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Old 12-05-2017, 11:45 AM
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Turn thenwuestion around - is there ever a time when your emotions are so out of control that you'd feel justified beating somebody? Especially somebody not as strong as you?

Look, I do a lot of martial arts. So, yeah, I hit people. I throw them around. I choke them. But it's all under control, in the dojo, and the person having the technique done to them is in control - the moment they tap, or want a break, or call it a night is the moment everything stops. Nobody name calls - they ask if you're all right. There are some very delightful couples in martial arts, and I've know a few for decades. The joke, in bad tastes because I am a lawyer, is, "in the dojo; everywhere else it's spousal abuse (you can interchange ag battery or child abuse for spousal abuse)" and it really is a bad joke. In the judo, you don't want to hurt your training partners. Without training partners, you don't improve. In the dojo, you don't do anything from raw emotion. If you are having a hard day and get emotional, you are expected to deal with it, or you will be invited off the dojo floor. Dealing with it does not mean beating on your training partners. In the dojo, good one anyway, you welcome new people to the training, you go to clinics, you meet other practitioners around the world (and punch them or choke them as tehe case may be) - the goal is inclusiveness, not isolation on a mountain top in Tibet or some other Bruce Lee mythology. In the dojo, you ask for help from everybody, and are expected to give what help you can to those who ask.

The comparison with DV is only one of hitting - do you hit your husband (in my case, ex husband but I did hit him before, during and after the relationship). The true question is, "do you mean to cause your partner harm?" If the answer is yes, it's abuse. "Do you mean to alleviate your own intense feelings by harming your partner?" This is abuse. "Do you ever intend to make your partner feel bad because you can?" This is abuse.

So, yeah, you can hit your partner without abusing your partner. You can abuse the hell out of your partner without ever touching them.
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