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-   -   Don't like the silence... (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=707406)

NeedA_Name 11-10-2017 08:48 PM

Don't like the silence...
 
I guess this is mostly just a vent post, but I'm visiting my grandparents and had to tell hubby I might not always be able to answer the phone while I'm there because they don't know what's going on and wouldn't handle it very well if they found out. Grandfather has a heart condition and my mom claims he'd pass away if he knew what's going on. This is now the second day in a row I haven't heard from my husband, and I know some times that happens, but I'm worried. I don't know if I'm not hearing from him because he's worried he'll call me at the wrong time and I'll get in trouble, they're on lockdown, or if he's not calling me because he's hurt I'm, in certain ways, hiding him from my grandparents. If I don't hear from him soon, I'm going to write to him, but in the meantime, I'm stressing out all over the place. [emoji37][emoji47][emoji54][emoji40]

onparoleinTO 11-10-2017 09:47 PM

Hard to tell without knowing you better, but it sounds like unnecessary anxiety on your part. Try to assume (easy for me to say, I know) that all is well and you'll be in touch when you get home.

Hope that helps!

NeedA_Name 11-10-2017 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onparoleinTO (Post 7677979)
Hard to tell without knowing you better, but it sounds like unnecessary anxiety on your part. Try to assume (easy for me to say, I know) that all is well and you'll be in touch when you get home.

Hope that helps!

Thank you. That's the assumption I'm trying to go with. It's just rough having to keep everything secret from my grandparents. Especially when keeping it secret risks hurting my husband's feelings over it. Eventually he's supposed to get out, and then I don't know what we're going to do about my grandparents if they're still around by then. I'm being made to feel like I have to choose between my husband and other people I love and I hate that feeling.

onedayatatime13 11-10-2017 10:06 PM

There could be a whole host of reasons for not hearing from him. In the beginning when everything was dramatic, I would remind myself to enjoy the silence. It would actually help me sleep because soon the roller coaster would start up again until wrapped our minds around everything.

The hiding thing is not fun. Just let it be for now and keep things quiet if it causes less drama in your family. There is enough going on as it is and then you revisit it later.

nygirl17 11-11-2017 01:03 AM

Why would a phone call from him indicate he's in prison. He could be at the store??? I never tell my husband not to call me.

JustBeingMe67 11-11-2017 04:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedA_Name (Post 7677969)
I guess this is mostly just a vent post, but I'm visiting my grandparents and had to tell hubby I might not always be able to answer the phone while I'm there because they don't know what's going on and wouldn't handle it very well if they found out. Grandfather has a heart condition and my mom claims he'd pass away if he knew what's going on. This is now the second day in a row I haven't heard from my husband, and I know some times that happens, but I'm worried. I don't know if I'm not hearing from him because he's worried he'll call me at the wrong time and I'll get in trouble, they're on lockdown, or if he's not calling me because he's hurt I'm, in certain ways, hiding him from my grandparents. If I don't hear from him soon, I'm going to write to him, but in the meantime, I'm stressing out all over the place. [emoji37][emoji47][emoji54][emoji40]

Can you set a time for him to call when its easier, maybe when they are sleeping, out shopping, watching tv?

Anything can happen with DOC and its hard when we don't hear from them, it's not like we can pick up the phone and call them, ugh. Try and trust that when he can, he will call.

Again, if you can find a time that works better for you, for him to call, try and do that. Are you using a cell phone? If so, you could set a time for him to call and then tell Grandparents you are going to go run errands.

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nygirl17 (Post 7677999)
Why would a phone call from him indicate he's in prison. He could be at the store??? I never tell my husband not to call me.

They don't even know we're still together. Hubby and I were separated for a bit before all this happened. Plus if I answer the phone not far enough out of their hearing range, then they'd hear the whole "you have a prepaid call from ---, an inmate at the --- --- jail."

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustBeingMe67 (Post 7678019)
Can you set a time for him to call when its easier, maybe when they are sleeping, out shopping, watching tv?

Anything can happen with DOC and its hard when we don't hear from them, it's not like we can pick up the phone and call them, ugh. Try and trust that when he can, he will call.

Again, if you can find a time that works better for you, for him to call, try and do that. Are you using a cell phone? If so, you could set a time for him to call and then tell Grandparents you are going to go run errands.

I wish it was that easy. I'm using a cellphone, but during the normal hours that he calls me, they all had something planned. After breakfast, I'm heading home.

judiwoo 11-11-2017 06:20 AM

He maybe isn't calling because he knows you are with your grandparents and might not answer the phone

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by judiwoo (Post 7678024)
He maybe isn't calling because he knows you are with your grandparents and might not answer the phone

Thing is I got the days mixed up and told him I'd be with them today and tomorrow, not yesterday and today. He didn't call me yesterday and he didn't call me the day before that one.

judiwoo 11-11-2017 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedA_Name (Post 7678026)
Thing is I got the days mixed up and told him I'd be with them today and tomorrow, not yesterday and today. He didn't call me yesterday and he didn't call me the day before that one.

I wouldn't worry too much he could be on lockdown. I'm sure he will call when he can

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by judiwoo (Post 7678064)
I wouldn't worry too much he could be on lockdown. I'm sure he will call when he can

As long as he's okay and calls me as soon as he can.

onedayatatime13 11-11-2017 09:59 AM

I am not sure if you are religious or pray, but When those moments came I would also pray for his safety. I knew it wasn't because he didn't want to speak to me, but he couldn't. I have it to God to handle. Once I called down and went about life, the phone would ring.

Step outside if you have too or the bathroom if he calls. I smoke, so I grab a cigarette and make my way outside. Now we have relatively preset call times, so I make myself available during those times. If I can't, I let him know the night before, so he can change his time slots to call.

It will all be ok. While in county, anything can place them on a lock down or have them shut off the phones. I also do my best letter writing then as well. I write what I would want to talk about and I feel good after that.

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 (Post 7678070)
I am not sure if you are religious or pray, but When those moments came I would also pray for his safety. I knew it wasn't because he didn't want to speak to me, but he couldn't. I have it to God to handle. Once I called down and went about life, the phone would ring.

Step outside if you have too or the bathroom if he calls. I smoke, so I grab a cigarette and make my way outside. Now we have relatively preset call times, so I make myself available during those times. If I can't, I let him know the night before, so he can change his time slots to call.

It will all be ok. While in county, anything can place them on a lock down or have them shut off the phones. I also do my best letter writing then as well. I write what I would want to talk about and I feel good after that.

I pray. We don't have super set times because of all the other people who want the phone as well but he has a couple times during the day that he usually calls and it was during those times there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to answer the phone. I didn't say he couldn't call, although I did tell him I might not be able to answer but to please not think I'm ignoring him.

Depending on where I was when he'd have called, I could have stepped out for a minute too, but he never called at all. Now I'm back home and since I got my days mixed up on when I'd even be seeing my grandparents, I might not hear from him at all until two days from now. I just hope he's okay and my having to keep quiet around my grandparents about him hasn't hurt his feelings and/or made him think I'm ashamed of him. I'm not. If it weren't for my grandpa's heart problems, I would have told my mom I'm not hiding my husband from them and it's on them if they have a problem with it.

xolady 11-11-2017 10:19 AM

I'm sorry your dealing with the burden of keeping this secret it sucks that's for sure especially when it would makes things easier for all if you could be open and honest. I would just send him lots of mail saying all you are feeling I don't think you should be so worried about his feelings after all he's the one who is the cause of him being in prison. And if he hadn't done something you wouldn't be placed in this position. Your feelings need to come first.

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xolady (Post 7678075)
I don't think you should be so worried about his feelings after all he's the one who is the cause of him being in prison. And if he hadn't done something you wouldn't be placed in this position. Your feelings need to come first.

He was diagnosed with a mental/mood disorder after he was incarcerated and if he had been diagnosed with it before then and getting the help he needed for it, he wouldn't be locked up. I worry about his feelings regarding all this because he's Schizoaffective Bipolar (what he was diagnosed with after incarceration) and I don't want his mind to wander into paranoid territory again, especially when it comes towards my feelings for him.

He already hates himself far too much, including hating the Aspergers he was diagnosed with long before incarceration, and he was on watch for the first at least month he was locked up because he told me the day before everything happened that he wanted to die. I'm not about to sit on the phone and tell him "it's all your fault you're in there" when he couldn't have actively chosen not to get help for a disorder he didn't even know he had before everything fell apart.

It would be one thing if he was diagnosed before all this happened and chose not to get help but you can't really choose not to get help for something you don't even know you have in the first place. So long as he continues to get help for what he now knows he has, I'm naturally going to worry about things going on that may hurt his feelings. I love him. Caring about his feelings comes standard.

xolady 11-11-2017 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedA_Name (Post 7678083)
He was diagnosed with a mental/mood disorder after he was incarcerated and if he had been diagnosed with it before then and getting the help he needed for it, he wouldn't be locked up. I worry about his feelings regarding all this because he's Schizoaffective Bipolar (what he was diagnosed with after incarceration) and I don't want his mind to wander into paranoid territory again, especially when it comes towards my feelings for him.

He already hates himself far too much, including hating the Aspergers he was diagnosed with long before incarceration, and he was on watch for the first at least month he was locked up because he told me the day before everything happened that he wanted to die. I'm not about to sit on the phone and tell him "it's all your fault you're in there" when he couldn't have actively chosen not to get help for a disorder he didn't even know he had before everything fell apart.

It would be one thing if he was diagnosed before all this happened and chose not to get help but you can't really choose not to get help for something you don't even know you have in the first place. So long as he continues to get help for what he now knows he has, I'm naturally going to worry about things going on that may hurt his feelings. I love him. Caring about his feelings comes standard.

I don't know what your husband did but obviously mental problems led to this but it doesn't negate your feelings, and it doesn't excuse him from responsibility for whatever has happened. I'm glad he has gotten help just a shame he waited till he got in trouble to find out. Lots of mentally ill people end up in prison it's very sad and upsetting but he's getting help. Mean while your left to pick up the pieces of your life and you won't if you can't talk with him and communicate your feelings. I hope he gets on a medication that will stop his symptoms and control his illness.

cljinct 11-11-2017 06:11 PM

I think that blaming people with mental illness for not seeking treatment is an indicator that you have limited understanding if the pathology of mental illness. Part of the disease is often a lack of insight into the disease..its like blaming someone with terminal cancer for dying.. they often can't help it because they don't know they are sick and when they get treatment they think they are cured and stop treatment . 8

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cljinct (Post 7678127)
I think that blaming people with mental illness for not seeking treatment is an indicator that you have limited understanding if the pathology of mental illness. Part of the disease is often a lack of insight into the disease..

Exactly. How you can expect someone to look for treatment of something they don't even know they have, I have no idea.

For example, I believe I mentioned earlier that he has Aspergers and knew about it for awhile. I, however, also have Aspergers, but didn't get that diagnosis until late last year because I wasn't even aware how it presents in females and spent my childhood in an environment that claimed Autism didn't exist in the first place. Am I to blame for the years of my life that were spent not getting help for what I didn't know I have?

My husband didn't choose for his mind to be the way it is, and combined with poor excuses for "friends," I can't really fault him for his mind eventually driving him to do what he did that ended up landing him in jail. He called the cops on himself soon after it happened and was very cooperative with them through out the process following that. All those who know him well enough sincerely believe he snapped. He isn't at fault for not being in his right mind at the worst possible time.

If he goes off his treatment plan and all this happens again, then you can fault him. Until then, I'm not holding what happened against him. I'm sad it happened, but even then, it's a sadness that this is how he had to learn about what he has instead of finding out before it spun out of control. My sincerest apologies to those he hurt in the process, but it wasn't intentional and he's now doing everything he can to get the help he needs so it doesn't happen again. In certain ways, I'm proud of him, not for what happened, so much as for how he's handling it now.

NeedA_Name 11-11-2017 06:55 PM

Little update to add I just got the call. He said he loves me before he hung up, so I'm going to assume we're all good. I don't know if the admins want to close this thread now that I got a call or not. Either is fine with me.


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