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-   -   Is he just using you? (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=511166)

nutmeg718 03-31-2011 07:37 AM

My fiance and I 1st met back in '83 when I was eight. We are each others 1st love. He got in contact w/my sister in '04 and has been pursuing me since. We reunited last November, and we're back in love. Maybe he never got over me.

He isn't using me. He never ask me for money, only for my love & devotion. His family knows me as his wife. His mother refers to me as her daughter in law. He can use me to support him emotionally, to be by his side while he completes his bid.

waiting415years 03-31-2011 08:25 AM

I was with my husband before he went in. I hope that I am not getting used but, many woman find out after it is over and the men get back on thier feet, they leave and don't look back.

Ever heard of Jenifer Hyatt?

breeziegal 04-02-2011 01:29 AM

Being Real
 
Geez who wants to imagine being used. Its a tough call. I honestly dont feel I'm being used but I do feel I'm not appreciated in the way I should be. This isnt our first rodeo. Its either me locked up or him. We have a 4 year old daughter and just havent gotten our crap together. The difference is when I was down I made the necessary changes before being released so I could be a better gf, mother person. He didnt write, didnt send money ( but I didnt suffer ), he didnt take care of anything. He just passed the time until I was home. Sad. Will never know if he was faithful but stories are out there. When he's locked up I'm doing it all. Sending money, phone calls, letters and being true while taking care of our daughter. I get the love letters the promises everything. But so far its just storytime. He's released and back to square one. He does the same shit and back he goes. Its easier to deal with a locked up boyfriend then a free one. How sad is that. Not living at all. But how can you leave someone at the worst time of their life. I figure for the sake of our daughter if I show him strength and support he can be who I know he can be. Its iffy. If I treated him as he did me then I'm not any different. I only know how I wanted to be treated and I follow that guideline. When is enough enough? I dont know but for now I get words.:rolleyes:

LeStrange 04-12-2011 06:32 PM

He doesn't ask me for anything so no. BUT he doesn't have to just use you person financial or material things.

QAngel 04-12-2011 06:36 PM

There are guys that use woman. For all the things stated. My man, and I wasn't in a relationship before he was locked up. We only dated here, and there. I got prego, and I knew that he wasn't going to leave the streets, for me, or a baby. He has no kids. I lost the baby around 3months in. I never told him about the baby nor, my feelings for him. Years went by, and he contacted me. He had a girlfriend, so I respected that. He always stated that he wanted to leave her cause she wasn't the type of girl he should be with. He wanted to change his life around. Being with her wasn't going help the situation. He would call me 4 to 5 days a week. We caught up on everything. We just clicked. I knew he had to go to court, and didn't hear from him for like 4 months. He called and asked for my address to write. We been doing so since. About a month in he asked me to be his girl. I had told him about the baby and my feelings. He said I was hard to get. I was just watching out for my feelings. I just found out that he never ended it with the other girl. They just stopped talking. when he got locked up. She has single on her FB page. He said that it's over, and they haven't talked. He gave me her number to call and ask her. I never did cause that's not me. He asked me on the phone did I call her. I told him no, and he said that she called his mom. He thought that was a coincidence that she called, because she never talked to his mom, on a regular day when they dated. So could I be used to past time cause she wasn't around to support him. Or could he really mean what he say, and want to be with solely me? I wonder that alot. I feel that he is in love with me. Yet, why didn't he close that door when he knew he was in love with me. Does she still think that she will be back with him when he gets home. And that she is just doing her until he is home again. I know I'm a little off topic, but what do you think? Am I crazy to stick with him, even if he didn't end it with her. I ask myself, where is the closure with this other girl. Should I make a big deal about it?

milovany 04-12-2011 06:40 PM

An answer to the using question. When I was writing and receiving letters and experiencing the intensity and all of the emotion and love, I did not ask myself was he using me. And luckily my friends although they could not relate to what I was doing supported my decision. I did meet him before he went in but no we did not really know each other. After he got out, I got him some clothing and personal items as he had none and no I couldn't really afford it but I didn't want to leave him like that either, so I happily did that (and no he did not ask). And I drove him and I fed him and I tried to navigate my way through his mood swings. Slowly and steadily he established himself and became more stable. He became more busy with his recovery and his church and had less and less time for me, I did my best to roll with that as it was best for him. After he got a car of his own, he really stopped comiing around and then I started to ask myself if he had been playing me all along. I rode that roller coaster ride of doubt and feeling a fool and not very good about myself.

THEN I found PTO and I read stories from many forums and I started to come to terms with everything and have begun to wash the doubt away.

You know what in answer to your question? Are you giving something that you want to give to somene that you want to give it to? Because there are no guarantees in this life, much as we try to have the answer up front to protect ourseles from pain. Sometimes people will do crappy things and mean it, sometimes people will do crappy things and not mean it and LOTS of the time things just go sideways for no apparent reason.

PTO stories and thank all of you who share them has enlightened me to remember that we are in the moment. Doing something that makes someone happy also makes me happy and that happy doesn't always last forever, sometimes we just share soe moments. Isn't that enough?

QAngel 04-12-2011 07:20 PM

So True
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by milovany (Post 6085016)
An answer to the using question. When I was writing and receiving letters and experiencing the intensity and all of the emotion and love, I did not ask myself was he using me. And luckily my friends although they could not relate to what I was doing supported my decision. I did meet him before he went in but no we did not really know each other. After he got out, I got him some clothing and personal items as he had none and no I couldn't really afford it but I didn't want to leave him like that either, so I happily did that (and no he did not ask). And I drove him and I fed him and I tried to navigate my way through his mood swings. Slowly and steadily he established himself and became more stable. He became more busy with his recovery and his church and had less and less time for me, I did my best to roll with that as it was best for him. After he got a car of his own, he really stopped comiing around and then I started to ask myself if he had been playing me all along. I rode that roller coaster ride of doubt and feeling a fool and not very good about myself.

THEN I found PTO and I read stories from many forums and I started to come to terms with everything and have begun to wash the doubt away.

You know what in answer to your question? Are you giving something that you want to give to somene that you want to give it to? Because there are no guarantees in this life, much as we try to have the answer up front to protect ourseles from pain. Sometimes people will do crappy things and mean it, sometimes people will do crappy things and not mean it and LOTS of the time things just go sideways for no apparent reason.

PTO stories and thank all of you who share them has enlightened me to remember that we are in the moment. Doing something that makes someone happy also makes me happy and that happy doesn't always last forever, sometimes we just share soe moments. Isn't that enough?


I did do things cause I wanted too. You know he didn't ask for money. He only ask could he call me, and would I write him. He is thoughtful with cards, and gifts. He tells me he loves me all the time. He calls his mom, and tells her that I'm his love. He even asked me to call her so that we can keep a close relationship. His mother loves me, and I'm nothing like he had. She thinks I'm good for him. He tells me I saved him a lot. He found God. He reads his Bible, and shares his thoughts on what he reads all the time. I feel he has made a complete change. But only in time and when he is home will we really know. Now that I think about it I dont feel used. Thanks for shedding some light on that.

No More Tears 04-14-2011 12:34 AM

I was with my man for 2 yrs before he went in and in some ways I felt that he was using me. He wanted extra sh*t all the time. I made it possible for him to have what he asked for though. Didn't want him to think that I wasn't there in his time of need. Now that he's home, I use his ass for my enjoyment. If he say's anything, I remind him of the 2 1/2 yrs that I pampered him.

milovany 04-14-2011 05:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChaplainJohn (Post 5755823)
I would like to ad to your comment if I may, yes many of times I have seen the relationships between a couple grow stronger when the man is incarcerated. Mostly because, (I think) that when the man is cut off from physical contact with his mate, his emotional relationship over-compensates for this. This allows him to more freely share his heart and be more open about doing so. (a real problem for a lot of us men) So ladies, if you reconize this, tell him. He'll learn just how important it is for the you to hear his heart and he'll learn that he needs to do this as well.
Just thank us for being so open. :)


Thanks for sharing Chaplain John. And I agree it does seem to be easier for a man to talk about his feelings and express his vulnerability while on the inside. And that allows us to nurture him which makes us feel great as women. Sadly, this does not always carry with them on the outside. Men are discouraged by society from expressing those kinds of feelings and when they are back it's easy to slip right back into whatever kind of communication style and feelings expressing that they were before. And when this happens a woman can feel shut out and that generally makes her hold on tighter and ask questions about what is going on, which then fuels mistrust or feelings of mistrust and a whole bag of womrs opens up. I don't know the answer, but maybe if the couple keeps that in mind and makes a conscious effort to overcome that, they can carry that wonderful emotional connection and tight bond with them into the future of their relationship on the outside.

Kelseymae93 04-15-2011 11:05 PM

I wasn't with my boyfriend very long before he went in, I lived with him for a few months. He's been in for 9 months and after like 3 months me and him was arguing and he stopped calling for a few days so I went to his visit and his ex girlfriend was there. I was heated but we talked it out & me and the girl are actually cool now so I know he don't talk to her anymore. I don't put money on his books so I know he's not using me for money. He calls me non stop, I go to every visit, so no I don't think he's using me. It does cross my mind here & there tho

Fiesty 04-17-2011 02:13 AM

I AM A RECENT VICTIM OF A SO CALLED "PLAYER / HUSTLER" CRIME, I say it cause it is and I mean they're still locked up literally! I never condone that kind of immature and childish behaviour and use my brains to kick them to the curb! I'm glad that I learnt of this while I was only a penpal so imagine if it happened for realz! Damn! I wouldn't be that silly 2 fall for their love & money making schemes! And yes! it does come both ways 4rm the male & female inm8s prospective so theres nobody to blame but our naive selves! But do keep in mind the only reason y they do what they do is bcoz: #1) they got nafing else better 2 do but 2 hurt peoples feelings & that they're just plainly cold-hearted & selfish! #2) they got years left to serve & #3) They have no hope in themselves! But then I do wholeheartly believe that there are still plenty of good men & women in there who just want comforting company, we just gotta see the signs of those "so called" playerz/hustlerz being overly nice 2 u & yet u've just met! And for me, I'm personally thankful that my best-friend who's also incarcerated stuck by me no matter what!

Vixen311 04-17-2011 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fiesty (Post 6093498)
I AM A RECENT VICTIM OF A SO CALLED "PLAYER / HUSTLER" CRIME, I say it cause it is and I mean they're still locked up literally! I never condone that kind of immature and childish behaviour and use my brains to kick them to the curb! I'm glad that I learnt of this while I was only a penpal so imagine if it happened for realz! Damn! I wouldn't be that silly 2 fall for their love & money making schemes! And yes! it does come both ways 4rm the male & female inm8s prospective so theres nobody to blame but our naive selves! But do keep in mind the only reason y they do what they do is bcoz: #1) they got nafing else better 2 do but 2 hurt peoples feelings & that they're just plainly cold-hearted & selfish! #2) they got years left to serve & #3) They have no hope in themselves! But then I do wholeheartly believe that there are still plenty of good men & women in there who just want comforting company, we just gotta see the signs of those "so called" playerz/hustlerz being overly nice 2 u & yet u've just met! And for me, I'm personally thankful that my best-friend who's also incarcerated stuck by me no matter what!

while i agree with some of what you say. i don't think that being intelligent is a be all end all sort of cure to keep from being hurt. even the most intelligent women/men can and do get hurt... it's called having a heart, and caring for someone. which is NOT a black and white thing(no i'm not talking a race thing here) i mean there are various degrees of care and love and trust and most of all self doubt,but like everything there is the risk. your are either willing to take the risk of getting hurt to find real love or you just sit there secure in the knowledge that you will never be hurt or find love.

MIKAER 04-18-2011 07:27 AM

Setting and upholding boundaries is a way of protecting yourself and others from crossing those boundaries and feeling used.

kmbnet1017 04-18-2011 08:02 AM

Well..
 
I have always had issues with people using me in the past because I'm a very giving and open-hearted individual. Also, in the past every previous relationship my man has had with women was a beneficial relationship. I guess that is the reason he has states [time and time again] that he will not let me do anything for him because he never wants me or anyone else to feel as if he is using me. We have been engaged for 4 months now and as much as I try to do stuff for him....I finally stopped asking because he always says "No, if i really need anything....I'm going to ask my family....you know why I won't take anything from you...you need our money more than I do."
And I think that all of this helps to ease my mind in knowing that he is in this because we love one another && not because he needs me for financial benefit....

MIKAER 04-18-2011 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kmbnet1017 (Post 6095452)
I have always had issues with people using me in the past because I'm a very giving and open-hearted individual. Also, in the past every previous relationship my man has had with women was a beneficial relationship. I guess that is the reason he has states [time and time again] that he will not let me do anything for him because he never wants me or anyone else to feel as if he is using me. We have been engaged for 4 months now and as much as I try to do stuff for him....I finally stopped asking because he always says "No, if i really need anything....I'm going to ask my family....you know why I won't take anything from you...you need our money more than I do."
And I think that all of this helps to ease my mind in knowing that he is in this because we love one another && not because he needs me for financial benefit....

Sounds like he set good boundaries. Manipulation is a form of communication practiced by many guys in prison to get what they need and is often hard to see because it's confused as love. His ability to recognize his past behavior as unhealthy is a good thing.

Boweloydswifie 05-01-2011 04:31 AM

He asks but I don't comply I figure paying loads on stamps, trips hundreds of miles to see him & the occasional gift will have to service for now. He'll just have to deal so I can save for our future together.

mrssherman11 05-03-2011 04:47 PM

I personally know that I am not being used. He was there for me when I was down and out and I had no one there for me. We had been broken up for a while and when we did get back together I was 4 months pregnant by someone else and I have 2 additional kids and none of them are his. He stepped up and took care of us and he became a father to my kids and went with me to my dr appts. I feel bless to be able to return the favor to him. Whether he is down and out or sitting on top of the world I will always be by his side. He doesnt ask me for money. I put it on his books whenever I can and he appreciates that and I appreciate him. He is content with me writing letters and talking on the phone with him. He is a simple man and easy to please. I love my Husband dearly and deeply.

webbjen 05-04-2011 09:39 PM

I dont feel that way, bc he dont get anything from me. But a phone card so he can call us. But he wants it that way, he says i take care of the kids, the house, the car, the bills, and it is not my job to take care of him. Hell he sends me cash, lol, but that is how he has always been.

RaysAngel0228 05-05-2011 12:25 AM

When I first got with my hunny I told him he better not ask me for a thing (users will start asking for stuff and what you can do for them, I wasn't trying to be ugly...I was just seeing)...He told me that the only thing that he wanted was my love. Ends up that he has his own inherited money so he didn't need mine lol. He ended up letting me pick out the engagement ring that I wanted and then had the family member that was holding his money send the money to me and he eventually had them to send me some of his money. He wants to make sure that I am taken care of. He buys me thing, makes me things (even though material things are not important...he just wants to show how much he cares) I love him so much and I thank God for him.

rdgpunx 05-05-2011 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q (Post 5755499)
No, I don't believe he is using me.

However, I am using him. Mainly for expensive phone sex.

:shrug:


Right?!?

Great post man!!! Made me spit my drink out my nose!!!:thumbsup:

o'neals-lady 05-05-2011 10:29 AM

I know what she is saying to...I feel like that more than not...I love him deeply but sometimes when the calls are short and to the point with out any emotion then the doubt kicks in...I will wait for him only time will tell...

RaysAngel0228 05-11-2011 01:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaysAngel0228 (Post 6128259)
When I first got with my hunny I told him he better not ask me for a thing (users will start asking for stuff and what you can do for them, I wasn't trying to be ugly...I was just seeing)...He told me that the only thing that he wanted was my love. Ends up that he has his own inherited money so he didn't need mine lol. He ended up letting me pick out the engagement ring that I wanted and then had the family member that was holding his money send the money to me and he eventually had them to send me some of his money. He wants to make sure that I am taken care of. He buys me thing, makes me things (even though material things are not important...he just wants to show how much he cares) I love him so much and I thank God for him.


I do send him money for food, but it is pretty much his money. :)

halo8 05-15-2011 08:57 PM

yeah
 
I know he uses me, but he also does love me. The line is blurred when I'm the only one doing all of the emotional and financial supporting and he's creating all the chaos for me to deal with in the aftermath, but I feel he truly loves me and believe he has great potential to be a much better human being. He's mentally fu.cked and knows he needs help, and more importantly, is willing to receive that help if he has any chance of becoming better.

Vixen311 05-17-2011 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 209CaLiGiRl (Post 5755480)
I will be the first to say that just because you were with the inmate before they went in does not mean that they wont use you. My ex and I were together for almost 2 years before he went in. we lived together and almost had a child together(i lost her at 5 months pregnant) and he did 8 years and we lost touch the first few years but the last 3 years we got back in touch and back together. He got out in March of this year and I went to pick him up, he was with me for 2 weeks then left me. I know now that he is with some other chick. He told me it was because of the no-contact order but who knows.......I had no idea I was gonna be played. I thought I knew him.:( NEwayz, now I am with a guy that my cousen hooked me up with(they are homiez locked up together) and I did not know him before he went in, and my cousen asures me that he would never hook me up whith an asshole, but because of what had happend with my ex I cant help but be alittle afraid.

i know my post has nothing to do with this topic but i wanted to say,i'm very sorry about your baby daughter:grouphug:.also i'm sorry about what your ex did,but what he did ultimately left you available for your new man.hope things are going great for you now.

eddiesgirl2011 05-30-2011 07:08 PM

need opinion
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ChaplainJohn (Post 5755823)
I would like to ad to your comment if I may, yes many of times I have seen the relationships between a couple grow stronger when the man is incarcerated. Mostly because, (I think) that when the man is cut off from physical contact with his mate, his emotional relationship over-compensates for this. This allows him to more freely share his heart and be more open about doing so. (a real problem for a lot of us men) So ladies, if you reconize this, tell him. He'll learn just how important it is for the you to hear his heart and he'll learn that he needs to do this as well.
Just thank us for being so open. :)

what happens if he tells u its just not in him to say what he feels in his heart then what do u think
eddiesgirl2011


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