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Old 01-01-2018, 10:59 AM
yourself yourself is offline

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Look, there's a no contact order in place. He needs to not contact you in any way while that order is in place. This is respect for the law, and respect for you and your kid. Nobody wants the cops to show up and drag him away at any moment because he's taken it upon himself to ignore that order.

That order will remain in place at least until his court case is over. You need to get that in your head and get to the point you are okay with this. If you can't be okay with this, then your relationship is really a toxic relationship, and you need to adult up and deal with it - figure out why you're so dependent on a man who wants you to take care of him rather than man up and contribute his fair share and actually deal with his issues.

There is counseling available for you as the victim of domestic violence at your local domestic violence shelter. There's counseling available for him for his huge number of issues through Catholic Charities (not religious counseling, and you don't have to be Catholic) or Lutheran Family Charities (not religious counseling, and you don't have to be Lutheran to get on the sliding scale therapy schedule), and probably Baptist, Jewish, and others. There is also community based mental health so he can get therapy and deal with his issues rather than expect you to support him his entire life.

Look, you have a real opportunity here - he can deal with his shit, and you can deal with yours, and hopefully then you can come together as mature adults who can work out your issues instead of fighting all the time. This is your best bet for getting that protective order removed before it expires years from now.

You are doing some really good things with your life - housing, schooling (nursing is a great vocation as you can take it anywhere in the US once you have your license). What you don't need is a bunch of DV charges following you around. If you get charged, you can kiss that nursing license goodbye. This is yet another reason you really need to deal with the toxic nature of your relationship. If you want to nurse, you can't have a dv charge, and you are one phone call away from your own dv charge.

Another thing you need to understand is that a battery happens when there's any sort of unlawful touching. What does this mean? It means he doesn't have to punch you in the face to be a batterer. You don't have to swing a skillet at his head to be a batterer. Holding somebody's arm so they can't go someplace, even if it's just a few paces, is a battery. Putting your hands on somebody who doesn't want you to put your hands on them is a battery. Adjust your thinking on what is a battery and quit making excuses for behavior.

You have done a lot of thinking about why he is the way he is. I'm wondering how much of that is excuse, seeing as he hasn't tried to pony up.

And let me ask - what's the problem with him going active duty military? Are you afraid that he'll fall in love with another soldier or some woman somewhere where he's stationed? He's not going active duty with a pending domestic violence charge, that's for sure, but if he wants to go that route.... and there's nothing to say that he's not worried about the exact same thing - that if he goes active, you'll find somebody else.

You can't make a person change. But you have. A real opportunity to look into why this guy means so much that you cannot even make him adhere to a simple protective order so he stays out of jail. You say you have issues, and I'd assume abandonment is one of them based on the meth mom experience. You really need to deal with that so that you can deal with him in a more mature fashion. And he really needs to make a commitment to his own change. You both can do that by getting some low/no cost therapy and adhering to court orders. Otherwise, you are one dv charge away from not being able to get a nursing license.
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