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Old 08-08-2018, 02:24 AM
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missingdee missingdee is offline
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I've decided I want to go back and address some of the points made by OP directly. I feel like there's a teachable moment here. Maybe. I hope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gu903tx View Post
REMEMBER! U DID NOT PUT THEM THERE!!! You are just trying to be there for them & you DO NOT DESERVE THAT BULLSHIT!!!
You're right. Our loved ones put themselves in the situation. No, we don't deserve "that bullshit." But the reality is, once they find themselves incarcerated, that's the new reality. At that point, we have two choices: stand by them or walk away. Sadly, most men in our position choose to walk away.

Where I commend you: you've chosen, at least so far, to stand by her. You've done so despite your own struggles with incarceration and addiction, and you've done so despite the fact that she comes with a multitude of issues (mental illness and drug addiction being the primary drivers there and, at least from where I sit, leading directly to her criminality.)


Where you lose me: while I agree that we, as human beings, deserve better than to be in a position to have to make this choice, as soon as we do, we're putting up with the "bullshit" that comes with it. That's part of the deal. You stand by your woman, the "bullshit" becomes half yours. It doesn't matter if you're married or not. You're her partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gu903tx View Post
Women especially ones that are locked up are full of all kinds of emotions and feelings and fears and our jobs are to be the MEN!!! The strong men in there life that they come to when they are afraid or said that will shut up & listen to everything they say but DO NOT GIVE ADVISE OR TRY FIXING ANYTHING! they only want your attention unless they ask for advice specifically!
If I break this down, separate it out.....it's kind of an oversimplification, but yes, sometimes women want to just be able to tell you what's on their mind and be REASSURED. Not advised. Not "fixed." (Or not to have their problems fixed for them.)

To your greater point...the reason they don't necessarily want the feedback or the fixing is because they want a feeling of independence to sort through what they're feeling and fix it themselves. If they need help, they will ask. A "strong man" recognizes when this help is being asked for and delivers. He also understands that instead of fixing things, sometimes the best thing to do is just be a support and take her burden off her by not being a burden himself in those moments. Sex/gender aside, we're still two separate entites….me and Dee.....you and your girlfriend.....and as much as they may be a part of us, they are still them and need to have at least some feeling of independence. With your girlfriend this is a bit hard to negotiate right now because, based on my understanding, she needs a lot of guidance. So yes, a "strong man" could be of benefit to her. But that strength has to come in support. She has to, ultimately, figure out her own path and her own value, as well as the value of that man in her life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gu903tx View Post
Thats what they need a strong dominant alpha male not a winey, needy, insecure submissive beta male!!!! When you act like an alpha male that lets them do 80% of the talking & gives them there undivided attention they will love you and want u more.
Okay. Now I feel like I'm reading one of those "secrets to getting any woman to be attracted to you" newsletters. Moving on....

Quote:
Originally Posted by gu903tx View Post
But when they call you to cry to and your asking all sorts of needy questions, freaking out and crying before they can even cry themselves they will distance themselves from you because not only do they have to deal with there own emotions now because her man is more of a woman than her she now has to be the man for him too and she DOES NOT wanna deal with that shit! She will become mean and rude as fuck, treat u like shit, and ignore you to make u cry more! Lol
Let me stop you right here.

I'm trying to understand exactly where this is coming from.

The men who come here....come looking for support. Not to sound like we're a bunch of "special snowflakes" (seems to be a popular term these days for anyone who shows any sort of weakness, particularly but not exclusively if they have, shall we say, particular political leanings,) but this forum is meant to be a "safe space" where we can express our worries and fears. Because while you may have been to prison and understand some of its inner workings and how institutions are structured and the importance of not showing weakness there.....most of us have not. And I respect your experience in that regard.....but the reality is, sometimes this is very hard. Most of the men here have cried...maybe not to their loved ones on the phone, maybe in private moments. I have. It doesn't make you "weak." It makes you human. And in the realm of human experience.....this is certainly not "normal." Or wanted. So we're going to have our concerns. And in our relationships, we're going to express some of those to our partners. And if our relationships are at least somewhat healthy, they're going to listen to us too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gu903tx View Post
If your already at that spot then To undo this get pissed off tell her your done and hang up. Dont answer for a day then when u do she will apologize and then set your ground rules like a man!
Sometimes you have to be firm with your partner when setting boundaries. But this approach? This is just bullying and manipulation. Why would you take someone at their most vulnerable and deliberately make them feel worse? Is there a point to prove? I don't see it. Enlighten me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gu903tx View Post
Treat her then like a man do not show her weakness! After a while if she suddenly goes a day or two without calling dont freak out and send a letter or jpay imediately showing weakness just play it cool and when she calls seem normal dont attack her! That shows insecurity and weakness! Its healthy to take a couple days off to make her miss and want u and wonder about you! But thats it! Yall can thank me later! Oh and dont let her walk all over you or change the line you put down remain centered, strong, dominant, and be 100% alpha not her gay sensitive girlfriend lol
I think it's healthy to give yourself time to breathe and reflect and do a self-inventory from time to time. But let's be real here. Their ability to contact us is limited. The time they spend trying to get to the phone is valuable not just in terms of the cost of the phone call but in terms of the inconvenience often involved in getting a slot to make a call. Aside from that, there may be an emergency or they may be having a crappy day, and where are you, the "strong man," to provide the necessary support she needs when she needs it most if you're focused on trying to get her to miss you or want you or wonder about you?

What I learned in 5 years of Dee being in is that the "alpha" is the "alpha" because he is strong enough to be her rock even through the "bullshit" and the lonely nights and the hardest of times. It isn't about ignoring her phone calls. Or whether or not he gets emotional or asks questions or whatnot. It's because he's strong enough to be on the other side of the gate when she walks out.


Let me tell you something, my friend. I respect what you're going through because I was there, and I understand why you're trying to come up with solutions to her behavior and attitude because I dealt with it, too, but let me be clear about something. I got where I am because I was strong enough to be on the other side of that gate when she got out. I am where I am because even now when times are tough I have what it takes to be there for her and be her rock. She isn't loyal to me because I made her that way. She is loyal to me because I showed her my worth and then told her "you're strong enough to make your own way" and let her decide that this is where she wants to be. She never had to apologize. She never had to power struggle. I did her time with her day for day. We got to the gate. And I still do her time with her. Day for day. Because when you love someone, you're bound to them in the free world too, but it's always a choice. Every day it's a choice.

Remember. It's supposed to be a partnership. Not a dictatorship.

-E
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