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spouseof 06-27-2020 05:46 PM

LGBT Wife of an Inmate
 
What if you had a wife who went to prison and you found out she had a prison family and possibly had sex even oral. Is this because of the stress of prison and losing everything or a true cheating situation? Trying to be fair and understanding ...

Girl22472 06-27-2020 05:57 PM

Only you can decide it if's a "true" cheating situation. Your feelings about it matter and the communication between the two of you discussing it is the only thing that can resolve it.

She'sMyAngel 06-27-2020 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girl22472 (Post 7822262)
Only you can decide it if's a "true" cheating situation. Your feelings about it matter and the communication between the two of you discussing it is the only thing that can resolve it.

This, absolutely. Also, it may be worth considering that it's very common (in my experience) for women in prison to have 'family' groups. Often there is also a maternal/sisterly bond, companionship and group protection.

The sexual component is something that you will need to discuss and come to your own conclusions on. But please don't feel you are alone in this, there are many here who will connect with your experience. Good luck.

spouseof 07-02-2020 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by She'sMyAngel (Post 7822271)
This, absolutely. Also, it may be worth considering that it's very common (in my experience) for women in prison to have 'family' groups. Often there is also a maternal/sisterly bond, companionship and group protection.

The sexual component is something that you will need to discuss and come to your own conclusions on. But please don't feel you are alone in this, there are many here who will connect with your experience. Good luck.


I hate to sound snobbish and sanctimonious but we are both from families that are so far right it often made us both insane:(. I can't even believe she could do this to us, and that sex was so more important to her than loyalty. I was on the outside and was loyal, she is true boy butch and said she was harassed every day by 1400 women all flashing her and saying sexual stuff that she could never be loyal. I was not in the same situation, but I had the freedom to be with someone in a romantic situation and I didn't.

fbopnomore 07-02-2020 03:05 PM

Life is full of opportunities to "stray", so prison isn't unique. She decided to cheat, and is attempting to justify her actions to both you and her. It isn't that much different than if you had decided to be with someone else rather than saying no.

MizzyMuffling 07-02-2020 03:25 PM

I'm pretty stupid when it comes to prison life and things "they do" but as a girlfriend of a prisoner I think I would not be happy in a situation like this. I have heard about "gay for the stay" but this is a not enough explanation/excuse for me. That's just me though... I understand everyone has their needs and stuff... so do you I guess... but prison is not a "joker" to do what you want.
Maybe it's something they "need" to do to be "accepted" but I'd be pissed to be honest.
Having someone you love (and even married to) going to prison and then behaving like that would be a double-betrayel in my book.
But that's just me... I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and what you might have discussed beforehand but I would not like that and probably get out of that kind of relationship.

Born 07-02-2020 04:05 PM

Personally, i would second what Mizzy said. A marriage or relationship breaker for me would be the cheating spouse kind. That's one thing that i would not tolerate nor subject myself to, nor would i do it to someone else.

She'sMyAngel 07-02-2020 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Born (Post 7822734)
Personally, i would second what Mizzy said. A marriage or relationship breaker for me would be the cheating spouse kind. That's one thing that i would not tolerate nor subject myself to, nor would i do it to someone else.

Absolutely. For the record OP, I'm a soft butch and my partner is femme - I don't actually think makes a difference at all in how we treat the people we love. For my partner and I activity outside our relationship is a dealbreaker. I was just making the point that in a womens prison 'family' has many different connotations. You'll find this topic a not so unusual at PTO, the Husbands and Boyfriends forum is chock with excellent advice that's just as relevant. Best of luck

NewAttitude 07-04-2020 01:50 PM

I know things happen in jail. I trust my guy no matter where we are. Our relationship us built on trust, respect and honesty. If someone is gonna cheat, either in prison or out in the streets...they won't tell. Not saying it's ok to cheat in any way. I just know I would not be able to deal with knowing that. Since this pandemic and being in a state that's been on serios lock down, I get the need to have social contact. I've been her all by myself. I wanted to socialize too but having sex with someone else was never a thought. It may be a bit different because we are guys. But I don't think so....����

Visitor611 07-04-2020 09:24 PM

One of these days, people will stop giving excuses for shit behavior. Cheating is a sign of a weakness and a clear indication your relationship is going into the tubes of ruin. There is... limited choices in prison. If they cheat on the inside, and you buy excuses of prison or loneliness or lack of physical contact, bet the farm you'll be a fifth wheel when they come home.

WaitingWilkes 07-22-2020 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Visitor611 (Post 7822890)
One of these days, people will stop giving excuses for shit behavior. Cheating is a sign of a weakness and a clear indication your relationship is going into the tubes of ruin. There is... limited choices in prison. If they cheat on the inside, and you buy excuses of prison or loneliness or lack of physical contact, bet the farm you'll be a fifth wheel when they come home.


Not to be argumentative but "cheating" is what a couple agrees it is. My wife defines our relationship as three separate spaces; her life, my life and our life. We live separate lives because the system makes us. We have no secrets from each other about what we do in our separate lives. Being with others isn't cheating to us.

maytayah 07-22-2020 11:29 AM

I agree relationships come in all shapes and sizes. No one should try and impose their beliefs on others. Some couples have open relationships by choice others are completely monogamous in all situations. Itís up to each couple to agree what will work for them.

WaitingWilkes 08-21-2020 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maytayah (Post 7824040)
I agree relationships come in all shapes and sizes. No one should try and impose their beliefs on others. Some couples have open relationships by choice others are completely monogamous in all situations. Itís up to each couple to agree what will work for them.


Relationships need to be negotiated. Whatever works for a couple id right for them.

Visitor611 08-21-2020 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes (Post 7824034)
Not to be argumentative but "cheating" is what a couple agrees it is. My wife defines our relationship as three separate spaces; her life, my life and our life. We live separate lives because the system makes us. We have no secrets from each other about what we do in our separate lives. Being with others isn't cheating to us.

That's good for you. You're putting a lot of emphasis on what the system makes you do. I choose to not let them. Number of women I've been with in the last 20 years. One. Not feeling you on that comment Wilkes. Sharing intimate feelings with anyone else makes me nauseous. Also, my comment was based on the OPs feelings, which she clearly states she was betrayed and very hurt. Wasn't that the point of this thread? I don't care what couples do in their own relationship, but if you look at past posts, you are in the minority.

WaitingWilkes 08-23-2020 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Visitor611 (Post 7825368)
That's good for you. You're putting a lot of emphasis on what the system makes you do. I choose to not let them. Number of women I've been with in the last 20 years. One. Not feeling you on that comment Wilkes. Sharing intimate feelings with anyone else makes me nauseous. Also, my comment was based on the OPs feelings, which she clearly states she was betrayed and very hurt. Wasn't that the point of this thread? I don't care what couples do in their own relationship, but if you look at past posts, you are in the minority.


We recognize the constraints the system puts us under and do what we can. I don't mind being in the minority. We all have to get along as best we can. I never advocated that anyone else adopt the solution we have. Every couple has to do what works for them.

Visitor611 08-23-2020 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes (Post 7825461)
We recognize the constraints the system puts us under and do what we can. I don't mind being in the minority. We all have to get along as best we can. I never advocated that anyone else adopt the solution we have. Every couple has to do what works for them.

Your comment absolutely was directed at me because you felt some type of way on my own opinion what a marriage should be. Share yourself with 30 people. Why would I care? If giving a piece of yourself to other people floats your boat, by all means, float away. I'm going to guess the person who created this thread whole heartedly disagrees.

Born 08-23-2020 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Visitor611 (Post 7825490)
Your comment absolutely was directed at me because you felt some type of way on my own opinion what a marriage should be. Share yourself with 30 people. Why would I care? If giving a piece of yourself to other people floats your boat, by all means, float away. I'm going to guess the person who created this thread whole heartedly disagrees.



I don't understand why you would be upset? Wilks comments would only reflect upon him and the type of relationship that he has with his wife. Personally I could never cheat on my husband and know that he would never cheat on me either. I have been married before my husband and the man i was married to cheated on me. I came home sick one afternoon and caught him in bed with another woman having sex. I divorced him. I made it clear to my current husband that if i caught him doing the same that i would divorce him too regardless of how much i loved him. My current husbands ex wife was also cheating on him and having sex with any man she could get her hands on, he divorced her for the same reasons. So deep down in my heart of hearts i know that my husband and I would never cheat on oneanother. We've been through the hurt and heartache that cheating does to a relationship that we would never put our own marriage in jeopardy of such. Don't get mad at him, don't get upset at him. He's only doing what works for him and what he and his wife have agreed on. You're a proud man who loves his wife too deeply and respects her enough not to hurt her in this way. I understand that because I'm like you. I love and respect my husband too much to ever hurt him and i would never be a hypocrite and do to him what was done to me in the past.

Born 08-23-2020 05:20 PM

Visitor,


I forgot to mention. because of the cheating and trust issues related with cheating it's taken me twenty years to be able to trust and love another man. And i take my marriage seriously. I'm not making excuses for wilks nor would i want to. I'm just learning that everyone's different. and in saying that i'm not a conformist and would never do anything to hurt my husband. I would rather be celibate and faithful then go out and have sex with strangers and jeopardize my marriage.

Visitor611 08-23-2020 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Born (Post 7825498)
Visitor,


I forgot to mention. because of the cheating and trust issues related with cheating it's taken me twenty years to be able to trust and love another man. And i take my marriage seriously. I'm not making excuses for wilks nor would i want to. I'm just learning that everyone's different. and in saying that i'm not a conformist and would never do anything to hurt my husband. I would rather be celibate and faithful then go out and have sex with strangers and jeopardize my marriage.

There wasn't any reference in this thread that was asking for opinions on what is considered cheating. How many hundreds of people that have come and gone on here had their insides ripped out when they found out their LO was involved with someone else. The worst thing we do, is give people excuses for getting treated badly in the name of "love". How much worse can it get for us on the outside? They can't keep their shit together inside a prison? We aren't good enough for those people to not have sex with another inmate or CO? OP was devastated. Thus my responses. It happens ALL THE TIME here. That response with underlines words and passive aggressive "not to be argumentative" was unnecessary. Wilkes relationship workings wasnt the topic. Don't need to defend something when it wasn't under attack.

Born 08-24-2020 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Visitor611 (Post 7825532)
There wasn't any reference in this thread that was asking for opinions on what is considered cheating. How many hundreds of people that have come and gone on here had their insides ripped out when they found out their LO was involved with someone else. The worst thing we do, is give people excuses for getting treated badly in the name of "love". How much worse can it get for us on the outside? They can't keep their shit together inside a prison? We aren't good enough for those people to not have sex with another inmate or CO? OP was devastated. Thus my responses. It happens ALL THE TIME here. That response with underlines words and passive aggressive "not to be argumentative" was unnecessary. Wilkes relationship workings wasnt the topic. Don't need to defend something when it wasn't under attack.


From the way i read your last response to him I was under the impression that you took it as a personal attack. I didn't see it that way so i commented, excuse me if i miss read.


And regarding prisoners having sex or extra marital relationships in prison just because they're locked up is no excuse. If they're married then they're married. If they no longer wish to be faithful then they should say so and get a divorce. There shouldn't be any excuses if you're married to cheat. Prison or no prison.

onedayatatime13 08-24-2020 06:37 AM

OP I am very sorry for what has happened. At the end of the day, it is what you consider cheating and what decisions you have made as a couple. cheating happens inside and outside of prison.

I know you're partly looking for excuses to excuse the behavior and the other part of you feels it is so wrong. I am guessing you were accused of over reacting or they may have given you the it is so hard speech etc.

Only you can decide what you can live with. You may need to reframe your relationship if you feel it is worth holding on too, but remember it is a 2 way street. One is good for one is good for the other.

If this is a betrayal you cannot move passed, then you need to rethink the relationship. Don't feel guilty if you disagree with it.

WaitingWilkes 08-24-2020 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Visitor611 (Post 7825490)
Your comment absolutely was directed at me because you felt some type of way on my own opinion what a marriage should be. Share yourself with 30 people. Why would I care? If giving a piece of yourself to other people floats your boat, by all means, float away. I'm going to guess the person who created this thread whole heartedly disagrees.


I'm sorry you took anything I wrote as criticism. Each of us individually and as part a couple should do what works for us. I have the greatest respect for outmates like you who remain celibate while their LO is locked up. I think it's admirable and demonstrates a lot of character. I was celibate for years while our appeals ground on and for a year after the final one was denied. My wife completely froze me out during that year - she refused visits, returned my letters unopened and refused to call me - in an attempt to drive me away "so I could have a life." She relented and let me back into hers when she was sure I intended to continue to be with her. It was she who suggested that I "date," with some considerations. PTO exists to facilitate exchanging and discussing ideas. I apologize to you and anyone else who may be offended by my sharing our arrangement.

Visitor611 08-24-2020 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes (Post 7825601)
I'm sorry you took anything I wrote as criticism. Each of us individually and as part a couple should do what works for us. I have the greatest respect for outmates like you who remain celibate while their LO is locked up. I think it's admirable and demonstrates a lot of character. I was celibate for years while our appeals ground on and for a year after the final one was denied. My wife completely froze me out during that year - she refused visits, returned my letters unopened and refused to call me - in an attempt to drive me away "so I could have a life." She relented and let me back into hers when she was sure I intended to continue to be with her. It was she who suggested that I "date," with some considerations. PTO exists to facilitate exchanging and discussing ideas. I apologize to you and anyone else who may be offended by my sharing our arrangement.

Do what works for you Wilkes. We all have our own plan on how to get to the end of this hell. Personally, I wouldn't consider doing what you do, but doesn't mean it's wrong! I didn't understand why you brought it up and called me out for it. My comment wasn't some sort of proclamation that our way was the only way.

WaitingWilkes 08-25-2020 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Visitor611 (Post 7825651)
Do what works for you Wilkes. We all have our own plan on how to get to the end of this hell. Personally, I wouldn't consider doing what you do, but doesn't mean it's wrong! I didn't understand why you brought it up and called me out for it. My comment wasn't some sort of proclamation that our way was the only way.


I apologize for appearing to call you out. I wasn't trying to do that. We're all trying to get through it as best we can.


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