order

Originally Posted by yourself View Post
What is the harm?

So, you want to contact him and he wants to contact you pretrial. Cool! He can convince you to change your story and maybe even not show up for trial so that your ass can wind up in prison for violating a subpoena. This will be his misguided effort to get to walk - you do a little time, and because you don,t show up, he thinks he can skate. Reality, they don,t need you to convict as they have police testimony, medical testimony, neighbor testimony and anything else they can come up with. They are used to abusers manipulating their victims in hopes of getting off. It doesn’t work. But, hey, you want to communicate with him and you think it is unfair that you are being treated by the courts just like every other victim. You are the exception, so it is just so unfair!

Then you want to contact him in prison once he is sentenced. You don,t want to do therapy, Don,t want to let him do his therapy and classes - you just want to talk with him because you miss him so. And I bet you think that he can live with you, parole out to you when he is done. That is a fantasy.

He needs to do his therapy and his classes. He can't do that effectively with you communicating with him because you miss him and think that this is just so unfair. You need to do your therapy and not communicate with him so that it is effective. they know that if you communicate during therapy, he will undermine that therapy, and his habit of manipulating you will undermine his therapy. I really don't care if you don,t think that he manipulates you or not - that is the case in 99% of these cases and you are stuck.

You both have to do your work. Once you have actual professsionals saying that contact between you, through an intermediary, in couples therapy is a good idea, then you can petition to modify the protective order. Until then, you are stuck. You can moan about the whole thing or you can do your therapy so that when he is off parole you can petition to modify.

Just an FYI, those 3 years are tolled while he is in jail or prison. One of his conditions of probation will be no contact with his victim. While in jail awaiting sentencing, contact with you will lead to another charge - witness tampering. Contact through his father just makes him an accessory to witness tampering, giving him a nice record and a stay in jail.

You don't think it is fair - fine. Now do the work necessary to get to the point where a court will actually listen to you as somebody other than your standard, every day, run of the mill domestic violence victim crying about how unfair it is that she (or he) cannot get their fix of manipulation, gaslighting, psychological abuse.

Blunt, but I am in a blunt mood when it comes to this sort of thing today. Today I got to see another attorney hit with a baseball bat trying to protect his client from her abusive partner. In the parking lot. At the courthouse. Asshat abuser decided to try to brain his victim and her attorney decided to get in the way instead of just letting it happen.

This is not the first time any of us have experienced stuff like this. Personally, I am glad that this time it was just a baseball bat (Paul isn't, but he is in the hospital having surgery on his arm) and not a gun.
This is the best hard hitting advice I have ever read and has helped me with making up my mind about continuing contact with my partner in prison for domestic violence against me. We also had a protective order 5yrs one !! But for 2 years we breached the order by phone contact. (sentenced to 3 1/2 years)

Recently he was approved for parole as long as he did a prison course on his DV issues and then a 3mth rehab on the outside to follow that up. We were caught by the correctional facility three weeks before he was due to be released, so he was breached and they cancelled his parole. He now has to reapply which will take him 6-8 months.

The same week the prison breached him I received a call from a domestic violence counselling service who told me they had been contacted by the correctional centre (unbeknownst to me, they apparently inform partners) because he was due to be released soon on parole and this was a courtesy call to see how I was emotionally and how I felt about his impending release.

It has taken 6 weeks to trust this counselling service and for me to open up about my partners phone calls over the 2years and how I feel about his release (that is no longer happening now anyway). So the prison has done me a huge favour by contacting counselling for me.

I now know that I need counselling big time and also need to stay NO CONTACT until I am better and clearer in my head. I wonder if he was manipulating me the whole time so really don't know if he meant any of the beautiful stuff. The toxic fog is slowly lifting. I did keep money on his books and would of had him live with me upon release, but hey not just yet. Things happen for a reason. I've been given a life line, a reprieve of silence from him.

So to ensure the toxic fog continues to lift I'm off to the French Riviera and Spain, London and Ireland. And I have to give a huge THANK YOU to "yourself" for this so on point advice and cementing the idea in my head that I'm doing the right thing.


Last edited by kleesi73; 07-15-2019 at 08:29 PM..
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