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-   -   My soon to be hubby worried and scared he is using me (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=709013)

Here4mylove 01-12-2018 01:31 PM

My soon to be hubby worried and scared he is using me
 
I'm about to marry my fiancÚ in a few days, we already had our license but, he got locked up before we could... He loves me I know he does but sometimes I worry he is just using me for $ Now if I don't have it he's ok with that, he always says take care of me first.... I just can't help it, he got on one before he went in and did some terrible things, stole from my family, which he admitedt o and has apologized but doesn't expect them to forgive him. He feels like a POS BIG TIME! I worry he just wants me for $ or a place to parole out to ,sometimes I think its from my past but idk he hurt me emotionally but he is taking classes and counseling for his drug problems and wants to continue them when he gets out. I know that god brought us together and I feel He put it on my heart to show him that he can be forgiven and that God is real, which he believes now, & that I am a real woman, not like these others he has had in the past. Idk someone help please I love him & worry about him so much but don't want to get hurt . I've told him all of this and he understands why & is doing his best for now, & will show me when he gets home.

maytayah 01-12-2018 01:43 PM

You sound worn down and confused.If was you I would put this wedding on hold. I dont know how long his sentence is but use that time for him to show you he has changed and he is dealing with his addiction. his positive changes need to continue when he is released. If he can prove to you he has changed then make your choice then when he is home and dealing with his issues.
Otherwise you could end up married to the same addict that stole from your family. Is that what you want?
Good luck.

nygirl17 01-12-2018 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here4mylove (Post 7692674)
I'm about to marry my fiancÚ in a few days, we already had our license but, he got locked up before we could... He loves me I know he does but sometimes I worry he is just using me for $ Now if I don't have it he's ok with that, he always says take care of me first.... I just can't help it, he got on one before he went in and did some terrible things, stole from my family, which he admitedt o and has apologized but doesn't expect them to forgive him. He feels like a POS BIG TIME! I worry he just wants me for $ or a place to parole out to ,sometimes I think its from my past but idk he hurt me emotionally but he is taking classes and counseling for his drug problems and wants to continue them when he gets out. I know that god brought us together and I feel He put it on my heart to show him that he can be forgiven and that God is real, which he believes now, & that I am a real woman, not like these others he has had in the past. Idk someone help please I love him & worry about him so much but don't want to get hurt . I've told him all of this and he understands why & is doing his best for now, & will show me when he gets home.

We cant convince you to go ahead and marry him or not. Or believe him or not. If your worried about it then there must be something inside of you that's telling you to worry.
IMO I would wait to get married. What's the hurry. He's in prison hes not going any where. Let him prove your worried for nothing and when he gets home and does all he says hes going to do then marry him. Don't rush into something that your uneasy about because you will regret it. I wish you the best.

nimuay 01-12-2018 02:20 PM

The fact that he stole from your family is pretty hard to forgive.

I also wouldn't put it on God that you should help him - wrong way to handle it. God might just as well brought him to you to teach you something else entirely. Right now it sounds more like you're putting your words in God's 'mouth' because that's the way you currently feel about your fiancÚ.

Also don't diss the women he's known before - you probably only have his word about how they behaved toward him, and the most entitled asshat in the world is an addict. They all believe everybody done them wrong. What they don't see is the extraordinary damage they do that people finally have to cut loose from them to save themselves.

Lay back. Don't go through with a marriage at all until he's been clean for at least a year on the outside. He's got to be able to prove to you that he's sober OUTSIDE of prison, with none of the restraints that prison puts on them. He's got to stay in his sobriety even when all the temptations of the world stand in front of him out here. Otherwise, you will only know the chaos and fear of living with an addict, and I can promise you, that warps your soul in many, many ways.

Marseille 01-12-2018 03:34 PM

You know... every emotionally abused woman in the world thought she was going to be the one to get through to him. SHE was going to be the one was DIFFERENT and a REAL woman.. unlike everyone else who failed him. They were all wrong.

It's hard to hear.... but the reason you are the only person he's got isn't because of THEM. It's because of HIM.

Here4mylove 01-12-2018 03:45 PM

Ouch! But I agree, this too, I have said to him! I love him though.... Unconditionally, as I have always said. ..but, sometimes, you have to have a point where you say no more BS! I am going to give him a chance but, I believe just as friends, if that's what you'd call it, I forgive him but I am still very upset by his actions. Even my parents have forgiven him because they love him as a son & know he needs help. We all want what's best for him, and for him to do better! Btw, I've known him forever, we went to school together, grew up together... We know what a good heart & person he is, its just the drug that changed him... He needs prayers

Here4mylove 01-12-2018 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here4mylove (Post 7692674)
I'm about to marry my fiancÚ in a few days, we already had our license but, he got locked up before we could... He loves me I know he does but sometimes I worry he is just using me for $ Now if I don't have it he's ok with that, he always says take care of me first.... I just can't help it, he got on one before he went in and did some terrible things, stole from my family, which he admitedt o and has apologized but doesn't expect them to forgive him. He feels like a POS BIG TIME! I worry he just wants me for $ or a place to parole out to ,sometimes I think its from my past but idk he hurt me emotionally but he is taking classes and counseling for his drug problems and wants to continue them when he gets out. I know that god brought us together and I feel He put it on my heart to show him that he can be forgiven and that God is real, which he believes now, & that I am a real woman, not like these others he has had in the past. Idk someone help please I love him & worry about him so much but don't want to get hurt . I've told him all of this and he understands why & is doing his best for now, & will show me when he gets home.


Update... I've known this man my whole life we grew up together as children, same schools, everything, even dated in high school
My parents forgive him & know he's better than this... He just got caught up in a drug... We need prayers for him please

maytayah 01-12-2018 03:54 PM

If he thinks prayers will help then fair enough but he also needs drugs counselling and rehab and he needs to want to change and have the will power to achieve and maintain the change.Its not easy but it is possible and I wish him luck. Support him by all means but make sure he is willing to evidence his changes before you committ to him. Living with an addict is a painful roller coaster life. Dont go there for your sanity.

xolady 01-12-2018 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here4mylove (Post 7692708)
Ouch! But I agree, this too, I have said to him! I love him though.... Unconditionally, as I have always said. ..but, sometimes, you have to have a point where you say no more BS! I am going to give him a chance but, I believe just as friends, if that's what you'd call it, I forgive him but I am still very upset by his actions. Even my parents have forgiven him because they love him as a son & know he needs help. We all want what's best for him, and for him to do better! Btw, I've known him forever, we went to school together, grew up together... We know what a good heart & person he is, its just the drug that changed him... He needs prayers

Drugs are not what makes a person change, they are a symptom of a underlying character defect or mental problem. You need to get into some alanon meetings and also maybe some other therapy also. Lots of people whom I have known my whole life turned into total junkie losers who would steal from anyone they could. Until someone is free and staying clean thats the only way you can tell if they are sincere. A pair of lips will say anything!!!

nancyginnm 01-12-2018 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here4mylove (Post 7692674)
I'm about to marry my fiancÚ in a few days, we already had our license but, he got locked up before we could... He loves me I know he does but sometimes I worry he is just using me for $ Now if I don't have it he's ok with that, he always says take care of me first.... I just can't help it, he got on one before he went in and did some terrible things, stole from my family, which he admitedt o and has apologized but doesn't expect them to forgive him. He feels like a POS BIG TIME! I worry he just wants me for $ or a place to parole out to ,sometimes I think its from my past but idk he hurt me emotionally but he is taking classes and counseling for his drug problems and wants to continue them when he gets out. I know that god brought us together and I feel He put it on my heart to him that he can be forgiven and that God is real, which he believes now, & that I am a real woman, not like these others he has had in the past. Idk someone help please I love him & worry about him so much but don't want to get hurt . I've told him all of this and he understands why & is doing his best for now, & will show me when he gets home.

If God had truly put you two together, you wouldn't be questioning your relationship - that's not how He works. You definitely should not get married anytime soon.

MizzyMuffling 01-13-2018 12:59 AM

Honestly, I would wait to get married. Just let him get out first and back on his feet and what's the rush anyway?
If you guys love each other give each other space but there for one another.
Too many questions, concerns, too much confusion.
Take your time, if it's meant to be it will happen, just a bit later.

Wife Concerned 01-19-2018 03:49 PM

I completely understand
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Here4mylove (Post 7692674)
I'm about to marry my fiancÚ in a few days, we already had our license but, he got locked up before we could... He loves me I know he does but sometimes I worry he is just using me for $ Now if I don't have it he's ok with that, he always says take care of me first.... I just can't help it, he got on one before he went in and did some terrible things, stole from my family, which he admitedt o and has apologized but doesn't expect them to forgive him. He feels like a POS BIG TIME! I worry he just wants me for $ or a place to parole out to ,sometimes I think its from my past but idk he hurt me emotionally but he is taking classes and counseling for his drug problems and wants to continue them when he gets out. I know that god brought us together and I feel He put it on my heart to show him that he can be forgiven and that God is real, which he believes now, & that I am a real woman, not like these others he has had in the past. Idk someone help please I love him & worry about him so much but don't want to get hurt . I've told him all of this and he understands why & is doing his best for now, & will show me when he gets home.

I was browsing this forum for help and advise for my husband and our family when I came across your posts, and from what I have read we are going through very similar situations, but I am 3 years in dealing with this mess. First, let me tell you that my boyfriend at that time and I were together 1 month when one night being at the wrong place/wrong time changed our lives and we were thrown into a nightmare dealing with it all. It's a long and confusing story, but to make it short I stuck by my man even when he told me I could leave and he would understand. We got married a couple months into our uphill battle, and yes it was tough at times, but we fought for each other and knew that if not for the situation and our different ways of coping we would not have struggled like we did. He is a great man, husband, father to our baby, and I nev hav regretted any decisions to stand by him and fight. I too feel God put us together at the right time, and we also grew up in the same schools and he was actually my crush way back in high school (but he did know)! I know for fact he was innocent because I was there and know the truth, which I will prove at a later date when I take action for the injustice I experienced first hand through a 3 year case. Ultimately, he ended up taking a plea last year (being completely innocent, and it was hard for me to let him do that) because our unbelievable and devastating circumstances, and having a 6 month old, was too risky to leave our whole family fate in the hands of 12 people who could be hav a bad day. And the fact that our case was corrupt and tampered with (again, black and white evid to prove) we just did not trust the legal or justice system anymore and he "took one for the team" and made the deal. He spent 4 months in county and moved to his parent unit around Thanksgiving. Both of us in our 30s with no priors or experience with the legal system. Now I have thought myself Arkansas law and won many motions and will continue to fight. It's hard, and I understand what you are going through. He was sentenced 8 years in his plea, mine was all dismissed. I am close to your area so it was good to know I'm not so alone here (but awful circumstances). I wish y'all the very best, and good luck in your marriage. I know my husband and I will be so much stronger when he returns and that's what keeps us going.


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