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-   -   Is he just using you? (

Hismamabear0711 01-12-2012 11:35 PM

He cant use me because I don't pit money on his books or anything like that.

Iamjustagirl 01-12-2012 11:41 PM


Originally Posted by Hismamabear0711
He cant use me because I don't pit money on his books or anything like that.

You can be used for visits, conversation, favors, companionship

xmyheart 01-13-2012 01:04 AM

He is definitely using me to make his heart feel good but I get that back in return. I guess we break even.

NJ2011 01-15-2012 09:06 AM

Definitely not. No doubt about it! I'm confident in us. The way he talks to me may be prison talk for others but that's how he's always talked to me before he was arrested. He's a real man and sweet. Why I love him.

Bladyluck 01-16-2012 04:31 AM


Originally Posted by Mz Pickens
No I do not believe I am being used. I love my man and I always stated that anything I do for him is because I care for him and would never want to see him do bad. I am his friend first and his women second. Everything I do is from my heart so I will never feel like I was being used. If he got out tomorrow and it didn't work I would be o.k because I will still receive my blessings for being by his side.

Well said - this is how I feel too! Many people are quick to say - what if he leaves after he gets out? If that happens so be it - I gave him support as his friend when he needed it and with the fact that I cared for him - and if what we have only gets better - than that's the greatest gift ever - I'm willing to take that chance :)

HarlemsHart 04-04-2013 02:59 PM

No I don't feel that way, he sends me money & vice versa. If we need help, we help each other. He is genuinely concerned about me, so I don't feel that way.

BabyGirl3262 04-04-2013 07:52 PM

I was with my fiancÚ for a few months before he went in. When he went in, I paid for his lawyer, keep money on the phone and order him $100 a week in canteen. It gets Annoying sometimes having to discuss money and whatnot, but most of the time we talk about our relationship, our future and whatnot.... I don't feel he is using me, although I'm sure my taking care of him is a perk to the relationship! LOL! However, I don't feel he is With me for money. If I were in jail, I would want him to take care of me too. Jail sucks. I spent 3 and a half months there last year and even with $100 of canteen a week, it's still Terrible. Anyways, No I don't feel he is using me, but I've got to wonder if some of the men who meet women through pen pal sites and whatnot are using their women. I'm sure this is not the case All of the time ... I think, in a relationship, both people "use" each other for Something. As long as it is balanced, it's healthy.

MattsPooh 04-06-2013 07:17 PM

Yes at first I did feel used

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5755387)
I know that some of you ladies have been with your man before he got locked up, but some of you haven't. Do any of you ever feel like you're being used? I have talked with a few inmates and they point out the women they call "fools" because they are being used & when they leave, another girl comes to see the same man. I don't think that is right to do somebody like that. Are you being used? Are you spending your time loving someone that has no intentions on being true to you? It's just a question...

I just don't feel that people should be naive, but sometimes we are. I have talked with a few women that feels like their man is just using them and I hate it for them because they are good women.

Because of the circumstance. He was suppose to move to Ky a year before he got locked up and but his wife used the kids to get him to stay. When he went to prison she sent him a letter asking for a divorce because she had found someone new. (karma) I felt sorry for him and wrote him a letter. because he has no family support. So yes at first I did think that all his "love" was coming from needing food and some company. I do every now and then feel like a fool but we have been friends for over 30yrs and even if the "love" part doesnt work conscious is clear, and my heart is hopeful. :)

nschramm08 04-06-2013 10:39 PM

Sometimes I think that he is but then other times when I actually talk to him or get a letter from him all those thoughts go away. I believe that he "uses" me for love and support not for the other reasons. To be honest, he worries about me more than himself. Then I start worrying about him and send him things that he didn't even ask for. That I know will put a smile on his face and a feeling in his heart that he truly has someone who still cares for him. We both "use" each other in one way or another but of course the intentions of doing so is with love and support! :)

muffin27 04-07-2013 10:02 AM

No I don't think my man is using me. Unless its just for letters & visits because I have kids to take care of so I only send him $20/month.... His family sends him money thank the Lord for canteen because I know he needs it. Anyways, if anything our relationship has gotten stronger, we are both opening up about how we feel about stuff we never talked about before. His sister called when she got a letter from him talkin about me, he said that he hadn't realized how much I meant to him & how much he loved me. He said he never wanted to screw our relationship up again by messing up.

thebigpickle 04-08-2013 04:58 AM

No I don't think he is using me. I send him money for calls (debit minutes) and he uses all of them on me - yes, I did the math a few times, to make sure! He also pushes me to get a phone account so that I don't have to send him money at all, just top up the phone with minutes on my own. So in terms of money, no he is not using me.

For other reasons, I don't know. I only visit 3-4 times a year. I only send him books, or magazines for his birthday (and I chose to do that, he doesn't ask). So...I don't if he is using me. He could be for companionship, as he is a lifer, but I don't really see that as a bad thing. I get out of it as much as he does.

raysbabyg 04-08-2013 06:14 AM

I have been with Ray 13 years and we have a son together. But deep down inside I always have that fear. He has never given me a reason to think this... its my own insecurity. I send him a package 1-2 times a year and usually on Valentines Day and in Oct for his Birthday. He works inside doesnt have alot of $ but I do not spoil him with $ either. I have to limit phone calls. He does ask for stamps or books when I get a chance or have the money, but understands when I say "cant do it this week or month" I dont like him to ask...I love to surprise him though. I love him and like doing for him but I do not go overboard.

ljcinnamon 04-08-2013 02:00 PM

I am the independent and older one (he's 28, I'm 40) in the relationship. We lived together for 5 months before he violated and he's been gone for 6 weeks now. Even before he went to jail, it has been something tugging the back of my mind because he had nothing to offer financially and did nothing about it. So now that he's in jail, now he needs me even more and if it wasn't for the love I did feel coming from him when we lived together, I wouldn't feel so confused now myself. He doesn't reassure me as much as I need to feel like he isn't using me. Only when he knows I'm getting distant he writes me detailed letters. who knows?

lrhf1 04-21-2013 06:04 AM


Originally Posted by Rejoice. . . (Post 5755429)
Lol! I'll answer. I was with my husband before he went away, not that that matters. No, I don't think he's using me.

I have to admit. Even though I was with him before he went in..I did for a split second ask myself if he was doing that. I have known him since we were children. We grew up together and dated in Jr high and High. We have been best friends for more than 30 years. We lost contact for about 10 years and reconnected and became much much more than just best friends. I guess my point to this is..Even with all that being said I questioned if he may be using me. He has burned so many bridges with everyone else in his life and I am still here. We are only human. So yes I did question it and even went as far as to ask him if he was. Of course he said he wasn't. I guess only time will tell. I do want to add that this website and reading everyones posts have really helped me. I am new to all of this.

lrhf1 04-21-2013 07:49 AM


Originally Posted by ChaplainJohn (Post 5755823)
I would like to ad to your comment if I may, yes many of times I have seen the relationships between a couple grow stronger when the man is incarcerated. Mostly because, (I think) that when the man is cut off from physical contact with his mate, his emotional relationship over-compensates for this. This allows him to more freely share his heart and be more open about doing so. (a real problem for a lot of us men) So ladies, if you reconize this, tell him. He'll learn just how important it is for the you to hear his heart and he'll learn that he needs to do this as well.
Just thank us for being so open. :)

Thank you thank you thank you for posting that. It helped to me to see that. I think that is what is happening right now with me. Im enjoying every minute of it. Again I say thank you.

nomireatras 04-21-2013 08:01 AM

More than likely he is but then again I am using him as well. He is my fantasy escape from reality and just like you pay admission to Disney as a way to leave your daily life behind, I pay for admission to "our" world for the same reason. He doesn't see it this way but it is my money, my energy, my time and I can do with my money as I see fit. If we are using each other, then it is with an open mind and and a combined will. We are grown and able to make our own decisions and if our decision is not a readily accepted one by the rest of society, then so be it. Don't be so hard on yourselves, enjoy what you have together.

Waitil723 04-26-2013 05:15 PM

Even though me and MWI haven't been together that long, I don't think he is using me. He always tells me he misses me all the time, he calls me all the time, he offered to give ME money that he's been saving up from work-release, he sends me pictures of his daughter, we talk about our future, he's never asked me to send him anything or do anything except stay single for him (he release in July). He's pretty sincere and he's almost out anyways so he really doesn't have to deal with me for "necessity" if he wasn't really serious about making something happen between us. So for those reasons, I trust him that he's not using me.

JShep11711 04-27-2013 07:52 AM

...I mean in ALL ACTUALITY I can't say yay or nay. Guess we'll find out once he's released.

NE2OH 04-27-2013 09:14 AM

I highly doubt he is using me for anything except an escape from inside. We are a new relationship and I could be blinded but I don't think so. We talk on the phone at least 5 times throughout the day, usually it's 8-9. Thankfully our calls are only $1, and we trade back and forth putting money on the phone account. His mom takes care of all his expenses so I'm very thankful for that. She wasn't too keen on the idea of him having a girl originally (she wants him to become religious and focus on that) but she's sent him plenty of pics of himself before he went inside just for me to have. He also gave her my phone number in case she needs to get ahold of him in an emergency because they only talk once a week so she's coming around. Plus he writes me and has made me very pretty artwork. If he has time to talk to another female in his day that's his deal but I don't think that's likely. He'd call me every waking minute if I let him :)

Deirdre13 04-30-2013 12:01 PM


Originally Posted by JShep11711 (Post 7130427)
...I mean in ALL ACTUALITY I can't say yay or nay. Guess we'll find out once he's released.

i don't think mine is but then he could be... i think Jshep has the truest statement here in this thread. no one will know whether they are being used for money,companionship,conjugal visits,phone calls or what ever until the man or woman gets out. there are a lot of apparently strong and solid MWI relationships that end up in the 'when the relationship' is over forum.i'm sure none of them ever thought that THEY would be in that forum.

nautica80 05-26-2013 09:09 PM

One never know
I think ya question is a good question to ask. One never know if they are been played by an inmate that they love. All we can do is pray that we are not getting played, but at the same time we should not just put our life on hold, on a what if. My man is getting out in about 3 more years. Now I just found out last year in Sept that he was in prison, so I started to write him. We been talking ever since then. I knew him before he got lock up, but it still do not matter. I do not put anything pass a man. With all this been said, I think we woman should continue to live our life, until our mans get out. Not saying that we should sleep with everyone, but have a plan B, if plan A does not work out. Thats my thought.

MzStackz 06-09-2013 05:26 PM

If he was that type of person I would not be dealing with him. We all use ppl from time to time to get whatever is needed but I can't see him doing it knowing he will have to answer to me when he gets out. We keep things open and honest no matter what or how it hurts, but it gives us the option to decide what to and not to do.

Rogerswifey 06-09-2013 06:33 PM

I watched an episode of lock up where they showed a MWI couple getting married. On a follow up episode, they showed that they were divorced a few months after his release. He did admit on the follow up episode that he was using her for money. I think there is no way to be absolutely 100% sure, but no I don't think my babe is using me. I don't see him doing that to me.

pookiepoo 06-09-2013 06:42 PM

well seeing as how my babe gets upset when i even send $20 and tells me he is thankful but would rather i spend it on myself i can honestly say no. my love is not and would not ever use me.

Rogerswifey 06-09-2013 06:52 PM


Originally Posted by pookiepoo (Post 7160944)
well seeing as how my babe gets upset when i even send $20 and tells me he is thankful but would rather i spend it on myself i can honestly say no. my love is not and would not ever use me.

My baby does that too sometimes. He would tell me not to send him anything and I would anyway and he would call me say that he see that I was being hard headed! lol. He is adamant that I take care of home first before i send him anything.

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