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-   -   Is he just using you? (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=511166)

Lost2/25/10 11-02-2010 08:30 AM

Yes and no, is he using me for money no, however he does use me for love and a normal family. He has never had one so I tell him all the time that's one of the biggest reasons he stay isn't it. He just laughes and says yup and sex LOL. If he is using me and I'm to stupid to know it so be it. I make it on my own and always have and I have waked away from him before and was fine so I can do it again if need to be.

Mitch67 11-02-2010 08:30 AM

I am happy to answer your question.

First off I think it matters not a jot if you were with your man before prison or you met while he was in there. I am MWI and have been with my man for almost five years. He is in San Quentin in California and I am in the UK.

In answer to your question no I do not think that he is using me. I think if he were released tomorrow without a doubt I would be the person that he would want waiting outside for him. I am not a fool and I would know if he was playing me. I just know from teh way that he speaks and the way that he is with me that when he says he loves me he means it.

Europeanbabe 11-02-2010 08:55 AM

I honestly don't think I am being used but hell how do I know? Me and my husband met before he went in for the second time... You never trully know if someone is using you or not. One day everything can change in a blink of an eye. Humans are selfish creatures at the end of the day everyone looks out for themselves. Not using someone is a choice or being used and still a choice and there are plenty of women who stick around just because they don't want to be left alone or start over or for the kids but they know they are being used. It all comes down to choices and respect but like I said anything in this world can change within a second so what makes you so sure you husband or boyfriend won't ever use you? People who state NEVER.... yea okay you don't know that, you think you do but in reality you really don't.

crazigirl 11-02-2010 08:56 AM

well I have done this before and I have been used and lets just say there were signs I just didnt chose to see them or I was in a fantasy land and young ....so I know the signs.... if my man is using me which I do not think he is. he sure isnt getting much out of it:D

lovingmagic 11-02-2010 09:19 AM

i am going to answer your question with a question? why does this question get asked so much on this forum? i thought this was supposed to be a support forum not a let's see if i can stir up your insecurities forum...women and men get used on the outside as well...if we entered every relationship with the opposite sex thinking is he going to use me...then we might as well stay home and never interact with people

just my :twocents:

CupCakeLove 11-02-2010 09:27 AM

This is soooooooooooooo true!!!!
 
This is so good Chaplain. Some will come home with a new found appreciation for us women. CupCake was really good to me before he went in. He was a good man to me, but we shall see if things changes. If they do, I will tell him to keep it moving and he knows it. He knows that I take no joke....


Quote:

Originally Posted by ChaplainJohn (Post 5755823)
I would like to ad to your comment if I may, yes many of times I have seen the relationships between a couple grow stronger when the man is incarcerated. Mostly because, (I think) that when the man is cut off from physical contact with his mate, his emotional relationship over-compensates for this. This allows him to more freely share his heart and be more open about doing so. (a real problem for a lot of us men) So ladies, if you reconize this, tell him. He'll learn just how important it is for the you to hear his heart and he'll learn that he needs to do this as well.
Just thank us for being so open. :)


CupCakeLove 11-02-2010 09:32 AM

You're right Little Wings
 
The last thing that I would want to happen here to any of you guys is someone using you. I am included in that as well. I fell that the conflict will only come from the ones that are feeling used and is in denial or may even be a little naive.... I am a realist. I don't feel that things should be sugar-coated. Nobody deserves to be abused or used.....


Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleWing13 (Post 5756065)
Your post was perfectly clear. The problem is that it's a hot button...a topic that can conjure up a lot of high emotion and conflict here. I think a lot of women get used by dudes locked up....but I don't think that they realize it as it's happening, or they would walk away. Then again, some people are gluttons for that kind of abuse.

Personally, I was with him before which is the only reason I stuck with him during...still with him a year since being home, but re-evaluating the relationship for my own reasons.


CupCakeLove 11-02-2010 09:36 AM

Mwi
 
That's great that you guys are happy and in love....I wish you much happiness...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mitch67 (Post 5756101)
I am happy to answer your question.

First off I think it matters not a jot if you were with your man before prison or you met while he was in there. I am MWI and have been with my man for almost five years. He is in San Quentin in California and I am in the UK.

In answer to your question no I do not think that he is using me. I think if he were released tomorrow without a doubt I would be the person that he would want waiting outside for him. I am not a fool and I would know if he was playing me. I just know from teh way that he speaks and the way that he is with me that when he says he loves me he means it.


MLJ&JLJ 11-02-2010 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q (Post 5755499)
no, i don't believe he is using me.

However, i am using him. Mainly for expensive phone sex.

:shrug:


roflmao :d:d:d:d:d:d

CupCakeLove 11-02-2010 09:44 AM

Huh?
 
This was not intended to stir up insecurities. The ones that feel insecurities from this, probably have a reason other than this post to feel insecure. It was a question. Support is not always hearing from people that always agree with you. That's the problem with people now, they want everything to be sugar-coated and pleasant to the ear. It is what it is. People know if they're being used, loved, or even cared about. The question was merely to see who felt that way...


Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingmagic (Post 5756169)
i am going to answer your question with a question? why does this question get asked so much on this forum? i thought this was supposed to be a support forum not a let's see if i can stir up your insecurities forum...women and men get used on the outside as well...if we entered every relationship with the opposite sex thinking is he going to use me...then we might as well stay home and never interact with people

just my :twocents:


lovingmagic 11-02-2010 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5756225)
This was not intended to stir up insecurities. The ones that feel insecurities from this, probably have a reason other than this post to feel insecure. It was a question. Support is not always hearing from people that always agree with you. That's the problem with people now, they want everything to be sugar-coated and pleasant to the ear. It is what it is. People know if they're being used, loved, or even cared about. The question was merely to see who felt that way...

are you sure about that...stirring things up has a way of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy...wallowing in the "what ifs" is not wise when it comes to having a man behind bars...

CupCakeLove 11-02-2010 10:09 AM

Sure!
 
Take it as you will. Have a great day!! It's better to see something now, rather than years and year from now....


Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingmagic (Post 5756264)
are you sure about that...stirring things up has a way of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy...wallowing in the "what ifs" is not wise when it comes to having a man behind bars...


ericswife1988 11-02-2010 10:20 AM

wht about the option, he cant be using me cuz he doesnt get much besides my love.

ericswife1988 11-02-2010 10:23 AM

hahahaha touchy touchy post..... people who get offended by this post obviously have fears about this... good post cupcake, maybe some people will reread their comments and it'll make them reveal themselves to themselves...

ericswife1988 11-02-2010 10:29 AM

and u kno what else forget everyone who says a women is not gonna wait if she feels used becuz some women dont care, some people wanna be used, some people think that one day they will see the light, some people think if they put in all the work that eventually it will pay off. men on the outside have women like that all the time. And the women know they are being naive and just dont wanna face it or admit it. so to everyone truly offended by this post, maybe u are that woman.

lovingmagic 11-02-2010 10:39 AM

hmmmm, funny how some put others down only to elevate themselves...you girls have a nice day :thumbsup:

missjohnson 11-02-2010 12:03 PM

I know men that use women they were with on the streets as well as men that use women they didn't know on the streets.

I met my man while he was incarserated. He is out now and has done everything he told me he would. And, nope, while he was locked up I didn't feel used at all.:D

LittleWing13 11-02-2010 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5756195)
The last thing that I would want to happen here to any of you guys is someone using you. I am included in that as well. I fell that the conflict will only come from the ones that are feeling used and is in denial or may even be a little naive.... I am a realist. I don't feel that things should be sugar-coated. Nobody deserves to be abused or used.....

Of course you dont' want that to happen...and you might have just touched on something, I dunno, it's hard to say, and also a very generalized statement. I can relate to being a realist...but the reality is that some people thrive on co-dependent/toxic relationships...or the need to feel that they are "fixing" sombody, even though the signs are there. Also, just know that there are a lot of "stand by your man" and "love will see you through" posters that will post that stuff to the death no matter what, but there are also people that will cut through the sugar coating. We all different.

This is not the first thread of this nature and it will not be the last....and you can gaurantee that it will stir up the pot every time it pops up. See? ;)

Chyna5La 11-02-2010 12:14 PM

My Signature says it all!

Nwempress 11-02-2010 12:25 PM

I totally agree chozngirl777 me and my man had a relationship before but it got even stronger through this whole thing and we are rock solid too he would never use me he doesn't even ask me for anything he just wants me to be alright out here.

moesgirl1696 11-02-2010 01:58 PM

I understand this thread more than I wish I did. I have dated my man before he was locked up but that was close to 13 years ago. Now we are back together and he should be home soon. However, I read these posts on here and get terrified. I don't think I am being used. I don't offer much. A bit of money here and there and a visit maybe once a month or so. However, we are building a great foundation to build upon once he is released. There is always the possiblity but living life to its fullest involves taking chances. I hope this chance is worth it for me and all of us ladies out here! :-)

CHATA 11-02-2010 02:17 PM

Hi I'm not a newbie to pto but I am to this thread
and this is a question I find myself asking everyday.
Like yesterday I sent him money and today he turned around and asked for more I'm like wtf i have a baby on the way I still need to finish buying things for my baby and he knows this and it's like he puts on a front and acts like he cares and say's sorry and turns around and ask the same question anyways after I just told him no the he get's a pissy attitude and everything goes up in flames from there, but when it's not about money all is good up until he brings it up so honestly I really don't know if I being used or not. I feel that I am but were engaged but then again this is 2010 since when has love been more important than money is what i think to myself at times.

LovedByAnInmate 11-02-2010 02:58 PM

Using me for money I would say NOT. Just because I have NEVER been asked to put money in his books I do it out of the kindness of my heart BUT his parents are the ones who ALWAYS put money in his books also. I've put in a couple times lol But on the other hand using me to HELP HIM yes he is doing just that. Helping him see that he CAN make BETTER choices. I was with him before he got locked up and I knew I wasn't gonna budge one bit through his whole bid. He'll be home pretty soon and until that day I'll be here WAITING

CupCakeLove 11-02-2010 04:45 PM

True that Ericswife
 
I should have put that as an option,....

Quote:

Originally Posted by ericswife1988 (Post 5756320)
wht about the option, he cant be using me cuz he doesnt get much besides my love.


ChaplainJohn 11-02-2010 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CupCakeLove (Post 5756183)
This is so good Chaplain. Some will come home with a new found appreciation for us women. CupCake was really good to me before he went in. He was a good man to me, but we shall see if things changes. If they do, I will tell him to keep it moving and he knows it. He knows that I take no joke....


Your welcome,

I only posted because it had taken me years to understand what my wife's needs were from me. Men are generally wired to be the provider and we think that as long as we are keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table, everything is ok, And let's not forget about the sex. :) Then one day we find ourselves lonely and we can't understand why.

Once I understood what God's word meant by, "Husbands love your wives as Christ has loved the church" I understood that this was about intimacy.
Men need this as well, but for the most part, is no longer taught or even more so, led by example in today's society.

So I am happy to hear of this in your realtionship, but all the more sad about your having to be seperate from one another just the same.

I wish you both all my best,
C.J.


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