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Old 08-10-2019, 08:51 PM
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All the stuff that happened earlier in the week was intense. I live in a what they call a grant per Diem program for veterans. There's about 30 of us and some of these guys have fought over in Iraq, Afghanistan and as far back as Vietnam. My room mate that just left for Alabama served 2 tours in Vietnam. A couple of weeks ago it was suggested by staff here that I see a Psychotherapist once a week which I started doing then. First session she I want to see you for 6 sessions, last weeks I want to see you for 12 sessions, this week she said I want to see you for 18 session. Then a 2nd therapist showed up and now I see him, as well. He started off with 6 sessions that he wanted to see me and then by the end of the first session he said he wanted to see me for 12 sessions all total. And I said to her, the psychotherapist "Am I in that bad of shape? You have all these other guys, some of which are combat veterans and you're not spending that much time with them or so they say, so....what's the deal? I'm starting to get a complex about this." She sat there for a long second and said "you have been through severe trauma...very severe....but I have hope for you....a lot of hope." And so....I don't know? Right now it feels like we're pulling the scab off of something I thought was healed. Along with that, what's happened in the past is not something I'm overly melodramatic about, it just happened and if you ask a question about something I tell you the truth. What's done is done. A better life is about taking action and allowing God to work through you. The real enemy is the Ego, not the world, not my parents, not you.....me.....my ego. Still, I don't know everything. I'm almost 59 and I know more so now than ever before that learning and growing is something that you have to be willing to do continuously all your life. So.....I'm tripping about that a little bit.
My older sibling who is serving 17 - LIFE in California at the California Medical Facility in Vacaville is also some one I'm troubled by because of his situation and the fact that I can't really reach out him or reach him at all in the "keep your chin up" sense of things. He's very bitter right now and extremely dejected over the prospects of making parole. Both of us thought he'd be out by now. He's been in 37 years, but.....he has a lot of people that are seriously down on him. The DA from the county he was convicted in, an advocate from a victims rights organization and the victim's family are relentless in protesting his parole and they show up in person to do so every time he has a chance. And so, he has a tendency to get rather toxic in his letters to me and....I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of being a punching bag and while I understand how difficult it is due the 18 years I spent in there......there's a point where you have to maintain your composure for the sake of not discouraging those close to you. He's way beyond that in terms of the sentiment of his letters. You can reach a point to where you run people off with your mouth and I'm more than capable of doing that myself. Still, I'm trying hard to exercise some humility and understanding concerning him because we all know "he's in the closest place to hell on earth....that place called prison and he's been there for a long time.
About the middle of the week I prayed one night before going to bed and I ask for direction and a sense of clarity about the stuff I just mentioned to you. When this woman said what she did this morning it, someone I don't know, someone whom I know is afraid of her surroundings and especially the fact that she's a bit challenged in the mental sense it was like a.....response or message from somewhere other than on this plane. Sometimes those that are not of the same mindedness as the rest of us can be a tool or vessel through which the Spirit will speak. They don't have the same egotistical barriers or desire to be respected or made a part of something as the rest of us. They are what they are and there's no pretenses to do with it. She didn't want anything from me and........who knows.......maybe to someone else she was some troubled soul in homeless situation that has more problems than the rest of us, but I try to pay attention these days to what's going on around me and within me. And most of all, I know that I have to be willing at a bare minimum to stay sober and not use. I have to be willing to at least do that much.
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