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-   -   Is he just using you? (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=511166)

chozngirl777 11-02-2010 08:00 PM

Hey girl to be honest with you, I would put your foot down, that's the only way you'll know for sure. tell him you will do what you can do when you can do it, but you have other priorities right now, preparing for your precious baby. Tell him this is causing you uneccessary stress that you don't need with your pregnancy. Straight up, i think you should let him know your feelings on this NOW. His reaction to you confronting him on this issue will probably give you a pretty clear picture of his intentions. As for me, I try to help my love whenever I can, but unfortunately, raising my kids and giving them a good life is my priority. He understands that I am true and do the best i can, and if he didn't understand that, then I would let him go quicker than you can blink an eye...


Quote:

Originally Posted by EstrellaDeLuna (Post 5756715)
Hi I'm not a newbie to pto but I am to this thread
and this is a question I find myself asking everyday.
Like yesterday I sent him money and today he turned around and asked for more I'm like wtf i have a baby on the way I still need to finish buying things for my baby and he knows this and it's like he puts on a front and acts like he cares and say's sorry and turns around and ask the same question anyways after I just told him no the he get's a pissy attitude and everything goes up in flames from there, but when it's not about money all is good up until he brings it up so honestly I really don't know if I being used or not. I feel that I am but were engaged but then again this is 2010 since when has love been more important than money is what i think to myself at times.


serenityfae 11-03-2010 12:22 AM

If I thought he was using me I would leave. I went through a phase after coming on this site where I questioned things, but honestly I brought my concerns and fears directly to him. I don't want a relationship with someone I can't be completely honest with.

The concerns came from the baggage that he had walking into the relationship, and he dealt with all that
as a result of me being open and honest with him. He is kinda cute now trying to make sure I realize how much he values me, he even wants to give me the monthly report for his calls, so I can see he only uses the money I send to call me... I think it is funny. I trust him so I have no need to see it, but he offered as a way to prove to me the b/s is in the past.

The baggage he had to deal with in the beginning he was upfront with me about too... So I knew what I was walking into. However all that is gone now and we no longer have to deal with it, sometimes when discussing things parts of it come up, but mainly as a means of problem solving and using examples to find where things could be improved.

Danielle88 11-03-2010 12:30 AM

No way, never, not me. My hubby is only there for takin care of us so the thought never crossed my mind. If anything I used him for love and protection.

CrystalD 11-03-2010 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5755387)
I know that some of you ladies have been with your man before he got locked up, but some of you haven't. Do any of you ever feel like you're being used? I have talked with a few inmates and they point out the women they call "fools" because they are being used & when they leave, another girl comes to see the same man. I don't think that is right to do somebody like that. Are you being used? Are you spending your time loving someone that has no intentions on being true to you? It's just a question...

I just don't feel that people should be naive, but sometimes we are. I have talked with a few women that feels like their man is just using them and I hate it for them because they are good women.


I'm new to this, but seen your post and I would have to say that if a woman/man feels that they are being used more than likely they are. I know that theres more to a relationship than money! I have been with my man for 15+ years and I feel that its my job as his woman to have his needs met. Yeah he writes other girls and calls them but I know deep down when he gets out that hes coming home to us. IF I felt any different I wouldn't be here. When someone is locked up they have plenty of time to think about whos been there for them during the worst and whos gonna be there in the end!

sweetnessva 11-03-2010 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chozngirl777 (Post 5755464)
I think the post is pretty clear and its a valid question. Every one knows that society looks at girls who are waiting for someone that is incarcerated "fools, that are just being used and played". It's a sad truth, but it's reality? I'm very independent, I'm highly successful, and to be honest, I know I got it going on in the looks department and could get any guy i want. Every day I hear that I'm too good to stand by a man that's locked up, and I'm warned to not be taken advantage of. But what they don't know is that our relationship has grown more since he's been locked up than it probably ever would have when he was on the streets. I have no regrets, we're rock solid, and we make eachother happy NOW, and to me that is all that really matters. So with that, no I don't think my man is using me. :)


I can agree with you on this. Me and my man were together a little over a year before the first bid. While he was in we made our relationship even stronger. When he came home he was exactly like he was when he left but even better. Now on the second bid I know that we will make our relationship grow even stronger.:)

lovingmagic 11-03-2010 08:14 AM

the OP cupcake has been banned...threads like this just stir the pot...personally i think the people that make threads like this are really the ones that are insecure...they get some sick enjoyment out of other people's pain...aren't we all in enough turmoil...why try to plant seeds of doubt...

HisLoveAwaits 11-03-2010 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingmagic (Post 5758195)
the OP cupcake has been banned...threads like this just stir the pot...personally i think the people that make threads like this are really the ones that are insecure...they get some sick enjoyment out of other people's pain...aren't we all in enough turmoil...why try to plant seeds of doubt...

WOW

This doesn't make sense! I agree that posts like this can sometimes stir the pot. However, she was very cordial and responsive to all that replied and the question coming from her seemed sincere. Didn't exactly reek of troll breath.

What I'm not understanding is why would the mods keep this thread alive and ban her for it? Doesn't make sense.:confused:

lovingmagic 11-03-2010 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HisLoveAwaits (Post 5758222)
WOW

This doesn't make sense! I agree that posts like this can sometimes stir the pot. However, she was very cordial and responsive to all that replied and the question coming from her seemed sincere. Didn't exactly reek of troll breath.

What I'm not understanding is why would the mods keep this thread alive and ban her for it? Doesn't make sense.:confused:

who knows where or in what thread she got banned...maybe it wasn't in this thread...go read her posts again...making people aware that things can go down a wayward path with a man in prison is one thing...but i will tell you that i came here for support and soon found out about things that would never even occurred to me on my own

i have drilled magic with questions about COs preying on him...sex with men in prison...penpals.com...babysmammas wanting him back...exs writing to him...who is visiting him....who is is calling...is he using me...i went from a woman in turmoil about my man going to prison and turning our happy life on the outside upside down to questioning everything and anything...there are no guarantees in life or relationships...doesn't matter how they started...

i can see it now...one of my non favorite posters will now come along and tell me how insecure i sound...all i have to say is this...i wasn't until i got here and started reading all of these scenarios

updating my ignore list...

LovedByAnInmate 11-03-2010 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingmagic (Post 5758260)
who knows where or in what thread she got banned...maybe it wasn't in this thread...go read her posts again...making people aware that things can go down a wayward path with a man in prison is one thing...but i will tell you that i came here for support and soon found out about things that would never even occurred to me on my own

i have drilled magic with questions about COs preying on him...sex with men in prison...penpals.com...babysmammas wanting him back...exs writing to him...who is visiting him....who is is calling...is he using me...i went from a woman in turmoil about my man going to prison and turning our happy life on the outside upside down to questioning everything and anything...there are no guarantees in life or relationships...doesn't matter how they started...

i can see it now...one of my non favorite posters will now come along and tell me how insecure i sound...all i have to say is this...i wasn't until i got here and started reading all of these scenarios

updating my ignore list...


Couldn't have said it any better!!:thumbsup:

HisLoveAwaits 11-03-2010 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingmagic (Post 5758260)
who knows where or in what thread she got banned...maybe it wasn't in this thread...go read her posts again...making people aware that things can go down a wayward path with a man in prison is one thing...but i will tell you that i came here for support and soon found out about things that would never even occurred to me on my own

i have drilled magic with questions about COs preying on him...sex with men in prison...penpals.com...babysmammas wanting him back...exs writing to him...who is visiting him....who is is calling...is he using me...i went from a woman in turmoil about my man going to prison and turning our happy life on the outside upside down to questioning everything and anything...there are no guarantees in life or relationships...doesn't matter how they started...

i can see it now...one of my non favorite posters will now come along and tell me how insecure i sound...all i have to say is this...i wasn't until i got here and started reading all of these scenarios

updating my ignore list...

I haven't read any of her posts and I don't intend to. Please know that my response was in no way a slam on you! Jus saying it didn't make sense "to me".

Mrs.sanchez2010 11-03-2010 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q (Post 5755499)
No, I don't believe he is using me.

However, I am using him. Mainly for expensive phone sex.

:shrug:

haha- very good answer!!!!!!!!!1:thumbsup::D

chozngirl777 11-03-2010 12:26 PM

I HAVE TO AGREE "WOW". It's pretty sad when people get all bent out of shape over an OPEN FORUM. Are you serious? People really need to CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES! Cupcake did not do or say anything wrong! I can't imagine losing sleep and getting so upset with a complete stranger that did nothing wrong but bring up a completely valid point? How's that saying go though? if you throw a rock into a pack of wolves, the one that barks is that the one that got hit? Hmmmm something to thing about!

Quote:

Originally Posted by HisLoveAwaits (Post 5758222)
WOW

This doesn't make sense! I agree that posts like this can sometimes stir the pot. However, she was very cordial and responsive to all that replied and the question coming from her seemed sincere. Didn't exactly reek of troll breath.

What I'm not understanding is why would the mods keep this thread alive and ban her for it? Doesn't make sense.:confused:


Msnine10 11-03-2010 01:27 PM

Wow...
 
I wont spread the news but if it feels this good being used...well you just keep on using me...Until you use me up... :D

The first thing I would like to say is this is a great topic... I feel that if insecurities arise out of it, then that person or persons should deal with them... Like any addiction/issue we must first identify it then realize it....

Now...On to what I believe... I believe when you do something from you heart... who is the fool? As for me, I choose to be in this situation...because I am free... I have a choice and I choose to be there... I believe that everyone needs someone to be there for them... so if he is playing you or me...and what? The problem is as women we are so emotional... we dont read the lines we steady try to look between them... try to evaluate everything and every situation... we make every issue ours... Ive learned through life experiences to accept what ever comes my way... I have lost so many things in my life...but I look at things this way... sometimes when we win...we really lost... and sometimes when we thought we lost...we really won! If you believe in Karma and good spirits and GOD...you will live your life accordingly...so it really doesnt matter if "he" feels as though he is the user... thats his issue...as long as I keep it 100 and stay true to who I am... I will be and you will be OKAY!!!

Love is never a fool...sometimes we just love a fool... I know that Im a good person...Im a good woman and all that extra stuff too... However, looks doesnt matter, body doesnt matter... People do what they want to do in the end! Some people can say selfish...but at the end of the day...who happiness matters most... Loving Yourself more than a man will help you overcome any situation!!! ;)

Msnine10 11-03-2010 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moesgirl1696 (Post 5756670)
I understand this thread more than I wish I did. I have dated my man before he was locked up but that was close to 13 years ago. Now we are back together and he should be home soon. However, I read these posts on here and get terrified. I don't think I am being used. I don't offer much. A bit of money here and there and a visit maybe once a month or so. However, we are building a great foundation to build upon once he is released. There is always the possiblity but living life to its fullest involves taking chances. I hope this chance is worth it for me and all of us ladies out here! :-)

:heart: Love is always worth living and fighting for... Take the chance...and dont let other stories become your story... I fear these men on the streets just as much as the ones locked up...

chozngirl777 11-03-2010 01:54 PM

Well Said MsNine10. On another note, I know Cupcake was banned because this is an issue that "stirs the pot" and this is supposed to be a "support forum"? Well just like relationships on the outside, there is an always a possibility that you are being played, or maybe even the player? So on that note, if a woman has a little inclination that maybe she is being used, do you not feel that maybe it is possibly "supportive" to help her recognize the signs of being used? Or should that individual NOT BE SUPPORTED by living in La La land and completely ignoring that woman's intuition, without anyone lending a hand to give her he warning signs? Food for thought?

Danya 11-03-2010 01:56 PM

The OP was not banned because of this thread! I believe it is against the rules to talk about bans and suspensions so that's all I can say.
There is more to some posters then meets the eye sometimes, and just because they can pretend to be "cordial" doesn't mean anything.

LovingMagic is exactly right with her suspicions...

Also, the reason why this thread is causing some to :rolleyes:, is because it has been discussed and brought up over and over on PTO.
FYI: I know my man's not using me, and I would never run and start a thread on it because it's just not on my mind:thumbsup:

So, just because some don't agree w/ this thread does not mean they are being used, lmao!!

Chris' Sweets 11-03-2010 07:26 PM

I agree
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by HisLoveAwaits (Post 5758222)
WOW

This doesn't make sense! I agree that posts like this can sometimes stir the pot. However, she was very cordial and responsive to all that replied and the question coming from her seemed sincere. Didn't exactly reek of troll breath.

What I'm not understanding is why would the mods keep this thread alive and ban her for it? Doesn't make sense.:confused:

I don't understand why she was banned either - but life happens

Chris' Sweets 11-03-2010 07:34 PM

You have a point Loving Magic
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingmagic (Post 5758260)
who knows where or in what thread she got banned...maybe it wasn't in this thread...go read her posts again...making people aware that things can go down a wayward path with a man in prison is one thing...but i will tell you that i came here for support and soon found out about things that would never even occurred to me on my own

i have drilled magic with questions about COs preying on him...sex with men in prison...penpals.com...babysmammas wanting him back...exs writing to him...who is visiting him....who is is calling...is he using me...i went from a woman in turmoil about my man going to prison and turning our happy life on the outside upside down to questioning everything and anything...there are no guarantees in life or relationships...doesn't matter how they started...

i can see it now...one of my non favorite posters will now come along and tell me how insecure i sound...all i have to say is this...i wasn't until i got here and started reading all of these scenarios

updating my ignore list...


I didn't look at it like that Loving Magic, but you have a point. I have enough to worry about like is he safe while he is there than to add to that if he's using me. But I think they should have just killed the thread, unless like you said, there may have been something we don't know about. I love all ya'll supportive PTO ladies and this forum for having a place to vent with peeps that don't judge.

ChaplainJohn 11-04-2010 12:39 AM

I was wondering what happened to cupcake, I asked a mod about it tonight because I came back to view my post to her. If I remember right, I has a great response and wanted to check on it's prgress. I am also new and was trying to figure out how to follow my posts.

When I returend, I had only found my repost. I appearantly I replied directly to her post and my message was flushed with hers. I thought the question was not too bad, but then again I had only read a few of the later ones.

Danielle88 11-04-2010 01:13 AM

You know, thier are new members every single day on here so of course the same questions may be posted, just cause youve answered doesnt mean everyone else has. I liked CupCakes threads and posts alot, it's a shame to see her go. However, you can see the subject of the thread so if you have an issue with it then why bother clicking, reading, and complaining. You waste everyones time including your own.

Msnine10 11-04-2010 07:45 AM

Ok
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Danielle88 (Post 5760041)
You know, thier are new members every single day on here so of course the same questions may be posted, just cause youve answered doesnt mean everyone else has. I liked CupCakes threads and posts alot, it's a shame to see her go. However, you can see the subject of the thread so if you have an issue with it then why bother clicking, reading, and complaining. You waste everyones time including your own.

:thumbsup: EXACTLY

tee.dot.q 11-04-2010 07:52 AM

We do not discuss specific reasons members were banned or suspended, period.

I can assure you all that it was not because of this thread, but we are not at liberty to get into any greater detail.

Like Danya said; there is often more to people than meets the eye. Trust that if someone has been banned, there is good reason. They have broken policy several times and have been given sufficient opportunities to try and abide by the terms agreed to when joining.

Now, back to the Original topic. The discussion about banned members ends here.

Thanks!

Tee

ChaplainJohn 11-04-2010 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q (Post 5760368)
We do not discuss specific reasons members were banned or suspended, period.

I can assure you all that it was not because of this thread, but we are not at liberty to get into any greater detail.

Like Danya said; there is often more to people than meets the eye. Trust that if someone has been banned, there is good reason. They have broken policy several times and have been given sufficient opportunities to try and abide by the terms agreed to when joining.

Now, back to the Original topic. The discussion about banned members ends here.

Tee

Thanks!

Yes, I am in full understanding, that why a person is banned is private. I for the most part don't want to know why one has been. I was just concerned, because I am very new, that I in some way may have unknowingly contributed to this.

I'm cool, I had an opportunity to talk to another mod.

Thanks.
C.J.

officeremily 11-04-2010 11:42 AM

I met Shane while he was in, and yes it is always in the back of my mind. I have spend hundreds of dollars on phone calls, and am about to spend more money on renting an apartment so that he will have an address to parole to. He tells me that he has never loved anyone like he loves me, and I know that is true, because his mom even told me that he talks to her about me all the time, and that she has never seen him like this. I really do feel like he loves me like he says he does. He did tell me that when he first started talking to me he was just going to use me as a mule, but that his intentions quickly changed. I'm still scared though that when he gets his way and gets out that he'll ditch me. I don't know what to think about it. It is always in the back of my mind, even though I promise to him that I believe him.

curegirl 11-04-2010 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by officeremily (Post 5760773)
I met Shane while he was in, and yes it is always in the back of my mind. I have spend hundreds of dollars on phone calls, and am about to spend more money on renting an apartment so that he will have an address to parole to. He tells me that he has never loved anyone like he loves me, and I know that is true, because his mom even told me that he talks to her about me all the time, and that she has never seen him like this. I really do feel like he loves me like he says he does. He did tell me that when he first started talking to me he was just going to use me as a mule, but that his intentions quickly changed. I'm still scared though that when he gets his way and gets out that he'll ditch me. I don't know what to think about it. It is always in the back of my mind, even though I promise to him that I believe him.

When you're in love with someone, you have to make the decision whether or not to trust them. If you choose trust, then you have to let go of the doubt. If not, it'll destroy your relationship from the inside. I am not saying to ignore red flags, but don't obsess over it.


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