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-   -   Is he just using you? (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=511166)

Blessed817 06-29-2013 04:55 PM

if he is using me guess it would be for emails/letters?? lol I dont put $$ on his books, and when I do visit, I ride with his parents...but serious, no, I know he is not using me. We would never put our families through "this" if we weren't in it 1000% Plus we have kids involved, you'd have to be a pretty shitty parent to get your kids involved in a relationship knowing your "using" that person for one reason or another. Because in the end, its the kids who suffer.

Tx_Angel 06-29-2013 05:11 PM

I used to ponder this exact scenario, although like many have stated above ... I do what I do when I can & because I want to. With that being said, I read an amazing post by "Scott" in another thread that washed away all the unnecessary pondering.

In every relationship we use one another, no matter what, no matter the type of relationship. The question we need to ask ourselves is, Are we being taken advantage of?? Honestly, my answer to THAT question is NO! Therefore, I am confident in our relationship & refuse to waste anymore "pondering" with this question. :giggle: I'd rather spend time loving him & living in the NOW....

Just my thoughts??? :D

jazminy26 06-29-2013 09:42 PM

I don't think he is using me just received a letter from him Friday, telling me to bare with him because he don't have it like that he use to have it like that when he did tattoos ...so it maybe days where he want be able to call me or write me... he told me not to worry about him that he got it and he ain't all about a woman taking care of him...he told me he surviving tho and he can't wait to get out to catch up on old times...

Lovie610 07-01-2013 06:36 PM

I think that in when we discus our relationships with some people that will be the first reaction. Some people will try to feed you negativity but it is up to us to follow our hearts.

In my case I have been through the fire with my so to be hubby and we have come up with this this great word UNBREAKABLE, we allow nothing and no one come between us as a family. We communicate about everything, and when I say everything it mean EVERYTHING. At present the only problem my man and I have it not being physically together but we are firmly to together in every other.

Follow your heart and listen to you intuition they never lead you wrong.:)

whiskeygirl1981 08-16-2013 02:43 PM

I honestly do not feel like he is using me, as the only thing he has ever asked me is to be loyal and honest. He does not even want me to put money on his books and matter of fact i did and he was upset that i did.

Papi'sgirl 10-25-2013 09:04 AM

I agree with that! but oh so good!!!!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q (Post 5755499)
No, I don't believe he is using me.

However, I am using him. Mainly for expensive phone sex.

:shrug:

I agree with that! but oh so good!!!!:boogie:

Heather38 10-28-2013 04:35 AM

Feeling somewhat used
 
I write 2-3 letters a week and no response. I know he doesn't get any money that is sent to him, just his $5 state pay because he owes money. It has been 27 days since the last phone call. He says it is real hard to get on the phone. I drive 3 1/2 hours twice a month to see him and he acts all loving and says he loves me very very very much, but I just wonder. He doesn't ask me for anything. Money or anything. I just really don't know what to think and neither does his mother. She doesn't get any calls either though.

HarlemsHart 10-30-2013 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather38 (Post 7243743)
I write 2-3 letters a week and no response. I know he doesn't get any money that is sent to him, just his $5 state pay because he owes money. It has been 27 days since the last phone call. He says it is real hard to get on the phone. I drive 3 1/2 hours twice a month to see him and he acts all loving and says he loves me very very very much, but I just wonder. He doesn't ask me for anything. Money or anything. I just really don't know what to think and neither does his mother. She doesn't get any calls either though.

Maybe he's down & out and doesn't feel like asking or doesn't have money to call. Does he have envelopes, etc.?

Miss_A 10-30-2013 06:32 PM

Is he just using me? Uh, shyeah! :shrug:

marmeenoir 11-10-2013 02:41 PM

Everyone uses everyone to a certain extent. If we didn't there would be no need for bonds with other human beings. Emotionally, mentally pyshically and then the "ugly" uses, money, objects and items.
With that said, no I do not believe my guy is using me for anything ugly. He never really asks for money or securpaks.The few dollars I do send him he has used to jpay me, call me, write me and that's about it. His mother paid for his TV, shoes, clothes and etc.
Besides everything he's told and shared with me, I've always found out to be 100% true.

Shayvalleygirl 02-03-2014 10:32 PM

I never questioned if he was using me.. My friends and family did that for me.. So of course I brought this up to him. And it certainly put a strain on our relationship...

After many, many arguments... And being on the brink of breaking up.. I chose to believe that he loves me. And damn it feels good..

Shay

ilovets13 02-11-2014 08:14 AM

final fuck over
 
Well, I thought yesterday that my man was going to come home to me and be excited to see me and tell me that we finally made it through. I had gone the last year supporting, loving, and caring for him. I sent him money, naughty pictures, letters, and paid for more than enough phone time, and answered everytime he called. I know for a fact that I tried my best.

Well February 10th came around, the day ive been worshiping for so long...

I got up early, did my routine, and then I sat down and watch netflix movies. One movie turned into another... and another...still no call.

It wasnt until 7 pm that I look on the doc website to see he was released to the same county as his old case worker---the one he had a romantic relationship with and who he told me he stopped talking to especially since I threateed to report her--
She is the only person he knows in that town/county/part of the state.
Its the next morning, still no call, and no sign.


Nonetheless, im shocked, afraid, confused, and absolutely horrified considering the one person I loved and trusted and centered my whole life around has literally just poofed out of my life.

All that talk about babies, marriage, and a wonderful life together just disappeared.




Thats all I can say for now. Im too distraught.

Thank you ladies for your support.
Bethany

btwcm 02-11-2014 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovets13 (Post 7290377)
Well, I thought yesterday that my man was going to come home to me and be excited to see me and tell me that we finally made it through. I had gone the last year supporting, loving, and caring for him. I sent him money, naughty pictures, letters, and paid for more than enough phone time, and answered everytime he called. I know for a fact that I tried my best.

Well February 10th came around, the day ive been worshiping for so long...

I got up early, did my routine, and then I sat down and watch netflix movies. One movie turned into another... and another...still no call.

It wasnt until 7 pm that I look on the doc website to see he was released to the same county as his old case worker---the one he had a romantic relationship with and who he told me he stopped talking to especially since I threateed to report her--
She is the only person he knows in that town/county/part of the state.
Its the next morning, still no call, and no sign.


Nonetheless, im shocked, afraid, confused, and absolutely horrified considering the one person I loved and trusted and centered my whole life around has literally just poofed out of my life.

All that talk about babies, marriage, and a wonderful life together just disappeared.




Thats all I can say for now. Im too distraught.

Thank you ladies for your support.
Bethany

Wow, that's beyond words. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you're going through. As hard as it must be, at least you found out before he could come back into your life and wreak even more chaos and havoc, since he clearly isn't a reformed man.

Mikes Bestie 02-12-2014 10:52 AM

Oh my, that is unreal. I'm so sorry :/ It's such a sad reality that this happens. People really have a lot of nerve! Hang in there, you're obviously better off

lilnewttx 02-12-2014 10:55 AM

yep pretty sure I am out of the picture
 
we were together for 7 yrs when an ex high school chick decided to jump into the picture. He started seeing her, but then said no I was for sure the one, but now since he is locked up it seems I am the only one he can contact, who writes everyday and who takes her weekends to see him. Do I feel he appreciates it all? hummm no but its better than nothing at all is how I am thinking he feels =( its a mess for sure!!
Quote:

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5755387)
I know that some of you ladies have been with your man before he got locked up, but some of you haven't. Do any of you ever feel like you're being used? I have talked with a few inmates and they point out the women they call "fools" because they are being used & when they leave, another girl comes to see the same man. I don't think that is right to do somebody like that. Are you being used? Are you spending your time loving someone that has no intentions on being true to you? It's just a question...

I just don't feel that people should be naive, but sometimes we are. I have talked with a few women that feels like their man is just using them and I hate it for them because they are good women.


JustInLove2013 02-12-2014 12:08 PM

Quote:

It wasnt until 7 pm that I look on the doc website to see he was released to the same county as his old case worker---the one he had a romantic relationship with and who he told me he stopped talking to especially since I threatened to report her
Wait, you had to threaten to report this woman in order for him to stop talking to her? And then he *told you* he was no longer in contact with her, even though he probably still was? Hun, I think you're better off. He seems like he'd been disrespectful of you already. How long did you know him before he was locked up? I can't imagine feeling used by my fiance. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Kristilynn 02-20-2014 02:50 PM

Fool 4 Love
 
I guess when I told my ABF of 3 yrs. that I wouldn't support him in jail he turned to the woman he had cheated on me with in rehab for support. Either way,I relapsed and sent him clothes and $ (once again;()only too I find out a couple days ago they were writing each other and she was going to visit him. Honestly made me so angry. Feel foolish. On the bright side I can use this too move on. I also know when it doesn't work out with her he will try and call me again so I must change my number if I want the emotional abuse to stop. I'm sure I am not alone just feel angry,betrayed and hurt. YET they could be all lies, who knows?!! But I'm tired of games and pain. I really hope I find the inner strength to end it.

Sajia 02-22-2014 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5755387)
I know that some of you ladies have been with your man before he got locked up, but some of you haven't. Do any of you ever feel like you're being used? I have talked with a few inmates and they point out the women they call "fools" because they are being used & when they leave, another girl comes to see the same man. I don't think that is right to do somebody like that. Are you being used? Are you spending your time loving someone that has no intentions on being true to you? It's just a question...

I just don't feel that people should be naive, but sometimes we are. I have talked with a few women that feels like their man is just using them and I hate it for them because they are good women.


That I must admit is a great question !!! I have thought about and still do to this day .And I think it is cause I MWI and I have not yet been to see him . I worry about this cause this to be honest is my first time writing to a PP. And after reading some of the posts I wont say that that hasn't crossed my mine . But I believe I have enough common sense to know if he was . And it is not I don't have a life in the free world . I try very hard to live my life and also be there for him . But I can honestly say once I look him in the eyes I am going to know if he is being real .

aab1209 03-10-2014 10:19 AM

i don't think he is using me. it has crossed my mind. but like several ladies said on this thread. i am a very strong, independent women. it would def hurt me to find out that he was using me but knowing that im doing it cause i love him and not because i need him or anything from him economically will hopefully give me the strength to not let it affect me. i do for me, my kids and even him with no help and regardless if he is using me i am very proud to say it just like that. lol

cadgirl7383 03-25-2014 09:50 PM

I believe being "strong", does not make us invulnerable to hurt , nor immune to manipulation. I'm sure there are a lot of smart, independent women who've must have been used or mistreated at some point in their lives. Otherwise, how would they know?? I've questioned it at times, because it's happened to me, if my boyfriend could be running a game. But it isn't because of him, but rather my own past experiences.. What's important is knowing whatever the case maybe, i'll be ok.. I hope you ladies know that as well .. Whatever the outcome, you'll be ok ...

charok1 04-14-2014 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovets13 (Post 7290377)
Well, I thought yesterday that my man was going to come home to me and be excited to see me and tell me that we finally made it through. I had gone the last year supporting, loving, and caring for him. I sent him money, naughty pictures, letters, and paid for more than enough phone time, and answered everytime he called. I know for a fact that I tried my best.

Well February 10th came around, the day ive been worshiping for so long...

I got up early, did my routine, and then I sat down and watch netflix movies. One movie turned into another... and another...still no call.

It wasnt until 7 pm that I look on the doc website to see he was released to the same county as his old case worker---the one he had a romantic relationship with and who he told me he stopped talking to especially since I threateed to report her--
She is the only person he knows in that town/county/part of the state.
Its the next morning, still no call, and no sign.


Nonetheless, im shocked, afraid, confused, and absolutely horrified considering the one person I loved and trusted and centered my whole life around has literally just poofed out of my life.

All that talk about babies, marriage, and a wonderful life together just disappeared.




Thats all I can say for now. Im too distraught.

Thank you ladies for your support.
Bethany

omg i too am so sorry you went thru all of this!
..we do all the right things, the letters, the calls, the $ on books, the visits, ect...and yes alot of us do this because we WANT to and because we love them! some people do get the "happy reunion" once their LO gets to come home. some unfortunately do not and get used :( i am sorry for your obvious heartbreak and distraught. you deserved better than that.

Cocosurviving 04-21-2014 08:06 PM

I've known my bf since I was a teenager. In my early twenties
we were real close. He started getting bids ands I moved out of
state (12 yrs). We lost contact because of this. I moved back and
just returned back into the system again, another bid. He was actually
in county and we picked up were we left off. I found him. I sent him
money on my own twice, very small amts $30. He's on a yard now and
has only asked for money twice $50. He also asked from his family too.
I did find myself wondering a few times until he had me come to county
and pick up all his legal records. My bf trust me out of all the ppl he know
to keep his legal records than have all his court transcripts. It meant
a lot to me bc he has trust issues.

Real Checker 05-04-2014 12:02 AM

i am male and not in prison so I am not going to participate in the poll, but I would like to give my perspective in one regard. There is a big difference to me between being used and being "lead-on". I draw from my experience as an adolescent. In high school my father own a small chain of restaurants and so I had an job, car, and a lot of money unlike many high school kids back then (were talking mid '70's).

I had a boat load of girlfriends who used me because I had a nice ride and could spend money on them. They were using me and I knew it, but there was a mutual benefit because I enjoyed their company and they at least acted like they enjoyed mine. I was mature enough to know if I didn't have a car I wouldn't have the girl and I didn't care.

Finally I met a girl I REALLY liked, and wanted more than just companionship. She knew it, it was obvious. So she lead me on. She allowed me to believe there was a long term relationship going on and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. At first I heard rumors she was going out with other guys, then I confirmed it and I was hurt. If she had not lead me to believe there was more there than a mutual benefit it would not have been so bad. But it was hard.

My question might not be so much if I am being used, but whether I am being lead to believe my relationship is other than what I am being told. I would be willing to give an incarcerated girl all the money she wants and not worry about being used, but if I was told there was a future and the whole time her intention is to ditch me when she gets out then I would be devastated. Being used and being lead-on, there is a difference.

one4blackberry 05-14-2014 02:40 PM



Anyone can be used, not just in situations in which two knew each other before hand or met after the fact.

I HAD the same concerns with the man that I was dating, who is now my husband. He came home in October of 2013. I had never dated anyone in prison before and had no idea what to look for. I also had those fears because I recall visiting him. I was in SC and he was in MS. The visits were Friday through Sunday so naturally you got to see the same faces, and some of the familiar faces were of inmates but different women that they were all affectionate women. There were certain couples that I recall seeing and my husband and I discussed that were clearly mismatched, and confirmed by my husband to be inmate playmates.

Anyhow during those visits he pointed out how it can be recognized IF a man was playing a situation to his advantage without true regard to the women.

#1: He pointed out that most of the people that we saw had been in prison for several years. He was in the federal system, so state may be different. He was also in a low facility level so that might have made a difference as well, but someone that is serious minded about making it outside of prison would be working while in prison. In other words, someone that has true intentions would have secured some sort of job to take care of their basic needs. If you find that you are constantly having to send money, then there may be a reason for concern. My husband came home and gave me his debit card which had 2,000.00 while that isn't much to us, its is everything to them. He also sent me money to assist with travel expenses when I went to visit him. I had to do very little for my husband while he was finishing his bid.
#2: If your mate is true to you, then you shouldn't have to schedule your visits by letting him know which days/hours etc. you will be there. I traveled over 10 hours to see my husband and several of those were surprise visits. If you find that he discourages your visits, there may be a reason to be concerned.
#3: "LISTEN" and more than likely your heart will direct your route...if there are red flags don't ignore them, take note and proceed with caution. There is a lot of bad over clouding good situations.

While on visit, I met a woman that knew her friend for over five years prior to his going in and he was on year 8 of his 17 year bid. She sent him money faithfully and visited him from ATL to MS every weekend, paying for hotels, gas, car rentals and even losing wages...this guy WORKED, yet she sent him money FAITHFULLY...$50 Per week....MORE than enough to support his basics along with someone else, plus he worked and received a monthly salary. She and I became friends after that visit and she confided this information to me and then went further to say that he advised her that he didn't want to be in a relationship with her that he considers her to be a good friend. YET he kissed her everyday on visit. She knew HIM beforehand yet he was not only using her BUT also confusing her. There were signals because she would mention how he hadn't emailed her or called her for several days. Yet I was in communication with my husband and they were in the same unit. Again there are indicators when something isn't right...we just have to open our eyes, ears, and hearts to receive them. My husband also mentioned that he spoke with the guy and it was revealed that he has known her a long time but she was there simply to help pass the time. She was not a woman that he would have dated and she even mentioned this to me in communication.

At the end of the day, if my husband treated me badly or treated me as if I were a thing that could casually be tossed away while he was in prison, I would have walked.....We on the outside make sacrifices in order to keep the relationship grounded. In my case, I am ever so grateful that I waited and stuck by him because EVERYTHING that he promised while we dated not only showed in his treatment of me, leaving me without any room for doubt after he came home.

one4blackberry 05-14-2014 02:51 PM

Hang In There
 
Hey Bethany...I am so sorry that this has happened to you. What a HORRIBLE thing for him to have done. The only good in this is that life would have been or could have been worse if he came home you. You deserve better, so much better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovets13 (Post 7290377)
Well, I thought yesterday that my man was going to come home to me and be excited to see me and tell me that we finally made it through. I had gone the last year supporting, loving, and caring for him. I sent him money, naughty pictures, letters, and paid for more than enough phone time, and answered everytime he called. I know for a fact that I tried my best.

Well February 10th came around, the day ive been worshiping for so long...

I got up early, did my routine, and then I sat down and watch netflix movies. One movie turned into another... and another...still no call.

It wasnt until 7 pm that I look on the doc website to see he was released to the same county as his old case worker---the one he had a romantic relationship with and who he told me he stopped talking to especially since I threateed to report her--
She is the only person he knows in that town/county/part of the state.
Its the next morning, still no call, and no sign.


Nonetheless, im shocked, afraid, confused, and absolutely horrified considering the one person I loved and trusted and centered my whole life around has literally just poofed out of my life.

All that talk about babies, marriage, and a wonderful life together just disappeared.




Thats all I can say for now. Im too distraught.

Thank you ladies for your support.
Bethany



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