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-   -   Is he just using you? (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=511166)

punchos wife 05-20-2014 10:24 AM

Good question.....in the start I thought I was being used by my guy...but I never wanted to flat out ask him...of course he would say no.....so Sat back and watched his movements he would beat behind the Bush when asking me for things and I'd continue to do it...I started to feel BEYOND foolish..until one day I started to receive checks in the mail from him..small of course but a token of his love....he begin having his mother give me money on a regular as well. Forfeiting family packages and having the cash sent to me instead.soon my answer is be a little patient..observe him...I know my man love me and I don't feel used anymore...we kinda help each other..of course I do more but the intent is BEAUTIFUL

HisCaramelLady 05-24-2014 05:51 PM

OMG, My Fiance does this for me too....and the packages are smaller and more infrequent...For which I am Thankful..but I feel bad because the arguments have increased because he has started having me do and send things at the last minute and I don't like that. I'm trying to be more patient, but its hard....
Quote:

Originally Posted by punchos wife (Post 7322840)
Good question.....in the start I thought I was being used by my guy...but I never wanted to flat out ask him...of course he would say no.....so Sat back and watched his movements he would beat behind the Bush when asking me for things and I'd continue to do it...I started to feel BEYOND foolish..until one day I started to receive checks in the mail from him..small of course but a token of his love....he begun having his mother give me money on a regular as well. Forfeiting family packages and having the cash sent to me instead.soon my answer is be a little patient..observe him...I know my man love me and I don't feel used anymore...we kinda help each other..of course I do more but the intent is BEAUTIFUL


punchos wife 05-24-2014 06:03 PM

Girl yes being a prisoners wife/gf is challenging.....

MrsD13 05-26-2014 11:45 AM

Torn.
 
I met my boyfriend, Tim, 15 years ago. He was only 20, and I was 23. We dated for about 9-11 mo, before I ended things with him, because I met another man, whom I eventually ended up marrying. We divorced after 4 years, and I thought about Tim a lot. I couldn't remember his last name, so I put a post on Craigslist, hoping to find him, or someone who knew his last name. Finally someone messaged me, and told me his last name. I found him on Facebook, and messaged him. I heard nothing, but kept thinking about him. Finally I added him as a friend on Facebook, and my request was accepted 5months later!! There was a post on his page, giving an address to write to him, in prison. It took me over a year to get up the nerve and courage to write to him. I wasn't even sure he would remember me. I sent a letter off, and about 10 days later, I got a letter back, and YES!! He remembered me. He had been in prison now, for 4 years, with out a single visitor, & minimal mail from family. Our writing continued for months. Then he started calling. Things continued to progress, and he told me he loved me. Im a rather, reserved person, and I will admit, I told him I loved him, but in the back of my mind, I thought, this would fizzle out. Up to this point, I hadn't sent him a thing, besides letters. Our relationship continued to develop, and one day he called, and seemed very nervous. He finally asked me for $60 to buy sneakers, because he had ruined his other pair. I sent the requested amount, and he thanked me profusely. After that I've sent a few books, and when he was released from his prison job, to start school full time, I started adding money to his commissary so we can talk regularly. Which, we do. Telephone, and email. On May 1st, I made the 7 hour drive to see him, for the first time in 15 years. I spent 2 full days with him, and everything changed for me. I love him, its no longer something I doubt. He will be released in 1 year, 11 months. He has halfway house time to serve, and we have decided he would come home to me, after that. To my house. So, why am I torn? I think its normal to wonder if our relationships with men in these situations, are real. Lately though, I wonder if Im being blind sided. Am I only seeing what I want to see? Am I only seeing what I want to believe? I don't really do much for him, outside of letters, and phone $, but would he still feel the same way if the phone $ stopped? Am I over thinking things? Im not sure. Does anyone feel this way? Do I sound crazy!?? Thanks for listening!

MzStackz 05-26-2014 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by punchos wife (Post 7322840)
Good question.....in the start I thought I was being used by my guy...but I never wanted to flat out ask him...of course he would say no.....so Sat back and watched his movements he would beat behind the Bush when asking me for things and I'd continue to do it...I started to feel BEYOND foolish..until one day I started to receive checks in the mail from him..small of course but a token of his love....he begin having his mother give me money on a regular as well. Forfeiting family packages and having the cash sent to me instead.soon my answer is be a little patient..observe him...I know my man love me and I don't feel used anymore...we kinda help each other..of course I do more but the intent is BEAUTIFUL

I know what to talk about when he calls today lol. Just kidding, he is a good man and I know it's hard for him to take from me. He has like 2k from a insurance settlement sitting in the unclaimed money and wants me to get it for him and said for me to take half and send his brother some and him the rest. Like I would take money he could use but it's the thought that counts. But if I did ever receive a check from him it would make me smile for days:o

RabbitsButterfl 05-26-2014 05:51 PM

My Rabbit has never asked me for anything other than permission to call me on his $. I've surprised him with some books, a little $ on his books and he had alot of mixed emotions about it. My intentions are pure no matter what his are. However I don't feel I'm being used.

LillyVphoenix 06-05-2014 03:26 AM

my babe never asks me for anything, i have asked him what kinda books he likes and stuff incase i wanted to send him something his bday is coming up soon, but the questions and fact of matter about money has NEVER came up, i know his mom visits him once a month and drives 4 hours to see him with his brother, but money has never been an issue and he does work in there for 5-6 hours a day i do know that. red flags are always there and i know at first we do give in until we sit back and watch and maybe nicely try cuting the money and make up stories why u dont have money and see if he sticks around and if he doesnt and it feels like u guys are distant then hes not sincere anyways, good luck everyone

Wendy1918 06-14-2014 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whiskeygirl1981 (Post 7204664)
I honestly do not feel like he is using me, as the only thing he has ever asked me is to be loyal and honest. He does not even want me to put money on his books and matter of fact i did and he was upset that i did.

mine is the same way.

NGS_lAdY 06-15-2014 12:59 AM

nope if he was I have no idea for what HAHA ;)

thatwiz 06-15-2014 10:49 AM

Money doesn't mean you are being used. If you have a lot of money, it means a lot less to give some $1000 than you think. I always told hubby just because you have everything doesn't mean a whole lot and is not a measure of love. If have you have little money, than maybe it is a measure of something,l but I don't know. My husband spends a lot of money, but never more than I do. Who else is he going to ask? I would never take any of the money that his family sends-that I don't like from those who take money that Mommy sends- don't take older people's money-even if he sent it, I would send it back-that does not show he takes care of you, it shows he is using Mommys money for a women-poor judgment. If you are being used, usually only time will tell so if you last over 10 years, you're probably good as noone usually puts on a charade for that long.

TeamGorman 06-30-2014 04:25 AM

I actually was engaged to someone who asked me for $5,000 to get back into his house upon release.
Once he was released he slept with someone else and now I am not sure if I will ever see this money again.

xolady 06-30-2014 07:50 AM

I think people use each other all the time!! To be honest yes to some extent my husband uses me, but to some extent I use him. But marriage is a partnership and as long as we both are okay with us then its not a problem. Believe me its not being used for money cause we don't have any!!!

countrygirl9 08-31-2014 09:04 PM

No one likes to admit that they are being used, but it happens in every day life people take advantage of others it don't have to be our partners in prison neccessarily. As for my man using me I have to admit that when he was locked up yes there were times when he would write and the only thing he talked about was money and needing more money. I didn't have it to send him so I didn't. So if we don't have it and we send it anyways then we let ourself be used and can only blame ourself.

Dakini 09-04-2014 05:01 PM

No this is not even a thought I'd entertain. He sends me phone money, money for airfare, car, hotel... Doesn't even want me paying for the vending food. We are fortunate that he is able to do all this because if he wasn't, our relationship would be a lot different. I just don't have the kind of lifestyle that leaves room for the expense of a long-distance relationship. I've also received just as many gifts from him as I've sent, if not more.
This is in stark contrast to my marriage where my ex couldn't hold down a job and I was responsible for everything financial most of the time. Good guys who want to take care of their partner are harder to find than one would think, it seems. I found a really good one.

Cutepixie 10-23-2014 10:59 PM

I looked for every sign at first of him using me...of any of the slightest red flags so that I could run! But, they never came. The kind of using I'm talking about is manipulation, using someone who's vulnerable, etc. I told him what I was going through, he helped me get through it. When I called him crying and said "I just don't want to hurt anymore" he wrote me and said he's never felt that moved by someone. And I knew he meant it. When I asked him what commitment looked like to him in there he asked me kindly to wait and that he could tell me every pretty word under the sun to entice me into a relationship but he knew I was vulnerable and in pain after being in such a volatile relationship.

I don't think it's "using" when you are in an equal relationship and are supportive, loving, kind, and help one another to be successful. I don't think love is about using, it's about giving and taking and helping one another. The word using to me means something different as I am pretty jaded when it comes to people and feel that they are always out to get something. This was so much different. With everything i have put that man through... he is genuine and gained nothing but my heart. We are now in a relationship and I truly love this man. I have no doubt.

freshmints 10-24-2014 12:42 AM

I don't know if I'm being used. I hope not, but if it turns out to be I am that's a lesson learned. I would be hurt though. Not because I lost money to it, but because I shared my deepest thoughts with someone who apparently wasn't worth it.

I'll find out in time I guess!

Sinner86 10-24-2014 02:20 PM

I dated a man last year for a short amount of time and I was used by him, BUT, it taught me how to identify. When you feel like you aren't getting anything, including a thank you....red flag. Of course we don't do things looking for something in return, but when someone doesn't show the slightest appreciation, you are in for it.

Gratefully, J is the complete opposite.

Miss Meeow 10-26-2014 04:24 AM

We ARE definitely using each other..
For support, for letters and phone calls.
We both need all of this. But well, everything is balanced, everyone puts the same effort in this. The same amount of money, the same amount of time. So, it's okay..

Jasons_grl 11-05-2014 03:36 PM

I truly like to think my fella is one of those exceptions to the rule. I do things for him because I want to and vice versa, he sends me gifts, writes 20-30 page letters weekly, include each other in decisions and ideas. We actually make money together to use for the phone, envelopes, etc. He makes things and sends them, i run an etsy shop to sell them in. Anything else is extra on my behalf. I think women know if they are being used, but dont like to have to realize it. This is why you should really really get to know someone before you make a commitment to them aside from friendship :)

terrytt 11-07-2014 12:47 AM

what I heard they have trailor vists.some say you have to be married or family only.then I heard they lie say she is my cousin,and she isn't so they get free sex in the trailor.behind their boyfriend/girlfriend back....I was told that my boyfriend is used me,but I try to think good hopefully he isn't...

Cutepixie 11-07-2014 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrytt (Post 7381590)
what I heard they have trailor vists.some say you have to be married or family only.then I heard they lie say she is my cousin,and she isn't so they get free sex in the trailor.behind their boyfriend/girlfriend back....I was told that my boyfriend is used me,but I try to think good hopefully he isn't...

I have to say that "trailor visits" with someone pretending to be a relative would probably be pretty difficult. First you have to be approved to even visit that individual. I don't know if they have you prove that they are a family member, or only give things like that to close relatives for example mother, father, sister, child, etc. The person getting the visit has to be approved to get those visits and I don't know how long they have to be in there or be on their best behavior. So there's a lot of factors that go into those visits, I don't think they just allow anyone on those visits. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong?

terrytt 11-07-2014 01:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RabbitsButterfl (Post 7324882)
My Rabbit has never asked me for anything other than permission to call me on his $. I've surprised him with some books, a little $ on his books and he had alot of mixed emotions about it. My intentions are pure no matter what his are. However I don't feel I'm being used.

my boyfriend name is rabbit also.

myheartmylove 11-11-2014 09:42 PM

I'm new to this site but I felt the urge to comment. I was with my child hood sweetheart when he went in (as an adult) and I never thought he would use me but he did. Now I'm with my daughter's father and I've stuck by his side even though we weren't together when this all started but sometimes I do feel like I'm being used. I honestly don't know if it's baggage from the last relationship or if this is a sign telling me to run away. I truely love this man but he hasn't always been the best for me. I've told him before that I would stand by him even if we aren't together because we have a child together & he just gets loud & says I'm who he wants to be with.

I'm far from stupid, but when I love I love hard.

csummers0321 12-03-2014 02:30 PM

Sometimes I wonder just because I only knew him a week before he went in, but I'm pretty sure he's not using me (and if he is then lesson learned, right?).

I'm not sending any money that I don't have. My bills will always come first. If that means we have to go two weeks only talking in letters, then so be it and he knows and expects that (especially since we both have children).

The first day he called me, I had put money on his books. He hadn't asked me to, I just know from my ex MIL being in the same jail that inmates have to buy literally EVERYTHING, so I sent him some money.

He called me that night and asked me if I put money on his books. I told him yes and he said, "Well thank you. You didn't have to do that. I will pay you back." Well, of course I know I didn't have to. Nobody HAS to do anything.

I don't expect him to pay me back. Depending on how long he has to stay in, I could spend thousands of dollars on him, but I don't care. It's money I have to spare and if it wasn't going to him, it would go to something stupid like buying more movies for my collection.

So I'm kind of iffy on it just because I haven't really known him very long and he hasn't been in long. But only time will tell and he has done everything he has said he was going to do, so I'm leaning more towards no, but you never know until you know, you know? Lol.

JaeBella 12-03-2014 11:51 PM

Me vs. His Ex
 
i'm pretty new to this situation but the thought of me possibly being used has crossed my mind although i'm not sure. i know it sounds crazy and anyone who felt like they were being used in the slightest would drop the who thing but for me it's difficult to do that. . or maybe i'm making it seem that way.

we've been talking for 3 & a half years and we have so much history together. i have a feeling he's still involved with his ex based off of somethings i've seen since he got locked up which makes me wanna say forget everything but then i think well this is a time where he really needs someone in his corner and i genuinely love him with all my heart. if i didn't i wouldn't be here. before he left he told me he'd need some things loke money and stuff not right away but eventually and if i could help he'd appreciate it but only if i had it to give so he wasn't pressed for it which madr me think ok he's understanding. he needs all the support he can get to get through these next couple of years and i want tl be there for him more than anything now. i won't forget but i don't care about the fights and arguments and all that i rather be a friend to him but i'm afraid that might come at my own expense. do you guys think it would be smart to ask him if he's with her or if she visits or gives money ? i know they talk on the phone so she most likely is . . its like i know the truth but im blinding myself to it idk i'm so confused smh


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